Quiet Longing (Quiet Love #2)

21.

Charli

When I returned home from my late walk on the beach, I went in search of Nuala, my feelings all over the place after bumping into Rhys. The way he’d looked at me, so full of careful concern, made my chest pang.

I couldn’t remember the last time a man had looked at me that way, like he was concerned for my wellbeing.

Sometime after our second year together, Jesse had only looked at me with paper thin tolerance and disdain. No matter how much I’d tried to impress him and win his approval, it had never been good enough. I’d been locked in a psychological prison, one he’d built around me. I’d felt like I’d needed him, like if I hadn’t had him, everything would have fallen apart.

But really, I’d fallen apart because of him. He had been the reason my life grew increasingly dark and isolated.

When I’d become upset and rejected over his lack of attention, he’d say I was overreacting, that I should consider speaking to my therapist about upping my medication. Never mind that I’d been depressed because of the way he’d treated me. I’d even made the mistake early on in our relationship of confiding in him about my birth mother, Nadine, and the circumstances of her death.

It had been one of the biggest mistakes I’d ever made because Jesse had no problem using the information against me. He’d say things like I was “losing my mind” or that I’d needed to get “my mental health checked out.” Little comments that had only functioned to increase my worry and anxiety. It had taken me a long time to realise he’d been using my worst fears to control me, keeping me in a constant state of paranoia.

“Is Nuala still about?” I asked Derek when I found him in the kitchen texting on his phone.

His eyes flicked up. “No, she left already. Something about packing for a weekend in Kilkenny with some of the teachers at her school.”

That was right. I vaguely remembered her mentioning she was going on a trip with a few of her coworkers. One of them, Martin, she’d just started dating, but it wasn’t very serious yet. Damn, so Nuala would be gone for the entire weekend, and I wouldn’t get the chance to grill her about Rhys. I was still a little mad she hadn’t at least mentioned the fact he was head of security at her father’s hotel.

“You okay, Charli?” Derek asked, putting his phone down to take me in. I was visibly flustered, my pulse still pounding after interacting with Rhys.

“I’m fine,” I said. “I just …”

“You weren’t expecting Rhys,” Derek finished as though reading my mind.

“No,” I said before blowing out a breath. “I wasn’t.”

“You two couldn’t keep your hands off each other that summer,” he went on, a hint of a smile curving his mouth. “Don’t think I don’t remember. Poor bastard was like a depressed puppy after you left.”

“He was?” My heart gave a single hard thump.

I’d been pretty depressed myself during that period. Missing Rhys had soured those first few weeks of college for me. I’d spent most of the time daydreaming about being back in Ireland, resting in the warm comfort of his arms. With all I’d been going through, learning the truth of my past, I’d needed him. Then I got angry, childishly resenting him for not keeping in touch. Thinking back on it, I’d been silly thinking our little emails could turn into a lasting relationship. We’d lived in different parts of the world. It never would’ve worked out even if he hadn’t stopped emailing.

I glanced at Derek. “Did Rhys ever … um, did he ever mention why he went radio silent that time when he first joined the legion? I just … I always wondered.”

“You should ask him about that. It’s not my place to say, but I know it was a dark time for him.”

A dark time? What did that mean?

“Speaking of which,” Derek said with a sigh, running a hand over his face. “It’s not been a great year for him so far, you know. Rhys broke up with his fiancée only a couple weeks ago.”

Hearing he’d had a fiancée had my chest seizing in a strange way. Oh man, was I jealous? I had to reprimand myself for being so ridiculous.

“Really? Why did they break up?” I was unable to disguise my curiosity.

Derek blew out another sigh. “Rhys says it was mutual, that they decided they weren’t compatible or some shite. I’ve a feeling there’s more to it, but he’s never been the sort to tell you outright what’s going on with him. You have to pull the feckin’ information out of him with a bloody pair of pliers.”

“Right,” I said, a long ago memory hitting me of Rhys avoiding discussing his asshole father and all the stuff with his mom. But I understood so much better now what he’d gone through, the fear, anxiety, and shame of others finding out the reality of his home life.

