Perfect (Love in Yorkshire #1)

Nine

It felt like I’d been laid in bed for hours, staring up at the Artext ceiling with abstract thoughts about how dated it looked and the possibility of the presence of asbestos. Strange how those weird obscure thoughts pop in there when you are trying not to think about the obvious. I was having a lot of those lately. I’d replayed the conversation Connor had with his mother so many times, that I could probably have written a play about it. What if I was wrong and it was more straightforward? I blamed the amount of drama I used to watch on TV.

Releasing a weary sigh, I pulled the covers up and continued to stare into the silence.

My feelings towards Connor seemed to be growing all the time, which was annoying, considering my initial intention to keep my distance.

The fact that I wanted to be in his company twenty-four-seven was now impossible to escape from, a bit like a non-swimmer in the middle of the sea.

My thoughts flickered back to my mother and I fleetingly wondered how things were going with Phil. He was probably the right guy for her, nice, quiet and uptight. Definitely a keeper and not the type to stray. I think if my mum lost another man to another woman, it would probably finish her off.

I felt a rush of irritation that I couldn’t sleep and blamed my stepbrother entirely. He’d still not come home and it worried the hell out of me. What if he’d driven into a ditch or something?

The house was quiet which suggested dad and Rachel had gone to bed. I mean, who did that, who allowed a not even twenty-two-year-old to storm off after an argument and then go to bed before he was safely home?

I rolled my eyes, maybe this wasn’t so unusual for him? Maybe he did it all the time. How the hell would I know, I had only known him a few weeks and yet for some reason, he’d still managed to work his voodoo shit on me? I couldn’t stop thinking about him and now as I looked back, I acknowledged that he’d probably played on my mind ever since the anniversary party. Maybe it was due to him being so indifferent to me, as indifference was something I rarely experienced. Isn’t there a saying that we all want what we can’t have? The unattainable ?

My mind skittered back to those last few weeks at school and how pathetic and immature the other boys were next to Connor.

Feeling fried, I screwed my eyes shut, willing myself to sleep for several minutes before I started to drift off.

An engine cut into my slumber as Connor’s car pulled up to the house. The sound of gravel crunching against the tyres.

My bedroom was in darkness and I twisted to the bedside table to check my iPhone, scrunching my eyes against the offending light. It was well past midnight. Where the hell had he been?

The relief that spiralled in me was soon replaced with the feeling that something was wrong. He slammed the car door forcefully and I felt even more worried.

Sliding out from under the bedcovers, I readjusted my shorty pyjamas which had become twisted and padded barefoot over to the window to peel back the curtain.

Connor was closing the boot of the Ranger and I observed him through drowsy eyes as he strode off towards the hay barn, a swirling riptide of curiosity within me.

This would be the fourth occasion I had caught him going in there at night, although this was certainly the latest time that I had witnessed it. What on God’s earth was he doing in there? Working? Smoking weed? Meeting someone ? I struck the last thought off my list as it made me want to bleach my brain.

As he disappeared from sight, without thinking twice about what I was doing, I shot over to grab my robe, securing it tightly around my shivering body. The temperature in the house was so much cooler at night and no matter how much I’d tinkered with the radiator thermostat, it never helped. It was either boiling hot or too cold, there was no in-between.

My thoughts shifted back to Connor. It was grating on me, I had to find out what the hell he did in there.

Listening for a sign that my dad and Rachel were still up, I pulled on my UGGs, weighing up my options. The house was still deathly quiet, signalling that the adults were probably fast asleep in bed, which fuelled my bravery. I had never been very successful in my two attempts to sneak out of the house back home but then again, mum usually stayed up late at night and didn’t always pass out on the sofa. It was now or never .

One way or another I was going to get to the bottom of what was going on with my volatile, unreadable stepbrother. I had to find a way to reach him, to make him open up to me and share the burden before he did something really stupid.

As I crept carefully down the poorly lit staircase, I toyed with several ideas on how to tackle the situation and how not to antagonise him. Calling Connor unpredictable was an understatement. If I said the wrong thing, he’d simply seize up or vent his spleen. Both of these were not outcomes I was not aiming to achieve on this particular trip.

