Playboy For Hire

17. Ryder

17

RYDER

I stared at Quinn as he left, followed by his friend. At least, I assumed the guy was just a friend. God, Quinn wouldn’t have moved on that fast, would he?

Had he really come here by accident? The more I thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. Because how would Quinn know I would be here? I’d mentioned Tessa to him before, but I didn’t think I’d ever brought up where we went for trivia.

It still felt weird for him to show up here. Like he’d walked in on me taking a shower—not an inherently unpleasant event, depending on how things progressed.

But they hadn’t exactly progressed nicely, and now I felt sad and guilty and vulnerable all over again. Not that those feelings had ever really gone away, since the morning Quinn had walked out my door.

With a sigh, I turned and rejoined Tessa and her coworkers at the table. Some of them stared at me with curiosity, but no one said anything, except for Tessa.

“You alright?” she asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Just forget it. It’s nothing.”

The problem was, I couldn’t forget it. I kept running over the conversation in my mind, drumming my fingers on the table, bouncing my leg underneath it. Questions for the fourth round kept coming, but I couldn’t pay attention to any of them, and when the round was over, Tessa leaned over the table.

“Okay, come on. Get up.”

She stood and took my hand, pulling me out of my chair.

At the other end of the table, someone wolf-whistled, and a guy named Nathan called out, “You guys going to get a room?”

Tessa rolled her eyes and pulled me through the crowd.

“Where are we going?” I asked as she tugged me past the bar.

“Out.”

“There are still four more rounds. And you left your purse.”

“I said out , not home .” She pushed me up the stairs that led to the front door. “Now get up there.”

I was a little nervous, pushing open the door to the street, that Quinn might still be there. What would I say if he were? I didn’t want to see him again—didn’t want to see the pain on his face, didn’t want to have to end things a third time. But I also desperately wanted to see him, to drink him in, to wrap my arms around him and never let him go.

But Quinn wasn’t there. The sidewalk was empty except for a guy in a suit, his tie loose and shirt untucked, walking past with an unsteady gait.

“Alright,” Tessa said once she joined me outside. “Now tell me what that conversation was about, the one with…Quinn, did you say his name was?”

I shivered at the sound of his name on someone else’s lips. It felt like she was reading my mind, though she’d obviously just heard it when I called it out in the bar.

“It’s nothing,” I said.

“It’s clearly not nothing, because you’ve been practically vibrating since he left. Whatever that conversation was about, it didn’t look like either one of you enjoyed it. And I’m supposed to be your girlfriend. You’re supposed to talk to me when you’re upset.” She snorted. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say I just witnessed a breakup between you and that guy.”

I just looked at her, not sure what to say. Her eyes went wide.

“Wait, is that what just happened? Seriously?”

“It’s…” I began, before trailing off. I didn’t even know where to start, or how to explain any of this. “It’s complicated.”

I was saying that a lot, lately.

“Whoa.” Tessa shook her head. “I didn’t know you liked guys.”

“I didn’t know I did either, until recently.”

“And you guys were what? Dating? Hooking up? Looking at real estate listings together?”

I laughed humorlessly. “I don’t even know what we were. But it’s over.”

I felt like crying. How pathetic was that? Standing out here on a public sidewalk, tearing up, talking to my fake girlfriend about my ex-fake-boyfriend. I needed to get a grip.

I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was going to come here tonight. Let’s go back inside. My personal life shouldn’t get in the way of your evening.”

“I don’t mind. I wanted to make sure you really were okay.”

“That’s very sweet of you, but I’m fine.”

She gave me a searching look. “I know part of our relationship is transactional, but I do actually care about you.” She gave my hand a squeeze.

I shook my head. “Don’t do that. Don’t be nice to me or you’ll turn me into a crying baby.”

“Maybe that’s what you need right now. It sounds like this guy was really important to you.”

“He wasn’t supposed to be.” I looked at her helplessly. “I just wanted to be his friend. But then one thing led to another and…” I left it hanging, not sure how to finish.

“And what? He cheated on you? He stole all your money and social security number? He slandered your good name across town?”

“No, nothing like that. He just…” I blew out a long breath of air. “He likes me.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“Not right now, but later on, yeah.”

“Why later on? Do you not like him?”

“No, I love —I mean, I like him. A lot. I do. And that’s the problem.”

“Two guys like each other and this is some kind of tragedy?” She sounded incredulous. “This isn’t the nineteen-fifties. I think you’ll be okay.”

I flinched. The way she was saying it made me sound particularly stupid.

“There are still some people who think that’s a problem,” I said defensively.

“Yeah, but I fail to see why you do.”

“Because he’s not going to keep liking me, okay?” I exploded. “Because he’s smarter than me, and older than me, and has his whole fucking life together. He’s an actual adult. And I’m just…me. And once he realizes that, he’s going to realize he can do better. And then he won’t want to date me, won’t even want to talk to me anymore, and we won’t be able to go back to being friends, and I don’t think I can handle that.”

Tessa gaped at me. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah?” I looked at her, unsure of how to make her see. “Tessa, this always happens to me. Everyone I’ve seriously dated eventually realizes I’m actually kind of dumb, and that they can do better. And Quinn—” I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to hold back tears. “Quinn is so smart and talented and sweet and it doesn’t make sense why he’d even be interested in me in the first place, but it’s definitely not going to last.”

“But what happened? What did he do that made you end things?”

“Nothing. He’s great. He’s fucking perfect. But he can’t see what’s coming.”

“And you can?” She gave me an exasperated look. “Are you seriously telling me that you ended things with a perfectly good guy all because you think you can see the future and are afraid of getting hurt?”

“I don’t think, I know. ”

“Well, pardon me, Nostradamus, I guess I missed the part where you became an all-seeing psychic.”