I’d lived through an eerily similar situation.

“I think I’ll go to bed. It was great seeing you, Derek.”

He nodded. “Don’t be a stranger, Charli.”

The next two days passed uneventfully. I spent my time unpacking and organising a few things before my first day at the hotel. I’d already had a couple phone calls with Maeve, who would be working alongside me in accounts, and she seemed super nice. By the time Monday rolled around, I hadn’t found time to figure out the public transport route to the hotel, so I hitched a ride into the city with Uncle Padraig.

I’d planned on finding a second hand car, and Aunt Jo had said I could drive for at least a year on my US licence before I had to go through the process of applying for an Irish permit. But all that could wait. I wasn’t in a big rush to start driving on the left hand side of the road anyway. It was going to take some easing into.

Padraig walked me to the accounts office, a spacious room with three desks and a large window overlooking the garden courtyard for guests. I’d be overseeing Maeve and another accountant named Barry, neither of whom had arrived yet.

I settled in at my own desk, unpacking a couple of the personal items I’d brought to make the place more my own, including a potted cactus plant and a framed picture of Mom and me, taken at her and her husband Michael’s house over Christmas. My divorce had just come through the week beforehand, and there was a new light in my eyes that hadn’t been there for years. The same light was there in Mom’s eyes, too, to finally have me free of Jesse’s iron grip.

It was almost time for my colleagues to arrive, so I paid a quick visit to the bathroom. On my way there, I spotted a door near the accounts office. Rhys’ name adorned the thin metal plaque, and my heartbeat picked up just seeing it. The urge to poke my head in and look around was strong, but I managed to keep the urge at bay. For all I knew, he was already in there.

In the bathroom, I stood in front of the full-length mirror to check my outfit. I’d chosen a plain white button-up shirt, a baby pink cardigan, pale grey cigarette pants, and flat brown shoes. It was the kind of ensemble I’d worn countless times during my professional career, but it felt a little constricting after my extended period of unemployment. I’d spent a lot of that time in PJs and slouchy loungewear.

When I returned to the office, a young man and woman were seated at the two previously vacant desks. Maeve stood immediately when she saw me, her hand outstretched.

“You must be Charli,” she beamed, her light brown hair in a neat bun. I judged her to be in her midtwenties.

“And you’re Maeve, right? It’s so great to finally meet you in person.”

“You, too! Oh, I just love your accent. So cool. This here is Barry.” She motioned to the young guy with the dark hair and glasses. He wore a shirt and tie with brown slacks. I got the impression he was a little shy because he only met my eyes briefly as we exchanged hellos. Maeve was busy showing me around and letting me know the usual day to day routine when a singsong voice called, “Good morning! I brought coffee!”

I turned and found a petite, gorgeous brunette standing in the doorway wearing a pencil skirt, silk shirt, and shiny black heels. Her long hair was fashioned in a sleek ponytail, and her eyes lit up when she saw me.

“Oh! You must be Jackson’s replacement. I completely forgot you were starting today.”

“Yes, hi, I’m Charli. It’s lovely to meet you, um…?”

“This is my work BFF, Stephanie,” Maeve introduced. “She runs the PR department upstairs.”

“But I come down here to see my bestie whenever I have a spare few minutes,” Stephanie added, and the two of them bumped hips. Well, their little friendship was certainly adorable.

“Here you go, my lovely,” Stephanie went on, handing Maeve a cup of fancy looking coffee with all sorts of cream and syrupy toppings. “Are you free for lunch? I was going to grab a salad here at the hotel. What do you think?”

“A salad sounds perfect,” Maeve replied. “I need to start working on my summer body early. Charli, would you like to join us?”

“Sure,” I said, since they seemed nice, and I had no plans yet.

“What about you, Barry?” Stephanie asked. “Will you join us ladies for lunch?”

“No, thanks. I brought a sandwich,” Barry replied, deadpan, and I almost chuckled. I got the feeling these two asked him to lunch all the time only to receive a firm no . Their bubbly energy evidently didn’t mesh with Barry’s quiet, reserved demeanour. I’d only just met him, but I pegged him for an introvert.

