Readjustment (Restitution #2)

15

Adam Dawson

I’d been trying to get the cap off my fifth for eight minutes.

With shaking hands, I finally wrestled it off. I took a sip, held the cool glass bottle to my swollen jaw, then took another. Adrenaline lit up every nook and cranny in my body, and the booze landed in my stomach like I was pouring concrete into it. I held onto the counter, bent over, and ended up coughing half the amber liquid onto my sweatshirt. Each spasm rattled my bruised ribs. I wasn’t sure if my tears were from the agony of physical pain or the heartache over my fight with Caleb. I caught my breath and tried for another drink, but the seismic activity in my organs made it hard to swallow. Or breathe. Or stand.

With a groan, I slid to the floor as our fight played on a loop in my head. The hurt on his face. His tears. His words that stung more than the punch.

You deserved it.

You did this to him.

Caleb had held a mirror up and forced me to see who I really am. All the money, power, my badge, none of it could conceal that I’m just a selfish piece of shit scared of my own reflection.

With shaking hands, I took another sip of whiskey, then set it down. The glass rattled as I steadied it, and my thoughts shifted to my own words. I’d hit Caleb where it hurt, and I hated the part of me that found satisfaction in watching him fall apart.

Because it was the same satisfaction Josh gets from doing the same thing to me.

Oh, fuck.

I barely got to my feet when the first wave of bile retched up into the sink. My teeth chattered as I sucked in a painful breath and heaved again, but there was nothing in my stomach to expel. I hid my face in my forearms as my emotions see-sawed between anguish and anger.

Where the hell did Caleb get off acting holier-than-thou? I never forced him to do any of this. Never promised him a fucking thing. He could’ve stopped pushing my buttons at any time tonight, but he didn’t. He dug his heels in and when I dared to call out his hypocrisy, he fucking hit me. At least I had the decency to be the bigger man and walk away. So, why the fuck did I still feel so…awful?

I stomped off to my bedroom and tossed my spit covered shirt onto the fan. This was why I couldn’t leave Josh. Not the secrets or the sunk cost fallacy that convinced me to keep trying, to not give up because we’d been together all these years. It’s because we fucking deserved each other. The quicker I made peace with it, the better.

My phone vibrated on the nightstand as I stripped out of my clothes and deposited them in the closet hamper.

Josh: Stopped for gas. Be there in twenty. Can’t wait, baby.

My head fell back, and a wave of determination rolled up my chest and out as a long exhale. Things with Caleb had been fun, but he could never accept me for who I am. He wanted some better version of me that didn’t exist. I needed to move on from that once and for all.

So, I put on my tailored Neiman Marcus jeans and buttoned up my black Calvin Klein dress shirt. In the bathroom, I snagged my toothbrush, determination showing in the angular features of my face as I brushed my teeth. I shaved carefully over the tender part of my jaw, combed my hair the way Josh likes, and headed to the living room. My pulse thrummed in my ears like a warning bell, but I wasn’t backing down. I should just leave Peyton tomorrow. It’d be easier than facing Caleb at work. For both of us. Make it a quick, clean break. It’s not like Josh can’t cover our bills until I get another job.

By the time the comm buzzed, I looked like the man who’d left Chicago, and I felt like him too. I already had the script written in my head for the night. I buzzed him up, wiped my sweaty hands down the front of my jeans, then did a double check of my collar and zipper. Footsteps thudded in the hallway. I cleared my throat and opened the door before he could knock.

“Hey, love.” Josh kissed my cheek and rolled his gold-and-black Louis Vuitton bag into the apartment. His smile showed off those impeccable teeth, and smooth, bronze skin. “God, that’s such a boring drive.” He went to the living room, and my face reddened when he saw the laundry still sitting on the couch.

“Yeah, it’s brutal.” I walked past him and grabbed the basket. “Sorry. Been a long few days with this case.”

Josh came up and gently cupped my face. “Don’t worry about that, baby.” He kissed my temple. “Are you hungry?” His posture was loose and comfortable as he ran the pad of his thumb along my jaw, stopping at the bruise. “Oh God. What happened, babe?”

I hoped like hell he didn’t hear my breath catch. “Perp got me. Landed a few rib kicks but, I’m alright.”

A flicker of suspicion pulled Josh’s brows down, and niggles of doubt crept up my back.

You can still change your mind.

“Hey.” I rested a hand on his soft cashmere sweater. “I’m fine, I promise.”

“Good,” he said. “I couldn’t stand losing you. Did you eat yet?”

You can tell him to go. Apologize to Caleb.

I looked into those copper eyes. He was still the man I married on the outside, and that was all I needed tonight. “No, I haven’t.” My gaze fell to this coral lips. “We can eat later though. Right now, I want you.”

I kissed Josh with my eyes scrunched tight and that fucking bruise twinged. Ignoring the pain, I worked Josh’s lips open with my tongue and kissed him harder. Josh made a surprised sound when I gripped his sweater and backed him into the wall. I prayed he wouldn’t notice the shaking in my legs as I shoved my thigh between his and ground against him until we were a tangle of arms and hard bodies pressed together.

