Quiet Longing (Quiet Love #2)

22.

Charli

“Wait, so he just grabbed you and pulled you into his office?” Nuala asked as she sat across the booth from me in the busy restaurant. She looked entirely too intrigued by my story.

It was Friday, and we’d arranged to meet for lunch. Nuala was currently teaching five- and six-year-olds, which meant shorter workdays for her so she could come see me.

“Yes. He was trying to avoid his ex-fiancée, who I’d just met and had lunch with, completely unaware of their connection,” I replied with a grimace. “Rhys practically threw me into his office. I started hyperventilating because being grabbed is still very traumatic for me.” My voice was quiet, and Nuala’s eyes gentled.

“Oh, Charli,” she whispered, her lips forming a sad shape.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” I brushed away the momentary, bristling discomfort. “Rhys, being Rhys, was very kind and understanding about the whole thing. I’m just so embarrassed, though. I hate anyone seeing me like that.”

“Rhys would never judge you,” Nuala said softly.

“I know, I just … Anyway,” I went on, shrugging off the lingering embarrassment as I pointed a finger at her. “I have a bone to pick with you. Why didn’t you tell me Rhys worked for your father? It would’ve been nice to know I was going to be colleagues with the guy I lost my freaking virginity to.”

The server arrived with our coffees, a young, slim man in his early twenties. I could see he was holding back a grin.

Great, he’d overheard.

Thankfully, he set the drinks down and left swiftly. Nuala tore open two brown sugar sachets and poured them into her latte. Stirring them in with a spoon, she shot me a mildly guilty expression. “I know I should’ve said something, but I’d just gotten you back, Charli. You seemed overwhelmed with everything that was going on, and you were in such a delicate state after the divorce. I didn’t want to tell you anything that might turn you off coming to live here. It was selfish of me, and I’m sorry.”

Her wide brown doe eyes were so full of remorse that I couldn’t even be mad at her. I was curious, though.

“Why would me knowing I was going to see Rhys turn me off coming to Ireland?”

“Well, he was your first. You two were completely besotted with each other that summer. I distinctly remember a lot of sneaking off to have sex. You weren’t as discreet as you thought you were.” She shot me an amused look, and even as a thirty-four-year-old woman, I flushed. Had we been that transparent?

“But really,” Nuala continued. “I worried you wouldn’t want to be confronted with all those memories, not when you were still putting yourself back together after Jesse. I thought you might decide against moving here and stay with your mam in Boston instead. But I missed you like crazy, Charli. I wanted you back. You have no idea what it meant to me having you come stay that summer. I’d been so lonely and depressed with all the shitty teenage drama. I literally had no friends. Then you came along, and you had my back. You helped me regain my confidence, and then when I returned to school for my final year, I had Milly. I might never have become friends with her if you hadn’t been around, giving me the confidence to invite her to hang out with us. She introduced me to her friends, and I had a whole new group. I know it doesn’t seem very important in the grand scheme of things, but having supportive friends that year was everything to me. I could concentrate on my studies and getting into college without the stress of feeling like a friendless outcast.”

A wave of emotion rose as I rubbed at my chest. “I had no idea you felt that way.”

“Yes, well.” She looked a little chagrined after her heartfelt speech. “You gave me such an amazing experience that summer, and I hate myself for letting our friendship drift after you got married. I should’ve tried harder to keep in touch with you.”

“You did try, but I was like a cult member back then, determined to push everyone away. Jesse completely indoctrinated me.”

Nuala reached across the table to squeeze my hand. “I’m never letting it happen again. I love you so much, Charli, and whatever happens in your life from here on out, you’re stuck with me. I’ll never let us drift apart. When we’re old and grey and our future husbands have passed on, we’ll live together in a little house like Golden Girls .”

A sheen of tears filled my eyes, but I managed to suck them back, a hint of amusement tugging at my lips. “ Golden Girls . Right. I can totally see that for us. Although it’ll only be your husband who dies. I’m never getting married again.”

