Relentless Sinner

Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Gabriella

“I can’t believe November is almost over already,” Cora says, looking at the light rain trickling down outside. “Before you know it, it’ll be snowing.”

We’re in the sunroom having lunch. She’s come by for our weekly catch-up session and as usual, Eve has whipped us up a delicious spread to feast on.

I nod when Cora looks at me but that sinking feeling in my soul grabs me when I think of how much time has flown by.

It’s been two months since Jaxon entered my life. We’ve been married for nearly five weeks. Sometimes it feels like a long time. At other times it’s not long enough. Then there are the times when it’s a mixture of the two and conflict waltzes in.

As time rolls on I keep being reminded of the wider problems at hand, the biggest one being I’m still a prisoner here. It doesn’t matter that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with my captor, my husband .

“Soon it will be Christmas,” I add, my voice reflecting my inner turmoil.

We previously talked about her upcoming wedding. After being engaged for two years she and Joey have finally set a date. She was excited to talk to me about something she’s wanted since forever, so I didn’t want to ruin her mood.

We’re always talking about me, and some shit is always wrong, so I felt it would be great to bask in her good news for a change.

“Are you okay?” She looks me over when she notices the shift in my mood.

“Same old thing.”

“Even though your skin is glowing like you have sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner?” She bites the inside of her lip in an attempt to hide her smile.

I smirk and look away, embarrassed for being so obvious. “ Cora .”

“I’m right, though. Aren’t I?” She laughs.

“Mostly.” The only time we’re not having sex is when Jaxon isn’t here.

“I’m just trying to make light of your worries. I know you’re in a state of continuous conflict, regardless of what you feel for Jaxon.”

“That sums it up. I wish I could say that things are great between us, because they are when I’m with him. But then there’s everything else. The things that aren’t resolved. And probably never will be.”

“Things have gotten a little better.” Cora sounds hopeful.

“Yes, but I’m still stuck in this house. I’ve only been allowed to go back to the hospital for one day a week and for a few hours. And Andrieu is always with me, watching me more than ever.”

I’m also allowed to visit Cora and go out with Eve when she’s shopping. But that’s it. I can’t go off on my own. I don’t have a car and I don’t have access to my own things like I did before.

More importantly, Jaxon hasn’t said anything about Natasha. Nothing at all. I also haven’t seen Dad since the wedding.

“On top of all of that is my worry over med school,” I add. “Nothing is being done about that so far. I’m like a sitting duck.”

“At least you deferred your placement at UCLA until next year, and I’m sure NYU will have a place for you if you want to finish up there.”

“Yes, but it bothers me that nothing has been said. I’m only not freaking out more about it because there are so many other things to figure out. Like Jaxon.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how little I know about him.”

Everything I know is what I’d call surface-level information. Like the details you’d know about a work colleague.

“You need to talk to him. Talk to him about everything .”

“I want to, but I worry I’ll piss him off.”

“Come on, Gabriella. There’s so much to worry about. Why add more things? What else could you be worried about that would stop you from asking him important questions?”

As if the universe heard her, Jaxon appears on the balcony on the other side of the house.

He’s back from work early but probably to work from home. My heart lifts at the sight of him but quickly descends into my stomach when Estelle falls in step with him.

Cora follows my gaze and frowns. “No way,” she mumbles and looks at me with wide eyes. “Don’t worry about her .”

“Why not? They’re always together.”

“ You guys are always together.”

“When he’s not with me he’s with her. And they’re always so close. She’s always touching him. I’ve never hugged my boss as much as she hugs Jaxon. It’s weird, and I don’t like it.” I don’t want her to touch him. “I hope like hell he’s not bringing her along on our honeymoon.” That’s this weekend and we’re only going to the Hamptons, so it’s not like she can’t pop by for business. God, have my priorities shifted.

How did I move from worrying about serious shit to petty little things? Although I guess that wondering if your husband is cheating is never petty.

“You know what? We’re not doing this. You’re going to ask him what you need to ask him. And do not be afraid.”

It’s easy for her to say. But she’s right. I’ve been sitting tight for weeks. Jaxon and I need to talk. I can’t live like this indefinitely.

“Gabriella, promise me you will.”

