four
NATHALIE
Sitting in my car, I gripped the wheel, turning my knuckles white as I stared ahead at the unmoving scenery around me. I’m glad I couldn’t find a parking spot closer to August’s apartment. I didn’t want to risk Marcel seeing this happen.
I didn’t want him to see me break down.
Muffling a sob and a groan, I let my head fall heavily onto the wheel with a thud. My shoulders started to shake with the effort to repress the cries itching to push out of me. Gods, he looked worse than I’ve ever seen him. The exhaustion was etched into every curve and groove of Marcel’s face. The pallor of his skin against the dark lines of magic threatening to break through was heartbreaking to see.
I felt like everything was weighing on me and I was crumbling beneath the pressure. I promised Marcel I’d find a cure for him, but I was no closer to that than when I started.
Now I got to add fucking Not- Sasha to my never-ending list. New Chicago took a lot to run, and god knows it would fall to shit if I didn’t do everything I did underground and behind the scenes.
Banging my fists against the wheel, I let out a strangled scream of frustration. It all felt like too much to carry sometimes.
“But who else could carry it?” Caretaker asked kindly. “Who else could bear it?”
I nodded to myself because truly, who else could? It wasn’t just that I had the money to make things happen. I had the resources, the knowledge, and my eidetic memory that never let me forget a single thing. I knew I was capable of more than the average person because of my memory loci. Multiple versions of myself existed, researched, had conversions, all at the same time. My blessing might also be a curse, but it was one that I bore for the greater of the whole.
Taking a shuddering, barely steadying breath, I leaned back against the headrest and closed my eyes, pushing down the tears once again. Working to calm myself, I finally turned the ignition on, a blast of hot air hitting my skin. Putting the car into reverse, I pulled out. The drive back to my place passed in a blur. Soon enough I was tramping through Se?ora Rosara’s shop, stepping around one of her cats that was peering up at me with creepily human emotion.
Turning the key in the lock, the weight of exhaustion practically dragged me down as I stumbled my way into my apartment. I pushed the door closed carefully considering the bomb still planted on it, courtesy of Piper. Immediately veering for the kitchen, tea on the brain, I couldn’t help the yawn that pulled out of me.
I was already struggling to sleep with everything that we’ve had to face. Lucifer. The Morrigan. Bree. Lorcan. The literal hell hole that opened up in New Chicago . . . I shook my head as I pulled out the loose-leaf jasmine tea mix. Hopefully it would calm my nerves and maybe allow me to get a couple of hours in before the anxiety nightmares started.
A few minutes later, I was swirling honey into a cup of jasmine tea, toast with brown spread over it sitting next to me. When I turned around holding a treat in each hand, my heart nearly leapt into my throat.
“Fuck, Lucifer,” I exclaimed, steadying my cup, glad my startling didn’t slosh its contents over the sides. Lucifer stood there, shirtless, leaning effortlessly against the fridge.
“The last time I heard you say that it was a lot breathier.” He looked away with a wistful, fond smile. “Maybe we can try to mimic that experience again.”
“Not likely.” I shot him a scowl, my heart still pounding as I scrambled for a way out of this conversation.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he said, a hint of amusement dancing in his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest and his biceps flexed in a way that really just did it for me, though I wished it wouldn’t.
For a moment, I forgot how to breathe properly. My eyes skimmed over the hard planes of his chest, across his arms, and down, down, down to the sharp Vee at his waist. Shaking it off, I forced myself to focus on his unearthly gorgeous face, ignoring the knowing smirk he wore.
“Why are you still here?” I set my food and tea on the counter and ran a hand through my hair, attempting to regain composure.
“Where else would I be?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow as if my question was just the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.
“You got what you wanted. You’re back. Don’t you have devil things to do?”
“I’m exactly where I should be,” he answered without hesitation. “As for ‘devil things’ . . .” He paused for a second before dragging his eyes over me lazily. “You look even more tired than usual.”
