Playboy For Hire

18. Quinn

18

QUINN

“ W hy are you so quiet today, honey?”

I looked over at Auntie Thea, sitting next to me in the waiting area of Hair Heaven. I’d driven her over to LeDroit Park for her monthly visit. I was currently sipping some flavorless complementary seltzer as we waited for her stylist to be free.

Thea had been flipping through a gardening magazine. I had a copy of People from three years ago on my lap, but I hadn’t even cracked the cover. I’d just been staring into space, replaying the night I’d seen Ryder at Bart’s Basement.

“Just thinking,” I said, forcing a smile.

“That face is more than just your thinking face.” She pointed at me with her magazine. “Come on, sweetheart. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I thought about lying some more, but what was the point? Thea knew me better than most of my family members. She would see right through it, and she wouldn’t stop badgering me until she got what she was after.

I sighed. “Oh, you know, just the regularly scheduled spring heartbreak. It’s been a few months, so I was due for another one.”

“What are you talking about?” Her eyes narrowed. “You didn’t tell me you were dating anyone. Are you keeping things from me?”

“No, no.” I waved my hand. “I wasn’t dating anyone. Or at least, I wasn’t at first. Then things got…I don’t even know. But it’s over now.”

“It sounds like I’ve got some news to catch up on. Tell me who this mysterious stranger is, and why you’ve never mentioned him before. I’ll pray to the Lord to open his heart, or to push him into a ditch. Whichever you prefer.” She grinned.

“The thing is, he’s not a mysterious stranger. You know him.”

Auntie Thea was quiet for a moment. Then her eyes went wide. “Not that young man from the agency. Ryder?”

I nodded regretfully, and she drew herself up straight.

“I will be sending them a letter of complaint. I thought there were rules they had to follow. For him to take advantage of you like this is unconscionable.”

A rush of frustration flooded me. I hated what had happened with Ryder, but I didn’t need my great-aunt to come to my rescue. I was an adult. I’d made my own choices. They might have been bad ones. Naive and hopeless ones. But I’d made them of my own accord.

“Please don’t,” I told her. “What happened with us—it wasn’t him breaking the rules. We sort of became friends, and then one thing led to another and…I mean, I’m sad, but he shouldn’t get in trouble for it. I made it happen as much as he did.”

It felt strange, defending Ryder, but it was true. I was just as responsible for starting things as he was. Ending things, though…

“So what happened between the two of you?” Thea asked.

“You’re asking for details?” I felt my cheeks heat.

“Get your mind out of the gutter.” She swiped at me with her magazine. “‘ Whatever is pure, think about such things .’ I’m a God-fearing woman. But I also want to know what happened to make you so sad. So you just tell me the parts you think I ought to know.”

I laughed helplessly. “I don’t even know what to say. It all happened so suddenly, but also gradually, somehow. I told myself I wasn’t going to get attached, but I did, and Ryder just—I guess he didn’t feel the same way.”

“Did he cheat on you? Because I’ll give him what for if he did.”

“What? No, no. He wanted to keep things casual. And I told him I was okay with that. But it turns out, I wasn’t.”

I leaned forward, putting my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. Auntie Thea patted my back gently.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow. “What, no lectures about falling for someone I knew was unavailable? About what else could I expect if I indulged in meaningless hookups?”

She rubbed my back. “You don’t need a lecture. You need love.”

Her words took me by surprise. I closed my eyes against a sudden rush of tears. “Yeah,” I mumbled into my hands. “Yeah, maybe.”

“You have so much love to give,” she continued. “And you’ll find the right man to give it to, I know you will.”

“I’m just so sick of picking the wrong ones.”

“I know, honey.”

She was sweet. But the fact was, she didn’t know. She didn’t know about Brandon, for one thing. No one did, except Ryder. I’d kept Brandon’s secret, no matter how hurt I was. And she might know about Ryder, but she didn’t know him. Not like I did. She didn’t know how great he was.

I just wished he felt the same.

