Quinn’s Battle (Team KOA Bravo #4)

Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

The next morning, Dahlia slipped out of the bed, relieved Quinn didn’t stir. Her body was loose and warm and content. Her heart was a mess. Last night had been pure physical bliss in his arms.

It was the aftermath that left her feeling wrecked.

While she’d been floating in all that bliss, he’d pulled back and issued a warning. “I’m not your forever guy, Dahlia.”

She’d swallowed the immediate protest, waiting him out.

“I… I just want you to know this is special. You’re special. You have my word, that if I stick around, I won’t be a dick when the right guy for you shows up.”

Sleeping with him after that, she felt so alone. If he hadn’t spoken up and crushed her heart, she might not have noticed right away. She’d been riding that earlier high from the picnic. Out there, he’d been open with her, with his body and his heart.

She was sure an emotional scan—if such a thing existed—would show her shredded and raw. Her heart felt as if it had been dragged over a cheese grater. Which was dumb, really. He didn’t owe her anything. They were together for a practical reason. The amazing sex was a bonus, not a real relationship. She had no right to expect what he didn’t want to give.

The things Quinn had been through, long before the Navy, had left him with scars that went far deeper than the wounds he’d endured in combat. Being abandoned as a kid wasn’t his fault. Hell, she didn’t blame him for trying to make a life, but she wanted to throttle the woman who’d left him at the altar.

The cruelty of that was unthinkable.

And how arrogant of her to think a few words about the family he’d built would make it all better.

She knew better than to believe she could heal anything for him. But oh, how she wanted to.

She’d been up most of the night debating if she could give Quinn what he needed. And she’d caught herself wanting to give Quinn what he needed, primarily so he would stay with her.

That might not be as bad as leaving him at the church, but it was still the wrong approach.

Self-centered, if not outright selfish.

If he didn’t want a relationship, that was his prerogative.

And imagining that she could be his source of happiness wasn’t healthy for either of them.

She prided herself on her independence and managing what she could control. Quinn was way outside that box, as were her feelings. She was falling in love with him and as much as she wanted to shut that down, she couldn’t.

This situation pushed all her buttons. She wanted to surrender to everything she felt for Quinn, to cuddle into that amazing body and forget the troubles chasing her. Forget about his painful childhood and the current worries blurring his view of a future.

His future wasn’t her business, she reminded herself ruthlessly.

She gave up on the sweet and lazy morning-after breakfast concept. Something to look forward to, if things worked out. Instead, needing some space, she left a note boldly implying that the sunrise surf meet up with her friends had been planned all along. Quinn wouldn’t like it, would surely have opinions about her safety and acceptable risks, but she needed the ocean, the fresh air, and her friends.

Her inner turmoil called for an emotional and physical reset. Surfing was the best possible answer. She was careful, watching for any signs of someone tailing her, but the roads were practically empty so early in the morning. She went by her house, trading in her motorcycle for her aging Jeep with the surfboard rack. When she got to the beach, her friends were waiting in varying stages of readiness.

“Thanks,” she said, hustling over to join them. The sun was barely up and Dahlia was grateful her friends had turned up. “Thanks for coming.”

“You called this meeting and you’re the last to show,” Mia teased. Her smile faded as Dahlia approached. “Uh-oh.” She moved in for a hug.

Dahlia waved her off. A hug would make her cry and she needed to be able to talk.

“Your text said it was an emergency,” Emery pointed out. “That’s not a phrase we toss around lightly.”

“I was clear it wasn’t a physical emergency,” Dahlia defended herself. “This isn’t a conversation I wanted the guys to overhear.”

Moana frowned. “What did Quinn do?”

“Nothing.” Dahlia took a steadying breath. “It’s me.” She couldn’t share Quinn’s secrets. Jeopardizing his privacy was only another kind of betrayal. He’d trusted her with his deep personal pain and she wouldn’t go broadcasting that to her friends. “Well, he has trust issues.”

Mia snorted. “They all do,” she said. “They went through some crazy stuff long before their CO sent them here.”

“Right.” She seized on the safer topic. “But how are you dealing with it? I’m… He… I just don’t know,” Dahlia admitted. “I mean, Carter, Bowie, and Flint trust all of you. They’re with all of you.”

