Playboy For Hire

16. Quinn

16

QUINN

D ays later, I still felt terrible. I felt like a fool for liking Ryder—for loving him. For thinking he might ever return the feeling.

I’d been so stupid to fall so fast. To be so idealistic. To think that suddenly, out of nowhere, I’d get the happy ending I’d done nothing to deserve.

But life goes on. Heartbroken though I was, I still had to get up and go to work. Put in eight hours, pay attention in interminable meetings, respond to hundreds of emails, and pretend to care about any of the cases I was working on. It all seemed so inconsequential, so monumentally pointless, compared to the hurt in my heart.

When I got off work, I went home and sank into a fugue state before I had to get up and do it all over again. At least in my apartment, I was alone, and didn’t have to put on a happy face. At least alone, I didn’t have to worry about someone seeing me cry.

Which I hated. Why the hell did I want to cry when I thought about Ryder? Surely he wasn’t crying over me. He’d never cared enough to bother. He was just a good actor, nothing more.

I was still stewing about this when my doorbell rang on the Thursday after everything fell apart. I ignored it, sinking deeper into the couch cushions. My fingers were stained Dorito-orange, and my head throbbed from lack of water and sleep and food that didn’t come out of a crinkly package. The bell rang again. And again. And again.

I screamed into a cushion in frustration, though it didn’t help anything. The noise wouldn’t go away. Finally, I stood up and walked over to the intercom, ready to chew out whoever it was who wanted to talk to me so badly.

For a brief moment, I entertained the thought that it could be Ryder, coming here to tell me it was all a mistake, that he was in love with me and took it all back. He’d be down there on the street, and it would be raining, and his hair would be all slicked to the sides of his face, and he’d be begging for forgiveness as I flew down the stairs and flung myself into his arms.

I punched the intercom button. “Hello?”

“Quinn, finally! Jesus, that took long enough.”

It was Jae-won.

My heart sank, and I berated myself for being even more of a fool. Ryder had told me it was over. Who was I to think a twenty-two-year-old was going to rush over here and declare his love for a nerd with a weird face who had to hire a fake boyfriend? It wasn’t even raining. It was a disgustingly golden April evening.

“What do you want?” I said into the intercom.

“For you to stop avoiding me. You haven’t returned any of my messages. You won’t answer my calls. And you flaked out on meeting up last night. I’m glad you’re not dead, but now that you’ve confirmed that, will you let me up so I can yell at you?”

“You flake on hanging out all the time,” I said, feeling tired and about a million years old. “Look, can we just…not? I don’t have the energy for this right now.”

“Then let me up, bro. Because I’m not going to stop ringing your bell until you do.”

I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood for a talk, but I really didn’t want to listen to my damn doorbell anymore, and Jae was a man of his word. So I buzzed him in, then unlocked my front door and walked to the bathroom. I took some aspirin and a big gulp of water, and when I came back to the living room, Jae had let himself in.

“Dude, we need to talk,” he said, giving me a level look.

I shuddered at the repeat of what Ryder had said. “Can’t we just sit here in silence and skip the lecture?”

I wandered over to the couch and sat back down, hugging a cushion to my chest. Jae didn’t sit. He stood in front of me, hands on his hips.

“You mean can I let you crawl back into your depression cave and pretend it’s normal for you to have five empty bags of chips and I don’t want to count how many empty bottles of Mountain Dew scattered around you? Doesn’t that shit lower your sperm count?”

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll be keeping my sperm to myself for the rest of time.”

“Okay, that? Right there? That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. I’m worried about you, man. What’s up? What’s wrong?”

“I’m a hollowed-out husk of a person who’s too tired to explain it to you.”

He reached out and flicked my arm with his thumb and index finger. “Try again.”

“I’m an idiot who thought things might actually work out for a change, forgetting that I’m cursed to wither and die alone?”

That earned me another flick.

“Ow. That hurts.”

“Tell me what’s wrong without the melodramatic pronouncements, and maybe I’ll stop.”

I closed my eyes. Somehow it was easier to say it when I didn’t have to look at him.

“Ryder dumped me. We weren’t even together, but somehow, he still managed to dump me. And now everything sucks.” I looked back up at Jae-won. “You can tell me you told me so now.”

“I would, but there’s no fun in it when you look like this.” He sat down on the edge of my coffee table and gave me a small smile. “Come on, tell me what happened. I want all the details.”

So I did. I told him everything, leaving no stone unturned, no scrap of my dignity unshredded.

“I just feel like an idiot,” I said when I finished. “I should have known better. I did know better. But I let myself get hurt anyway.”

“I’m really sorry, Quinn. That sucks.”

I looked at Jae suspiciously. “You’re being weirdly understanding. I don’t like it. Please tell me you told me so, so that we can right the balance of the world.”

He laughed. “I won’t say that. But I will suggest that maybe you’re better off without him. I mean, could you really be in a long-term relationship with someone who has his job?”

“I was willing to give it a shot,” I said. “I thought we had something. But I guess I was wrong.”

“I have an idea,” Jae said, standing up. “Let’s go out and find some other guys to flirt with to help you get over him.”

“That’s literally the last thing on earth I want to do.”

“Yeah, but it’ll help anyway. And lucky for you, you’ve got me to force you out of your comfort zone.”

“Or you could go by yourself, and leave me to merge into the couch and grow a nice little layer of moss.”

“That is exactly why you need to get out of here. Now stand up and get your shoes. No more excuses.”

Which is how I found myself standing outside of Bart’s Basement, my mouth feeling fuzzy and my socks mismatched because Jae wouldn’t give me enough time to get ready before pushing me out the door.

“Trivia night?” I looked at him doubtfully.

