Rejected and Regretted (Ashen Wolves #1)

28

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A V R I L

After gathering with my beta and gamma, we discussed the changes to our plan. Three times I had patiently waited for Wednesday to roll around in hopes of sneaking around the packhouse while Koen and his team were out hunting, and three times I had failed. Whenever I had a chance to strike, something always stopped me. It was obvious I couldn’t keep waiting an entire week between attempts. If I wanted to succeed and return home soon, I needed to broaden my opportunities.

Once we finished analyzing all our options, we decided to act on Saturday. It was the ranked members' day off, and I noticed his gamma would faithfully leave to visit his family, who lived in a nearby pack, only returning the next day. His beta was usually gone for the entire evening as well; I heard someone mention he went to the city, though I wasn’t sure what he did there. But it didn’t matter. With only Koen left, as he rarely left pack territory, we agreed that I would distract him. That would give Theo an opportunity to search the upper floors of the packhouse while Elijah ensured he wouldn’t be caught.

Although I was quite pleased with our new plan, I was slightly concerned about the part I would play. Considering how Koen tended to see right through me somehow, I feared he would be able to tell that something was up. At least, I didn’t stumble onto him for the rest of the afternoon, which allowed me a moment of peace.

Yet, as night fell and I didn’t see him at the dining hall, relief started transforming into worry. Where could he be? I hadn’t seen him cross the town square, where I had spent most of the day hanging out with my friends; not even once. Had he stayed inside the packhouse all day? He’s never done that, at least, not since I arrived at Whispering Hills.

Well, maybe he just wanted some privacy and decided to have his meals delivered to him in his room. As a fellow alpha, I knew how overwhelming it could get to be surrounded by people all the time. Accepting that perhaps he just needed some time alone to unwind, I brushed it off and went to sleep.

However, when morning came and my friends told me Koen wasn’t at training, I found it hard to ignore it. As my restlessness became unsettling, I found myself searching every corner for him. Why did I even care? I certainly shouldn’t, not when I still hated him - or at least craved to hate him. Yet, I caught pack members discussing the alpha’s sudden disappearance, my reason was overcome by worry.

Before I noticed it, my feet were taking me to a place I could never forget. As I ventured into the woods, away from the main part of the territory, I could hear Koen’s warnings echoing in my mind. Unaware of my true power, he constantly voiced his discomfort about me being alone here, where I could encounter rogues who succeeded in dodging the sentinels. But I didn’t find any threats.

In fact, after seeing the alpha in all his glory, slaying enemies with fascinating ease, I could testify that he didn’t look at all threatening lounging on one of the branches of the tallest tree, gazing into the distance, trouble etched in his features.

I couldn’t hold back a sigh of relief as I spotted him from a distance. “Thank Goddess, you’re here.”

The sentence left my mouth before I realized I had even let it out. I couldn’t believe I had said that – I couldn’t believe I had even thought that. But I had, indeed, as became obvious when Koen’s head snapped in my direction. I swallowed dryly. Please, let him not have been able to distinguish my words from this far away.

“Avril,” he uttered, his tone slightly different than usual. There was surprise in it, as well as in the way he blinked a few times. He shifted in his spot to face me properly, raising his voice. “What are you doing here?”

Averting my gaze, I sheepishly replied, “I couldn’t find you anywhere.” Again, I immediately mentally scolded myself. Why the hell did I say that? Stupid!

I stole a glance at him in time to witness his eyebrows raise as his surprise deepened. He seemed even more shocked than I was. Then, the lines of worry staining his face faded as a light smile played on his lips. I watched him swiftly climb down from the spot where he was sitting, slowly walking toward me until he was standing right in front of me.

A glow emerged in his eyes as he questioned, not with amusement but in a serious tone, “Were you worried about me?”

Entranced by his proximity, and the sudden relief that washed over me once I finally found him, I was captured by his bright emeralds. My lips parted to answer him, but this time, I was quick enough to stop them before the truth slipped out and made me appear even more pathetic.

Instead, I ignored him, arching an eyebrow. “What are you doing here? Does anyone even know where you are? The pack is starting to wonder where the hell their alpha went.”

Koen clenched his jaw, his eyes darkening a moment before they left mine. I had never seen him like this, and it hit me. Hard.

“Gregor knows,” he revealed. “And I came here to…think.”

I hesitated for a moment, dreading the answer I might get, but I still had to ask. “Think about what?”

He ran his hand through his hair, a distressed breath pushing through his lips. “There’s friction between Whispering Hills and Opal Moon.”

It took me a moment to recall the name he mentioned - it belonged to a neighboring pack, with whom they had been enemies for as far as I could remember. Confused, I observed, “Hasn’t it been that way since your father’s rule?”

He nodded, yet his face let me know there was more to this story before he continued, “They killed one of our sentinels yesterday. For trespassing, supposedly, according to Grayson.” From his tone alone, it was evident he didn’t believe the other alpha’s claim. “I have a feeling that was not the end of it. There was something about his aura… It’s like he has something darker planned.”

