Prince: Love Always Wins

Lesha

3 Months Later

Nope! Nope!

As a matter of fact, HELL NO!

I don’t know how I always found myself in the worst situations, but this was a no-go. See, it wasn’t that I didn’t like kids. Kids were fine. My best friend, Tisa, had two beautiful children; she could drop my babies off with me at any time, and I would have the time of my life. Even after I dropped them off, I longed for a world where I could become a mom. Maybe be able to have my own, but these Andie’s? I had to laugh to keep from crying, thinking of the name my uncle Clark used to call bad kids when I was growing up in the South. He would have been looking around this after-school program and been pissed off. Hell, he may have swung on one of these lil’ muthafuckas. I was only on day twenty of the program, and they had already placed tacks in my seat, switched my damn coffee out with tea, and switched my eyelash glue with Elmers. I rubbed my temples as I sat at the desk looking at the twenty-plus demon ten to twelve-year-olds running through the classroom tearing everything up.

I had plain given up on making them behave. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t their fault that their parents hadn’t taught them a damn thing. For some of these kids, school and this after-school program were the only time they ate all day. I understood why programs like these were needed. What I didn’t understand was how the hell this was supposed to help me with my “anger issues.” If I had it my way, I would’ve just done the two weeks in the county. No, that’s a lie. I was way too fucking cute to be in anyone’s jail cell. That’s why I knew I had to make changes. What landed me in this predicament in the first place was popping a chick in the mouth that had been flapping her gums about my sister and I. That was one thing I for sure did not play about, but the scary hoe called the police and got me booked. Now here I was, working an after-school program with all these damn tyrants after agreeing to community service.

Only one more week, I chanted internally through closed lids.

“Oh no, ma’am! Not that one!” I shot out of my seat as soon as I opened my eyes. One of the known bullies in the class closed in on the quietest one. Samantha was the sweetest, but she also didn’t have much. She didn’t have to tell me. It showed from her tattered clothes and her ponytail hairstyle that had many strays. These kids were so different than I was. At ten, I was still rocking beads and braids. Not them. It was a lace-front city here. Queandra was the ringleader too. Her hair was always laid and she had a smart-ass mouth. Couldn’t even wash her ass good, but she had something to say about every other kid in the class. I was old enough to realize it was a defense mechanism, but she was going to have to back up off my Sammy girl. She was the only one of the kids I had bonded with. That may have been because she was the only one who had sense enough to sit the hell down.

“Leave me alone!” Samantha stood from her desk to stand up for herself, and I backed down momentarily. Queandra threw her hands on her little twelve-year-old hips, trying to mimic a grown woman.

“What you gone do?”

“No! Y’all will not be fighting in here!” Hell, they weren’t even paying me for this. I was missing out on money to be here. I was not about to play security. I tried to ignore it, but I had a heart. I wasn’t going to let it go too far. I went to approach them, and Sam shocked me when she threw the first punch and knocked Queandra on her ass. Sammy created a perfect storm of blows and rained down on Queandra before I could get between them. Not that I was rushing to do so. Oohs rang out from all over the classroom. I couldn’t separate them quickly enough and hit the call button for security. As soon as security walked in, I walked out. This couldn’t be it. I don’t know what other options I had for community service, but I was going to find out. There had to be something else I could do because these little hellions were going to be the death of me.

I marched directly into the director’s office. I opened the door without as much as a warning, and the flush red color on Ms. Donohue’s face told me she did not appreciate my presence. Well, that was just fine with me because I didn’t appreciate her ass, either. I could tell she was just here for the check and didn’t care about these students. She was giving out the bare minimum to keep her own pockets lined. All this damn program did was feed the kids and give them a warm place to stay off the block until seven p.m. There was no skill building and no structure. No wonder it was a complete shit show.

“Aleisha—"

“Look, Ms. Donohue.” I pinched the bridge of my nose to calm myself as her face deepened from beet red to crimson. She rose from her seat and smoothed down her flowered dress that could have doubled as a drape. No sense of style could be traced. She was a healthy woman with blond hair falling to the middle of her back. I was all for women's empowerment no matter the size, but I hated that she didn’t dress herself up more. She was a miserable woman. I flopped down in the chair, hoping to hold on to some semblance of decorum. I had to push to the back of my mind that she rubbed me the wrong way since the day I met her. I needed her help. “I can’t do this. These kids. I’m not qualified.” My words came out as choppy sentences.

