Noaz (Van Doren #2)

8. Noaz

8

NOAZ

It’s too soon to fall in love, right? I’m pretty sure it is. It’s just that Briar is the most romantic person I’ve ever met. He looks at me as if I hold the universe in my hands. With awe. He holds me with such reverence. He kisses me as if he’s enchanted.

However, it’s been three weeks now, and though I’ve seen him every single day—aside from the four days I was in NYC—I’ve realized his touches are almost platonic in nature. Possessive in the way he holds me and gentlemanly as he guides me with a firm hand on my lower back. I’m also quite confident his kisses hold some magic in them, to not only take my breath away, but to render me completely boneless in his arms.

But it’s been three weeks and while I’m not exactly rushing things, in my experience, I find it a little concerning that he hasn’t even attempted to move beyond where we are.

I’m not going to say I’m getting mixed signals exactly. I feel like every signal he’s giving me is saying he’s very much into me. It’s been twenty-two days since he asked me out. We’ve spent at least three hours together every day for eighteen of them, plus we spend countless hours texting throughout the day.

He kisses me constantly. Often. For long periods.

And this is the point I’m feeling a little… wary about. He only ever holds me close with his arms around my waist or his hands in my hair. His kiss—while the absolute best kiss of my damn life— never becomes more… sexy? Is that the right word?

My concern has been the same from the beginning. It’s all well and good to say you’re not concerned I have a cock in my pants, but when it comes down to physical intimacy, the reality of it can change.

As much as I like him, and I do a whole fucking lot, I’m at the point in my life where I no longer want to date around. My goal is to find my life partner. I sure as hell don’t want to be falling for a man who may not actually be on board with my body.

I chew the inside of my lip as I stare at myself in the mirror. It’s taken me a long time to find comfort in myself. For years, I always felt out of place. Like my skin didn’t fit right. I’ve tried on different identities and pronouns, trying to find what works for me.

The dysphoria I felt well into my twenties took its toll on me.

I’m still not sure exactly what happened to make me shed all that discomfort. Maybe it was learning to accept me as me. Acknowledging how I don’t feel comfortable as a woman or a man. I’m neither and both. I feel best when I have the freedom to move between genders or shed them both.

As soon as I decided I didn’t need to choose one, I felt much better about myself. Right until I was faced with what that meant for my physical appearance. That was an equally long road, and it took quite a bit of energy to weed through the self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-deprecation to come out on the other side to find peace .

But I am very much at peace now. I don’t find the need to change my body because I’m proud of it. I’m happy with what I have. Once you make peace with what gender means to you, it’s easier to find a home in your body and to decide if you need to change something about it.

I’m lucky in that the only thing I really wanted to change about my body was that it needed some colors. It was tough to find the patience to grow my hair out. Then I needed to learn how to sculpt some parts of my body for my own appreciation.

All I want now is someone to love me as much as I do. I want someone to look at me and see beauty. Even without my makeup and pretty clothes. I want them to see my beauty even when I’m naked before them. When I’m hard. Maybe even when I’m crying.

My heart has decided this person is Briar.

But I can’t stop the quiet voices that point out all the reasons he might not be. Reasons that boil down to socially-determined gender assignments.

Is it too forward to just come out and ask him if he’s okay with my dick? Maybe I can ask him to suck it. That would determine where he’s at.

The thought makes me laugh. No. That feels like pushing a little too much.

Getting to my feet, I push open my bedroom door and head down the hall. It’s still early-ish, so I imagine Oakley and Loren are still in bed. I knock on the door and wait.

Less than a minute passes before Loren opens it. He looks at me blankly.

“I would like to speak with your husband.”

He frowns. “No. ”

“Loren,” Oakley chides, laughing. Loren’s blocking my view, so I don’t see Oakley behind him, but I hear the bed shift and then his feet on the floor as he approaches and shoves Loren out of the way. “Hey, Uncle Noaz.”

“This doesn’t have to be a private conversation if your Doberman wants to listen.”

Oakley slides his hand into Loren’s and flashes him a smile. “Let’s go talk to Uncle Noaz for a while.”

Loren sighs. “Fine. You don’t get to take that out of your ass until we’re done, though.”

Oakley’s cheeks turn bright red as he looks at me. “Ignore him. Please, for the love of god, ignore him.”

I chuckle. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Oakley sighs, gives Loren a flustered look, and follows me down the hall.

One of the bedrooms on the second floor has a balcony. Strangely enough, it’s not a room anyone chose. Even I didn’t choose it when I picked between the three available guest rooms in this house. My reason was the closet. It just wasn’t as big as the one in the room I chose.

But it has a cute little Juliet balcony with chairs and a table overlooking the backyard. I lead them there, and we get comfortable on the chairs.

“So, what’s up?” Oakley asks.

“This is going to sound weird and maybe inappropriate, but… is Briar a virgin?”

Oakley’s eyes go wide and he bursts out laughing. “What?”

Yeah, okay. That wasn’t the right thing to ask. “The thing is… there’s this disconnect. Like… he kisses me a whole lot—he’s real ly good at it—and he’ll hold me close. It’s so sweet and romantic and… doesn’t go any further than that. The least concerning thing I can think of is that he’s a virgin.”