The night air was chilly against my skin and I carefully closed the front door behind me so as not to alert those inside. It was a crisp fresh night with only the faint sounds of animals shuffling in the main barn and a rustling of trees. I pursed my lips as I made my way toward the hayloft where I saw a tell-tale faint glow of light.

I eyed Connor’s car as I passed. It reminded me of that first day when he’d picked me up from the station and what a dick he had been. It was strange really. I had thought I’d despised him at that point. Now I didn’t know how I felt, but it certainly wasn’t hatred. Somehow in spite of his harsh treatment of me, he’d gotten under my skin to the point where I needed to know more. I was desperate to fill in the gaps about what had happened to him and how that had affected his life with my father. It was all very mysterious and after all the years of keeping my head down, it was odd to think that since I’d arrived here, I’d done anything but. It appeared there was a bit of the adventurous in me after all.

I rubbed the gooseflesh from my arms and shook a curtain of hair back from my face. I usually slept with my hair in plaits but had left it loose and it was now creating chaos in the night breeze. As I approached the opening into the barn, I peered through and heard a strange repetitive thumping noise, pounding into the silence.

Turning the corner, I spied Connor and crept steadily forward, glancing briefly at my surroundings. He was alone apart from floor to ceiling stacks of hay bales and a couple of rusty bits of farm equipment.

Nervous knots were twisting in my stomach as I greedily eyed the scene before me. He looked sensational and I thought back to that first electric touch of his mouth .

The amber glow from the lamps illuminated his perfectly sculptured torso as he threw violent punches at what appeared to be a large sack of grain that was hanging from a beam with rope. It was like one of those workout bags you see at the gym.

His jabs were hard and fast, the material straining with each contact like it could split at any minute. I bit back my knowing smile. So, this was how he’d replaced his medication. He dealt with his anger issues by beating the crap out of stuff. I was partly relieved, to be honest, as the thought of him meeting someone in here for a midnight shag, was not an image I relished.

I could have groaned at how unbelievable he looked. Ripped blue jeans sat low on his hips. He had the best bum I had ever seen on a guy.

I ran my gaze up his back. His tee rippled over his shoulder muscles, but that wasn’t the only thing that caught my eye, his knuckles were smeared with blood. So that’s why they looked pretty mashed up all the time. I had assumed it was from farm work.

My hand reached out to notify him of my presence, but I stopped myself and tucked it behind my back.

It was then that he became still like he’d sensed someone watching and he pulled his fists from the sack, slowly turning towards me.

Connor’s eyes fell hard on mine and the tension swelled. His breathing was heavy and I silently cursed my crazy idea to come now that it was way too late to retreat. Badass testosterone radiated from him.

My mouth went dry and I licked my lips, his predatory gaze lingering on the movement.

He didn’t speak straight away, but I saw a muscle in his jaw tic and felt exposed in the scrap of silk I called my pyjamas. The short silk robe did little to cover them or my body. I should have pulled on my jeans. I had come here to talk, to find out if he was OK, not for anything else I’d told myself as I left the house.

Connor’s gaze continued to roam over my body. It felt like he was physically touching me. He had obviously registered that I was wearing next to nothing and the aggressive passion he’d been directing into the seed bag, had now transferred to me.

He whistled in a sexy way.

“Curiosity killed the kitty,” he began with a wolfish look.

“So, they say,” I declared, arching an eyebrow. I had to remain firm, this was about business, a fact-finding mission only.

There was a moment’s pause before he continued, casting a glance at the thick watch he wore on his wrist. My tone must have gotten his attention.

“What are you doing here Harlow? Surely little girls should be tucked up in bed at this hour.” His face was partially shadowed, but I could see his discontent.

At the word little girl, I felt my anger levels bubble.

“What do you think I’m doing here? I’ve been worried. I wanted to check you’re OK,” I shot out, my heart galloping in my chest.

His eyes narrowed as if he didn’t buy it. “Really?”

I scrunched my face up in disbelief.

“Yes, fuckwit really !”

He cocked a brow, blatantly surprised by my language.

I told myself to relax before demanding in a typical fishwife type of tone.

“Where have you been?”