“I’ve been thinking of you all day.” I pushed his sweater up and my hands found the familiarity of his hard runner’s muscles. Sweat slicked my palms, making them stick to his sides. “I can’t wait another minute.”

“Damn, baby.” Josh gasped, our mouths hovering, breathing each other in. He held my gaze, pupils dilated. “Me either.”

I grabbed his hand, pulled him down to the bedroom and guided him until his ass crashed into the dresser. There’d been words I planned to say to make this all seem genuine, but I didn’t need words for this part. I knew just what Josh liked.

“We need this.” Josh fumbled with the buttons of my shirt and shoved it off my shoulders. “God, it’s been so long since I felt you inside me.”

My stomach shook as I leaned in and kissed the spot where his neck and shoulder met. I took every chance I could to keep his mouth busy. This wasn’t about talking. It was about fucking. I can do this. Our waists came together, and I rutted myself slowly against this firm thigh. Just keep going. To my surprise, my cock actually began to stir, and it got easier to rock my hips. To kiss him. To moan and pant and sell the pretense that I wanted this as much as he did. I just had to get him on his stomach. Then I could close my eyes and think of…

A knock on the door halted me before I could unearth Josh’s cock.

“Adam?” Caleb’s faint voice was followed by more knocking. “Open the door.”

“Shit.” My heart plummeted to my feet as I stood up.

“Hey.” Josh swiped at my hand as I walked away, but just barely caught my wrist.

I held my hand up to halt him. “Just a second.” I did up my pants as I went to the door and opened it while I still had the nerve.

“Hey,” Caleb stood in the hall with his hands in his pockets. “I just, uh…”

“Everything okay, baby?”

Oh, God.

Josh sauntered up behind me. Naked from the waist up, he had purposely tousled his hair and left his fly half-open.

Caleb’s face blanched, and the shock of betrayal darkened his eyes. For the second time tonight I watched him fall apart. His chest caved in, and he pressed his sternum like he was willing himself to breathe.

Regret was bitter in my mouth, but I forced out a casual tone. “Everything okay?”

Caleb didn’t answer, his eyes bouncing between Josh and me.

“Did you need something?” Josh asked as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“N-no. Sorry” His Adam’s apple jumped, and in a subdued voice he said, “Have a good night.”

I closed the door and leaned against it. I felt dizzy as I turned around, brushed past Josh who was reaching out for me, and entered the bedroom.

Josh was right behind. “What are you doing, babe?” He set his hand on my shoulder, but I jerked away from the touch.

“I need to see what he wanted.” I picked up my shirt and pulled it on. “I’ll be back.”

“He said he didn’t need anything.”

“We’re in the middle of a huge case,” I fumbled with the buttons. “He wouldn’t have come over if…”

“I’m sure it can wait twenty minutes.” He laid the fuck-me eyes on thick as he waved a hand towards the bed. “Why don’t you lay down, love? You look stressed. Let me take care of you first.”

“Later.” I slid into the crocs by the bed. “Just give me five minutes.”

“Hang on!” Josh followed me down the hall and grasped my shoulder with enough force to spin me around to face him. “What the fuck is going on here?”

My vision settled on my husband’s hand. Those golden fingers dug into the muscles, palm firm on my collar bone. The same way they looked at Perry’s graveside. Or the night I’d caught him cheating, and he’d begged me to forgive him. It was his go-to move; control disguised as care. As I ripped my arm away, the tether of guilt that bound me to him began to fray.

“What’s going on,” I said, “is that he’s my fucking partner. You wouldn’t understand because all you fucking care about is yourself, but he looked upset and I’m going to check on him.”

“Oh,” Josh dragged out the word and a calculated, conniving smile spread out with it. “Now we’re finally getting somewhere.”

“Just fucking—” I strode to the door, but Josh beat me there.

“I don’t think so.” Josh’s back thudded against it. “You’re not going anywhere until we get to the bottom of this.” He looked me up and down before settling on my face with an icy seriousness. “You’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me?”

Josh smirked in that all-knowing way that made me feel small. “You’re fucking your partner and you thought fucking me the moment I got here would, what? Put me off the scent? Make me think things were fine between us? Like the last month hasn’t happened?”

I stood there, frozen, tired of lying and knowing he’d destroy me if he knew the truth.

“Isn’t that rich?” Josh tsked. “After all the shit you gave me for cheating, you jump right in bed with your partner. While I’m trying to fix this marriage.”

“Oh, really?” I went to the kitchen table and grabbed my phone. “Is that what you’re doing?”

“What the hell are you—”

With long, heavy strides, I walked towards Josh and played the last video Kendall sent me. “Is this your idea of fixing our marriage?”

Josh tried to get away, but I grabbed him and shoved the screen in front of his face. “Who the fuck are you to accuse me of anything?” I demanded.

For the first time in years, I saw a sliver of vulnerability in those eyes before that cat like reflex kicked in. Because Josh always landed on his feet. Especially when it came to me.

“It wasn’t like that.” Josh lifted his chin in defiance.

“Oh, I’ve gotta hear this.” I waved the phone in front of him. “How is that different? ”

“Those guys meant nothing.” He calmly eased my hand down. “We used to fool around with guys in college all the time. That’s just sex. A release.”