A flicker of surprise passed over her pretty features, followed by a hint of sadness. “Well, I guess I can understand why you wouldn’t want to, but never say never.”

“I think I can definitively say never in this case,” I replied. My resolve on the matter was rock solid. Never again would I allow myself to be chained to another person. After so many years with so little control over my life, my freedom was the most important thing. I wouldn’t give up a single grain of it so long as I lived.

“Tell me about Milly,” I said, needing a subject change. “Are you guys still friends?”

“We are,” Nuala replied, smiling. “She moved to the UK for work after she finished her degree, but we keep in touch over social media. I also visit her whenever I’m in London.”

“Nothing ever came of her and Derek? I always thought they’d end up together.”

Nuala sipped her latte and shook her head. “Sadly, no. I’m certain some stuff happened between them back when we were younger, but being that Derek’s my older brother, I don’t think she was ever comfortable talking to me about it. Whatever happened, it didn’t work out. Life goes on, I guess.”

“Yeah,” I said just as the server, who still appeared mildly amused by what he’d overheard earlier, returned with our food. We happily dug into our salads for a few minutes before I noticed Nuala studying me.

“So, you had lunch with Stephanie,” she said, the statement open ended and inviting me to say more.

“I did.” My stomach sank a little. Stephanie and Maeve had invited me to eat with them again, but I’d had to use my lunch breaks the last few days to sort out some employment and tax paperwork, so I couldn’t join them. Also, it felt off to befriend Stephanie knowing she was Rhys’ ex. I doubted she’d be comfortable having lunch with me if she knew our history. She was clearly still processing the breakup. I decided that I’d remain a cordial acquaintance and colleague instead of a work friend.

“And? What did you think of her?” Nuala went on.

“Why does my opinion matter? They aren’t together anymore so …” I trailed off, shrugging.

Nuala pressed her lips together. “Well, it’s just that Derek, Tristan, and I were discussing it, and we think something happened that Rhys isn’t saying. Like, one day they were engaged, and the next they weren’t. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Did Rhys say why they broke up?”

“He says it was mutual, that they just weren’t suited, but I don’t know. I feel like Stephanie did something. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always gotten along with her, but at the same time, I’ve never been crazy about her. She’d make these little comments about Rhys starting an elite security firm someday, becoming his own boss and making better money so they could build a life together. Rhys earns great money working for my dad, and I know he loves his job. Still, if he wanted to branch out on his own, we’d all support him, but I don’t think he did want that. I suspect it was all Stephanie’s idea.”

“Do you think that’s why they broke up? She was putting pressure on him to earn more money?”

“Could be, but you know what Rhys is like. He’s a vault. It’s so hard to gauge what’s going on with him.”

“Stephanie spoke about their breakup when we had lunch,” I revealed. “She seemed pretty cut up over the whole thing.”

“Oh God, I’m being a terrible gossip, aren’t I?” Nuala exclaimed, reprimanding herself. “It’s none of my business. I should just let it lie.”

“You care about Rhys,” I said. “He’s basically a part of your family. It makes sense you’d be concerned about what happened.”

“I suppose,” she said before casting me a curious glance. “What do you think of him now? He’s changed a lot, hasn’t he?”

“Well, sure. We’ve all changed. We’re not teenagers anymore.”

“Right, but Rhys is one of those boys who became such a man , you know.”

I shot her a funny look. “I’m not entirely sure what that means, Nuala.” I lifted my mug for a sip, focusing on the rich, strong coffee because I was lying. I knew exactly what she’d meant.

My cousin made a hand gesture as though searching for a better description. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into him or anything. Rhys has always been like a third brother to me. But I just mean, like, you know how there are guys these days whose preferences are so distorted by porn or whatever, and they want this airbrushed, unrealistic version of a woman?”

“I guess, though I’ll have to take your word for it. I haven’t been on a date in sixteen years. I have no idea what the typical guy is like these days.”

“Well, believe me. They’re out there. I once dated a man who said that this one slightly crooked tooth I have makes me less hot, and I should consider Invisalign.”

