Out of Nowhere (Balls and Brawn Bodyguard #4)

20. Chapter Twenty Seo-jun

Chapter Twenty: Seo-jun

A s they lay on the bed, the hotel air conditioner clicked on, filling the room with whirring background noise. Seo-jun felt limp and spent, as though Dex had sucked every one of his bones out through his dick with his talented mouth. His head rested on Dex’s chest and his right hand, covered in Dex’s jizz, on Dex’s firm stomach.

Seo-jun looked up to find Dex’s eyes on him.

“Hey,” Dex said, smiling.

In the sunlight coming in from the balcony doors, Dex’s hazel eyes looked bottle-green, and the hoarseness in his voice from deep-throating Seo-jun was as sexy as hell.

“Hey,” Seo-jun said back, not trusting himself to utter another word until he got his emotions under control. Because what had just happened had been a lot.

Dex sat up and went into the bathroom to wash off, coming back out a moment later and opening his suitcase. “I guess I should head over to Horizon.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Seo-jun offered.

“No, that’s okay. You stay here and unwind.”

Seo-jun almost said the whole reason he was there was to support him, but Dex was supposed to think Seo-fun was there because he needed a break from work. Although a small voice niggling at the back of his mind whispered to him that he might have spilled the beans while high on his pills.

Dex confirmed it a second later when he looked up after pulling on his jeans and a fresh shirt and said, “I know you said you wanted to support me, but I’m really fine going over there alone. It’s enough to have you waiting here when I get back.” He glanced at Seo-jun uncertainly. “Not that I expect you to wait. I mean, you can go out and do things. Anything you want to.”

“I’ll be here,” Seo-jun said, pulling on his underwear and getting to his feet. “We’ll eat when you get back.” For a moment, they stood there smiling stupidly at each other, and then Dex nodded and headed for the door.

After Dex left, Seo-jun flung himself back onto the bed. Obviously, taking two of his pills hadn’t been the best idea—who knew what he’d said to Dex during the time he was still high on them. He hoped it wasn’t anything too embarrassing. He closed his eyes, thinking about what had just happened. The feel of Dex’s lips on his—finally! The way Dex had sucked his dick…God, it had been hot. Dex’s pulsing cock in his hand and the noises he’d made when he came. Taking a deep breath, Seo-jun let it out slowly, the sound of traffic outside the window gradually fading away.

He awoke to a finger trailing down his bare chest.

“You’re still in your underwear,” Dex said, voice low.

Seo-jun blinked and looked around the room. “Did you forget something?”

Dex chuckled. “I’ve been gone for almost two hours.”

Yawning, Seo-jun rubbed his eyes. “Sorry. Guess I fell asleep. Did you see Anna?”

Dex nodded. “Briefly. She seemed fine. They wouldn’t let me go in and talk to her—she was in the middle of an art class—but she looked happy. They said visiting hours were after four. Want to go get some lunch? I’m starving.”

Seo-jun got dressed, and the two men left the hotel. Consulting their phones, they found a restaurant and drove there in their rental car. The entire time, Seo-jun kept thinking about things he hadn’t thought about in years. He hadn’t expected that being in California again would bring so many memories surging back of when he’d lived there before.

“Is something wrong?” Dex asked as they walked across the parking lot to the restaurant. “You have an odd look on your face.”

“No, I’m good.” Seo-jun attempted a smile as he recognized the restaurant as part of a chain he and Haru had eaten at many times in San Francisco.

As they followed the hostess to their seats, Seo-jun considered opening up to Dex. He’d never talked about his time with Haru with anyone. But he trusted Dex, and he wanted him to know he was important to him.

After the waiter poured them some wine, Seo-jun said, “Actually, something is bothering me.”

Putting down his glass, Dex gave him his undivided attention.

“I didn’t expect so many memories to flood back from when I lived here.”

“Bad memories?” Dex asked.

Seo-jun licked his lips. “It’s complicated. I told you I had a relationship with a man while I lived in San Francisco.”

Dex nodded. “The one you came to America to be with.”

“Right. His name was Izumi Haru, and he was almost twenty years older than I was.”

Dex’s eyes widened. “Wow. How old were you then?”

“Eighteen when I arrived here, but I’d been talking to him on the internet for two years. Haru was nearly forty,”

Dex frowned. “That’s a little…”

“Creepy?”

Dex nodded. “Well, yeah. But maybe it wasn’t for the two of you?”

Seo-jun chuckled darkly. “Oh, I think it was. I just didn’t realize it then. Looking back on it, I can see so clearly now how he lured me here.”

“He groomed you,” Dex said quietly.

Seo-jun nodded. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry, Seo-jun.”