“Yeah. It’ll give that big brain of yours something to think about that isn’t how sad you are.”

“I’m terrible at trivia. It’ll just make me more sad.”

“But it’ll be a different sad, and that’s important. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

He tugged me to the front door. I followed him inside, my senses assaulted by the smell of burgers, beer, and too many people crammed into a small space.

“I don’t think there are any open seats,” I told Jae.

“We’re not giving up that easy,” he said. “Let’s go check in the back.”

He began to work his way through the crowd, and I had no choice but to wiggle my way after him. People were clustered around the bar two-deep, and every table we passed was filled. Jae rounded a corner. I followed, then stopped dead.

There was a table right in front of us, filled with a group of twenty-somethings who all looked like they’d just gotten off work. At the end closest to us sat Ryder—and he was kissing a woman.

The sight hit me like a horse kick to the chest. I gasped, but the sound was swallowed up by the crowd. I shook my head, closed my eyes, and opened them again. Ryder was still there. He wasn’t kissing the woman any longer, but he was reaching across the table, holding her hand.

“Fuck. I have to go.”

I said it more to myself than to Jae, and turned to walk back the way we’d come.

“Hey, where are you going? Hey, Quinn, wait.”

I looked at Jae to tell him to be quiet, but it was too late. Ryder had heard my name, and his eyes locked onto mine.

I turned and began walking away again, quicker this time.

“Quinn, wait.” This time it was Ryder who said it. I ignored him and kept pressing through the crowd, but I didn’t make it far before he caught up with me.

“What are you doing here?” he asked when he reached me.

I didn’t want to talk to him. Didn’t even want to see him. Not now that I was going to carry the image of Ryder kissing that woman for the rest of my life.

“Leaving,” I said curtly. “Don’t let me interrupt your date.”

I spun around, but Ryder grabbed my arm.

“Seriously, what are you doing here?” he asked, his voice heated.

“I’m seriously leaving.”

“I said we should get some space, but you followed me here?” He gave me a baffled look.

“What? You think I—” I broke off, shaking my head. “God, you really have a low opinion of me if you think I would stalk you. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

Ryder blinked. “You didn’t know I would be here? “

“No, Ryder, I didn’t. It might shock you to learn, but you are not the center of the universe. My friend Jae-won suggested trivia and I thought it sounded fun.”

It hadn’t actually sounded fun at all, but I wasn’t going to admit that it sounded better than sitting around moping over Ryder.

He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I just assumed.”

“Spare me your apologies. You don’t owe me anything. You made it quite clear how you feel about me. And now I can see why.”

I nodded at the girl he’d left behind, who was watching us, along with everyone else at her table.

“Quinn, come on.” Ryder stepped closer. “It’s not personal. It’s a work thing.”

“Kissing her is a work thing?”

“Literally yes. It’s part of the deal. Remember, I offered to kiss you too, the first time we went out.”

“And I told you you didn’t have to.”

“Well, some people want different things. I’ve been working with Tessa for months now. It would be weird if people never saw her boyfriend kiss her.”

“So you are dating her.”

“It’s just a role I’m playing,” he hissed, “Jesus, do you want me to put air quotes around it? This conversation already looks weird enough to everyone who’s watching.”

“Don’t do me any favors. Go back to her if you’re so concerned.”

“I am concerned, but I’m also concerned about you.”

I looked at him for a long moment. “I told you that you didn’t have to kiss me, that first night.”

“Yeah. But I—I thought you needed it.”

“You said you couldn’t stop thinking about it after.” I was angry, and on the verge of tears at the same time.

Ryder flushed. “Yeah, well. I guess I couldn’t.”

“But now you don’t want to see me anymore.” I shook my head. “How am I supposed to believe anything you say? How do I know you’re not also kissing her because you want to? How do I know you weren’t with her this whole time?”

“Quinn, come on. Don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like what?” I laughed bitterly. “I guess it doesn’t matter, since you and I aren’t together and never were.”

Ryder looked pained, and opened his mouth to speak.

“Just save it,” I told him. “I don’t want to hear any more excuses. You lie for a living. Why should I be surprised you lied to me?”

“Jesus, can’t you believe me for once? There is more to this job than lying.”

“Yeah, you also fuck people, and then fuck them over.”

“That has nothing to do with—Quinn, what we did—” Ryder stopped and took a deep breath. “What happened with you and me was not part of the job. We’re explicitly forbidden from dating clients, and I have to say, after the way you’ve been acting, I can see why.”

“Your job,” I said, exasperated. “Your great, glorious, wonderful job. You were upset when your advisor said you should work in sales. How is this job any different? You’re just selling yourself.”

“And you’re the person who told me those were all real jobs. So how come this one isn’t?” He looked aggrieved. “Look, you knew this was what I did for a living from the moment we met. And it’s literally the only thing I have—”

“Only thing,” I scoffed. “The only thing. Ryder, you could get any job you wanted if you actually tried.”

“Well, maybe I like the one I have. I shouldn’t have to defend myself to you. We’re not—” he broke off, then tried again. “We’re not even—”

“We’re not anything,” I finished for him. “Yeah. You can stop reminding me.”

“Quinn, it’s not you.” Ryder’s eyes looked hurt, which made no sense. I was the one who got to be in pain right now, not him. “Just, trust me. It’s better this way.”

“Right. Trust you. Because you’ve made that so easy.”

He opened his mouth to respond, then closed it without saying anything. His eyes held mine for a long moment. “I’m sorry,” he said finally.

“Yeah. So am I. I’m sorry I ever thought we could be something. I’m sorry I thought you were someone different. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realize who you really are.”

I turned and left the bar.