Stephanie left then, leaving a plume of heavenly smelling perfume in her wake, and Maeve, Barry, and I got to work. The accounts department wasn’t too dissimilar from the offices I’d worked at in the past, so it didn’t take too long for me to get my head around everything. Before I knew it, Stephanie was back, and I was being whisked away to lunch with her and Maeve. Barry cast me a glance like he didn’t envy me, and I began to wonder if their cheeriness grated after a while.

In my current newly divorced, starting over state, though, I could do with a little overdose of cheerfulness. Dining with Meave and Stephanie was also a good distraction from looking over my shoulder for Rhys all the time. I hadn’t seen him yet, which only made me more anxious to catch a glimpse.

The hotel’s restaurant was close to the lobby and looked busy when we entered. Luckily Stephanie was on good terms with one of the servers, who’d kept us a table.

I was busy digging into my sandwich when I realised Stephanie and Maeve were suddenly having a moment. They’d been happily chatting about work and the social media campaign that Stephanie was gearing up for when Maeve reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Stephanie’s.

“Real talk, though, hon, how are you holding up?” Maeve’s voice was gentle.

Stephanie blew out a breath, and a crack in her cheery facade broke through.

“I’m surviving, you know. It was all just so sudden.”

“What happened?” I asked quietly, hoping I wasn’t intruding.

Stephanie shook her head, her expression overwhelmed like she didn’t know where to start. “My partner and I broke up over Christmas. It’s been a rough few weeks.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry,” I said, taking a sip of water before I continued. “I’m in a similar boat. I’m recently divorced, though it was a long time coming, and I’m happy to be moving on. Still, break ups are always hard.”

“I just miss him so much,” she said, a thread of emotion in her voice like she might cry. “We were together for two whole years, were supposed to get married. It’s hard to move on from that.”

I pressed my lips together in sympathy. Poor Stephanie. The breakup was obviously taking its toll on her.

“Hey, you’re so strong, Steph. You’re going to get through this,” Maeve encouraged, and Stephanie nodded, sniffling and straightening up.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m depressing both of you with my sadness.”

“Not at all,” I told her. “As I said, I understand what you’re going through.”

“How long were you married?” she asked, finally looking at me fully, her eyes taking me in as though trying to decide something about me. I wasn’t sure what.

“Almost fifteen years,” I replied. “We met in college.”

“Goodness, you must’ve only been a baby when you tied the knot,” Maeve exclaimed.

“I was twenty,” I said. “And I was definitely too young to have made such a permanent decision, but I guess we can only see where we went wrong while looking back long after the mistakes are made.”

“You see,” Maeve said, looking to Stephanie. “This breakup might seem awful right now, but looking back, you’ll realise it was the right thing all along.”

Stephanie nodded quietly though she didn’t look very convinced, and I felt for her. It was scary being single after a long-term relationship. The fear of being alone was half the reason I’d stuck with Jesse for so many years, believing and hoping he might change.

The conversation turned to other topics, and I felt at ease. I liked both Stephanie and Maeve, and it felt good to have already made two new work friends.

Remembering I’d promised Mom I’d call and give her an update on how I was settling in, I made my excuses to the ladies before heading back towards the accounts office. I was almost there when I spotted two tall figures standing in the corridor. It was only as I drew closer that I realised it was Rhys and another man who looked a lot like him. Although the other guy was slimmer and an inch or two shorter.

I also noticed they were speaking in sign language, and a memory came back to me. During our few weeks together, Rhys had mentioned a cousin who was mute and that he’d learned sign language to be able to converse with him. Surely, this was the guy, especially considering the resemblance between them. What was his name again? Shane? Shay? Yes, that was it. Shay. Wow, I was impressed I could recall the detail.

Rhys wore a dark suit, and I grew flustered at the sight of him all professional and in work mode. I wasn’t exactly feeling confident enough to approach him, but I also knew if I tried to scoot by unnoticed, and he saw me, that would be far more embarrassing.

Catching his eye as I approached, I gave a little wave.