She couldn’t imagine her friends putting up with anything less than full trust in their relationships. Dahlia had been completely open to Quinn. She trusted the man with her life, body, and heart. The intimate connection she’d felt had been crushed when he slammed down that heavy emotional door, shutting her out. Had he even known the effect of those words?

Words she just couldn’t repeat to her friends.

Quinn had been hurt. He was entitled to his feelings. She was out here looking for advice to manage her reactions. Her expectations. Quinn was still her protector but she needed to shield her heart.

Moana’s fierce gaze was interrupted briefly as she tugged on her rash guard. “How we deal with the guys is pretty much irrelevant. What you do depends on what you want out of your time with Quinn.”

Her time with Quinn? That sounded like a fancy definition of short term. Tears stung the back of her throat. “Gee, I almost came to that conclusion on my own.”

Emery grabbed her surfboard. “I really thought we were coming out here for sexy stories.” She yawned and stretched. “Despite the schedule, I’m not actually nocturnal. Please make this worth my while.”

Dahlia stared at her. “You really think I’d classify sexy stories as a surf emergency?”

“With you?” Emery grinned, unrepentant. “Absolutely. How long was your dry spell?”

“My dry spell was a choice.” She wasn’t about to volunteer the real answer. They were her closest friends, but some details were just too embarrassing unless wine and snacks were involved.

“Why don’t you start with some of the fun details?” Mia suggested with a wink. “There’s something in it for us and it might give us some insight too.”

Dahlia shook her head and picked up her surfboard. “You guys are the worst. All three of you have plenty of sexy times of your own, I’m sure.”

Emery bobbed her eyebrows. “Doesn’t mean we can’t listen. That’s why we have ears.”

A few more surfers started trickling onto the beach, reminding Dahlia she had a short window. Once Quinn found that note, she was sure he’d show up.

“Come on,” Moana said. “I told Bowie we were surfing. Don’t make me a liar.” Surfboard tucked under her arm, she trotted toward the water.

Together the four of them paddled out beyond the breakers and sat up on their boards to wait and watch the waves.

“Start talking,” Emery ordered. “No way you’ll be overheard out here.”

“You do know your way around an interrogation,” Dahlia observed.

“I know when my friend is stalling.”

Called out, Dahlia started with the easy stuff. Recalling the best parts of yesterday gave her a boost of joy. Before Quinn, she hadn’t known picnics could be so much fun. She summed up her date, admitting, “I’ve never felt so close to anyone.”

“So why are you scared?” Mia queried.

Scared barely scraped the surface of what Dahlia was feeling. She was terrified of the turmoil inside her without much of a reason for it. She didn’t have an explanation for these feelings she carried for Quinn. She understood love. Her childhood had been one long love letter between her parents, spilling over in the beautiful, positive way they’d raised Dahlia and her brothers.

She had no reference point for the issues Quinn had shared. No idea how to help him believe in her or the possibility of them together. And she was terrible at holding back when she saw something she wanted. She wanted to love Quinn and have him accept that gift with confidence.

“Because I’ve never felt so close to anyone,” she repeated. Not an easy admission, even with her friends.

She’d had crushes through the years, and a decent relationship or two along the way. She’d also dealt with plenty of forgettable crappy dates. But even the best days and high points of those earlier relationships paled in comparison to what she felt for Quinn.

“You’re in love with him,” Emery stated.

Yes. “Probably. Maybe.” She swallowed. “I don’t think I want to be.”

“Why the hell not?” Moana asked.

“It’s complicated. And it’s not what he wants. He told me relationships weren’t his thing when we started going out.”

“When he started protecting you,” Moana said.

Clearly her friend was still perturbed Dahlia hadn’t shared her concerns about the sketchy guys hanging around the bar. “Same thing,” Dahlia said. “He told me from the start he was interested.” Right after that first kiss. “He promised he wasn’t sticking close solely as a bodyguard.”

“He gets points for that,” Emery mused.

“And now you think being in love with him is wrong,” Mia said.

“If I’m in love,” she cautioned. Emery rolled her eyes. “If I am and I tell him, Quinn will probably see it as a betrayal. He’s had enough of those. And he warned me up front,” she repeated.

The answer seemed obvious. She would keep her feelings locked down and just enjoy the time she had with Quinn, be it another day, a week, a lifetime or something in between. He wanted to be with her. That should be enough.