“Seriously?” I asked in disbelief. To me, Nuala was a goddess. There wasn’t one thing about her that wasn’t perfect. “That’s ridiculous.”

She nodded. “I know, right? But Rhys is the antithesis of guys like that. If you put on a few pounds, he’d just find you even sexier, or if you were self-conscious because you forgot to shave, he’d be all like, I don’t give a fuck; we’re still getting naked . He wouldn’t complain when you’re on your period. He’d make you a hot water bottle, feed you chocolate, and massage your feet instead. That sort of thing.”

I stiffened a little at that last part. Nuala couldn’t possibly have known, but Jesse had coerced me years ago to go on birth control to stop me having a period. He’d said he didn’t like to imagine me sitting around bleeding, that it made him feel “uncomfortable.” I hadn’t wanted to do it at the time since I’d always had manageable, relatively pain free periods, but like most things, I’d gone along with what he’d wanted in the end. I wasn’t on birth control anymore. It was another private little victory, the same way getting my hair cut had been. Besides, it wasn’t like I planned on having sex with anyone. Not for a long time. Possibly not ever.

“Charli, are you okay?”

“Huh? Yes, sorry, I’m fine. Just …” I drifted off, unsure how to explain. Nuala seemed to realise I was struggling with the topic for whatever reason and promptly changed it.

“Well, enough about Rhys. Let’s talk about you and I going on a girl’s holiday this summer. I’m thinking a Mediterranean resort where we can laze by the pool sipping cocktails and reading romance novels.”

I chuckled. “I think you just described my perfect vacation. You’re on.”

Nuala let out an excited chirp. “I’ll start researching the best spots.”

After lunch, Nuala walked me back to the hotel since she wanted to drop in and say hi to her dad. We were busy chatting about possible holiday locations as she strolled with me to the accounts office. The door to Rhys’ office was closed, so he was either in there working or in some other part of the hotel dealing with security stuff. I hadn’t seen a whole lot of him since our lunch encounter on Monday; however, I was constantly aware of the possibility that I might run into him. It created a low hum of anticipation and nervousness in my belly.

It was silly that he was taking up so much of my headspace, but it was also a welcome reprieve from all the other unpleasant things that normally plagued my mind.

We’d just reached the office when Nuala and I hugged before saying goodbye, and she headed off to see her father. I sat down at my desk when I became aware that someone was looking at me.

Then Maeve said, “Was that Nuala Balfe?”

I glanced up and shot her a polite smile. “It was. Do you know her?”

“No, but her father owns the hotel.” A pause as she eyed me in a new light. “How did you two meet?”

I grinned. “If I recall correctly, we initially bonded over our shared love of the Power Rangers, though we often argued since we both always wanted to be the pink one.” Maeve appeared a little confused, and I chuckled. “Nuala’s my cousin. I’ve known her basically my whole life.”

Maeve blinked as realisation dawned, and she let a small, awkward chuckle. “Ah, I see. I had no idea you were related to the Balfes.”

“Yes. And I’ll admit there may have been a smidge of nepotism involved in me getting this job, but I promise I’m very qualified. I was head accountant at my previous position for six years.”

“No, no, I would never think you weren’t qualified. Having worked with you all week, it’s obvious you’re highly capable. It’s just, well …” She frowned.

“Maeve?”

Her eyes flicked to mine. “You might not know this, but Stephanie’s ex is very close with the Balfes. He works here, too, so you might have run into him already.”

I feigned ignorance, mainly because I didn’t want Maeve to think I knew Stephanie was Rhys’ ex and still allowed her to vent about the breakup during lunch without being up front about it. “Oh?”

“It’s Rhys Doyle. He’s head of security here.”

“Right,” I said, nodding soberly. “I do know Rhys. He’s often at my aunt and uncle’s house.” I left out the part that I was currently residing there.

“Stephanie used to go with him for dinner there sometimes. She’s really cut up about not having those dinners anymore. It’s like she’s lost friends as well as a partner, but then again, the Balfes were always Rhys’ friends, so it makes sense they’d side with him.”