Connor rolled his eyes. He wasn’t going to tell me and I placed my hands on my hips, showing I meant business.

“Your hands are bleeding,” I pointed out crossly in a ‘matter-of-fact’ way with a flick of my head. Like a mother telling a child off for ripping his jeans.

He didn’t bat an eyelid. My comment was a dumb thing to say really as if he didn’t know that his hands were all messed up. His knuckles looked angry and my fingers twitched with the urge to soothe his injuries. He wore no tape this time and had been beating the crap out of the bag bare-knuckled it appeared.

“And what, you’ve come to kiss them better?” he drawled mockingly, his lips curling as he moved towards me with determined, but slow steps. I stayed exactly where I was, equally resolute that I would not back away. I dropped my arms to my sides.

My reply surprised me.

“Maybe?” I taunted. I was playing with fire but was past caring.

My directness was obviously unexpected by Connor as he came close and stared down at me with an all-seeing expression; like he was reaching into me, searching for the truth, stealing my secrets .

His eyes probed mine and he stopped around a metre away before slowly withdrawing a rag from his jeans pocket. He wiped his knuckles without breaking eye contact.

Connor’s lips curled slowly.

“So, you’ve come for another taste?” he said as he twisted his head momentarily to throw the rag on a bale of hay.

He turned back to face me, he was baiting me back and I knew it, but I didn’t care. Two could play that game.

I stood with my heart in my mouth.

“What if I have? What do you think about that?”

His mouth curled. “I think you’re on dangerous ground.” He was like a predatory animal on the verge of pouncing and I was the prey.

I folded my arms again.

“Why? You scared?” I tilted my head and shot him a provocative stare.

Considering I was so tired, I was on fire tonight, I usually hated any type of conflict, even when there was an undercurrent of attraction; a love/hate vibe, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to.

Excitement flared in my chest at our banter. There was a definite battle of wills and I basked in it. This guy brought out the worst in me, or maybe this was the best of me?

Connor exhaled sharply before he countered. “Not at all, but you should be. Maybe I’ll take more than just a kiss.”

I cursed my blush; the bubble of emotions swirling in my stomach coming to the boil but in a good way. The guy was way above me in the area of sexual experience but I wanted this boy, needed to feed this hunger for him.

If only Lisa could see me now. Gone was the scared little girl and in her place was a strong, confident young woman.

It was my turn to roll my eyes.

“So, you’re back to threatening me again?” I questioned with a twist to my lips, baiting him further, totally unfazed by what he was suggesting. I noted how he used the word ‘take’ instead of ‘want’, like it was his choice alone. That excited me more .

“You know I don’t make threats. We’ve had this conversation before,” he shook off the comment and contemplated his answer. “Just promises.”

He paused and gave me a pointed look. “Then you can’t say I didn’t try to warn you,” he added using his ‘serious’ voice.

It was a blatant ‘hit you between the eyes’ challenge. The gauntlet was down and it poured fuel onto an already raging fire. My whole body was simmering and another trickle of excitement coursed through me.

I would not be the one to back down!

“I see. I think I’ll stay. You need to learn that you can’t boss me around like you can everyone else.”

I saw a flash of something across his expression like maybe he was impressed or relieved even, that I hadn’t run away and taken the easy way out.

“Suit yourself,” he replied before moving away towards a hay bale as if distance was the safest bet. I was surprised he hadn’t reacted how I’d expected him to, considering I had challenged him. If there was one guy I couldn’t read in this world, he was it.

Connor positioned himself a safe distance against a bale of hay but undeterred, I followed him so I again stood before him, allowing him no means of escape.

I pushed my hands into the pockets of my robe in order to appear less aggressive and more open. If I pushed too hard, I’d lose the connection and he’d clam up again.

“You know I heard you and Rachel today, I didn’t mean to listen but the door was open.”

His eyes narrowed further, maybe he hadn’t realised I’d been eavesdropping after all.

“And what do you think you heard Harlow?” he said, searching my face.

I cleared my throat and banged a hand against my chest. Here goes.

“I know you were talking about your dad and that you’re both in hiding from him?”

Connor swore rudely in a ‘you know fuck all’ type of manner and I felt an unexpected twinge of sympathy.

