Rise of a Fallen Man (A Look in the Mirror #2)

Chapter 22

Salas

Q ueen Anna was in the room when we entered, along with other high-born ladies, but the only one I could see was the princess.

Her expression remained unaffected. She’d always been good at maintaining her composure in public. Her serene gaze betrayed nothing. Only her lips parted slightly, silently forming a word so subtly, only I could read it.

“Salas.”

My name.

The queen greeted the ladies, then directed her attention to me.

“I never had a chance to properly thank you for helping my daughter—”

“For saving my life ,” Ari corrected.

The queen gave her an indulging smile. “For saving the life of our crown princess.”

I’d never been in the same room as the Queen of Rorrim Queendom before. Until now, the closest I’d come to our monarch was a glimpse of her in the arena. Before I came to Egami, I’d only seen her in pictures.

In a casual lavender dress, with only a modest diadem for a crown, she looked more approachable than ever. Possibly, I’d be more intimidated had I not been so destructed by Ari’s presence.

I bowed to the queen, stealing another glance at the princess.

“Thank you.” Ari smiled softly.

She looked tired. Her bright summer dress embroidered with lilies-of-the-valley with a green sash tied under her breasts couldn’t hide the shadows of exhaustion on her face.

“It is my duty to protect you, Your Highness.” I bowed. “I trust you’re feeling well?”

It was killing me to act detached and formal, when I wanted to gather her in my arms, put her in my lap, and kiss her scars, both visible and not.

“I’m well,” she replied. “Did you receive my thank-you note?”

As promised, Ari had sent me an update on her recovery from the ordeal in the arena. She also included a large bouquet of white roses and a dozen of priceless silk satin shirts. The note said the shirts were to replace the one she’d ruined during her last visit to the gladiators’ quarters.

“Yes, I greatly appreciate the note and the presents. I’ll never run out of shirts now.” I grinned.

Her polite smile grew into a wide grin, too. “You’ll never have to wear any other shirts at all.”

I tilted my head, peering at her closely. Was my princess jealous?

“Well,” Lerrel stepped forward. “Our Mountain Bear is double the hero, Your Majesty.”

Upbeat, proud, and as boastful as ever, Lerrel’s attitude didn’t let anyone in on how much stress she’d been through in the past four days.

The mortal danger that thousands of spectators, including the royal family, had been subjected to at the last games threatened to close our entire establishment for good, and the games master had been working day and night, trying to get to the bottom of what had happened in the arena that day.

The initial investigation conducted by Madam Trela’s people in collaboration with the royal palace uncovered that our performance had been deliberately sabotaged. The show animals had been agitated on purpose as traces of unknown substances were discovered in their food. Some of the safety mechanisms had been compromised or disabled. And there were reasons to believe that someone familiar with the show and the arena had done all of that.

Lerrel had been trapped between the necessity to uncover the truth and the need to bury it for good in order to save the games.

Her attire might be as bright as ever, her attitude upbeat, and her smile brilliant and wide. But I knew that she’d used the gladiators’ stage makeup this morning to conceal the dark circles under her eyes left by the many sleepless hours she’d endured lately.

“Not only did this man save the princess, but he also helped to apprehend the murderer who was justly executed this morning,” Lerrel announced.

“It was also you?” Ari gasped softly, her carefully created neutral expression slipping off for a moment.

“Oh.” The queen’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You truly are an exceptional man, aren’t you?”

“Thank you, Your Majesty.” I bowed my head.

“And the crowd’s favorite,” Lerrel inserted quickly. “Raeb is our star of the show. Rightfully so. He’s strong, kind, and of stellar character and reputation. He was recommended by the most honorable lady chamberlain, and she had never been wrong about any of our boys.”

With the mention of her title, the lady chamberlain pressed her lips into a tight smile, avoiding eye contact with me.

“And as we have recently discovered,” Lerrel continued to sing praises in the same voice she used when making dramatic announcements in the arena, “he’s touched by the divine magic that allowed him to defeat the dragon and rescue our crown princess.”

“Oh, about that...” The queen leaned closer to Lerrel. “How did he do that? How did he conjure the fire?”

Lerrel gave her a sly smile. “You know, Your Majesty, we have to keep our secrets in order for the show magic to continue to amaze our audience.”

She spoke as if she’d had the full control of what my reflection did that day, when in reality, Lerrel knew even less than I did how it all happened. She’d questioned me in detail, but I could only tell her the same thing I’d said to Ari. It all had been only an illusion. I didn’t actually conjure the fire. I reflected and amplified the flames of the worms.

“Just tell me, please, that he isn’t practicing any kind of forbidden magic,” the queen insisted. “It wouldn’t do for us to publicly honor a warlock like that.”

“Oh, absolutely not. I give you my word, Your Majesty, Raeb’s abilities are strictly of the divine nature. Our magic is of the purest kind.”

The other lady present in the room, the one I’d never met before and who hadn’t been introduced to me, seemed relieved.

“Well, that’s fortunate,” she said, adjusting the reading glasses perched on her head over her forehead. “It’ll save us the debate about choosing a medal recipient.”

“A medal?” Lerrel’s face lit up.

“Lady Etah is referring to the conversation we had earlier,” the queen explained. “We decided to bestow the queen’s medal on one deserving man during a ceremony tomorrow before the ball.”

Lady Etah drew tighter her colorful shawl around her shoulders that she wore over her flowing pastel-pink dress.

