Only With You (Knights #2)

55

LANDON

I need to stop stalling and get it over with.

I hate overthinking, but everything has gotten out of my control. When Julianna texted and asked me to come over after my game, I couldn’t help but think she’s going to break up with me.

Yesterday, I realised that despite how good my intentions were, my words were shit. And that Julianna, no matter what her parents do or say to her, she respects them too much to go against them.

Because of that and their obvious disdain for me, she may not want to be with me anymore.

Scrubbing my palm over my face, I pinch the bridge of my nose as I feel it sting. There are too many emotions rioting in my head and there’s this neverending sinking feeling I’ve not been able to get rid of since last night.

I quickly shove it all away when the door swings open and Gabby steps out.

“Oh, hey, Landon. Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for semi?” A friendly smile curls on her lips, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

I felt like a dick cancelling on Jagger last minute, but there’s no way I could go. Then Julianna asked me to come over and I wasn’t going to say no. He didn’t mind, though, especially after he forced me to talk to him last night. I wasn’t going to tell him what happened, but he was insistent.

He said he’d take one for the team and take both girls.

“Change of plans.” The sinking feeling returns again. “Are you okay?”

Her black brows knit and her smile grows, but it feels off and not like her. “Yeah, just tired from all the studying and it’s that time again.”

She’s referring to renewing her DACA and everything that comes with it.

“Do you need help with anything?” I offer despite knowing the answer.

“No, it’s okay. I got it. I’m actually going to take pictures at semi and—” Her phone buzzes, and when she looks at it, her eyes go wide. “Crap. I have to go, but I’ll see you later.” She’s off before I can get a word out.

I can’t ponder over the look on her face because I hear the familiar tune of a guitar. When I step in, shutting the door behind me, concealing the noise, I know she’s listening to me on YouTube.

I move robotically and head to her room. My heart thunders. My mind races with pestering thoughts, but it all comes to a screeching halt when I see cardboard boxes and stuff in them.

“You’re leaving?” I don’t understand why, but the bridge of my nose burns and my eyes become oddly wet.

She jumps in her spot, dropping the hangers she’s holding.

“You’re leaving?” I ask again, my voice deeper than before, my heart pounding so fast, it sounds near-deafening.

“Yes, but it’s not what you think.”

“Not what I think? I’ve hardly spoken to you all day and then I find you packing? What am I not supposed to think?” I swallow hard, preparing for the worst. “Do you want to break up? Is that why you texted me to come over?”

Her brows rise high, then pull together, staring at me, confused. “No, I don’t want to break up.”

“Oh. I-I…” I lick my lips, my teeth clatter, and something wet hits my cheek. “I just thought—” My chest grows heavier, making it hard to catch my breath. “You said—I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore.” My shaky fingers wipe underneath my eye, but the tears don’t stop.

Why am I crying? This never happens and if it should happen, it shouldn’t be in front of her.

“Hey,” Julianna softly says, approaches me, and wraps her arms tightly around me, hugging me like her life depends on it. Holding me up as if she can see me drowning.

Maybe I am because I’m a mess, crumbling right in front of her. I swear I’m trying to keep it together, but the thoughts and tears won’t stop spiralling and spilling.

“They left and I thought you were leaving, too. I thought you didn’t want me because I have nothing to offer you. I didn’t have anything to offer them. I wasn’t enough to make John want me. I was less than alcohol, because my mum loved it more than me. I watched it become her whole life and take her, too. I was there when she died…I begged her to stay. I even bargained with death and asked it to take me instead. But that obviously didn’t work, because I’m here with you. Maybe I don’t deserve you either. Maybe I deserve to be alone. So if you don’t want to be with me, please tell me, don’t stay out of pity. Don’t stay if you don’t want to because I’m a mess. I’m so fucking broken, and I?—”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere, Landon.” She sniffles and rubs her palm on my back, soothing the tension taking residence. “I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I’m sorry you had to experience that. I’m so sorry Landon, and please don’t think I’m with you or saying that out of pity. I just want you to know that if I could, I’d take it all away. If I could, I’d make sure you’d never have to experience that. I know that I never will, but I just want you to know that I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure you feel how enough you are, how needed and wanted you are, and how loved you are, because I love you.”

I pull back, but she doesn’t let go. Her glassy eyes dilate and the sapphire of her irises looks electric, hypnotising me. Her lips rise into a breathtaking smile and her face glows.

I repeat the words in my head, but they sound distant.

“What?” I say almost breathless as she dries my cheeks with her hand.

“I love you and I love all of your parts. The messy, the broken, the unfiltered, I love them all. Nothing about you is going to stop or deter that intense and immense feeling from going away. And I really do hate to break it to you, but you’re stuck with me for life. Do with that information what you will, but I’m not going anywhere because I love you. So you and I, we’ll work together to mend it all.”

The words finally register in my brain and almost knock me off my feet. I feel too overwhelmed with it all, but all in a good way. Still, my brain wants to sabotage this moment because it feels like those too good to be true moments.