“I’m not saying I’m psychic, I’m saying that based on past experience, I have a pretty good idea of how the future is going to go.”

“God, no wonder you’re worried he’s going to think you’re dumb. You’re so afraid of potentially getting hurt in the future that you’re guaranteeing you get hurt right now. How does that make any sense, Ryder?”

“I don’t—it doesn’t—” I broke off, frustrated. “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me. Because all I see right now is you making yourself, and this other guy, completely miserable because you’re afraid of a future hypothetical. How did he react when you told him all of this?”

I looked at my feet and didn’t answer.

Tessa stared in disbelief. “You didn’t even tell him any of this? You’re just making the decision unilaterally?”

“Most breakups are unilateral,” I said indignantly.

“I don’t care if they are, Ryder. This one doesn’t have to be.” She put her hands on her hips. “Life is all one big unknown. You might win the lottery tomorrow, or get hit by a bus. Or both. There is so little we can actually predict. All we can do is try to be happy in the here and now. But you’ve got a guy now who likes you, who you like, and you’re trying to ruin that for both of you because you’re scared?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds stupid.”

“That’s because it is.” She threw her hands up. “Is any of this getting through to you?”

“I hear what you’re saying. And I appreciate it. But you don’t actually know him. Or what we’re like together. Trust me on this one. I’m right.”

She pressed her lips together and shook her head, then said, “I really, really hope you’re not.”

“It doesn’t make any difference now. I’m not going to see him again. I pretty well took care of that.”

“And that makes you feel better?” She arched an eyebrow.

“It means I’m saving him and me more pain down the line. So yes. Kind of.”

“I gotta tell you, I think that’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. But I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really am.”

“Thanks,” I said dully.

“Wait a second.” Her eyes narrowed. “The last time you were moody at trivia night, you told me some story about Raf being mad at you because you’d ruined his date. Was that actually true?”

I winced. “Maybe only partially.”

“Did you ruin Quinn’s date?” She gave me a penetrating look.

“I might have. In retrospect, I never should have gone to see him that night. I was kidding myself, thinking I was just doing it as a friend.”

“Don’t you think maybe you should tell him all this?”

I shook my head. “No. It’s better this way. Trust me.”

“I don’t. But I guess I can’t change your mind.” She sighed. “On a selfish note, if you were going to have it out tonight, I kind of wish one of you had kissed the other, or thrown a drink or something.”

“What?” I looked up in surprise.

“You remember when you asked me why Martin kept staring at me?”

That felt like a lifetime ago. “Yeah. Why?

“I think he likes me.”

“Oh.” I blinked. “Shit. Want me to go play the protective boyfriend? Kiss you in front of everyone, then beat him up and steal his lunch money?”

Tessa laughed. “Oh my God, please don’t.”

“Okay. What do you want me to do about it then?”

“Nothing, actually. The thing is…I think I might like him too?”

My eyes went wide. “Oh, wow. That’s, um. Okay.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Didn’t you swear you would never date someone else in politics?”

“Yeah. I did.” She smiled sheepishly.

“So what is it about Martin that makes you change your mind?”

Tessa leaned back against the railing of the steps that led down to the bar. “It’s hard to explain. I mean, I’ve known him for ages. I always thought of him as a friend, because he was one of the few guys who never hit on me. To be honest, I thought he might be gay or ace or something. But it turns out he was married a while back, and got divorced a couple of years ago. And one day he asked me about how the dating scene had changed in the last few years, and we started talking and…” She broke off and grinned.

“I just kind of feel a vibe, you know? He wasn’t feeling up to dating for a while, but he said he’s always admired our relationship—you and me, I mean. And we started talking about what made a good relationship, what we wanted in a partner, and I feel like things clicked.”

She bit her lip. “There was this moment where I swear he almost kissed me. We were in the elevator and he reached over to press a button and I swear, we were this close.” She held her forefinger and thumb a hair’s breadth apart. “He texted me later that night to apologize and say that he really valued our friendship and would never want to jeopardize that. But it’s like, why apologize if he didn’t think he’d done something wrong, you know? I think he wants something more. And maybe I do too?”

She screwed up her face, clearly feeling awkward at having confessed this. I smiled. I was genuinely happy for her.

“Alright,” I said. “So I guess this means the end of things with you and me.”

I was a bit sad about that. I’d miss the steady income, but more importantly, I’d miss Tessa. I did like her, though not the way Quinn seemed to think I did.

She stared at me. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that!”

“I think Martin might find it strange if you wanted to have two boyfriends,” I said with a laugh. “I mean, maybe he’s more open-minded than I think, but still, for a new relationship…”

“Not like that, silly.” She swatted at me. “Yes, you and I would need to ‘break up,’ and I guess I wouldn’t need your services anymore. But I’d still like to be friends. We can be that, can’t we? I would miss you too much, otherwise.”

“Of course. I would miss you too.”

“Good.” She nodded. “I don’t even know if Martin really is interested. But I thought I might kind of give him some hints that things with you and me were maybe on the rocks, and see how he reacted?”

“Ah. Hence you wanting it to look like I have a secret male lover.”

She giggled. “Something like that. Us coming out here to have this conversation could possibly be construed as a fight, so that could be good.”

“Then we should go back inside, and I’ll do my best to look sullen and withdrawn. You can go talk to Martin and ignore me for a round or two. How about that?”

Tessa smiled. “You’re a really good guy, Ryder. You know that?

I thought about how I’d made Quinn feel. How I’d made myself feel. Thought about the mess that was my life.

“I don’t know if that’s true. But I’d like it to be.”

“Then you’ll just have to take my word for it.” Tessa pushed away from the railing. “Now come on. Let’s go inside and put on a show.”