Only With You (Knights #2)

54

JULIANNA

“Here.” El sets a large, steaming mug of hot chocolate in front of me and slides into the booth, sitting across from me. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? Do I need to find Landon and slash his tires? Because I will. Or if you want him”—she clicks her tongue, making a slash motion with her hand across her neck—“gone, I’m sure I could find a way to make it happen. Make it all look like an accident. His height and weight might make it a little hard to move his body, but I don’t have anything against dismembering. It could be good practice for me anyway. Maybe I’ll drop nursing school and go to medical school with you and become a surgeon. Best of both worlds if you ask me.”

The grave look on her face makes the laugh I was trying to contain burst out. She stares at me like all I need to do is utter the words and she’ll do it. That sobers me up because aside from Landon, I’ve never really had anyone so ready to fight for me even if she’s kidding.

There’s Natalie, but we’re not the closest. It’s not because we don’t get along, because we do, but she’s busy. With her being a model, in the midst of preparing for a wedding, and what I have going on, we don’t really talk much.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

I left after Landon did and came to Benny’s because I didn’t want to be alone. I knew El would be here and despite it being Friday, they usually aren’t busy. She doesn’t know what happened or that my parents randomly showed up.

I guess she assumes Landon did something because she’s never seen me cry or be more emotionally invested in someone that wasn’t my parents.

Setting my mug down, I contemplate whether I want to open up or hold back. I hate coming off like I’m whining about something that shouldn’t have been an issue to begin with. But when I meet her soft brown eyes and she smiles at me with so much warmth and empathy, I break, not able to hold it together anymore.

By the end of it all, I’ve spilled everything like a fractured dam because like the words, my hot tears are pouring out and cascading down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry. I know this is so stupid. Crying over something like this.” I furiously wipe my cheeks, soaking the sleeves of my hoodie because they won’t stop falling.

Since I cried in front of Landon, it seems like all I do is cry.

“It’s not stupid.” She slips out of her side, sits next to me, and hugs me. “If you’re anything like me, a hug is the last thing you want because it’ll only make you cry harder, but I feel like you could use one and if I don’t hug you, I’m going to cry.”

More tears spill but not as hard as before. “Yeah, but you’re right. I really needed this.” After a moment, I collect myself and pull back, but she remains silent. “What are you thinking?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You never hold back.”

“I know, but I’m learning not to give my unsolicited opinions if they’re not asked for. After everything that happened with Cecilia, I’d rather keep my mouth shut.”

“I want you to tell me what you’re thinking because I’m struggling.”

El hesitates. “Are you sure?”

I nod.

She pulls her braid over her shoulder and fiddles with the loose ends. “I understand why you’re upset with Landon, but I think he did what needed to be done.” She drops her hands and shifts her body to face mine. Confliction and uncertainty swim in her eyes, but she breathes a sigh, and a poignant smile curves her lips.

“I know it sucks, but sometimes, the truth hurts and I think you really needed that. From the moment I’ve met you, they’ve done nothing but belittle you and control every aspect of your life. And you’ve done nothing but take it because you desperately want their approval and I just can’t seem to understand why. When they do nothing but deprecate you and invalidate your feelings. They make you feel like shit for being their daughter, but you’ve done nothing but try to meet their ridiculous expectations. You’ve done more than what they’ve asked for, and it’s still not enough for them. I don’t think it ever will be. You’re taking classes for a career you don’t want, following a nutrition plan you don’t care for, minimizing your feelings and apologizing because they’ve made you believe you’re spoiled and ungrateful when you’re everything but that. Sure, you’re privileged, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to experience hardship. And let me add that you willingly hired Landon, the person you hated with your entire being just so you could pass Calc. You’ve done so much and somehow it’s still not enough.”

Something heavy grips my chest, but it becomes painful at her next words.

“They say they came because you weren’t feeling well, but why did they wait a whole week to come see you? If they were that concerned, why didn’t they come sooner? And I know they work, so why weren’t they blowing up your phone? Not a single message or call to ask how you were doing. It’s like they were punishing you for not showing up to Thanksgiving because they like to do that. Punish you to make you feel bad.”

I sniffle, the tears building in my eyes blurring my vision.

“I don’t want you to think I’m excusing Landon, but sometimes we need tough love.”

I rest my elbows on the table, covering my face with my palms. “I’m terrible.”

