Resist Me

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

West

“West and Lincoln kissing in a tree!”

Ah, there was my lovely sister. Had I thought that I missed her in the past week? Clearly, I’d been delusional.

“Get the hell out,” I demanded.

“But you guys are so dang cute.”

Linc offered me a shrug while he tossed a handful of popcorn into his mouth. One would think that watching a movie in my room with the door closed meant we wouldn’t be disturbed, but this was Willow we were talking about. If she was bored or wanted attention, she’d find a way to get it.

“We could’ve been naked in here,” I pointed out.

She gasped dramatically. “Weston Alexander Densmore, did you let Linc steal your innocence?”

“Alexander,” Linc repeated through a mouthful of popcorn. “You have a long ass name.”

“Why are you ganging up on me?”

“Relax. You’ve been freaking out about Willow for a week. You told me you were going to give her a piece of your mind and, what else? Oh, yeah. You’re gonna break Rick’s kicking foot if he continued to hold her hostage.”

I shot him an exasperated look, which matched the one Willow was giving me. She crossed her arms over her chest and took another step into the room.

“Rick is nice. Don’t pull some overprotective brother act.”

It was impossible not to roll my eyes. “I don’t care what or who you do but the moment I have to start asking other people if you’re even alive, we have a problem.”

“Well, you were being overbearing and insufferable.”

I didn’t know if I was more angry or hurt by that statement. Her expression didn’t change at all, so I assumed she’d meant every word.

“How have I been so bad that you’re going out of your way to avoid me? Is it because I care about how you’re doing every day? Or maybe because I didn’t hesitate to stretch my budget to its max so that you could come live out here with us.”

“You don’t get to hang that over my head. I didn’t ask you to.”

“That’s not why I’m saying it,” I sighed. “I care, Willow, and I need you to acknowledge that sometimes. The last week has been hell. It’s like being home again.”

She scoffed and turned around. Linc said something, but I ignored him and headed after Willow. Before her door could close, I stopped it with my hand.

“What is going on with you?”

“I don’t need you micromanaging me,” she snapped.

“Get a job, don’t get a job, I don’t care. You’re only hurting yourself in the long run if you keep relying on Dad’s money, but that’s your decision. All I’m asking is to know that you’re not freaking dead.”

“At least Dad didn’t pester me like this.”

“Because he doesn’t care!”

“Yes, he does,” she shouted in return. “He just sucks at showing it. I know he’s hurt you and I get that you don’t want him in your life. That’s fine, but he checks on me every day. Don’t say he doesn’t care.”

Shoving my hands in my pockets, I tried not to think about the fact that the only time he’d called me since I moved six months ago was to yell at me about Willow coming here. Not a text to see if I’d made it safely, not a question about football or my dorm, not a damn word.

“He doesn’t deserve for you to defend him,” I muttered before turning around.

“He’s trying.”

I came to a stop. My vision blurred slightly and my body trembled with various emotions, all of which pissed me off.

“Trying,” I repeated, nodding slowly. “Was he trying when he broke my nose and told me I was too stupid to be his son in eighth grade because I got a C in biology? Was he trying when he gave me a concussion, then passed out drunk on the couch and I had to freak out about going to sleep because I was scared I wouldn’t wake up? Or when he told me how much our mom would’ve hated me. He said it was a good thing she never got to see me grow up to be a disappointment.” My voice cracked and I couldn’t blink away the emotions that burned in my eyes. “You don’t know everything, Willow.”

“I was there too.”

Whirling around, I leveled her with a look so intense that she dropped her gaze. “No, you weren’t fucking there. Most nights, I was calling everybody we knew and running around to figure out where you were. I barely slept because when I closed my eyes, I saw all the horrible things that could happen to you. I pissed off Dad a little extra every time you did something that would get you in trouble because I was terrified that one of those times, he might turn his anger on you. And if he did that, I would have killed him. I’d take every hit for you. I have taken them for ten years. God forbid I care, Willow. I guess I thought you did too.”

Her own tears made a path down her cheeks. “West.”

Shaking my head, I left the room. I slipped on a pair of slides by the front door before I flung it open. A deep voice called my name, either Linc or Kai, but I couldn’t be around them right now. I was angry and I’d probably lash out. I didn’t want to turn on them. It wasn’t their fault, but I knew that I’d probably do it anyway, unable to stop myself.

That was what scared me, part of why I didn’t want to get close to Linc. One of these days, he’d get tired of how difficult I was, how angry I got, how much I wanted to fight sometimes, to release all of this pent up shit that’d been growing for so long. I would hurt him and then, how could I keep denying that I was better than my dad? Maybe his abuse succeeded in turning me into the person I hated the most. And that was a fucked up sort of irony, which made me keep walking with no destination in mind.

*****

It was easy to get booze as a college student. All you had to do was offer someone fifty bucks and they’d pop into Walmart to grab you a bottle. Who needed laws when you felt depression ripping a hole in your chest?

After taking a long drink, I laid back in the grass. It was damp because Seattle was a gloomy bitch. The light drizzle had been going on for a while and the rain was cold, but it wasn’t enough to soak through me. The vodka helped warm me up, or at least to feel like it.