Oakley’s still laughing. “No. Well, I mean, I haven’t ever witnessed him having sex, so I suppose the conversations could all be bullshit. But Briar isn’t one to lie, so I’m still going to say he’s definitely not a virgin.”

“Does he usually wait for like… three months before having sex with his partner?”

He’s still very amused. Even Loren’s looking at me with amusement.

“I don’t know. I’ve never thought to ask. But I think…” he trails off as he thinks about it. “Okay, look. Briar is the best person I know. He’s completely genuine. He’s the reason I’ve always wanted to fall in love because he’s just the sweetest damn man I’ve ever known. He’s the kind of love little girls and boys dream about.”

“I’m nothing like Briar,” Loren says, frowning.

Oakley grins, patting his cheek. “You’re pretty too, love.”

Loren’s eyes narrow.

I try very hard not to laugh.

“I say all this as someone who has watched Briar date for a long time. He goes through girls somewhat frequently, but not for the reasons you might think. Girls get very jealous when they find out their man is very close with his female best friend and doesn’t find the need or have the desire to either change that or integrate said girlfriend into our friendships. As soon as the jealousy becomes an issue, Briar ends it.”

“I’ve heard a little about that,” I say .

Oakley nods. “He wants to love someone, but he’s not willing to compromise himself or his friendships to achieve that.”

“If this is a warning I shouldn’t get jealous, I hear you.”

He grins. “It… didn’t start out that way. Sorry. That’s not entirely what I’m saying, anyway. I’m not really sure what I’m saying. Other than, no, I’m quite confident he’s not a virgin.”

“Is it because I have a snake in my pants?”

Oakley’s eyes immediately drop to my crotch. So do Loren’s. Both as a reflex. It’s one of my favorite metaphors because when I say it, no matter who I’m saying it to, everyone who hears it looks down. As if an actual snake is going to slither out of my pants.

Oakley laughs. “Maybe?” He shrugs and then looks at Loren. “Were you intimidated by the snake in my pants?”

Loren shook his head, shrugging. “No, but I don’t think you can really use me as a comparison. I’m not like other people.”

“You’re perfect just the way you are,” Oakley says, kissing his cheek. “I don’t know, Uncle Noaz. This might be more straightforward than you’re looking to be, but have you asked him?”

“When he asked me out, we had this conversation briefly. He assured me it wasn’t an issue. I chose to believe him and I guess I still do. I’m just…” I sigh, leaning back into the chair. “Everything about him is just so perfect, Oakley. No one is perfect. And the fact he never even hints at something beyond kissing or the way he holds me makes all the little voices from failures past whisper in my ear.”

“I’m biased. I’m going to say that upfront. But if there were ever a perfect boyfriend, it’s Briar. Or maybe Levis. Seriously, the two make me swoon. ”

Once again, Loren narrows his eyes. Something Oakley doesn’t miss as he tries not to smile while keeping his focus locked on me.

“One more question. Knowing Briar the way you do, what are the odds he’s going to freak out when he meets my magic wand?”

Once again, Oakley’s eyes dart down before meeting mine again. He laughs. “Dude, you can just say dick.”

“The reactions I get when I use literally any analogy are far more amusing.”

He shakes his head. “I think if he’s already told you he’s good with it, then he is. So… I’m going to say like… three.”

“Three percent?”

“Yes. Three percent that he’ll freak out. Not only because freaking out isn’t something I’ve ever seen Briar do, but because he knows himself. He’s very self-aware.” Oakley shrugs. “He is what he appears to be, Uncle Noaz. I promise. He’s a good man. He’s full of the kind of love people write sonnets about.”

Loren huffs, so. Oakley grins and relaxes into his arms.

“Personally, I like the kind of love that draws blood and is freakily obsessive. But that’s just me.”

I grin at the way Loren rolls his eyes. I also don’t miss the way his arms tighten around Oakley.

This conversation makes me feel better. It also makes one thing very clear—I think I need to talk to Briar again. I need to make sure there's a reason other than my cock that’s making him move really slowly.

I could just try making a move myself. It’s not like I haven’t in the past. I could be seductive, right? When’s the last time I tried that?

We remain on the balcony for a while longer, talking about whatever. No more about Briar. It felt a little invasive, anyway. I don’t want to be the person who goes behind his back to ask his friends about him. But these worries were getting bigger, and I needed to hear them out loud.

Just after I get back to my room, Lorissa calls and I spend the rest of the morning on the phone with her. The Aryan Order is fighting back, so we work on coming up with a more aggressive approach to avoid losing any more than the one member of my crew they took out this morning.

I’ll have to talk to Jalon so we can send their family money and support. But for now, I need to keep my crew safe. If that means a temporary bloodbath in New York City, then so be it.

I’m only interrupted when Myro brings in a giant vase of flowers. It’s enormous. He sets it on the floor because it’s far too bushy for the bureau and keeps trying to tip off.

I put the phone down long enough to sift through the flowers until I find the little card.

Thinking of you.

Briar

Fuck. Me.

Yep, I’m totally falling for this man.