Phoenix Found (Brothers of Fire #5)

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Oliver crossed his legs on the sofa and picked up his teacup as though it could protect him. “I’d like to explore one of my previous lives.”

If wanting to explore everything that he missed out on in this life and the past couple was a soul bruise, then perhaps revisiting a life where that hadn’t been a problem would help.

Quentin narrowed his eyes. “Which one?”

“I don’t know. A happy one? I’m not ready to review the ones when I was in captivity, nor do I want to examine the one where I was captured.” He was certain those lives were not what he needed. But he couldn’t say exactly what he was searching for. It was more of a feeling…perhaps even a reassurance that, as Perrin said, he’d done all this before and would do so again.

Everest had sacrificed this life to save him. He hadn’t been worried about missing out. And yes, he needed to speak with his demon-brother, but he didn’t know what to say to him. ‘Thank you’ didn’t seem like enough .

“I’m not sure I can pluck out a happy one. Besides, no life is all happiness.”

“I just want to…” He lifted his hand and wiggled his fingers. “I want to see a life where I lived. So that I know it’s possible. I want to feel myself shifting and using my magic.” And if he’d been an asshole in the past, he didn’t have to be that person again. He’d loved Everest once. Though they’d been different people at the time. But that meant he was capable of love.

He liked Perrin.

But he didn’t want to be dependent on him or his brothers for everything, even if he did need to take things slowly to get used to the world.

“I thought you’d invited me up to talk about how things were progressing and that you needed more information.” Quentin grinned.

“Everything went very well, thank you.”

“And?”

“And I’m not telling. And you’re not allowed to peek.” He waved his finger. It was bad enough, Dalmon knew. He didn’t want everyone to find out, though he wasn’t sure why he felt like that.

“Okay, it’s not polite to peek, anyway.”

“Is it normal to want to keep things quiet?”

“Yeah, especially at the start. It’s new and exciting, and you aren’t sure if it’s going to work out. Did he say anything? Does he want to be a secret, because if he said that he might be married or already have someone?”

Aside from being expected to marry another ghoul? Oliver took a sip of tea. “No.”

He hadn’t spoken to Perrin today, but then he’d been busy with magic and French lessons, as well as doing assigned reading on the modern world. It was like being back in school. And no doubt Perrin had been busy because he had an actual job to do. Even Quentin had a job.

All he had was study.

Did he need to find a job?

He didn’t think he needed a job, or at least he didn’t need a job for the money. But he needed to do something with his life, and he wasn’t up to running a country or an organization. He wasn’t even sure he could run his own estate.

The most complicated thing he’d managed so far was breaking a tap to call Perrin to his rooms, but that had worked out far better than he’d hoped.

“So can you help me or not?”

“I can help you, but it’s not like reliving an entire life as much as flicking open a book and reading a few pages here and there. It makes it easier if there is something particular you’re seeking to experience or find, like if you are looking for the cause of a soul bruise.”

“I want to see myself doing something competently instead of being behind. And being able to use my magic.”

“That shouldn’t be too tricky. And I should be able to work out which lives are the ones you want to avoid. Though you should examine them, probably with a Coven psych who is qualified to deal with trauma and such. My only training is in looking at previous lives.” Quentin leaned forward, his voice becoming more animated. “And to be honest, hearing some of those ancient languages being spoken is a real trip. It’s like witnessing history.”

“You’re only in it for the dead languages, aren’t you?”

“There are things in that library that I want to translate. I spent four years at university studying archeology and dead languages, and now…” He drew in a breath. “I can, and it’s all so exciting, even though I can’t tell anyone.”

“That doesn’t bother you? ”

“No. For me, it’s about the discovery and learning.”

Huh…Quentin was doing it for the experience and the love of learning, nothing more. He wasn’t worried about soul bruises and experiencing everything. “You aren’t worried about the things you’ll never do?”

Quentin frowned. “I think everyone does at some point, and I know that as a witch, I will have another life, and I’ll find Kaine again, but it won’t be me as I am now. Not the way you’ll still be you. And while I find the past interesting, I don’t believe all the answers are there. And just because you can look at your past doesn’t mean it will be useful. It might even be destructive.”

“You’re referring to Everest.”

“I am. He wants to see you when you’re ready.”

Every time he thought of Everest, he saw the man who’d lost his mind, laughing as he played with fire. Everest was the danger the Shadow Board had claimed Oliver was. Yet, it was now clear that Everest had been in control of his magic. If he hadn’t been, they’d all be dead. “When I get back from my estate.”

“How long will you be there?”