“Yeah, I will.” I nod, thinking about how I’d broach the subject to him and what I’d say. Jaxon isn’t the easiest of people to approach when he doesn’t want to talk about something.

But now that the dust is settling, this would be the best time to talk to him.

Maybe I can start small and ask about med school. That’s perhaps a good starting point because we discuss our interests easily. Then I could take it from there and ask about Natasha.

I won’t mention Estelle. I don’t want to seem like a jealous wife when he’s given me no real reason to worry. At least not that I know of.

The fact that I’m not overly fond of his beautiful assistant because she’s beautiful and looks like a Victoria’s Secret model isn’t his fault.

When he’s with me, it feels like he’s with me and no one else. Things have also changed between us in ways I never imagined. I’ve embraced the feelings I have for him and stopped trying to fight them. There was no point when they were staring me in the face every second of the day.

I keep remembering what he said to me that night in the woods.

That I was the missing piece of him. Me.

I’ve never heard anything more beautiful or felt anything close to what I felt for him at that moment. My emotions were so deep I knew there was no turning back.

Yet everything ahead of us feels vague. It’s literally like we’re married, but now what?

All the issues we had before we got married haven’t simply vanished into the ether because we can’t keep our hands off each other.

Jaxon has gotten what he wanted. But what about me?

I don’t even know if he wants to stay married to me. Like with everything else, he hasn’t spoken about it. I have to be married to get my inheritance, and he needs me because of it. What happens when he stops needing me?

The unsettled thoughts stay with me long after Cora leaves, so I decide I’m going to speak to Jaxon when I see him tonight. I can’t allow another day to pass that sees me wasting it by wondering and waiting like some lost princess in a tower.

Today has to be the day.

Today is also perfect because it seems Jaxon is working from home like I thought. I spotted Levka heading to his office earlier for a meeting.

Levka has never been here in all the time I’ve been around. I guess things have changed now that Jaxon is the new Pakhan.

When the rain stops, I head out to the terrace, where I try to get lost in one of my Stephen King novels. But I fail. I’m reading Salem’s Lot, one of my all-time favorites, but I can’t pay attention long enough to get past the first few pages.

My nerves keep picking away at my mind like a little bird digging through the garden for food. That saying don’t poke the bear keeps popping into my head.

In my case, I have a beast. My counter-argument with myself is if I don’t disturb the Beast, he’ll keep blocking my path. Then I’ll be stuck forever.

I gaze ahead at the trees and get lost in the array of fall colors. Burnt orange meets a variation of greens and browns, emblems of the seasonal shift.

It feels like me and the changes that have happened in my life. This time last year, Natasha and I were talking about traveling. She’d finished college and wanted to explore some sights before Dad married her off. I would have gone anywhere with her. Now I can barely say I know where she is.

I know she’s in Marseille, but that’s it. I can’t send a letter to her. I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I can’t see her whenever I want.

“You look like your mind is on another planet,” comes a voice that feels cold and unfamiliar to me.

I look around and find Levka literally standing next to me.

A shiver rushes down my spine at the sight of him. I never even heard him approach. My mind must have been on another planet if he got this close to me without me even hearing him.

I straighten instantly, recalling the warning Jaxon gave me months ago about not being alone with either of his cousins.

“I was just thinking about my book,” I lie, holding up the book with a taut smile. The smile isn’t rude yet not polite either. It silently asks the question: what do you want ?

“Good book?” A lopsided grin slides across his face as he glances at the book in my hands.

“Yeah, it’s Stephen King,” I say that in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Of course. You didn’t strike me as a horror book girl, though. I thought you’d be more into the Classics.”

“I read everything.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.” I’m purposely trying not to be too specific so we don’t get into a deeper conversation.

“I just thought I’d come over and say hi.” His stare becomes more assessing as he studies my face, then drops his gaze to my breasts and stares for way too long. “I haven’t really spoken to you much since you became part of the family.”

That’s been no great loss on my part. He’s even creepier than the night I met him and Yuri. I wish he weren’t talking to me.

Movement on the balcony catches my attention, and I see Jaxon again walking across it again. Him and Estelle.