Somehow, the words helped. He smiled ruefully. “It’s fucked up, I know. I didn’t expect to step off the plane and suddenly be bombarded with memories that, now that I’m older, are frankly disturbing. It’s like, facing them now, I’m seeing them for the first time for what they were. I thought Haru and I were in a relationship, but it wasn’t at all the way I saw it then. I realized that long ago, of course, once I was old enough to get some perspective, but now that I’m here, I’m being assaulted with memories I didn’t even know were stored in my subconscious.”

Dex thought a moment before saying, “Maybe you need some closure. Do you think it would help you to go back to San Francisco? You know, see things in a new light?” Dex asked.

“Maybe.” Seo-jun thought about going back to the small house he’d lived in with Haru in the Bay Area. Would it still be there? Probably.

“Was he…unkind to you?” Dex asked, looking so upset, Seo-jun’s heart swelled with affection for him.

“No. It’s hard to explain. I was so naive and new to the country. I also didn’t know anything about being with a man. In fact, I wondered for a while after we broke up if he had coerced me into being gay or something. Like, maybe I wasn’t really attracted to men at all. Then I realized that I was, but it didn’t really matter anyway. I was broken.”

“What do you mean?” Dex asked, reaching for Seo-jun’s hand. “You aren’t broken.”

“I just mean, after Haru, I couldn’t see myself in another relationship. Until you.” Dex’s eyes widened, and Seo-jun forged on. “The thing about Haru was that he was good to me. He might have even really loved me. And I thought I loved him. But, looking back, I realize he controlled me. Haru had to do everything for me because I barely knew the language, an rather than teach me so I could do things on my own, he made me rely on him. When I told Brand about narcissists, I knew all that because I lived with one for five years. I knew how to drive, but I didn’t have a car. I wanted to work, but Haru insisted that I stay at home so he could take care of me. He picked out my clothes, the food I ate, and I just thought it was because he loved me. Sex was all about bringing his fantasies to life. He would dress me in different ways. As a student, as a girl, as a hooker. He would make up scenarios for us to act out, picking me up at a seedy bar, or attacking me from behind the door.”

Seo-jun had been studying his hands as he talked, and when he looked up and saw the pain and worry on Dex’s face, he felt terrible. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dumped all of this on you.”

“No, it’s okay. I want you to be able to talk to me,” Dex said. “It’s just a little hard to hear this about someone I care about. How did it end?”

The waiter approached with their food, and when he was gone again and Seo-jun and Dex had salted and peppered and buttered everything on their plates that needed it, Seo-jun continued.

“I think the big change happened between us after Haru taught me the art of throwing Kunai. I was good at it. Better than he was. I think it made him look at me in a different way. He couldn’t stand for anyone to be better than he was in any way. Especially me. And the one thing I had insisted on when I moved in with him was that I would continue my studies in Taekwondo. I got to the point where I could take him down, and he didn’t like that.”

“That’s not love,” Dex said.

“No, it isn’t. I see now that he was obsessed with me, and I was blind to it. I overlooked the way he got angry whenever my eyes strayed to anyone else, man or woman, no matter how innocently. I told myself he was jealous because he loved me so much. That he was unsure of my love for him because of our age difference. I tried so hard to be what I thought he wanted me to be, but, in the end, he left. I’ve never spoken to him since.”

“Do you know where he is now?” Dex asked.

“A couple of years ago I looked him up on the internet out of curiosity. He Westernized his name and married a couple of years after he left me. A woman. I didn’t even know he was attracted to women, although he dressed me like one often enough. His wife is much younger than he is. He has five children now, two of them twins, all still in elementary school. He lives in Texas and raises cattle for beef, I think.” Seo-jun took a deep breath and let it out, surprised at how much better he felt having said it all out loud. He hadn’t told anyone other than his therapist in New York about his relationship with Haru.

Dex squeezed his hand. “I’m glad you told me.”

“The weird thing is, I was never what you would call traumatized by it. It’s only now, being here, that I’m starting to remember little things and feeling victimized.”

“I don’t think it’s weird. Your mind was protecting itself. Now, maybe it feels like you can handle it. Have you thought about getting therapy?”

“I went to a therapist for about a year when I lived in New York, when I started realizing how wrong my relationship with Haru had been and when the stress of trying to make it on my own was really getting to me. It helped a lot. I guess it would do me some good to start seeing one again now that I’m starting to have these new feelings.”

Dex nodded. “That’s good. I’m glad you’re not afraid to get help.”

They changed the subject to lighter things while they finished eating, then it was time for Dex to go to see Anna.

“Will you come with me?” Dex surprised Seo-jun by asking.

“Of course,” Seo-jun replied. “I’d be happy to.”