Readjustment (Restitution #2)

14

Adam Dawson

What would happen if I just kept driving?

You’d think almost having my ribs kicked in might encourage Caleb to put off the talk he wanted. But before we left, he asked if Josh was on the way, and if we could meet at his apartment before.

Under the streetlamps, the silhouette of the trees over the creek spread out like cracks in a windshield against the deep pinks and purples of the dusk sky. I slowed to a near stop and reluctantly accelerated over the uneven bridge.

Once we finished with Kaiser, we spent the rest of the day putting a plan into place. Milo was being taken in for surgery and wouldn’t be out of recovery until morning. After speaking with the sergeant in charge, Brass and Myers were detained by State Police and being held for the next twenty-four hours. We wrote up the paperwork for the deal we cut with Kaiser and he was sitting in the county jail. We were close to busting this thing open, but we had to be smart about it. Branson obtained a warrant and the local police in Hawaii had executed the arrest at the sheriff’s hotel. A U.S. Marshall would accompany him back to Illinois, then transport him to Peyton for questioning. It was a classic case of hurry up and wait, which meant Caleb and I had the night to hash out what he wanted to discuss earlier.

How far can I get on a tank of gas? I squinted at the dash’s reading. Okay, half a tank of gas.

If I drove back to the freeway, found an Edward Jones, and cashed out my retirement accounts, I could start a new life. I’m sure my parents would understand once I got a burner phone and gave them a call from somewhere tropical. I could become a private investigator, change my name to something far more exotic, and take up golfing. I knew what Caleb wanted to say, and I dreaded it more than anything I’d ever been through, save Perry’s funeral. I wasn’t interested in Josh’s plan to fix our marriage. I wasn’t interested in being Adam Dawson anymore.

I wasn’t interested in being at all.

But the fact was, I’d been running from one thing or another for decades and I was sick of it. So, I parked my truck and padded up to my apartment, giving myself a pep talk. This wouldn’t be so bad. He’s probably worried Josh might get suspicious and wants to be on the same page. Because I’d seen how he looked at me last night. He wouldn’t give that up. All I had to do was listen and not react.

I stepped into my apartment and tossed my tie over the back of a kitchen chair. After showering off every bit of grease and filth from my fight with Kaiser, I changed into jeans and a black Lions quarter zip. My bruised abdomen ached as I bent down to grab the bottle of Jack from the cupboard. It burned all the way down but gave me enough Dutch courage to walk out the door.

I took a marshaling breath, knocked twice on his apartment door, and Caleb opened it without a word. His eyes were unsteady, and though the edges of his lips were curved upward, it wasn’t that movie-star smile I’d grown to love. It was the opaque, plastic version that others never bothered to decipher. In their defense, it was a good one, but if you’ve ever seen a true Caleb Straus smile, you could spot the difference a mile away. Up close and personal; the insincerity was like a slap in the face.

He’s afraid. A burning ache worked across my chest. He’s scared because he knows how you are. You’ll make everything worse than it has to be. Because you’re you.

“Do you want a drink?” Caleb moved into the kitchen and pulled open the fridge. “You still have beer from the other night. I think you left some Jack here, too.”

“Uh, no thanks.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and stepped into the apartment. “Josh will be here within the hour.”

“Oh.” His eyes fell.

It was Judgment Day. I wished I had more booze to coat the pain in my throat.

“Please sit down.” Caleb motioned to the living room. “I’ll try not to drag this out.”

My feet felt like cement blocks, but I dragged them over to the couch. The Christmas tree sparkled by the balcony door, surrounded by half-empty boxes. Wheel of Fortune played on the TV, but the volume was so low it was hard to make out what Pat Sajak said to make Vanna White laugh when Caleb set his water bottle on the coffee table.

“Please, Caleb.” Tears blurred the edges of my vision, and my voice was almost too strained to be heard. “We don’t have to do this now,” I said. “Please. I can call Josh and tell him to turn around and go home. That we caught a big break, and I can’t—”

But Caleb slowly shook his head. “We should’ve done this weeks ago.” He stared down at his knees and plucked his pant leg. “Things have gotten out of hand, and we can’t keep dancing around it.” When his eyes came back up to mine, they were glossier, darker.

“Just let me call him.” I fumbled with my phone. “Please, we can take more time to—”

“Adam.” Caleb held up his hand to stop me. “Please let me say what I need to, because I might actually die if I don’t.”

And I might actually die if you do.

“I want you, Adam.” Caleb’s voice was forced like it’d been pushed through a straw. “Being with you has been the most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so wonderful with someone besides Ethan, and I’ve cherished every moment. I thought knowing this had an end date would keep my heart and mind separate, but it hasn’t.” His throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “I told myself you’re married. And that Peyton isn’t your home. I thought I could stop myself from falling in love with you, but I have and… that’s my own fault.”