“I still think I ought to call him up and give him a piece of my mind,” Thea said. “I got his number, you know, at Julie and Brandon’s brunch. I could tell him what I really think.”

“What? No, Auntie Thea, you can’t do that.”

“Why not? Any idiot can see you’re a catch, and that boy didn’t strike me as an idiot. Besides, someone needs to tell him he can’t be running around being careless with people’s hearts like this. It’ll only get him into trouble.”

“Please,” I said, absolutely mortified at the idea. “Whatever you do, don’t do that.” She just tutted, and I straightened and took her hands in mine. “Please, Auntie Thea, promise me you won’t do that.”

She sighed. “Alright. I promise I won’t call him and tell him what a cad he is for using you this way. If it makes you feel any better.”

“It does,” I said fervently. “I appreciate the thought. But really, I just want to move forward now. Not keep dwelling on the past.”

“Well, good. Because you deserve that.”

“Miss Thea?” said a voice a few feet away. We looked up to see Thea’s stylist, Sara. “I’m ready when you are.”

“You’ll be okay,” Thea said, patting my hand before following Sara to her station.

I smiled at her back, hoping to god she was right.

It was an incredibly pretty afternoon after I drove Auntie Thea’s car back to Swannvale and left her at her apartment. I decided to walk home. I was still annoyed the weather was being so lovely when I felt so shitty, but I figured I should at least try to appreciate the sunshine.

I turned the corner onto my street. If there were any justice in the world, it would have been raining non-stop since Ryder broke up with me. If there were any justice, I’d be walking in the middle of a thunderstorm right now, with cracks of lightning shooting—

“Hey, Quinn.”

I blinked, actually taking in my surroundings for the first time. I was ten feet away from my building, and Brandon was sitting on the front stoop.

“Brandon?” I stared in confusion.

He was wearing a suit, holding his cell phone in one hand and tapping his foot as if in impatience. But his features smoothed as I came closer, then softened into a smile.

“I’m so glad I ran into you,” he said, standing up.

“You’re sitting on my stoop. What did you think was going to happen?”

“Well, I didn’t know how long you’d be gone. I rang your buzzer a bunch, but you didn’t answer.”

I said nothing. I still couldn’t figure out why he was here. After a moment, he continued.

“Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, so I thought I’d wait a bit, see if you came back.”

I frowned. “Why didn’t you just text me? Or call?”

Brandon smiled and shrugged. “Can you blame me for wanting to see you in person? I miss you, Quinn. I really do.”

He was as handsome as ever, his shoulders practically bursting out of his suit, a three-day beard on his chin, his eyes dark and penetrating. I could see why I’d fallen for him.

But looking at him now, I felt nothing. It barely even hurt, which was wild. But I guess Ryder had taken care of that. I only had room for one heartbreak at a time.

“Why?” I asked. It came out flat, more an accusation than a question.

“Oh come on.” Brandon’s smile was playful. “I know you’ve got some self-esteem issues, but is it so hard to believe I could miss a guy I spent some amazing days with?” He walked forward, stopping right in front of me, and lowered his voice. “Some amazing nights too.”

“What?” I jumped backwards like I’d been shocked.

“Oh, don’t act so innocent,” he teased. “I know you liked them as much as I did.”

“Brandon, that’s—” I shook my head. “That’s a weird thing to say to someone, when you’re engaged to their cousin.”

“Engaged,” he agreed. “”But that doesn’t mean I’ve become a monk. Julie’s great. She’s going to be a wonderful mom, and a perfect wife. But I can’t help it if I have needs she can’t meet.” He glanced over his shoulder in both directions, then took my hand. “But you could.”

I felt sick to my stomach. I’d been devastated when Brandon ended things. Felt even worse when I found out he was dating Julie. And yeah, I’d wished for months that Brandon would change his mind, tell me he wanted me back.

But I’d never wanted it like this.

“No.” I pulled my hand free, stepping back again. “No, I can’t.”