His face contorted with puzzlement and torment, so intense I could feel it as if his feelings were my own. Shifting his gaze to the tree, he added, “I’ve been up all night trying to study all of the possible scenarios and how I could better prepare myself, just in case. I don’t want Grayson to take me by surprise.”

“You spent the night out here?” I whispered as if it was a loud thought.

For the first time, the mighty alpha appeared so vulnerable before me. Normally, I would take the way he carelessly let his every emotion show as weakness. It should disgust me. I would never let anyone see me in this state; when you’re a leader, letting your walls down, even for a second, gives your enemies a chance to stab you in the back.

Yet, the way Koen chose to let me see the truth about his inner conflicts only made me feel…honored. Even though he hadn’t heard about me for the past five years, even if I wasn’t part of his pack anymore, he was comfortable about being vulnerable around me. He had hidden away in the woods, far from the eyes of his pack mates, but he didn’t seem the least concerned about hiding from me.

And it touched me in a way I never expected.

Suddenly, the man chuckled, pulling me from my thoughts - but his gesture lacked any joy. “You think I’m out of my mind, don’t you?”

I should , I thought to myself. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. All I felt was sympathy for him. He had no one he could be open with.

In a way, I could relate to the feeling. While I did have Theo and Elijah, as well as a handful of friends I truly trusted at Azure Smoke, I still struggled to show them a more vulnerable side of me. My past had taught me to never show weakness, and I couldn’t let go of it.

“No,” I replied, taking a step in his direction. Why was I moving toward him? “I think you’re a good alpha who is concerned about the safety of the wolves you’ve sworn to protect.”

My statement came as a surprise to the both of us. For a minute, Koen just stared at me in silence, the tension slowly leaving him, evident in the way his shoulders relaxed. Did my words have that effect on him? There was a hint of gratitude in his eyes, and once I caught it, I felt awkward.

“So, uh…” Clearing my throat, I searched for an excuse to change the subject. “You missed training today.” He arched his eyebrows, puzzled. It only made me more nervous, causing me to blurt out, “Why don’t you spar with me? I heard it can help blow off steam.”

Still confused, he simply said, “I don’t want to hurt y-” Before he could finish his sentence, I landed a punch on him. “Ouch!” he complained, though a smile threatened to curl over his lips.

“Come on, didn’t you say you wanted to teach me self-defense?” I pressed, assuming a fighting stance.

Despite hesitating, he eventually gave in. “Alright. But you let me know when you’re getting tired.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. “As you wish, Alpha.”

We began by circling each other, but our sparring match lacked any seriousness. I didn’t bother reading his moves, nor could I sense him trying to study me. Knowing he was still reluctant about coming at me, I decided to lunge first, throwing a mock punch that he easily dodged. He countered with a playful swipe at my side, which I easily avoided.

Our movements were more dance than fight. It was something I had never done with anyone, yet the situation carried a familiar rhythm I found myself falling into effortlessly. Koen followed suit, in harmony with me as if it was natural to him, though I had a feeling it was a first for him, too.

"You know," I said between dodges and jabs, "I think you're going easy on me, Alpha."

He smirked, dodging another playful punch. "Maybe I'm just letting you think that."

Our banter continued as we moved around, and I could barely process the meaning of it, but I was actually having fun. Laughter mixed with the sounds of our light sparring, Koen’s tension easing little by little. But beneath the surface, there was something else - maybe I was having too much fun, because I failed to see it.

After ducking from another one of Koen’s strikes, I attacked him from below, pushing him back and onto the trunk of the tree that marked my childhood. With my forearms against his throat, I secured him in place, adding only necessary force. Surprise was etched on his expression, but he wasn’t suspicious of my swiftness - after all, he hadn’t been giving me his all.

We smiled at each other as our panting breaths mingled. I didn’t notice the change in Koen’s demeanor, not until his grin began to fade, a more serious - yet still relaxed - expression stretching over his face. Time seemed to freeze, and he started leaning closer, his mouth seeking mine.

But this time, I didn’t let myself be hypnotized by him. I couldn’t afford to let this happen. Not again.

As our lips were about to meet, I shoved him away. This time, I felt no anger - only sadness.

"No," I said, my voice breaking. "You don't get to keep doing this."

"Avril, I—" he started, approaching me again, but I kept my distance, turning my back to him and cutting him off.

"You had your chance, Koen," I reminded him, my voice trembling. "And you made your choice. For both of our sakes, own it."

In a split second, our brief moment of peace was shattered. Perhaps I was not strong enough to hate him like I had told him - like I wanted to - but I knew this had gone too far. I had already let him under my skin; I couldn’t let anything else develop between us. I couldn’t get involved with him.

As I began walking away, Koen didn’t try to stop me.