Damn. Looks like he’s going out again. And with her . My heart sinks. It’s already getting late. I was hoping he’d be finishing up by now so we could talk.

I guess that won’t be happening.

“There they go again,” Levka hums in an almost sing-song voice.

I look back at him. He’s staring at Jaxon and Estelle. When he looks back at me, his smile widens.

“Always busy, those two. Although I thought Jaxon would have been more mindful now that he’s married.” He tilts his head and regards me with those uncanny eyes.

I don’t like the way he said those last words. Like he was implying something. If he is, I’d like to know. “What do you mean by more mindful?”

“Please tell me you’re not that na?ve.” He tsks, tsks at me like he’s pitying me. “I’d feel sorry for you if you thought that Jaxon and Estelle were simply working .”

“Aren’t they?” I ask in a meek voice that gives away my naivety.

“No, my dear sweet girl. It’s a well-known fact that Jaxon and Estelle have been fucking around since they were in their teens. Women come and go in my cousin’s life, but Estelle is his constant.”

The Texas-sized lump already living in the bottom of my stomach metastasizes into a planet. The air in my lungs burns like acid, and my heart… I can’t feel it.

I try to swallow, but the back of my throat is so dry even an ocean of water wouldn’t soothe me.

“Aww, looks like you truly didn’t know. I didn’t think you’d mind his sleeping around because your marriage is simply a business contract.”

“Of course, I mind.”

“Well, I’m sorry to say that Jaxon will see you as nothing more than the side-chick.”

“Stop it right now.” Eve’s voice carries around us like an echo.

Levka and I turn at the same time to find her standing a few paces away with a tray of cookies and tea.

I’ve never heard Eve raise her voice before, and I’ve never seen her look so enraged. I also didn’t think she’d be allowed to speak to someone like Levka with such anger.

“Eve. What have I done this time, sweetheart?” Levka feigns innocence and places a hand over his heart. “I was simply giving Gabriella here some wisdom I thought she should know.”

It’s amazing how many people think they need to give me wisdom. First Dad. Now Levka. Both of which are the worst sorts of people I’ve ever come across in my life.

“She doesn’t need your wisdom.”

“Eve Selenska.” Levka stalks up to her with his hands behind his back and a foreboding look in his eyes. “It’s a good thing you work for the Pakhan. If you were part of my household, you’d be dead for your insolence.”

“Yes, you are right. It is a good thing I’m not part of your household. So, if you’re done giving your wisdom, I’d like to speak to my lady. I have her schedule to discuss.”

Wow. I’m proud of Eve for her confidence. And calling me my lady adds a nice touch. The staff started calling me that after Jaxon and I got married.

I wish I could feel half as confident as Eve. I didn’t think anything could make me feel so shaken and disturbed when it came to Jaxon. I was so very wrong. My chest feels like glass, and even the slightest breeze could shatter it, then my heart would simply fall out.

“I’m done.” Levka gives her a steely stare that could melt rock then glances back my way. He doesn’t say anything more, though. Good. I couldn’t take another word.

He walks away, heading back into the house. Eve and I watch him until he goes through the doors, then she walks toward me and sets the tray down on the little table next to me.

“Are you okay?” Her voice is softer now.

“I…” I’m still stunned, and now I feel so foolish. Levka may be an absolute asshole, but what if is he’s right? “Is it true? You must have heard what he said about Jaxon and Estelle.” I’m sure she did from how she sounded when she yelled at him.

The uncertain look in her eyes doesn’t give me much assurance. “While I don’t know whether or not Jaxon and Estelle were ever an item, I’m sure they’re not together now .”

That still doesn’t reassure me. “What makes you think that?”

She gives me a poignant stare. “I know him. He may be a hard-headed, abrasive man, but I know him at heart. He’s never looked at anybody the way he looks at you. Like you’re more important to him than anything else. I don’t think a man like that would ever cheat on his wife.”

Her words are sweet, but I’m still thrown off balance with the possibility that Levka could be right. He said it was a known fact that Jaxon and Estelle have been together since their teens. And she was his constant.

Estelle could just be seeing what she wants to see because she’s a kindhearted person with good values and morals. She probably expects Jaxon to act in a certain way. That doesn’t mean he will.