So I give her a chance, an out.

“I have a lot of issues. I’m working through them in therapy, but they’re a lot. Do you really want to deal with that, Julianna?”

“You’ve seen me at my worst and you stayed. I want to be here for you. You’ve been through a lot, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved or to be with anyone. I want to work through them with you. Please let me.”

So many emotions I’ve not experienced in years running rampant in my head. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure.”

I haul her in, circling my arms around her, feeling like I’m breathing for the first time. “You love me?”

“I do,” she says against my chest. “Maybe it’s too fast, but I’m really sure.”

“I love you.”

The words sound so foreign leaving my mouth, but they feel so right. Just like everything about Julianna.

Kissing her forehead, I cup the side of her neck and tip her head back.

“I don’t think time should or needs to define when someone knows. There are people I’ve known all of my life, and none of them have ever made me feel the way you do in just a short amount of time.” I pause, gathering my thoughts. “I’m so absorbed in you, preoccupied with the thought that you exist, having you stand in front of me, that I genuinely forget to breathe. Sometimes, I zone out thinking about you because it feels surreal knowing that I know you. You know, at first I thought something plotted for us to meet, but now I’m certain we’ve always been tied to each other.”

She blinks her watery eyes. “How can you keep saying you’re not good with words? Lan, that’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

My intention wasn’t to be sweet, but to be honest, I’m grateful it came out that way.

“That’s how I feel, how you make me feel. Consumed and consistent, it’s like being in a house full of everything you could possibly want and need. And all that’s in it is you.” I wipe the stray tear streaking down her cheek with my thumb. “Because my home is wherever you are, and where you are is where I feel the most, where I feel it all.”

“Oh God.” Now the tears pour down her cheeks, and she pulls away from my hold. “I’m going to need you to get out, because I’m about to ugly cry. How can you stand there, look at me like that, and say all of these things to me?”

I wish she could see herself through my eyes because she looks breathtaking.

“I’m sorry about yesterday and I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner.” She tucks a wisp of her hair from her bun behind her ear. “They just showed up unexpectedly and I froze. It’s always been easier to make myself?—”

“Invisible.” Taking her hand in mine, I sit on her bed and tug her onto me until she’s straddling me.

She nods dejectedly, fiddling with the chain around her neck. “Yeah, and to just go along with it all because it makes everything easier. I’m less of a burden to them when I agree, when I say nothing.”

“I know. I know how that feels…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you and got mad. I know you were just trying to defend me.” She gives me a half smile, but it’s a sad one. “I’ve never had anyone do that for me.”

“Don’t thank me. I’m just?—”

“Doing the bare minimum.” She finishes off for me, and this time her smile is livelier. “But as much as I hate how it all happened, it helped me realise that you weren’t wrong.”

“What are you saying?”

“I saw my parents this morning…” She inhales a deep breath and tells me everything that happened earlier today. I listen and I hate that she was there alone, but I know it’s what she needed. “That’s why I’m packing because I’m going to send back everything they’ve bought me. If I don’t, they’ll have all of that stuff in there to hold against me. I’ll have to get another job to pay for rent and bills, because I know they’ll cut my allowance soon. I might even have to cut my lease, but I’m going to try to hold off for as long as I can. I hate to do that to Gabby and Polly, but there’s no way I’ll be able to afford all of this and pay for an Uber because I don’t have a car now.”

“Don’t worry about anything.”

She blanches, lips pursed. “You’re not implying that?—”

“I’m not implying. I’m going to help you.”

Julianna gawks in disbelief. “You can’t do that. That’s five months of rent and bills.”

“I’m aware, but I don’t want to hear it. I’m going to do it, so don’t argue with me.”

She hesitates. “I just need to ask, where are you getting this money from? It’s not illegal, is it?”

I smile because if only she knew all my money is coming from YouTube. “No, it’s very much legal. I promise.”

She narrows her eyes, but then they soften. “I won’t press, but are you sure you want to take on this responsibility? I can get another job. It’s not a big deal.”

“I’m sure. I just want to take care of you. Okay?”

“Okay.” She bashfully smiles. “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. I should’ve spoken to you earlier, but after I talked to them, everything went blank and I didn’t think. I wanted to get it all done and I didn’t want to bother you. And you had the game and I didn’t want you to worry about me, but I realize now, I made a mistake. I’m sorry, Lan.”

I smile at the nickname. “I know they’ve made you feel that way, but you don’t bother me. I want to help you. I want to be here for you. I need you to let me, so next time, you call me and I’m here, okay?”

“Okay.” She smiles.

“So we’re okay?”

“We’re okay.” She loops her arms around my neck. “I love all of you, and I mean all. All the parts you consider messy and broken, I love them too, but I want you to know that’s not how I see them. I just see someone who went through so much, and all of those parts just became thicker. Fireproof, protecting you from all of the bad.”

I’ve never believed in luck or fate, not until now.

I rest my forehead against hers. “Thank you for grounding me.”

“Thank you for listening to me.”