“Hi, Rhys,” I greeted politely then glanced at the man he’d been talking to, mustering some of the old sign language I’d learned when I’d worked with Jerry Devlin. He was my boss and had gone deaf from a hereditary condition, his hearing slowly worsening after several years. Many of us in the office had learned some basic sign language so the business could run smoothly. But he’d also been an incredible boss, and we were all happy to accommodate him.

And you must be Shay , I signed. I’m Charli. Rhys and I are old friends.

Rhys’ cousin blinked in surprise before he smiled at me, and wow, he was incredibly handsome. There was a warm, gentle look in his eyes that was so much like Rhys’.

Hi, Charli , he signed back, and then I was aware of a warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up at Rhys. He seemed surprised I’d remembered his cousin, and I felt embarrassed like I was some obsessive stalker who’d catalogued every little thing he’d told me that summer.

“When did you learn sign language?” Rhys asked, curious, the heat of his hand burning through the fabric of my cardigan before he lowered it.

“Oh, well, I only know a little. I had a boss who was deaf, so I learned some, but that was years ago.”

Shay signed something to Rhys, but I didn’t recognise what he’d said. Rhys turned back to me. “You used American Sign Language. It’s different from what Shay and I use.”

I gently slapped my forehead. “Right, you guys have Irish Sign Language.”

“Shay still caught your drift,” Rhys answered fondly. “He says it’s great to meet you.”

I glanced back at Shay. “It’s great to meet you, too. Do you work here as well?”

“Shay’s a member of my security team,” Rhys answered for him. “Speaking of which, you better get up to floor seventeen and deal with that incident.”

Shay nodded, shot me a parting smile then left. I brought my attention back to Rhys, raising an eyebrow. “What happened on floor seventeen?”

A faint smile tugged at his lips as he tapped the side of his nose. “That’s need to know only, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, come on. I work here now. Surely, I can be made privy to a little hotel gossip.”

Rhys exhaled, taking a moment to look me over. I was aware of his gaze travelling down my outfit, and I squirmed a little under his keen attention. “A group of twenty-somethings trashed one of the suites. I sent Shay to deal with the guy who booked the room. He’s arguing with one of the managers about clean-up charges, and having Shay there will discourage him from causing further drama.”

I gaped at him. “That’s awful. Does stuff like that happen often?”

“You’d be surprised. How’s your first day been so far?” His gaze trailed along the wavy ends of my hair then back to my face, and my skin warmed everywhere his eyes travelled.

“It’s been great. Barry and Maeve seem nice, and—”

Before I could finish the sentence, Rhys’s arm swept around my waist, and he pulled me inside his office. I caught a quick flash of two people walking towards us from the far end of the corridor—Stephanie and Maeve returning from lunch—before the door closed behind us. My breathing quickened as panic set in. The way he’d grabbed me awakened some kind of PTSD response because I was suddenly hyperventilating. My chest constricted with shortness of breath, like a rubber band was tightening around my lungs, squeezing tighter and tighter. I grew light headed, my vision spotty as I shoved away from Rhys and moved to the other side of the small office.

I couldn’t breathe .

There was a chair in front of his desk, and I sat down on it, pulling at the buttons on my shirt, feeling suffocated as I tried to get some air into my lungs. I wasn’t sure how many buttons I’d undone when I finally managed to regulate my breathing. Then, the silence in the room felt deafening as I lifted my gaze to Rhys. He was staring at me in alarm, standing stock still over by the door.

“Charli,” he spoke softly, quietly. “Are you okay?”

“W-why did you do that?” I demanded, willing my pulse to slow down. “Why did you g-grab me?”

His endlessly blue eyes stared at me, and I felt like crying. I’d been doing so well all day, meeting my new colleagues, making work friends. It had felt like progress, and now … Now I was a hyperventilating mess sweating though my shirt. I could see Rhys’ thoughts scrambling to make sense of my reaction. Panic set in once more as I feared him seeing too much of the truth, figuring stuff out about me.

I had to get a hold of myself.