“You’re part of the reason I look like this,” I retorted, my voice a mix of weariness and irritation.
“Part, not whole.” He grinned in satisfaction, then looked at me with a more serious expression. “You’re under a lot of stress and not sleeping. You need to let your body rest, little witch.”
“I’ll sleep when the world isn’t falling apart,” I snapped. “ Again .”
He stepped closer, the air suddenly thick with his presence. “Fuck the world. You need to take care of yourself more.”
“Not all of us can be as selfish as you,” I mutter to myself, sidestepping him and moving toward the living room.
“Don’t start with me.”
“Can we not?”
“Can we not what exactly, little witch?”
“Can we not do this .” I motioned toward him with the hand holding my toast. “I’m tired. I’m cranky. And if you don’t leave me alone, I’m not responsible for the things I say.”
Lucifer chuckled. “Give me your anger. It may not taste as sweet as your lies, but I want it all the same.”
Internally, I felt a pang of betrayal mixed with a strong pull of attraction. I would love to relieve some stress with him. Damn, would I love it. But things didn’t feel the same anymore. After finding out he basically tricked me into fucking him back to life, I wasn’t in the mood for more games.
I was the idiot that fell for it once.
And as Piper would say, fool me once—shame on you. Fool me twice—eat lead.
“I like him,” Peace interjected, looking up from her latest smutty romance. “He’s refreshing.” She thumbed the page of her book, toying with the corner. “Lucifer doesn’t expect us to be perfect. He loves us as we are—even if it’s unconventional.”
“He’s not a stable variable in our lives,” Ann countered. “He’s unpredictable and utterly impulsive.”
“Not to mention manipulative,” The Warden chimed in.
Bad Nat cocked her head and crossed her arms. “And yet, the Prime still fell for him.”
“Fell. Past tense.”
Bad Nat snorted. “Save the lies for Lucifer. You’re not capable of moving on because of this memory of yours. Every moment exists in the present. There is no past. You fell for him, and you are still falling. You want to talk of blessings and curses? That’s the real one you’re afflicted with. You can’t let go.”
I shuddered.
The silence was damning.
The truth couldn’t hide.
But that didn’t mean I was going to address it right now. Shaking off their commentary, I focused back on Lucifer as I settled on the couch, sipping at my tea. “Circling back, why are you still here, Lucifer? Isn’t there literally anywhere else for you to be? I have a hard time believing you want to spend your second chance hanging out in my little apartment.”
His expression darkened briefly before he masked it with an easy smile. “I’ve lived all over this world. I’ve seen the great wonders. I’ve watched empires rise and fall. In truth, I find the world a bit boring after all this time,” he said. I swallowed hard on my toast. “But let’s not beat around the bush. You don’t really think I want to be anywhere else. You’re simply upset about being left out of the plan for my return.”
My anger spiked, running through my chest. “Gee, I wonder why being used would have that effect on me,” I replied caustically.
The muscles in his jaw tightened. “I didn’t use you.”
“Bullshit.”
“Okay, fine, in the strictest sense I used you. Answer me this, would you have done it if you knew it would bring me back? Would you have still fucked the devil knowing I’d no longer be your dirty little secret in the light of day?”
“I’m not doing this with you—” Lucifer disappeared and reappeared directly in front of me. He squatted down, putting us face to face. “How did you do that?”
“We’ll get to that. First, we’re going to address my question. You have a choice, little witch. Answer or kiss me.”
I leaned in close, the scent of blood and sex filling my nostrils. “Read my lips, devil. Fuck. Off.”
“So be it,” he murmured. Lucifer closed the gap between us. His mouth conquering my own. I stayed frozen for all of a second. That’s how long my willpower lasted.
Right as I gave in and softened to him, Lucifer pulled away. I chased him, too late to stop myself. He smirked like the devil he was. “Now, let’s try this again. Would you have helped me come back? The truth, Nathalie.”