“No one here is qualified outside of me. You only have another week. I’m sure you can make it,” she said smugly, and I wanted to knock the smirk right off her white ass face.

“Well, give me something else to do besides sitting in a classroom with a bunch of kids and nothing to entertain them with. Isn't there some programming here? The point is to keep kids off the street, but now that they are here, what the hell are we supposed to do with them? They should have something to focus on.”

“For someone who isn’t qualified you sure do have a lot of ideas.”

“Excuse me?” I sat up.

“Your assignment is your assignment. If you weren’t so busy spending your nights doing God knows what, maybe you could devise a lesson plan.”

I popped my head back and looked at this bitch like she was crazy. Maybe one of her male friends had the pleasure of seeing my brown ass and she couldn’t take it. Instead of being mad, she could ask me for tips. It hurt that I had to button my lips to this pompous ass bitch, but she had my freedom in her hands. As bad as this was, it wasn’t worse than jail. All I had to do was get through the next week, and I was going to be done with it, but I still wasn’t leaving this office without telling her how I felt.

“You know what. It’s a damn shame you're more worried about my ass than these kids. If you were nice enough, I could’ve shown you something. Then again you would probably be too damn lazy to take pleasure in it anyway.” I walked straight out not waiting for her to say another word. I couldn’t take it. The day I received that stamp on my community service papers, I was going to double back and go the hell off on this bitch just on principle. I stalked down the hallway, hearing my heels clack on the tile floors. I stopped and rested my head against the lockers. I checked my phone, and I got a text from Devin.

Don’t trip on that shit. You know I would have been there if I could have.

That was a situation I did not have the energy for in the current state. Instead of a smart reply, I just left him on read, determined to get through the last twenty minutes of my day. Seven was around the corner, and I was looking for that ass in the daytime with a flashlight.

“Alesha!” I took a deep breath when I heard that voice. Mrs. Ramos was cool as far as I knew. She didn’t say too much, but for the most part, she tried to help. When I turned around, even after the type of day I had, I put a smile on my face. Mrs. Ramos was just warm like that. She reminded me of one of those old church ladies who called you sweetie and baby all the time. Not the faking ones but those who meant what they said down to the core.

“Yes, ma’am?”

“Rough day baby?” She rested her hand on my shoulder, and I felt some weight lift off.

“I just don’t understand what’s going on. They put me in this class with over thirty kids and didn’t give me any guidance. I go into the office, and that bi—" I cut my words short. I was the type to say anything around anyone, but Mrs. Ramos was old enough to be someone’s grandmother.

“I know what you mean. These walls are so thin I overheard it all anyway. I was thinking maybe you need a change. Why don’t we switch classes? I think you would do better with the teenagers. Kids can be harder. So fickle.”

“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t see how that would help.”

“Most of them come and are self-sufficient. Either on their phones or trying to sneak off somewhere humpin' around.”

“What?” I squealed through a laugh. I hadn’t heard anybody call it humping in a long, long time.

“Girl yeah. One of the 14-year-olds is pregnant right now. It’s a shame. Babies are raising babies, but somebody gotta be here for them. As you can see, not too many around here care. It may have been a tragic situation that landed you here, but try to get some good out of it. These kids need somebody.” She shoved her keys in my hand and walked toward the class I first left.

Fourteen and pregnant? How the hell does that even happen? I mean, I knew exactly how it happened, but where the hell were her parents? Probably the same damn place mine were at that age. God knows where. It wasn’t the first- or last time parents were dropping the ball because I knew about it all too well. My sister and I were the product of an affair. My father was a minister from what I know and had kids all over the damn place with a woman committed to covering up his wrongdoings as much as he was. My mother ran after him stealing any moment she could even if it meant leaving us to our own devices to feign for ourselves. Everything happens for a reason because when it really became time for us to go through that path we knew how to navigate it expertly. It was sad, and a lot of the kids had to be going through the same thing, but now my ducks were just as fucking scattered as anyone else. While Mrs. Ramos was a person who saw the silver lining in everything, I wasn’t on the same wavelength.