“You heard wrong. My mother is hiding. I can’t wait to meet the bastard face to face. ”

He tried to hide it but I heard the tremor in his voice, he wasn’t as cocksure as he put out there.

His sentence confirmed that at last, I appeared to be getting somewhere and I pulled my trembling hands from my robe and allowed them to drop to my sides. I had a feeling that what I was about to hear may not be easy to digest and I needed to appear relaxed in order to encourage him to offload. I was certain he’d shut down in a heartbeat if he knew how stressed and out of my element I was really feeling.

“What did he do? Did he hurt your mother?” I asked quietly and tactfully. If that was the case as I suspected, it must have been terrible for him.

The directness of my question verbally knocked him back a step.

He cleared his throat.

“Not physically. But it really isn’t any of your fucking business.”

I looked away for a moment.

“No, but it could be. Have you never heard the saying a problem shared is a problem halved?” I was desperate to awaken that thing inside him that he had obviously buried a long time ago. The ability to trust in someone else.

At my words, Connor smirked, searching my face.

“Have you ever heard the phrase, don’t stick your nose into things you could never understand?” he bit back.

I rocked forward as I battled with my reply.

“Really, and why wouldn’t I understand; because my life has been so perfect?” I spat sarcastically.

“You said it,” he shot back.

I warded off the need to fold my arms again. Did he really think I’d had it easy with no problems of my own? Everyone has problems.

“That’s rubbish and you know it,” I growled, my knuckles curling into fists as I thought about my parent’s divorce and the torture of my last few weeks at school.

He pushed himself off the hay bale and took a step closer, his breath against my face. His top was stuck to the hard planes of his chest with sweat but his scent was still heady .

I craned my neck to look up at him, determined not to be intimidated as he towered over me. He was so tall and strong. I was like a small flower in his presence.

“Everyone has problems Connor,” I vocalised.

He turned his perfectly straight nose up at my words.

“Yes; and your biggest one will be me if you don’t go, while I let you.”

My pulse fluttered and I felt a momentary swirl of giddy panic rise in my chest. The latter part of the sentence was harsher as if my determination to carry on the conversation had started to grind away his control.

I swallowed nervously but managed to hold my ground. I couldn’t stop now. I wasn’t afraid even though he was trying to be intimidating. I knew he’d never hurt me or force me to do anything, not really.

“No,” I said, my bottom lip quivering slightly. His eyes darted to my mouth and his dark brows were knitted together. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of me, it was totally surreal.

Connor’s mouth was twisted.

“No?” he repeated with one eyebrow arched.

I wrung my hands together before pushing a clump of hair off my shoulder.

“Yes, as in no, I’m not going anywhere. I want to help and I’m a good listener.”

I managed to maintain a passive expression, even though my body was coiled tight and rigid.

He looked up at the ceiling in a ‘God give me strength’ type of way before dropping his head to shoot me a stare.

“Is that right?”

“Yep. Ask any of my girlfriends. I’m forever putting out fires,” I put in brightly and I purposefully raised my eyebrows defiantly.

He wasn’t impressed and his expression turned even darker and more brooding.

“I just bet you are,” he began, before dropping his voice to a whisper. He bent his head down towards my ear. “But you see, there’s a different type of fire in me right now Harlow, and it has nothing to do with my parents,” he whispered.

“OK,” I replied, a pinch of uncertainty drizzling through me.

I was just about to move around him to sit on a hale bale and say ‘I’m all ears’ before he drawled .

“Let me show you.”

He spoke his last sentence slowly, his eyes darkening, his expression altering to one of pure challenge. He was standing so close, I saw his pupils dilate and my heart fluttered like a wild bird against my ribcage, awareness pooling into me, and then…I nearly died.

Connor’s eyes roamed over my body which was partly concealed in the short silk robe. His hands lifted to the belt and he pulled the ties and slid it open, revealing my camisole and shorts beneath it.

“Like opening a present,” he murmured softly, his voice thickening.

Another jet of excitement shot into me as he took in the shape of my body before pushing the robe off my shoulders with his thumbs. They felt slightly calloused against my naked skin, probably from all the work he did on the farm. The silk puddled at our feet, totally forgotten.