And Jaxon is simply Jaxon. He’ll only allow you to see what he wants you to see.

“Hey.” Eve rests a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry yourself about things that don’t matter.”

I nod, but only to humor her. She may think I have nothing to worry about, but that’s not how I feel. “Okay. Thanks for the cookies.” I glance at the tray, shifting the subject.

“No worries. I thought you could do with a snack. I also wanted to talk to you about your trip to the Hamptons. Did you want to go to the hair salon or anything like that beforehand?”

“Okay, sure. It gets me out of the house.”

She sits with me for a while and goes through her list of things for me to do. I’m like a zombie the whole time, pretty much like how I was when we were planning the wedding.

Unlike that time, when I was thinking of all the ways to escape marrying Jaxon, I’m obsessing over him being with Estelle.

Night falls, and I find myself floating around the house like a ghost.

I pace the halls with my stomach in knots and that menacing feeling of uncertainty gnawing away at my insides like termites.

By the time the clock strikes midnight, I start thinking of all sorts of things. I imagine Jaxon and Estelle together. I keep thinking he must have been with her every night when he’s been away.

It’s crazy and I’m crazy because at the heart of it all, I shouldn’t care. This shouldn’t bother me because my marriage is a business contract. That is the truth and no matter what I want, I can’t change that.

So, why wouldn’t Jaxon be with a woman he’s always been with since they were kids?

That thought sends me down to the wine cellar. There I finish off one bottle of Merlot and grab one of Jaxon’s thousand-dollar bottles of wine to take upstairs to the bedroom. The empty bedroom. He’s not back yet.

I uncork the wine and drink straight from the bottle.

I’m not a huge drinker, but when I drink, I like wine. It’s great for me because it takes a while for me to get drunk. Meaning I can enjoy more of it and that mind-numbing sensation.

Tonight, though… I feel weird. Sadder and more helpless than ever.

The weight of all my worries has settled on my shoulders and I feel like shit. I sit on the floor in the corner of the room and continue drinking and thinking.

Why in the hell did my life have to turn out like this?

I had such big dreams I wanted to accomplish, and more than anything, I had my independence. I knew what I wanted to do with my life from such an early age, and everything I did was to make that possible. Then Jaxon happened.

How could one man have such an effect on me?

One man…

My husband.

There I was, thinking about med school and Natasha and deciding I wasn’t going to ask him about Estelle, not knowing she’s very much a problem, too.

I take another gulp of wine and start feeling sick. Looking at the bottle, I realize the wine is very old. Over a hundred years old. It also tasted like the kind my grandparents would collect for its strength. So, I probably had too much.

The click of the door suddenly sounds in my ear. It’s like it’s coming from far, far away, but it’s only across from me.

The door swings open, and Jaxon walks in. At first, he doesn’t see me, but when he spots me sitting on the floor, his jaw clenches. Of course, while I probably look like I feel— like shit —he looks like he just walked off a Davidoff advert.

He’s got his hair pulled back in a ponytail again like he did at the wedding, showing off his high cheekbones.

I like his hair like that. Or down. I like running my hands through it because it’s the softest part of him.

He closes the door behind him and walks toward me. When he reaches me, he crouches down and stares at me.

“What’s going on, Krasota?”

I stare back at him wondering how he can ask me that. It’s like asking me if I need help when I’m hanging from a shark’s mouth.

“Take your pick,” I mumble, lifting the bottle to my lips again.

When he takes it from me, all I can do is frown. I don’t have the energy to fight him.

“Did you seriously drink all of this?” He glances at the bottle.

“Yes, and more downstairs.”

“This isn’t like you.”

“How do you know? You don’t really know me. But I guess you know more about me than I do about you.” The words roll out of my mind, bypassing any ounce of common sense trying to stop me from speaking without thinking first.

“You’re upset with me. I’m trying to figure out why.” He keeps his tone in that low controlled volume that annoys me. It would be better if he were shouting at me.

“Don’t bother yourself, Pakhan .” God, I think I’m drunk.

“You don’t need to call me that.”

“Why? Isn’t that what everyone else calls you now?”

“You’re my wife.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“I doubt you remember that when you’re with Estelle, or God knows who else. I’m a contract, remember? Just a thing.”