“Then why—”

Caleb lifted his hand, and the way it trembled cut me off at the knees again. “The sex, the long nights together, your head in my lap, all those things…it kills me every time I have to let you go, and I can’t keep doing it. I can’t say no to how you make me feel. But I also can’t stay in this limbo, waiting for the day we might be more than friends with benefits.”

That undying current of anger trying to drown shame and guilt kicked up, and I was already struggling to keep my composure.

“You said you wouldn’t give up on me.” I pointed toward his bedroom. “You held me and…you promised.”

“I didn’t say I’m giving up on you.” Caleb said firmly. “I’m giving up the dream of you leaving Josh and staying here. I don’t need to be your side piece to keep my promise.”

Sweat formed in my palms as I dug my fingers into my thighs. “You don’t believe in me,” I said through gritted teeth. “You don’t think I’ll do it.”

“I want to,” Caleb said. “More than you know. But I’m not in your shoes, and I don’t want to be. Like you said, you’ve invested half your life in him, and I never should have inserted myself into the mix. And I understand wanting to see things through with Josh. Your tenacity is one of the things I love most about you. But I can’t be strung along anymore.”

Part of me knew Caleb was right, but a drowning man’s first impulse is to attack the lifeguard. “So you’re just abandoning me?” The words were almost a shout.

“I’m not abandoning you. I’m putting up boundaries, Adam!”

My heart slammed against my chest. “Why now?”

“I’ve been thinking on it a while,” his voice got low and soft, “I’ve talked it over with G, and—”

“You told her?” My hands balled into fists. “Everything?”

“I didn’t have to.” Caleb’s voice grew edgy. “She knows me better than anyone.”

“Of course,” I eyed the ceiling and blinked back tears, “I should have known you couldn’t make this decision on your—”

“Don’t you dare blame this on her!” His face reddened in anger. “This was my decision. The only reason I talked to her was because when we’re together, I’m all feeling and no thought. She helped me see that the way things are now,” he motioned his hand between us, “it isn’t helping you .”

“And this will?”

“Let me finish.” Caleb struggled to keep the growl out of his voice. “I can’t make you take that next step, but I can help in other ways. I can be your friend. I can listen. But it can’t come at my expense anymore.”

Please stop. I begged silently. Please, just stop.

“And I do believe you want to leave Josh, but if you’re not willing to move past whatever he’s holding over you, he’ll always rip you away from me. He’ll always control you.”

“You think I don’t know that?” My voice broke. “I fucking live with him, Caleb. I’m not blind.”

“I didn’t say you were, but you’re still married, Adam. Period. And it’s not fair to ask me to wait. Or to watch you go back to him over and over while I fall more in love with you.” He took a shuddering breath, and his voice softened some. “I understand it’s hard to face your past, and to stop punishing yourself —”

“Bullshit!” I shot to my feet. “You don’t know shit about how hard the last sixteen years have been for me!”

“Really?” Caleb stood, shoulders and thighs spread out wide, arms rigid. “I threw my entire fucking life away because of my demons. This town still hates me, my father has never forgiven me, and I lost the thing I’d been working for my whole life, so don’t act like I don’t understand.”

“And yet, you stay.” A wicked laugh broke free. “You bitch about how miserable it is, but you stay because you’re just as fucking pathetic as I am!”

It was a cheap shot, but it felt good to be the one landing the blows for once. “I’m not the only one stuck in the past. Your whole existence is built around getting your old life back!”

“How dare you!” Caleb shoved the coffee table aside with his foot and his water bottle tipped. “I wanted to do this right, but if you want to be brutally honest, two can play that fucking game.”

As if on cue, a car alarm started shrieking outside.

“Don’t stop there,” I taunted. “You’re just warming up.”

“At least I can be honest about my mistakes, Adam.” Caleb stepped forward and jabbed his thumb into his chest. “You can’t even do that, and you know why?”

I stepped into his touch. “Bring it, asshole.”

“You like being miserable. You punish yourself because it’s easier than doing what it takes to be happy, and you wear your misery like a badge of honor.”

“And staying in fucking Peyton isn’t you punishing yourself?”

Caleb froze and something dangerous flashed in his wide eyes.

Any seeds of remorse were swept away by the thrill of the fight. “Touch a nerve there, hypocrite?”

His hands fell to his side and balled into fists. “Get out.”

“God, you’re just like Josh. It’s fun when it’s my problems we’re talking ab—”

The impact of his fist, and the burst of white light, rocked me before I ever saw it coming. My vision wavered and if not for getting a hand on the loveseat behind me, I’d have landed on my ass. Pain exploded in my cheek up to my temple, but in truth, I was more stunned by the action than the blow itself.

I stood up straight, gently working my jaw. Caleb’s face came into focus in time to see tears flood his eyes, and his throat spasmed, like he might be sick.

“I said, get out!” Caleb shook out his hand as a tear dripped down off his chin. “Get the fuck out!”

“Gladly.” I stomped to the door and slammed it behind me.