A breath caught in my throat as his dark gaze fell to my breasts; his fingertips lightly brushing over my silk-encased nipples.

My next words were swallowed as he grabbed my hips, tugging me against his body. I fell forward, plastered against him, my breasts crushed against his hard chest and my hands clutching at his arms for balance. He threaded one hand through my hair, dragging my head back, my eyes smarting from the sudden tug against my scalp and I gasped in surprise as he lowered his head and his mouth slammed against mine.

I ignited.

His mouth ground down against the softness of my lips. The kiss was hard and demanding, intended as punishment, but the feel of his lips produced a sexual frenzy inside me, and moisture flooded between my legs. He drove his tongue inside and my own rose to greet it, I was so turned on and I leaned further into him, accepting everything he had to give. Lust, hot and insistent pulsated through my limbs, it was mind-blowing.

Connor moaned against my mouth as his onslaught continued, licking, nibbling, tasting. It was wild and I slid my arms around his neck pushing upwards, providing deeper access to my mouth.

I didn’t realise he was walking me backward until I felt the barn wall against my back, the cold seeping through my nightclothes. I was caged in and Connor released my head and ran his hands back down my spine before cupping my bottom and pulling me further against him. I could feel he was rock hard against my stomach and I longed to feel him between my legs. The thumping in my chest was almost painful. How would it feel to have him inside me? My legs parted further to allow him even closer and I felt the urge to wrap my fingers around his cock, feel his strength in my palm. I could tell he was large, would it hurt that first time like they said it did, would we even fit? I was so tiny and he was so tall and big.

I moaned in pleasure against him, he was blowing my mind in more ways than one and I surrendered myself to him as my tongue fenced with his.

Sliding my hands across his broad shoulders, my fingertips gently traced the muscles on his arms. I faintly noted how the skin under his tattoos felt quite rough compared to the other side, but I filed away the thought, too wrapped up in the excitement being generated by his sensual attack. I continued to allow my hand to travel down his body, I needed to touch him.

Some type of skirmish occurred in the barn next to us which broke into my thoughts and alarm bells sounded in my head as Connor pulled away and abruptly ended the kiss. Reality crashed back into my senses like a cruel wave and my hands dropped to curl into his t-shirt, holding on to him as if my life depended on it. He was breathing hard and fast and my body shuddered.

An evil mixture of disappointment and shame crushed my chest. Had I really just behaved in such a way? Connor had kissed me as a punishment to warn me off him and I had liked it. My behaviour was all kinds of messed up. I needed to get a grip.

I tried to step back but the wall was behind me and I pressed a hand to my mouth, shaking, slightly confused by the feelings fluttering like butterflies in my stomach, a whole zoo of them.

Connor hissed out a sharp breath as he pulled further away, putting more distance between our bodies, gently moving my arms off his chest. I recognised his anger was battling against his arousal.

“You should go,” he rasped, his features partially shadowed again.

I remained silent, allowing myself time to recover my composure. If Connor had not pulled away, I wouldn’t have stopped him and the truth of that lay between us unspoken, but blatantly there. Like a fucking bomb about to explode. I wanted to have sex with him, needed him to be my first.

“I mean it, Harlow, go now. Do you really want your first time to be in a barn with fucking cows and shit? You can be sure I won’t let you off so easily next time.”

I felt hurt by the strength of his words. He made something that had been so beautiful and exhilarating sound seedy.

“What if I don’t care?”

He exhaled down his nose sharply, his eyes angry. “Well, I do. Now is not the right time and certainly not here; I use this area for a different type of release and it has nothing to do with what’s between your legs.”

I flinched. I knew he was being vulgar on purpose to scare me off. Waiving my virginity and inexperience in my face. Suddenly feeling deflated, I said in a little voice. “It doesn’t have to be this way. We could be friends you know or whatever you want me to be. I’m not a bad person,” I whispered, unable to hide the sadness in my voice.

His expression softened and he moved closer, running his fingertips up and down my arms, but not actually holding me. It was a tender, affectionate thing to do and it felt so good. My spirits lifted slightly.