I refused to go back to the clubs after this. I would never regret the paths that I had to go down to survive, but stripping did not come with a retirement plan. Once this stint was up I had to get a real job. My savings were depleted, and I couldn’t hide under a rock forever. Devin gave me money, and I couldn’t lie. It was much needed since my income had been zero since I started serving this community service. I wouldn't say I liked that feeling though. I wanted to depend on myself.

The bell sounded and the kids filed out of the room before I could walk in. They must have known I couldn’t take another thing. I had a tall glass of wine at my house with my name on it. My girls were coming over, and today, more than ever, I needed them.

***

“Ooh, see hell, nah! Them kids are bad as hell!” Nesha said as she sipped the red wine. Her taupe dress blended with the sectional couch she sat on in my living room. Satisa coughed, and tears rushed to my lips as she choked on her juice. She was over there fighting for her life like Nesha told the funniest joke while my arms were folded across my chest.

“I don’t see what’s so funny.”

“Don’t be like that, boo. I told you. You gotta stop fighting like that. Don’t worry about what these people say. Everywhere I go, they have always been jealous of you two. Even at the salon, I had to check them because they swear I always do y’all hair better,” Satisa, my best friend, finished. She earned that title quickly because she was the only one we felt comfortable allowing in our circle. She was more like a third sister.

“Who the fuck be saying that?”

“Right,” I chimed in behind Nesha’s inquiry.

“See there y’all go. That’s how you got in this situation.” I saw how quickly Nesha’s eyes cut away. She was there too when it all went down, but I wasn’t allowing her to go down with me. Not this time. She had altered her life enough, and as her big sister, the least I could do was take this one on my lonesome. Satisa felt the energy shift and tried to jump back in. “Next time, no matter what a bitch says, don’t throw the first punch, and it will just be self-defense. It’s only one more week, and the kids can’t be that bad.”

“Yes the hell they are!”

“Anyway!” Nesha stood in grand fashion crossing the room to grab the Sangria that we had chilling on the table. It looked more like a romantic setup than a girl's night. I couldn’t help it. I was a collector of fancy things. Dancing had afforded me a lot. This beautiful condo and all the relics inside. When my girls saw the Champagne holder chilled with ice, the fancy wine glasses, and the scented candles arranged across the beautiful centerpiece table they didn’t say anything. They knew that’s just how I was. I just had a knack for making things beautiful. Always had.

“You ready for this baby shower this weekend? Then we gotta get Benji together next week too” Nesha asked Satisa.

“More like ready to have this baby. I feel big as a house.” Her statement zipped my eyes to her protruding belly. Satisa was tiny. Don’t get me wrong, my girl packed a body, but she was otherwise considered slim and thick. Not like the country ass and wide hips my sister and I toted. Now, you could see her belly coming from the back or the front.

“Only a few more weeks. You are almost there,” Nesha chimed in.

“Dammit! This is what I’m talking about. I have to pee again.” Satisa tsked and scurried down my long hall. Nesha looked my way, and I deliberately avoided her gaze.

“You okay, sis’?” she whispered cautiously.

“I’m fine,” I replied quickly and ran away to busy myself in the kitchen refilling my wine glass. There was no time, and I had no interest in going there.

“I can’t wait for next weekend. Benji party gone be lit!” Nesha spoke as I settled back onto the couch, seeing that Satisa had returned.

“Do you realize you're talking about a thirteen-year-olds party, Nesha?” I asked, looking at Nesha like she had lost it.

“And what that mean? You know how it is with us. The kid's party just turns into an adult party once the kids go down. I been ready to run a good spades game with some drinks.” She quickly took a sip to cover her tracks. My sister was a horrible liar, and I wondered what she had up her sleeve. She changed the subject. “Chaz really been on his shit lately.”

“Well, that’s good. Prince is coming,” Satisa said, trying to play natural.

“I’m not sure what that means.” I flipped my hand.

“Umm hmm.” Satisa batted her eyelashes, and I rolled my eyes. Thanks to Nesha’s big mouth everyone thought Prince and I had something going on. It was just one kiss. A kiss that I lied about not being a willing participant in, but that was almost seven months ago. If a man wanted something he would say so. I spoke to him one other time at the wedding, and if he wasn’t worried about it, why would I? It was a drunken night and a harmless flirtation between two attractive people. Since then I hadn’t seen him around anywhere so in my mind his choice was clear.