“Oh, come on, Quinn. You can’t pretend with me. I already know you want me.”

“No.” Anger rose within me. “No, you don’t know that. You know I think you’re attractive. Physically. But not emotionally. In fact, the more I get to know the real you, the less I want you.”

“Quinn.” His tone was indulgent.

“No.” I stepped around him and hurried to the steps of my building. “Just, no, Brandon. I’m not interested.”

“Not even if I told you I was free right now? That I could come upstairs, right back in your bed, and make you—”

“Fuck off.” It came out louder than I’d meant it to, but I didn’t care. A wave of disgust rolled through me. “God, I used to fantasize about this, you know? I used to dream about you coming back and telling me you needed me.”

“And I do.”

“But I don’t .”

It was true. Over the past few months, I’d gone from mourning the loss of Brandon to having no real use for him anymore. Ryder had changed all that. And not just because I’d fallen for him.

Ryder had made me feel like I deserved better than being someone’s hidden hookup. Ryder had made me think I might actually be worth something. Even if he didn’t want me himself, he’d given me that gift. I wasn’t content with scraps of love anymore. I wanted the real thing.

“Look, if this is about Julie, she doesn’t have to know,” Brandon said. “That’s why I didn’t text you. As long as we keep things off my phone, it’ll be fine.”

“Forget Julie. Even if she weren’t in the picture, I wouldn’t want you because I don’t want to be your secret. I don’t want to be anyone’s secret, or second choice, or good-enough-for-now.”

“Quinn, come on. There are reasons I can’t come out.”

“And that’s fine. Whatever. It’s your life, live it how you want. But you’re not going to get me involved in any of it.”

“Quinn.”

“Just go, Brandon, okay? Just go and fucking leave me alone. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

He stared at me for a long moment, like he couldn’t quite believe what I was saying. Maybe he couldn’t. I had to admit, it was a big change. He was used to me begging him to stay.

Finally, he spoke. “So what does that mean for you and me?”

“It means we’re nothing. Which is what you always wanted people to think. So this time, at least, you’re not lying to people. We are nothing. We’re done.”

His eyes narrowed. “Are you going to tell Julie?”

I pressed my lips together and thought. My immediate reaction was to say yes, of course I would. She should know she was marrying someone who was willing to cheat on her. Who’d already cheated on someone else in the past.

But telling Julie would mean outing Brandon. And as shitty as he was acting right now, I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to do that.

I’d come out early, in middle school. To my family first, and then to friends. It had gone pretty smoothly for me. But I knew that even today, coming out could still hurt your career, your reputation, your whole life, depending on who you surrounded yourself with.

“Are you going to keep trying to cheat on her?” I asked, my voice cold.

“What? No.” Brandon shook his head. “I would never do that.”

“You’re here,” I pointed out.

“But only because you and I have history. I would never—” He broke off, exhaling sharply. “No. I love Julie. And I respect her. I want her to have a good life. I wouldn’t make a mockery out of our marriage.”

I wasn’t sure I believed him. But I realized I didn’t actually have anything concrete to show Julie, if I told her about Brandon and me. He’d never let me take any pictures of us, when we were together. He’d barely even used his cell phone to communicate with me. And he’d been careful not to use it today.

If I told Julie about us, would she even believe me? Or would she just think I was jealous and bitter and trying to break-up her engagement? She’d ask Brandon, I was sure, and he would lie, I was equally sure. Which one of us would she believe, when push came to shove? I might end up creating a rift in our family.

In the end, unless I had proof Brandon was actually sleeping with someone else right now, it wasn’t fair to ruin Julie’s happiness. But I would be watching him like a hawk, and I reserved the right to change my mind.

“I really hope you mean that,” I told him.

“I do.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry. Coming here was a mistake.”

“Yeah. It was.”

“I’ll go. I’m sorry, Quinn. I really am.”

I said nothing. I had no apologies to offer in return. I just stood there and watched him walk away, watched his body grow smaller and smaller until he reached the end of the block, turned, and disappeared.