I inhaled him in as he closed his eyes and placed his forehead against my own, his body tense. My back was still pushed against the barn wall.

“No, you’re not a bad person at all but I am and you need to keep your distance. You’re too sweet, too young, too fucking perfect. You should experience this shit with a boy your own age, a good guy. Fuck me, maybe even Tom fucking Wade. Experiment, although just thinking about you doing that with anyone else, makes me want to hit stuff.”

I was about to reply but he lifted his head and placed a finger to my lips.

“Not you of course, you know I’d never do that,” he promised.

I believed him.

“I know that. I’m not afraid of you. Not at all, even when you’re at your meanest.”

His eyes drilled into me as he replied.

“That’s just it you see Harlow, you haven’t seen me at my meanest, and I never want you to. ”

I quirked an eyebrow at that one. “You came close at Nate’s party.”

Connor smiled but it was grim. “Not really. I wouldn’t have hit him. Not unless he had his hands all over you. I’d probably have broken his nose then.”

I gave him a pointed look.

“So, you don’t want me but you don’t want others to have me, and then you tell me I should ‘experiment’ with guys my age? Talk about mixed messages Connor.”

He sighed.

“That’s my point. At times I feel like I’m two different people, one good, one bad. Mixed. Do you really want to be close to someone like that Harlow? Someone unpredictable and so completely fucked up,” he stated in a tortured voice.

The muscles in his arms shifted and tensed. His words pulled my chest tight.

“Give up on me.”

I didn’t even need to give my reply any thought as the word burst firmly from my lips.

“No. Not going to happen.”

It was that ‘no’ that seemed to tether us together and his gaze roamed over my features as if looking for a different way to break me down.

He moved back a step our eyes still locked together.

“It’s your funeral,” he put in with a slight smile, that hint of misery fading from his eyes.

It was like there was a silent understanding between us at that moment and the tension lifted. Like Connor had surrendered slightly.

I moved forward and pushed gently against his body and he stepped back further to give me more space, his expression guarded.

“A few of us are going into Scarborough tomorrow night, why don’t you come?”

This got his attention and he raised his eyebrows and shot me a pointed look.

“So now you’re seventeen, you think it’s safe to go clubbing? The town is a complete dive Harlow. You won’t enjoy it.”

“Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. But it’s a change. I’d enjoy it if you were there.”

“Do I look like I’m the type to go clubbing?”

“Yes actually. You’re a young, attractive guy. Why shouldn’t you go out and enjoy yourself? You have it all really Connor, you’re just missing one element. ”

“I see, and what’s that Doctor Williams, since you suddenly know me so well.”

“Fun.”

He smirked. “Ah, fun. That strange word that everyone goes on about.”

“Yes. It’s something that you appear to have forgotten how to have it.”

He looked at me broodingly. “I can think of a lot more ways of having fun than getting shit-faced and going clubbing Harlow.”

I knew he was referencing sexual fun but I moved the conversation on.

“Well, me too but still. Why not? Give it a go. Come with us. I promise I won’t force you to dance or anything.”

His sexy eyebrows rose at that one. “You couldn’t if you tried Harlow.”

I smiled. “Please at least think about it. I’d love it if you came but it’s up to you of course.”

I delivered what would be my last words that evening. Connor did open his mouth to speak but I held up my hand warding him off.

“I suggest you soak your hands before bed Connor,” I instructed, taking control. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I gave him one last meaningful look with my hand flat against my chest, hoping, no praying that he’d get the message that I was there for him. That I had some type of feelings for him even if I wasn’t sure what kind they were yet. I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. So much had happened in such a short space of time, I felt thoroughly railroaded

As I walked away, I knew he was watching me leave and I hoped he’d call me back but of course, he didn’t. I felt an overwhelming urge to cry but managed to restrain myself.

As I arrived back in my room without waking anyone, my eyes were drawn to the faint trace of blood on one of my shoulders. Blood from Connor’s hands, I traced it with my finger before an overwhelming feeling gripped me.

I threw myself onto the bed and allowed that evening’s events to pour out of me into my pillow. I felt a tightness in my throat, like I was nervous and at that point, I realised the barefaced truth of the matter.

Connor Barratt had the power to ruin me.