“It’s tough having to divide everything up when a relationship ends,” I nodded in understanding.

Memories of hastily packing away my things in mine and Jesse’s apartment hit me. There was so much I’d had to leave behind, but I hadn’t wanted most of it anyway. It was all associated with the terror I’d endured. The only thing it really hurt not being able to bring with me was my grandmother’s Lladró collection that she’d left to me after she’d died.

When I was young, I wasn’t very interested in a bunch of fancy old ornaments. Then, as my marriage to Jesse had grown lonelier and darker, I’d found solace in those figurines, each one telling a story. The little girl selling flowers, the woman holding her child, the boy playing the flute. I’d started purchasing more, adding to the collection. It was the one thing in my life I’d had for myself since Jesse wouldn’t allow any pets in the apartment even though I’d really wanted a Maine coon.

My neighbour had one when I was little. I’d been obsessed with having one of those large fluffy cats all my own someday, but it wasn’t to be.

“Maybe since you’re her cousin, you could mention to Nuala how Stephanie feels pushed out,” Maeve said, drawing me from my thoughts. “She doesn’t want to lose their friendship just because she and Rhys are no longer together.”

“Ah, I’m not sure if—”

“Please,” Maeve interjected. “I know it would mean so much to Steph. You have no idea how down she’s been.”

“Really, Maeve, it wouldn’t be my place to get involved,” I tried to hold firm. No part of me wanted to interfere in the aftermath of Rhys’ breakup, especially not since I had my own aftermath to deal with.

“There’s no rush,” Maeve insisted. “I understand it might be awkward, but if you and Nuala are hanging out, and the right opportunity arises, maybe you could casually mention Steph? No pressure, though.”

God, I really didn’t want to do it, but her pleading for her friend tugged at my heartstrings. I was a sucker for close female friendships since I’d lost touch with Gwyn and Lydia not long after I’d cut off contact with Nuala. It was something that was gravely missing from my life. So, even though a weird part of me was jealous of the woman who’d been engaged to Rhys, who got to have him for two whole years when I’d only had a paltry few weeks, I nodded. “Sure, I’ll try to mention it to Nuala, and see what she says.”

Maeve beamed. “Thanks so much, Charli. I know it’ll mean the world to Steph.”

I’d just finished work and was packing up my things when I received a text from Aunt Jo letting me know everyone was coming over for dinner at seven. The text reminded me of the promise I’d made to Maeve and how Stephanie missed being invited to dinner at my aunt and uncle’s house. My stomach twisted because I didn’t want to be a go-between. I felt uncomfortable getting involved in any way.

My thoughts were a tangled mess as I left the hotel to walk in the direction of the train station. I was still in the hotel parking lot when a car horn honked. It came from a dark silver SUV parked a few spots away. Rhys sat in the driver’s seat, a soft smile touching his lips when I met his gaze. There was something very distracting about the way he looked behind the wheel, his posture relaxed and confident.

He rolled down the window and stuck his head out. “Need a lift?”

I began walking towards his car, aware of his eyes scanning me as I approached. I tugged my long coat around me, shivering, but not from the cold. How did his attention still affect me so much even after all these years?

Rhys emerged from the car as he went around to open the passenger side door, and I was suddenly remembering what Nuala had said about him over lunch, what an old school gentleman Rhys was, the sort of guy who held open doors and brought you flowers “just because.” I experienced a very feminine reaction, a tendril of pleasure sweeping through my belly as he motioned into the car.

“Hop in.”

I was about to do just that when I finally came to my senses, unsure if I wanted to be confined to a car with Rhys. I was already getting butterflies just from him opening the door for me. I wasn’t sure I could handle an hour alone with him during rush hour traffic. “You’re driving to Malahide?”

“It’s Friday, isn’t it?”

Right, he mentioned driving out to my aunt and uncle’s house on Fridays.

“I don’t want to impose,” I said, knowing a lot of people treasured their quiet drives after a long, hectic week at the office.