Mia paddled closer. “Genuine love for someone is never a betrayal, Dahlia. You have to know that. Deep down, you know that.”

“Deep down, sure. But Quinn is different.” Special. She’d never been so intent on doing the right thing for a boyfriend. Though the term hardly applied in this case. “Can’t you help me sort out how to handle things on the surface? I don’t want to hurt him or make things awkward.” She didn’t want to leave herself open for pain either.

“I’ll think it over.” Moana’s gaze was on the incoming wave. She put herself into position and popped up on her board.

Dahlia watched her go, the others too, as they took their turns in the surf. Her ride was exhilarating, the power of the ocean propelling her along and demanding all her focus. No room for anything other than her love and respect for the island. She dove into the water as the wave faded under her board, letting the water carry her along. Coming up, she caught up with her board and coasted along the rollers to the beach.

The four of them took a breather, sitting in the sand to watch other surfers doing their thing. Moana nudged her shoulder. “It all comes back to what you want from him,” she said gently. “And what you want this relationship to be for you.”

She wanted Quinn, even though having him wasn’t something she could control. It felt sharp and desperate in her chest. “That’s not an answer I should have to think about.”

“On the contrary,” Emery interjected. “You might’ve known the answer before Quinn, but he changes the factors.”

No argument there. He’d definitely turned her world upside down.

“Well,” Mia chimed in. “If the relationship is something worth fighting for, then you need to fight.”

Dahlia believed love was worth a fight. Denial didn’t suit her, but apparently, Quinn leaned into it. He was worth a fight. He should know that, but would he hear her if she tried? She feared he would only feel cornered. Her feelings were her burden.

Besides, what good would fighting do if Quinn was going back to the SEAL teams any day now? That’s what she couldn’t articulate, even to her friends. She didn’t want to throw her heart out there only to watch him trample it and walk away.

“It’s too soon,” she said. “I’m just caught up in myself.”

“Liar,” Emery accused. “It’s been enough time for you to fall for him.”

She silently conceded that truth, before turning to Mia. “Will Carter sign the reenlistment paperwork? Is he going back to the teams?”

Mia’s lips parted and whatever she’d been about to say, she stopped herself. “You can’t do that. You can’t make a choice with a safety net or guarantee in the back of your mind. That’s cheating. Kind of. Mostly cheating yourself.”

“Quinn hasn’t talked to you about it?” Moana queried.

Dahlia stifled a groan. Of course they hadn’t talked about a future—they’d been pseudo-dating for all of one week. And Quinn had clearly stated he was future-adverse when it came to relationships. Thinking about it, she was out of line. He’d already given her the answer. Her heart shouted that he deserved to know he was loved. Could she tell him without putting any pressure on him?

“He’s only said the deadline is close.”

“End of the month,” Mia said. “What Carter decides could be completely different from the others.”

Dahlia fought the urge to run away. From her friends, from the topic. If only she could outrun her feelings.

“Oh, please,” Emery said. “Those four men are glued at the hip. Trust issues, remember? After what happened, I can’t see any one of them going back to the teams unless they all go.”

Dahlia studied her friends. There was a new contentment radiating from each of them. A steadiness that went beyond the normal benefits of a surf morning. Did they even know they were all glowing with stability?

She had never felt more apart. Maybe this was a question she should’ve taken to her mom. Except her mom would advise her to tell Quinn how she felt, because her mom and dad had never not been in love.

Moana rolled to her feet, clearly eager to get back in the water. “Be real, Dahl. Even if Quinn goes back, the Navy isn’t forever. SEAL teams can’t last indefinitely. It’s too demanding. I vote for telling him, especially if you’re willing to handle a long-distance relationship for what would be a relatively short time.”

That was certainly an element with potential Dahlia hadn’t considered.

That barrier Quinn had put up left her bruised and uncertain. Her heart might be full of love, but her head was really trying to do the safe thing.

But what was the right thing?

She caught her friends watching her with a combination of concern and pity. Not helpful at all. “Thank you all for listening.”

“I still haven’t heard a sexy story,” Emery complained as they headed back into the water to find a few more waves.

Dahlia was not about to kiss and tell. At least not with any great detail. She changed the subject and gave herself over to the rhythm of the ocean and just let the rest of her worries slide away.

For now.