“You’re not. Don’t say that.” She rubs my back, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“I am. I shut down. I didn’t think. I just took it out on him like I did when I hit his car. I didn’t say anything when they talked down to him or couldn’t say his name. I hate myself so much.”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that,” she scolds. “You were under a lot of pressure and stress after everything that happened. You’re not perfect. You’re still human after all.”

I look at her, bringing my hand to the chain. “I know, but I feel bad. He didn’t deserve that after everything he’s done for me. What if he wants to break up?”

That makes me panic and hurts worse than the look of disappointment on my parents’ faces.

She snorts, giving me a be for real right now look. “This man left a very important tournament because he thought you were sick. Julianna, he flew five hours to see you. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”

El lost her shit when I told her he showed up unexpectedly. I didn’t tell her about the private jet, though, because he said Saint doesn’t want anyone to know about that.

“But what if he changes his mind? What if he realizes this is too much for him? That I’m too much for him?”

“Then he can go find less, but I doubt he’ll do that. He knew what you were like before you guys started dating. Minus the whole controlling parents thing, but I’m sure you guys will work it out. He’d be a fool to let you go.” She beams at me, eyes sparkling with hope.

Picking up my mug, I take a drink to wet my dry throat.

“I’m sorry. Maybe that was too much.”

“No, don’t apologize. It’s the truth. One I didn’t want to accept because I was dead set on making them proud. And I really thought I could…” I sigh, feeling dejected.

She hooks her arm around mine, taking my hand in hers. “You need to do what makes you happy. I’m not saying you need to break up with Landon or cut your parents off, but unfortunately, sometimes you can’t have both things unless someone is willing to compromise.”

Disappointedly, I know my parents won’t. I could see Landon putting the effort, but I doubt they would.

“Do you know what you’re going to do?” she asks, slicing through overwhelming thoughts.

I only nod because I can’t say it out loud. I feel ashamed that I didn’t have to think about it. It’ll hurt because I wanted things to work out, but some things just aren’t meant to be.

She squeezes my hand reassuringly. “I’m here for you.”

I stand rooted in my spot, fingers drumming anxiously along my thigh, and a shiver runs down my tense back. I attempt to steady my rapid breathing, but then I think about what I’m going to do and it only worsens and my heart beats faster.

I’ve spent all last night and this morning working up the courage to do what I’m going to do, and despite my nerves, I’m still going through with it.

Exhaling a heavy breath, I knock on the door and not a second later, it swings open.

“Oh, hi, dear.” Mom stands on the other side. A haughty smile takes the place of the scowl on her face. “Come in.”

There was a moment last night and this morning where I almost regretted my decision, but standing in front of her, hearing her supercilious voice, I know I’ve made the right choice.

I found out through Natalie that they’d only be here for a few more hours. Now here I am at their hotel, hoping we’ll be able to compromise. It still feels doubtful, but here’s to hoping.

Stepping inside, I find Dad sitting on a chair, drinking coffee, and on his iPad. His gaze continues to skim the screen, and when he gets to a good stopping point, he regards me.

“Good morning. I assume you’re here to apologize?” He cocks a brow, setting his cup and iPad down on the table.

Mom stands behind him, hands on his shoulders, both staring at me expectantly.

I almost retreat back and decide against telling them how I feel, but I know this cycle will never end if I continue abiding by what they want. It’s obvious in the way they’re staring at me, waiting for an apology.

“No.” For a moment, I feel proud about how confident I sound, but when they go from stunned to angry in a matter of seconds, I falter. “I-I’m not here to apologize.”

Dad frowns, folding his arms over his chest. “Come again?”

I wipe my sweaty palms on my sweats, hoping I can keep my voice steady. “I’m not here to apologize. I came because I want to talk to you guys about?—”

“I’m going to stop you right there.” He holds his palm up and stands. “I’m disappointed and very angry right now. Whatever you’re about to say, you better think wisely.”

I’m slowly losing my confidence and it doesn’t help that it feels like any second they’re going to yell. Or worse that Mom will slap me because I see her hand flexing her at her side. But I gather whatever courage I have left and say what I need to say.

“I’d like to compromise?—”

“You’re kidding, right? Compromise?” Mom grits, shaking her head with displeasure. “Do you not understand what we’ve done for you? And you want to compromise over a boy?”

“This isn’t about Landon. I’m here for me. I’m here, because?—”

“I’ve heard enough,” Dad snaps. “We have a flight to catch in a few hours and I have to work tomorrow. I’m drained from having to deal with your childish antics, Julianna. So you better leave now, think about what you did, and we’ll see you in a few weeks for winter break.”