I sighed, setting my toast and tea on the coffee table. “I don’t owe you anything now. Not until I ask you a question.”
“Oh, but you did. You asked me how I moved from the kitchen to here. To answer your question, I can travel between the veil and the living realm now.” That was handy. Also inconvenient because it meant he could still spy on me all he wanted. “Now, stop playing games?—”
“How dare you,” I snarled.
“Answer the fucking question, Nathalie. If you want me to fuck you, I will gladly take you on this couch and every other surface in your home, but for once, be honest with me. Be honest with yourself.” The darkness in his tone didn’t scare me, but it did make me pause.
All at once the exhaustion crashed down, leaving me tired. Just like with Marcel, I didn’t want to fight.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I hadn’t thought about it, so I’m not sure where I’d stand.”
Lucifer hummed. “If I asked you, either you’d tell me yes—in which case you were directly responsible for my return. Or you’d say no. And let me tell you a secret, Nathalie.” He leaned in close, our lips so close that they brushed just the tiniest bit as he spoke. “I never bought your lie that you wouldn’t bring me back because you didn’t want to play god, but if given the choice—when no one would get hurt—if you said no . . .” His eyes closed and when they reopened, they glowed with power. “To say I’d be angry is an understatement. I want you. I desire you. I would do anything for you. It may not be love in the traditional sense, but it’s as close to it as a demon can feel. I chose you. And whether you want to admit it or not, you chose me too, little witch. The day you took my blood you made your choice. That decision set us on this path, to which there is no return. So, I will be patient. I’ll take all parts of you that you won’t even give to the men you admittedly love—but eventually, I’m going to have the rest of you too. That is my purpose now.”
My breath stalled in my lungs.
“Why not simply say that and give me the choice? If you’d been honest with me?—”
“You weren’t ready to hear it. I still don’t know that you are, but my patience grows thin. I’m not a creature that is accustomed to hurting and when I do . . .” He looked away, the sharp planes of his face taking on a darker edge. “I care for you enough to want to be better and spare you my wrath.”
“Lucifer . . .” I sighed. Unable to help myself, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He grabbed me by the waist, pulling me into his embrace. “I wasn’t lying when I said I’m too tired to deal with this. I need time to process. To think things through.”
“We have nothing but time.”
“And with that,” I started, more cautious in my approach now that I understood where he was coming from. The way he’d gone about it might be screwed up, but the motivation was from a good place. For better or worse, I trusted that, and him. “I need space.”
“I don’t like that.”
Under different circumstances I would have chuckled. Instead, I pulled back to look him in the eyes. “I didn’t think you would. But if you really want me, then give me a second to catch my breath.”
“What exactly does ‘space’ look like? I’m not leaving this apartment unless you are too, so don’t ask it of me.”
“There are going to be ground rules.”
“Rules?” He repeated the word like it tasted bad. “I’ve never been a fan of confinements, little witch. You don’t cage a demon.”
“Be caged or sleep elsewhere.”
“Hard bargain.” He flashed me a seductive smile. “Tell me more.”
I hold up one finger. “First, you sleep in the guest room.”
“The guest room is for guests,” he responded with distaste. “Anyone who has had you in the positions I have is not a guest.”
“Second,” I said loudly, shooting him a glare as I held up a second finger, “you can’t follow me everywhere anymore. Even in the veil. I need to have my own privacy. The ability to choose what I share with you.”
He glared at me, and I stared right back, daring him to protest. “And what if something happens and I’m not there to stop it?”
I snorted. “You mean like you stopped ‘it’ all those times as a ghost?” I cocked an eyebrow.
“I couldn’t then. I can now.”
“Is this coming from a place of worrying about me or wanting to stalk me?”
The thread between us pulsed. Begrudgingly, Lucifer said, “Both.”