“I'm actually thinking about doing something with Devin that weekend—after the party, of course. You know I’m going to be there for my baby.”

“What?” Nesha was the first to speak. I closed my eyes and readied myself.

“What the hell do you mean, Devin? Devin that’s been with that other bitch that he’s been parading all over IG?”

“Look I told you. You can’t believe everything you see. And what the fuck does it matter? It’s not like I’m stopping my life thinking he's some faithful nigga I can count on. Devin and I both know what we have.” The excuse sounded just as flimsy coming out of my mouth as it did coming out of his.

“You some type of damn fool! What the hell ? You that fucking desperate?” Nesha dug in.

“Fuck you talking about desperate when you running behind a nigga that cheat on yo ass every day with all types of bitches. At least I’m still out here trying while you little Ms. Faithful get mad. You really think Chaz is faithful?”

“Whoa! Now wait a minute!” Satisa stepped between us and I didn’t even realize the moment when we started standing toe to toe. “Y’all are sisters. Family. If anything is the problem it’s the men that y’all dealing with that don’t deserve you. You are beautiful, , and there is no way you deserve to be dealing with a man that is with someone else. And Nesha if Chaz isn’t doing what he needs to do, drop his ass, too. So stop the fighting. I love you two and y’all will find someone perfect for you.”

“That doesn’t happen for everybody,” Nesha added and plopped on the couch.

“Look I’m over it. I’m going to bed.” I wasn’t, but I had to get out of the room. Nesha had always been the type to speak her mind, and that was the reason I didn’t say anything sooner. It was no surprise how she would feel because she hated Devin ever since we moved away from home. She had her reasons, but he was just a soul tie for me. He was the only man who knew me before I traveled down this path, and letting him go meant letting go of a piece of my innocence. The only piece I had left. We had our bouts, and even earlier on I chose differently. We found our way back but, I wasn’t stopping my life for him. After he dropped the bombshell of the baby on me his visits had become less frequent. I dated other men. At least I tried to, but nothing had ever worked out in my favor, and I found myself always migrating back to him. I was tired of trying to jigsaw these niggas together when not one of them had shown they could meet all my needs. Devin would at least keep my body count low.

I went to my master bathroom and turned on the shower hoping to wash away my stressful ass day. Even standing in steaming hot water didn’t blanch my thoughts. After I finished, I pulled a towel, wrapped my body, and cleaned off the fog in the mirror. I looked around at embroidered fluffy towels and played with my Persian rug between my toes. Everything around me was supposed to bring me comfort but didn’t. It was so much I was running from, and every day, it felt like I was getting buried. What was next for me? I looked at my reflection, knowing that my past and an uncertain future were stifling the beauty I had. That’s why Devin was someone I had so much trouble letting go. Getting involved with someone new meant rehearsing the same tragic story over and over. I didn’t have the stomach for it.

Don’t do it.

I refused my inner voice and reached for my phone. I started scrolling through Instagram, looking at all the photos Devin had with the mother of his child. He was supposed to come out this weekend, but somehow, they moved the baby shower up to this weekend, so he had to cancel. How convenient. He kept telling me it was only for a show. These pictures didn’t look fake to me, and the baby in her stomach certainly didn’t.

“Sis’,” Nesha came in timidly. I don’t know what it was about seeing my sister. I could put on a strong face and pretend nothing bothered me with anyone else. With her, she blasted through all of that. She took a few strides toward me and I collapsed in her arms.

“I didn’t want none of this shit, sis’. None of it,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry I fucked up our life. I’m sorry I put us in this situation.”

“Ssh. No, you know what it is. We are in this for life, no matter what. I shouldn’t have said what I said about Devin. Don’t get me wrong, I hate his ass, and I can’t wait until you stop dealing with him, but if no one else understands, I do. Y’all have history.”

“There are so many things you want to do, Nesha. I feel like I ruined all that for both of us. One dumb ass decision.”

“And I’m going to do it. I took your advice. It’s been years, and it's time to put the past behind us.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ssh, hopefully I’ll have some good news soon but don’t you worry about that. Right now you just come here.” She hugged me tightly in her arms and I didn’t hold back. It had been months since I had a good cry and this one was definitely needed.