The clouds shifted just enough for me to catch a glimpse of a few stars. The field was mostly dark, only a few lights around the perimeter offering enough of a glow to see what was around me. I stared up at the sky, wondering what it would be like to live up there. Being an astronaut sounded boring and I’d definitely go crazy and start talking to myself. I already did that, but it’d grow to a concerning level.

My stupid brain went back to the day we’d sung karaoke at our place. I found myself wanting to hear Linc sing again. Would he play the piano while he did? I wondered if he would play guitar if I asked. That would be hot.

I sat up enough to take another drink before I started singing the best line, “I’d rather take my whiskey neat.” I didn’t hit those notes the way he did, but it didn’t matter. There was nobody here to judge me.

“Has anyone told you that you sound like a cat in labor?”

I jumped a little. Craning my head backward, I watched Sen approach. He looked kind of funny upside down, which made me laugh.

“You found me. Are you with the CIA?”

He snorted as he sat down beside me. “Sounds like you’ve had a lot of that.”

I held the bottle out to him and he took it. He surprised me by taking a drink .

“Seneca, I dare say we’ve corrupted you.”

“You’ve seen me drink before. You act like I’m some innocent kid because I was scared of dicks my whole life.”

“I’d be scared too. Kai was blessed by the hog gods.”

“Uh, should I be concerned that you’ve seen my boyfriend’s dick?

With a laugh, I turned to face him. He laid back and settled on his side.

“When we were seventeen, he got way too drunk at a prom afterparty. We got back to his house and he refused to go to sleep until he showered. He almost died, like, five times, so I had to help him. It was a bonding experience, for sure. We’ve both seen each other’s dicks.” I shrugged and took another drink.

“Sometimes I think he’s too perfect. Even with everything he’s been through with his dad, he’s just so kind.”

“He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met,” I agreed. “He’s not perfect, but he’s damn close.”

“Lincoln is up there too.”

I looked at the sky again. “Yeah.”

“I heard what happened. He was trying to hide it, but he was freaking out. We all went out to look for you.”

“Where are they?”

“We went in different directions. Kai wanted to argue because he thought you’d be here, but I convinced him to let me check.”

Glancing sidelong at him, I tried to read his expression. He looked calm, but he was fidgeting.

“What’s on your mind, Sen?”

“I just thought it might help if I found you. Kai can fix almost anything, but he could never understand what it’s like to have parents that don’t love you the way they should. All he can do is empathize, which I adore him for. It’s not the same, though.”

The tears came again and I hated it. Crying didn’t do any good. The alcohol was supposed to drown it, but now it was making me more emotional.

“You can’t fix it either,” I pointed out.

“I’m not here to fix it. I just think you need someone who understands, to a degree. We have different versions of similar pain. Someone who hasn’t lived in this dark, ugly place you’re trapped in right now just can’t understand what it actually feels like. I don’t tell Kai how hard it’s been because he’ll want to fix it and he just can’t. I’m working through it, trying to heal as much as I can.”

“How do you do that?”

“Well, I’m in therapy, which helps. A lot of it is actually letting myself feel it and thinking about what I want for my future. My parents want nothing to do with me, but I’ve thought about it a lot since December. If they came around someday and wanted a relationship with me, I don’t know if I’d let them back in my life. And that makes me feel like a really bad person, but sometimes, the way someone has hurt us is too deep to come back from. I do wish the best for them, but what I’ve endured because of them, my whole life and since I came here, will always affect me. But an apology wouldn’t fix it. I’ll never have my parents in my life and now that’s my decision.

“I know you hate your dad, but I also know there’s a piece of you that is still desperate for him to love you; to tell you that he loves you. And that part might be the hardest. It’s a fucked up sort of longing because you’re asking for something that will very likely just hurt you more. I’m not saying you need to let go of it. I know it’s not that simple. What you need to do is stop letting him take away the things that are good for you.”

“Like Linc.”

“Yes. And Kai. He’s worried about you, but you’ve been pushing him away too. He tries to take on too much of other people’s problems.”

“I know. I don’t want him to hurt because of me. I just feel like I can’t stop hurting people.”

“You’re not your dad, West. Whatever you and Willow went through, it obviously has different effects on you. She has her pain and you have yours. It doesn’t make either less valid. You want to protect her, but who’s been protecting you, West? If you don’t let anyone be there for you, don’t you think they’ll feel the same way you do right now when all you want to do is be there for your sister?”

“You sound a lot like Kai. Are you wearing an earpiece? Kai, if you can hear me, I take back what I said about your dick. It’s ugly just like your face.”

Sen shoved my shoulder, laughing lightly. I smiled for only a moment before reality broke through again. What he’d said did help, but it didn’t change anything going on with Willow. I knew that she was an adult and I couldn’t control her. I didn’t want to be on her ass, but the worry ate at me.

“Are you ready to see them?” he asked.

After a deep breath, I rolled to my feet. When I stumbled, he grabbed onto my arms to steady me.

“Feet were not made for drunk people,” I noted.

“You know, West, you might be certifiably insane.”

“Can you get me that in writing? I want to hang it on my wall.”

“We’ll all sign it since I’m pretty sure they’ll agree.”

I looped my arm through his with a smile. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?”

“I don’t know, man. Hey, you know that song by Harry Styles? The…” I snapped my fingers repeatedly. “The one on TikTok. Well, you’re singing that with me while we walk, otherwise I’ll probably get sad again and throw up.”