“I don’t know.” But he liked the idea of getting out of the castle and being on his own far more than he should. If being in a house he owned, surrounded by castle security and staff could be called alone. Most people dreamed of having everything provided, but that had been his entire life. He’d never made decisions. Never been given options. Even yesterday, with the clothes, it was Quentin telling him what looked good—and Perrin didn’t seem to care what he wore when they were getting undressed.

Quentin pressed his lips together. “Are you running away?”

“I need to figure out who I am and figure out what I want. I don’t have a role to play like my brothers.” Which was an odd sentence to say out loud, even though he understood the necessity behind the roles.

“Do you want one?”

Oliver shrugged. “I don’t know enough to make that decision. But I don’t want to trade one cell for another, no matter how pretty. You don’t find it all too much?”

“No, it feels like I found a home. Why don’t I find a memory where you had a home?”

“Okay.” Oliver finished his cup of tea and set it on the coffee table. “You won’t accidentally unlock all my memories?”

“No. That was something very specific that Everest did. I helped him close the doors.”

He needed to experience a life where he knew what he was doing, where his brothers weren’t expecting him to stumble and break. Even Perrin was wary about going too fast with him.

How would he learn when to stop if he never pushed to the edges? If he never tested his wings to see how far and how fast and how high he could fly?

But at the same time, there was a fear that he’d die and have to start over. And he didn’t want that either, even though Dalmon had hinted that if this was too much, it was an option.

There were moments when it had been tempting.

But the soul bruise would follow him into his next life. The frustration and need that he couldn’t quite explain, only that he felt confined. Yeah, from centuries of being trapped. “Show me a life when I was free.”

“Free or had a home?”

“Can they not be the same thing? Free to live my life.”

Quentin lifted his eyebrows. “No one is truly free. We all follow rules and such.”

The tips of his fingers tingled as if they were about to burn. Oliver drew in a slow breath and brought his shifting heat back to his center. When he was sure that he wasn’t about to burst into flames, he spoke. “I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Well, let’s have a look at what we’re dealing with.”

“No peeking at the locked-up lives.”

“I won’t. Besides, it’s your head, so you’ll be there, and we’ll see the same thing.”

“Oh. How does it work if I’m in my head?”

“It’s like watching movies of your past,” Quentin said as though that explained everything.

He really needed to start watching TV. He’d ask Perrin to show him tonight, and maybe they could watch some of Perrin’s favorite shows. Oliver nodded as though Quentin’s explanation was fine. “Great. What do you need me to do?”

“I still find it easier to get in if I’m touching the person. Is that okay?”

Oliver pressed his lips together, not sure that it was but since there wasn’t another option without asking a Coven mind reader to poke around—which he didn’t want to do—and since Quentin was specializing in past lives and phoenixes, it made him the best choice. “Sure.”

“That’s the least convincing ‘sure’ I’ve ever heard. Just give me your ankle.”

Oliver unfolded his legs and offered his foot.

Quentin placed his hand over the top. “That’s it, I swear.”

Oliver nodded. That touch was fine. “Now what?”

“Close your eyes and try not to resist.”

Olive stared at him. “Pretty sure you gave me the same advice yesterday about sex.”

“I did not!” Quentin was indignant for about two seconds before breaking into laughter. “Very funny. I never said ‘close your eyes’. But yes, if you tense up, I won’t be able to get into your mind. I don’t know how good your defenses are. Some people—trained witches, for example, and other mind readers— it’s like trying to break into a fortified military base. They can even control their surface thoughts.”

“So it’s like they have none?”

“No, they create false ones, so anyone trying to skim only sees what the witch wants them to see.” Quentin became more animated as he talked. The way he seemed to do when he was interested in something.

That’s what he didn’t have. He wasn’t interested in anything. Sure, he enjoyed reading, but that was because it was all he’d had. And he was learning French and magic and things about the country and his brothers, but he needed that stuff. It wasn’t anything he had an interest in.

“Oliver?”

He snapped his attention back to Quentin. “Sorry, I just realized how excited you get about things, and I don’t have that.”

“You haven’t been free for that long. No one is expecting you to suddenly develop a hobby or an interest you want to pursue. Besides, between sex, magic, and conjugating irregular French verbs, that should be enough for anyone.”

“For the moment.” He gave a small shrug. “How will I be able to tell when it’s not?”

“Because you’ll no longer be thinking about them all the time, so you’ll have room for something else. Or you’ll find something else that you want to make room for.” He tapped Oliver’s foot. “Do you want to do this, or are you looking for a polite out?”

“I want to do this. I need to understand myself a little better.” To feel as though he knew what he was doing instead of second-guessing everything.

“Okay then. Close your eyes.”

“And relax.” Oliver leaned back and exhaled.