His brows knit. “What makes you think I’m with Estelle or God knows who else?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Who made you think that? It certainly wasn’t me.”

“Levka.”

His jaw clenches so tightly it looks like it might snap. “He shouldn’t have done that.”

“If it’s true, it’s true.”

“But it’s not.”

I blow out a ragged breath and try to reach for the bottle again, but he holds it away from me. “Give it back.”

“No. You obviously have some stuff on your mind. Stuff I need to hear, so tell me.” His bright blue eyes bore into me. “Say what you need to say.”

I had this whole speech prepared and ready to deliver, yet now my brain is a landmine of mush with everything sloshing everywhere. I really shouldn’t have had so much wine if I had any hopes of sounding strong and confident. But what the hell? A chance is a chance and I’m taking it.

I open my mouth to speak, but bile rises into my throat, making my head spin like it did when Mom took me on that crazy Ferris wheel ride when I was ten. It felt like the earth had turned upside down, inside out, then around and around and around and…

I cover my mouth and bolt.

I run as fast as I can and as straight as I can to the bathroom. I nearly fall over as I run through the door but make it to the toilet just as I heave. Then I’m on the floor, hugging the toilet so it stops moving away from me.

Before my next thought can form, I’m throwing up everything I’ve ever eaten in my life. But I have enough awareness to be thankful I made it in time and didn’t barf all over Jaxon or in the room.

Shit. This is so fucking pathetic.

Suddenly, my hair is being moved out of my face and held back. I realize it must be him. He’s here with me. At my worst.

Thank God the grossest part seems to be over, but I still feel so disgusted with myself. I’d bet Estelle would never do this.

I’m thankful again when the vomiting stops completely. At least I can salvage some of my dignity.

Jaxon flushes the toilet and moves me away so I’m leaning against the wall. Then he grabs a towel and runs the cool tap over it.

I gaze up at him as he returns to me, kneels in front of me, and wipes my face. The cold, wet towel soothes the burning across my skin, and I want to sink into it.

He folds it and leaves it resting on my forehead then returns to the sink to fill up one of the little glasses with water.

When he comes back with it and hands it to me, I gulp it down, feeling desperate for the coldness to soothe my insides.

I feel like hell, and I don’t know how I’m going to get up. He sets the glass on the floor, and I think he may leave me. But he doesn’t.

He picks me up and positions us so he’s sitting on the floor with me curled in his lap and resting against his chest. I feel so small against him when we’re like this.

Jaxon holds the towel to my head and pulls me close to his steady beating heart, stroking my back.

“Is this better?” he whispers across my skin.

“Yes.” My voice is just a notch lower than his.

“Tell me what you want.” He maintains the same soothing tone.

I lift my head slightly so I’m looking at him, but he’s looking ahead of us.

“I want to go to med school,” I begin. “And I want to know that my sister is safe.”

He looks at me now, his gaze unwavering and tender. “Don’t worry about either of those things.”

“But I have to. I?—”

“No. I need you to trust me. Can you do that?” He searches my eyes.

Weeks ago if he’d asked me the same question, I would have said no, but I think in my heart, I would have been able to trust him. I do wholeheartedly now. “Yes. I trust you.”

He gives me a small smile and plants a kiss on the bridge of my nose. “What else do you want from me?”

I shouldn’t be surprised he knows there’s more. But those are the parts that expose my open heart.

I pull in a breath to clear my mind then take the leap of faith and decide to tell him. “I want you.” The confession comes easy. Easier than I thought possible. “And I don’t want to share you with anyone.”

“You never have, and you never will.” All I see when I look at him is truth. “I’m not with Estelle. I’ve never been with her. And I’m not with anybody else. I’m with you. You’re my wife. You will always be my wife. Not a contract.”

A tear slides down my cheek and I realize, even though my head is spinning, just how badly I wanted to hear him say that. “Do you really mean that?”

“Always.”

I reach up and touch his beard.

“I guess you’re not leaving, then.” A trace of a smile pulls at his lips.

“No.”

I rest my head back on his chest and close my eyes, falling into the sound of his steady beating heart.

It feels like it belongs to me now. The same way mine belongs to him.