This was only Rhys. He wouldn’t judge me. Knowing his past, I was pretty sure Rhys was the last person to ever think less of me because of what I’d been through. He motioned to the space in front of me. “Is it okay if I come over?”

I nodded, swallowing thickly. Rhys came and knelt before me while maintaining a little distance. His eyes caught mine, then flicked down a moment, and I suddenly realised my shirt was spread open, revealing the top of my silky white bra. Eyes flaring, I scrambled to redo the buttons, my skin heating at the flicker of interest in Rhys’ gaze when he looked, there and gone in an instant.

When I finished righting my appearance, Rhys turned his head back to me, his eyes searching. Oh, hell, I was going to have to explain myself. At least a little.

“I have panic attacks sometimes,” I said at last. “And I suffer from mild claustrophobia. Being pulled into a small room sort of activated it.”

Rhys’ dark eyebrows drew together, guilt in his expression as his gaze continued to hold mine. “I don’t remember you having panic attacks before.”

“I didn’t get them back then. It’s a more recent development.”

“I see,” Rhys said, nodding, his expression tense and probing.

Fearing he might ask more questions, I changed the subject by asking, “So, um, why did you pull me in here? Do you owe someone money or something?”

The joke fell flat as Rhys scratched at the faint stubble on his jaw, the rough scrape of it calming me for some reason. “No,” he answered, a faint smile tugging at his lips. “I don’t owe anyone money, Charli. I’m not sure if Nuala or any of the others mentioned it to you, but I recently broke up with my fiancée, and I just spotted her headed our way. She works here, and I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been trying to avoid a run in.”

My head swam as I comprehended what he’d just said. His fiancée was headed towards us …

Ah hell. Stephanie . Stephanie who I’d just listened to talking about how sad she was over her breakup. Pretty, cheery, gorgeous, raven-haired Stephanie. She was Rhys’ ex.

“You were engaged to Stephanie?” I blurted, and Rhys’ eyes flared in surprise.

“You’ve met her already?”

“I just had lunch with her. She and Maeve are, like, best friends or something. They invited me to eat with them.”

Rhys blew out a slow breath, still kneeling by the chair I sat in.

“Right, I forgot about Maeve.”

“She seems really nice,” I said. “I mean, they both do. I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you.”

Rhys frowned and finally rose from his position in front of me. “Don’t be sorry. It was for the best.”

His expression had gone blank, and I could no longer read him. It made me wonder if Derek was right about there being more to the story of their breakup than Rhys was willing to reveal.

Seeing the time on the clock that hung from his office wall, I realised I only had a few minutes left on my lunch break, and I still hadn’t called Mom. I was going to have to wait until I got home that evening instead.

Standing from the chair, I dusted myself off. “Anyway, I better be getting back.”

I moved towards the door when Rhys spoke, “Charli, wait.”

He closed the distance between us but again made sure not to crowd me. “Yes?”

He dipped his head down to me, and something fluttery claimed my chest. Rhys had always been tall, but now that he was a grown man filled out with muscle and brawn, it solicited a surprising reaction out of me. And I realised he was nothing like Jesse. They were the same height, but Jesse didn’t have Rhys’ bulk nor the kind, empathetic eyes that somehow felt like they could penetrate my soul. I’d been dead inside for a long time, hadn’t felt a stirring of attraction for the opposite sex in years, but right at that moment, I knew for certain I was attracted to Rhys. Still . It was hardly a surprise since I’d been infatuated with him once upon a time. I was struck with a sudden image of us shoving all the files and papers from his desk and him climbing over me …

Okay, get a hold of yourself, Charli. The man just broke up with his fiancée, for Christ’s sake.

“I’m sorry for grabbing you. I had no idea you suffered from panic attacks,” he said then paused, pressing his lips together as he seemed to consider his next words. “If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m available. I know it must be stressful moving here, starting a new job and everything, but you have a friend in me, okay?” He smiled then. “And I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”

“Sure,” I said, my chest fluttering at the unexpectedly kind offer. “I might take you up on that.”

Being alone with him stirred a bunch of feelings in me, feelings I wasn’t equipped to untangle or analyse as I turned and left his office.