Rhys cast me a look like I was being silly. “We’re both going to the same place, Charli. Of course you’re not imposing.” His eyes flickered to me for a second before he continued, “In fact, make sure you come find me on Fridays from now on, and I’ll give you a lift home.”

I was a little chagrined since he was right. It made sense for me to hitch a ride with him, I climbed into the car and put on my seatbelt. Rhys walked back around to the driver’s side.

“Thank you,” I said once he was back in the car and had started the engine. “It’s very kind of you to offer to drive me, but you really don’t have to take me every Friday. You might like to be alone some weeks, and—

“Charli,” he cut me off. “I insist. I like having company on my drives, okay? Now, quit being so awkward about it.” This last part, he said gruffly like he didn’t appreciate me acting as though we were some kind of strangers or brand new acquaintances who had to be all polite and stiff with each other. I understood his annoyance since there was a time when I felt like I’d known him deep down to the depths of his soul. But that had been so long ago, and now … well, now, I still felt like I knew him, but we’d both changed in different ways. It was impossible to just act like no time had passed.

Silently, I nodded, unable to come up with a solid argument against accepting his offer. It wasn’t like I could say the idea of being confined in a car with him every week, close enough to touch, gave me butterflies I hadn’t felt in a long time. I didn’t think I was still capable of feeling such things. I thought Jesse had killed it all. But he hadn’t. It was yet another small victory, and with that realisation, I smiled faintly to myself.

“Good day at the office?” Rhys asked, noticing my smile.

“What? Oh, yes, it was good. A good first week though I still have a bunch of tax forms to submit, and the revenue office only opens from nine to five on weekdays. It’s so inconvenient because I work during those hours. I’m going to have to try and get away during my lunch break on Monday—”

“I can take you,” Rhys offered, cutting me off mid-complaint.

I blinked. “Really? I don’t want to be a bother. Besides, I can easily take a cab.”

“No need. I’m happy to do it. I know where the office is, and I can have you back at the hotel before the end of your lunch break. If you take a cab, you might end up having to wait for one to become available to bring you back.”

That was right. Dublin still mostly ran on an old school cab system. Uber and Lyft weren’t as prevalent yet.

“Well, all right, then. I accept. Thank you.”

Rhys smiled faintly. “No worries.”

We drove in silence for a few minutes, and my gaze drifted over the passing city before my thoughts returned to Maeve’s request. I remembered Nuala’s comment about suspecting Stephanie had done something to make Rhys break up with her, about her possibly pressuring him to start his own business. It reminded me all too much of the pressures Jesse had put on me to do the things he’d envisioned rather than allowing me to decide for myself. Not that I thought Rhys’ relationship with Stephanie was anything close to my marriage. That was an extreme example. But there were other, more subtle versions of manipulation and control between partners.

And it did seem like Rhys had been the one to call things off since Stephanie was depressed and missing him. Going behind his back to ask Nuala if she’d consider speaking to Stephanie felt a little wrong, not to mention unfair to Rhys, considering I didn’t know what transpired between them. I decided I should mention it to him and see how he felt. Nuala, Tristan, and Derek were his friends first and foremost, after all.

“So,” I said, reaching forward to turn down the volume on the radio, which had been tuned to a classic rock station. Rhys cast me a quick, speculative glance before focusing back on the road. “Maeve found out Nuala and I are cousins.”

A slight frown pulled at his lips. “Is that a problem? You sound worried.”

“Oh, it isn’t a problem for me. It’s just—you know how she and your ex-fiancée are close?”

“I’m aware of that, yes.”

“She mentioned how Stephanie is depressed about losing Nuala, Derek, and Tristan as friends since you guys broke up. Maeve asked if I’d speak to Nuala about possibly reaching out to Stephanie, but I wanted to run it by you first.”

When he didn’t immediately respond, I blew out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I really don’t want to be in this position, but she just laid it on me today in the office, and I don’t know her very well yet, so I didn’t feel comfortable saying no. However, if you’d prefer I keep out of it, I will. I hate meddlers, and I certainly don’t want to become one.”