I shook my head, a smile threatening to bloom. “Time,” I repeated. “And space. That’s what I need right now. With Not-Sasha and Marcel’s ailing health, I have a lot on my mind, and I can’t just set that aside to deal with us .”
“Baggage hardly deserves your time,” Lucifer griped.
“Lucifer.”
“Fine, but only because it’s a matter of time before you want me back in your room and in your bed.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoffed, but the sound died in my throat as he kissed my forehead. It was oddly sweet and protective, not at all what I associated with Lucifer.
“Oh, I know I’m right,” he said as his breath fanned over my face. “What we share is not so easily ignored, little witch.”
And with those words, he retreated to the guest room. I sat there for a minute, my heart racing and sending pulses to places that were better left unexplored for now. Food forgotten, I drained my cup of tea and tossed my toast into the compost pale, then went to my room.
Centering myself, I slipped into the relief of my own internal thoughts. Instead of the peace and organization I was hoping for, entering my memory loci was like entering a war zone.
Inside, everything was in complete disarray, but I supposed I couldn’t be mad. My memory loci was a reflection of my scattered thoughts. All of the versions of me that existed were agitated, which just made things worse.
Peace was stubbornly refusing to leave the greenhouse, and she kept yelling insults at the others through the door. Meanwhile, Caretaker tried in vain to coax her out. The Warden and Bad Nat were engaged in their usual heated arguments. Ann was flipping through books like mad, tossing them aside when they didn’t have what she was looking for.
It appeared that whether it was inside or outside, I couldn’t find a moment of peace.
“We can’t rush into anything. Are you stupid or just insane?” The Warden insisted, her voice edged with anger. She was glaring harshly at Bad Nat.
“No, but you are if you think that we can just ignore this.” Bad Nat picked at her nail, the picture of indifference, and the nonchalance grated on The Warden’s nerves.
“We’re not equipped to handle another being with chaos magic, especially if we want even a slim chance of Sasha returning,” Ann called from across the library.
“Look,” Bad Nat snapped, her eyes flaring, “we can’t sit around waiting for Not-Sasha to do some damage. Everyone is acting like Prime doesn’t know who’s in the body. Meanwhile, she’s wasting time trying to convince herself it’s someone else.”
All eyes turned to me for a second and I gritted my teeth.
“We can’t be sure,” I said firmly, my eyes narrowed into slits. “I have no concrete evidence for anything. I’m literally just guessing, and the worst thing I can be right now is wrong.”
Bad Nat scoffed. “You know you’re right and you’re still sitting on it. Do you really want to let her get more power?”
“Yes, because I refuse to make a mistake because I rushed impulsively into something.” I stood my ground, holding my chin up firmly. “Sasha doesn’t deserve our mistakes.”
“Sasha doesn’t deserve our hesitation either.” Bad Nat rolled her eyes, but didn't argue further. “But whatever, you do that. I’ll be anywhere else but here.”
With that, she stormed off like a petulant child and dropped into to her favorite chair, slamming the heel of her boots on the table after she sat. I shook my head. “I swear. Sometimes . . .” I muttered, and Ann and The Warden knew exactly where my sentence ended.
“You’re right, Prime,” Ann said, pushing her glasses up her nose. “We need to be one hundred percent positive before we consider acting in any way.”
“Agreed.” The Warden nodded as she spoke.
“First things first, we need to shelve everything else and start sifting through our childhood memories,” I instructed. “There’s likely to be something there that would help. We’re looking for anyone we knew that had chaos magic, any conversation we overhead about chaos magic, and how they would have a connection to Lucifer,” I continued. “If we can just?—”
“What the hell is this?”
All three of us jumped at the sound of a smooth voice. No fucking way .
The three of us looked at each other in shock as the appearance rippled through the loci, drawing both Peace and Caretaker to turn away from the greenhouse. The only one that didn’t seem the least bit surprised and simply wore a sadistic little smile, was Bad Nat.
“Lucifer? What the fuck are you doing in my head?”