“And you have semi to get ready for,” Mom adds, staring at me like I’m a nuisance by standing here.

“I can’t do this anymore!” I blurt out. My chest rises and falls rapidly, adrenaline rippling through my body and fury so intense, it burns my veins. It quickly consumes me until I can’t think anymore. “I just can’t. I’m sick and tired of trying to be everything you both want me to be and it still not being enough!”

“Lower your voice,” Dad threatens.

“Why? Because I’ll embarrass you? Because everyone will know what a fuckup your daughter is?” I point at my chest aggressively. “I’m sick and tired of downplaying how I feel to appease both of you. I came here to compromise, because I love you and I want to make you guys proud. I want?—”

“There’s a lot of I want ,” Mom mocks. “You say you want to make us proud, but here you are, throwing a tantrum.”

“All of this over that little shit?” Dad frustratedly pinches the bridge of his nose. “Don’t you realize how ridiculous you sound right now? Over a boy who will forget you the moment he gets what he wants?”

“He’s what you’ve been up to, huh? Obsessing over some boy who?—”

“His name is Landon! And this isn’t about my boyfriend. This is about you guys!”

“So now this is our fault?” Dad’s voice rises, anger flashing across his gaze. “We give you everything. Everything you’ve ever wanted and needed, and now we’re the bad guys? Don’t stand there and blame this on us, over a pathetic fucking boy who you’ll mean nothing by tomorrow. Remember your place. Remember as easily as we’ve given it all to you, we can easily take it all away.”

I meditate on his words, weigh the consequences of what I’m going to do, but I know there’s nothing I can say or do to make them think differently. This argument is going nowhere.

They stare at me, as long and hard as I do to them, and finally, the last thread that was keeping us together snaps.

“You’re right. I don’t want this anymore.”

Mom’s face sours and she steps forward, but I don’t retreat. I stand my ground. “What are you trying to say?”

Digging in my purse, I take out a lip gloss I bought, my phone, and a debit card, and set my purse on the bed. “My keys are in there along with anything you’ve bought me, and the Rover is outside.”

“Julianna.” Mom laughs condescendingly. “You’re making a mistake. You have no money. How are you going to get a car and pay for it all? You’re making a rash decision over a stupid boy you don’t even love.” Her brows perk up when I cast my gaze downward.

Dad laughs. “You’re twenty-one years old. Do you even know what love is?”

“Do you?” I counter.

“Watch yourself.” His eyes threateningly narrow. “I’m going to give you one more chance. Stop this childish bullshit and leave, because my patience is running thin. This is your last chance and I better never hear about this good-for-nothing again. And you’re welcome, because he would’ve made you miserable.”

“I lied about Calculus. I wasn’t passing. I was failing because I was too scared to tell you. But then I found out that good-for-nothing happens to be really good at math and I hired him. And because of him, I’m currently sitting at an A. And don’t worry, I paid him with the money I made from the job that you guys never ask about. Well, one of the many things you guys don’t ask about, because the only thing that matters is that I make good grades and stay in shape. Right?” The anger fades and despite how sad I feel right now, I don’t cry. I don’t have it in me anymore.

“Julianna—”

“I called you to tell you that I wanted to drop the sorority, yet you were more concerned about a stupid dress than how I felt. I told you about Sienna and how she used me, yet that didn’t matter. You ignored how I felt and maybe if you had listened, you would’ve heard me tell you that I was sexually assaulted, and I’ve struggled to come to terms with it. To believe it wasn’t my fault. For two years now until that good-for-nothing , would have made me miserable came into my life and listened . That’s all I wanted from you guys, but I don’t need it anymore. I can’t deal with your constant disappointment and ways to remind me how I’m nothing without you.”

Anger seeps from them, and their faces go pale at my admission. At one point in my life, that would’ve brought some kind of semblance of hope, but now I feel nothing.

“Maybe I’m making a mistake, but I’d rather figure it out than to have you constantly remind me of how useless I am.”

“You’re seriously not insinuating what I think you are?” Dad gapes.

“You’re being dramatic, Julianna. You need to think this through,” Mom chastises. “There’s no need to make rash decisions.”

I let out a humorless chuckle. “I’m dropping the sorority and I’m not going to medical school. I don’t want anything from you guys anymore. I’ll figure out a way to send it all back. Oh, and Landon’s not going anywhere. Like it or hate it, I don’t care. He’s my boyfriend and that’s not going to change.”

I walk out as I hear them calling my name, but I don’t look back.