“That’s the best you’ve got?” I said in disbelief. “College was ten fucking years ago, Josh. We’re married!” I lifted my left hand and rubbed the callous on my third finger. “I can’t even wear my ring anymore because I made myself sick trying to forgive you. I thought what we had left was better than nothing, but it’s not. You don’t love me. You love the control you have over me and I—”

Josh’s face hardened, and his eyes narrowed on me. “I’d choose your next words very wisely.” He stepped away from the door and pulled his cell phone out. “I might be forced to call your parents and tell them this secret you’ve been keeping is ruining your mental health. How you had every chance to save your brother that night—”

“Go ahead.” The words escaped before I could find the strength to hold them back.

Josh lifted a brow and glared at me.

“Call them, Josh. Destroy the last fucking thing you hold over me.” All the years of being gaslighted and made to feel like I’m nothing…they all led to this. The moment I finally found the strength to fight back. “I’ll have no problem turning the videos over to your firm.”

Josh’s face lost its color. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re representing Brandon Getzle, right?” I clicked through the list of attachments. Photos. Videos. Records of their business relationship. “Let me guess; he can’t afford to pay, so you agreed to work pro bono if he met you for dinner at Aroy’s. Then you told him that he’s just so much more than a client to you. Just give you one night to show him.”

“You’re fucking psychotic, Adam.” Josh tried to grab the phone from me, but I yanked it away.

“Yeah,” I laughed, “I sure as fuck am, thanks to you.”

He scratched at the hollow above his collar bone. “You can’t prove we slept together.”

“I don’t need to.” I pocketed my phone before he could try to grab it again. “Mr. Goldshmidt can put two and two together. And even if he doesn’t, he’s going to have questions. Like why one of his top partners in his firm is meeting clients after dark at a pay-by-the-hour motel?” A bitter laugh rose from that black hole inside me. “God, I’d fucking love to be a fly on the wall in that room.”

Josh’s nostrils flared, his breath harsh. “Give me the phone, Adam.”

“Why?” I asked in amusement. “You gonna break it? You think I don’t have all of this backed up to the cloud. Or that my P.I. doesn’t?”

“Fuck you!” Josh’s eyes were cold and hard as he took another step towards me. “After everything you’ve put me through. All the shit I’ve put up with for years. ”

He drew so close I could see the beads of sweat over his mouth. I knew what was coming, but I held my ground, stance wide and ready for his next move.

“Who do you think will be left when they find out who the real Adam Dawson is, huh?” His voice was so deep, it was as if Satan himself was talking. “Your parents will hate you. Your colleagues will know you’re a fraud. And Caleb? You think he’ll look at you the same?” He slammed his hand down on the kitchen table. “I’m the one who really understands you. Who’s loved you for who you are. The good and the bad. And this is how you repay me? Going behind my back?”

“And you’re not?” I pointed a firm finger at him. “The lies. The cheating. The threats. Do you even care anymore?” I shook my head and forced my tears back. “Do you care that you’re killing me?”

Josh threw his hands up. “I’m not going to stand here and listen to this.” He grabbed the handle of his bag and stomped back over to stand in front of me. His shoulders were square, and the skin between his brows was pinched together. “I’ll give you a little time to remember who the fuck you’re talking to.” He turned towards the door, stopped and looked back over his shoulder. “But not long. Make up your fucking mind, Adam.” He slammed the door behind him, and a cool draft from the hall washed over me.

I walked out to the balcony and made sure his Range Rover left the lot before I sank into the couch and collapsed in sobs. I’d stood up to Josh, and though I’d been proud in that moment, it’d gotten me back to the same fucking place. Hurt. Scared. And needing to make a choice before it was made for me. I knew what I needed to do; I just couldn’t do it tonight. Not yet at least. My marriage isn’t worth fighting for anymore, but there’s something that was.

I splashed water on my face, grabbed my keys, and went across the hall. I could smell the sharp scent of sweat coming from my under arms as I lifted a hand to knock on Caleb’s door. I just had to talk to him. To explain that running into Josh’s arms had been about punishing me and not him. That I’m still redeemable.

The first three knocks went unanswered, but I doubt Caleb could hear it over the blare of his stereo and his own singing, horribly out of tune.

“Caleb.” I pounded. “Come on, Caleb.”

The volume went up, and I recognized it as “ Fuck You ” by Lilly Allen.

I rested my forehead against the door. “I know you’re angry. You can cuss me out if you want, but please…”

The deadbolt slid free, and the door swung so suddenly I nearly staggered into him. His shirt was unbuttoned, the mass of tan pectoral muscles peeking over the collar of his undershirt. There were droplets of liquid dotting the cotton. Something earthy but sweet, like smoked wood and vanilla.

No.

“Come on in.” He stepped back and the hand that’d been hidden behind the doorframe came into view. “I mean, what the fuck are boundaries, right?”

As the light caught the curved glass in his grasp, my body went numb. Any hope. Any purpose. Anything redeemable. It was a lost cause.

It was a bottle of Jack, and it was almost empty.