Rhys’ frown intensified. “Why would you feel uncomfortable saying no?”

Huh? That was an odd part to focus on. “Well, I guess we’re new colleagues, and I don’t want her to dislike me.” I gave a self-conscious laugh. “I’m a bit of a people pleaser.”

“You shouldn’t say yes to anything that makes you uncomfortable, Charli, even if people might not like you for it. You need to set firm boundaries.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You haven’t just started a brand new job, one you got because your uncle owns the hotel. I’d rather not make my coworkers think I’m a bitch who only got the gig through nepotism.” So, I was a little defensive, but he’d touched a nerve. My inability to stand up for myself and set boundaries was half the reason I’d spent the last decade and a half in the marriage from hell.

Rhys exhaled, his features softening. “I’ve upset you. I’m sorry. I just …” He trailed off a moment, and I practically held my breath waiting for him to finish. “You used to be so confident.”

“I was?”

Rhys nodded. “When we were teenagers, you didn’t let people get away with any kind of bullshit. I remember this one time I was ogling your chest like a typical nineteen-year-old horn dog, and you immediately called me out for it. I was so impressed by that.” He chuckled fondly.

The memory hit me like a sledgehammer. The carefree, teasing, easy-going girl I’d been. I’d carried the weight of my father’s passing, but that was nothing compared to the weight I carried presently.

“I just enjoyed embarrassing you,” I said, my voice low. “But I know what you’re trying to say, Rhys. I’m aware I’ve changed. Life has been … it’s had its challenges. But I’m working on myself. Baby steps.”

I stared straight ahead, hands sweaty in my lap, aware of his attention on my profile. A prolonged silence fell before Rhys finally said, “Just don’t let the likes of Maeve push you around. As far as I can recall, you’re the head accountant. She answers to you. Don’t be afraid to remind her of that.”

I let out a quiet, self-deprecating laugh. “I’ll try, no promises.” I paused before continuing, “So, about the whole speaking to Nuala thing?”

Something flickered in Rhys’ jaw. “You can talk to her. I don’t claim ownership over my friends. If they want to keep in touch with Steph, they’re free to do so.”

There was a faint tension in his shoulders that told me he was trying to be more easy going than he felt, and though it was none of my business, a part of me yearned for him to open up and talk about what had really happened. Unfortunately, I had a feeling Rhys wanted to discuss his broken engagement about as much as I wanted to talk about my divorce and ex-husband.

Not at all.

Before I knew it, we’d arrived at the house. Rhys parked next to Aunt Jo’s car then came around to open my door. As I emerged, he held out his hand for me to take, and I wasn’t sure why, but I hesitated, staring at his large, slightly calloused fingers, the hint of dark hair at his wrist. My eyes flicked to his, and Rhys stared at me with such open patience and kindness that it knocked a little of the air from my lungs. He was offering me his hand, but he wasn’t forcing it on me. It was my choice whether to take it, and somehow, that made all the difference.

At last, I took his offered hand, a powerful zing of awareness sweeping through me when our palms connected. My hand felt small in his, practically engulfed, as he very gently smoothed his thumb over my knuckles, just once. He helped me out then let go.

“Thanks,” I murmured, shocked by how much I mourned the loss of his touch.

“No problem,” he replied, his words stiff.

He moved to step into the house when I said, “Rhys.”

He turned back, blue eyes absorbing me like he was cataloguing my features but unable to decide which was his favourite. Clearly, my imagination was becoming a little too active. He didn’t say anything, just waited with an open expression for me to continue. I cleared my throat, remembering what both Derek and Nuala had said about him being a vault and not really talking to anyone about the reasons for his breakup. “It goes both ways you know.” Again, he didn’t speak, just lifted an eyebrow. “The other day, you said you were a good listener if I ever needed someone to talk to. I just wanted you to know that I’m here, too, if you need a friendly ear.”

Some indeterminate emotion passed over his face before he nodded soberly. “Thank you, Charli.”

Then he turned back around and walked into the house.