“Since both heroic actions happened to be conducted by the same man, there is no need to choose.” She patted my arm. “Congratulations, sweetie, well done.”

The queen turned to Lerrel. “I would like to officially invite you to the festivities tomorrow. Sorry, it is a bit of a late notice, but our planning has been a little chaotic lately, with everything going on. I hope all your boys can come. And maybe you could put on a little performance for us, if it’s not too much trouble.”

Lerrel’s expression brightened even more. Her chest puffed up with excitement. I was happy for her. After all that stress and worry, she needed a little recognition too.

“Absolutely, Your Majesty. It’ll be our honor. We’re always prepared to give the best performance ever.”

“Thank you. We’re going to have a lovely celebration tomorrow. Madam Trela,” the queen addressed the Head of the City Guards next. “You and your women are also invited, in recognition of your hard work when identifying and capturing the killer.”

Madam Trela pressed her hands in orange lace gloves to her chest, looking lost for words. Her cheeks glowed brighter as she curtsied to the queen.

“It’s a tremendous honor, Your Majesty.”

The queen smiled kindly. “The honor is mine, madam. Today’s execution wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you and your women. It’s only fitting to express our gratitude publicly, so the entire court can join me in thanking you.” She swept the room with her gaze. “I am looking forward to seeing you all at the palace tomorrow.”

It sounded like a dismissal. The meeting was over. Everyone bowed, expressing their gratitude for the invitations and looking ready to leave.

But I didn’t come here for a medal.

“If I may ask for a favor, Your Majesty,” I said with a bow.

The queen blinked, her eyebrows rising again. She clearly didn’t expect me to speak.

“A favor?” she asked. “Is there something you wish for? Well, as the hero of the hour, I suppose you can ask. What is it you want, young man?”

“Not for myself. I would like to request an investigation into the fun houses where Das worked in the past five years.”

I might be the only person left who knew Das before he became a murderous monster. I owed it to him and to others who might still be suffering to find out what horrors he’d gone through before he started inflicting the same horrors onto others.

“Who is Das?” Confused, the queen glanced at Lerrel and Madam Trela for explanation.

Madam Trela cleared her throat. “The killer we executed this morning, Your Majesty. His name was Das.”

“The killer? But what is there left to investigate? He was found guilty beyond all doubt. You caught him in the act, didn’t you?”

The queen stared at me, as did the princess. Ari clearly didn’t know until today about my part in apprehending Das.

“I did.” I said. “I stopped his attack on Madam Einna, the merchant from the Tresed Queendom. I wish I was there to stop him from murdering his previous victims too. But Das was not born a murderer. His past must’ve driven him to it.”

“You want us to look deeper into his past?” Madam Trela asked.

Ari shifted uneasily. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

She must be worried about how much of my past such an investigation might uncover. But I had to risk it.

I looked into Ari’s eyes, now speaking directly to her. “I saw Das’s face up close. The scars like his can’t be a result of a single accident. Someone inflicted injuries to his body regularly, with various weapons or instruments. The people who did it are still out there, possibly hurting someone else.”

Ari nodded with understanding.

“Madam Trela.” She turned to the Head of the City Guards. “Why did you never include the killer’s scars in the description that you gave us?”

“I didn’t?” The woman looked flustered. “I’m so sorry. It must’ve been an accidental omission.”

“How could you ‘accidentally’ forget about the suspect’s most unique feature?” the queen wondered.

“It’s rather of a disturbing nature, isn’t it?” Madam Trela cleared her throat nervously. “I didn’t want to upset Your Majesty or Her Highness with such a grizzly detail.”

“Details like that could mean life or death, Madam Trela,” Ari reprimanded gravely. “Please don’t omit them in the future. Do you know how he got his scars?”

Lady Etah spoke before Madam Trela had a chance to answer. “Could it be that a man like him thrived on violence way before he chose murder as an outlet for it? I’m sure he got into fights more than once during his turbulent, misguided life.”

“If that’s the case,” Ari said, “it’d be easy enough to prove, wouldn’t it? We’ll just need to talk to the fun house where he worked before his last place of employment.”

She glanced at me, and I nodded, letting her know it wouldn’t put me in danger. I hadn’t worked with Das for many years.

“Well,” the queen intervened. “The purpose of our celebration tomorrow is to honor the good, positive things happening in our queendom. If there is a need to investigate the past of an executed murderer, I trust my guards will identify it.” She extended me her hand in parting. “Thank you for expressing your concern. I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

Lerrel tugged at my sleeve firmly, signaling it was time to leave.

Ari slipped her arm into the crook of Madam Trela’s elbow. “I’ll walk with you, if you don’t mind, madam.”

“Of course, Your Highness.” The Head of the City Guards looked a bit stunned by the princess’s attention, but she allowed Ari to lead her out of the room, following Lerrel and me.

“Well, that went well,” Lerrel chatted excitedly in a half-whisper, dragging me along the corridor toward the main hall. “You’ll get a metal, and the games will live another day. We’ll need to figure out what the fuck we’re going to perform tomorrow. There’s really no time to prepare anything new.”

Tuning her out, I focused on what Ari was saying to Madam Trela behind us.

“...I request you’ll look into it immediately.”

“You want me to go ahead with this investigation, Your Highness? Without the queen’s direct order?”

“Yes. Please go ahead with it on my order alone for now. You’ll report the results directly to me too.”

She did it. Das’s past was going to be investigated. Ari believed it was important.

“Raeb?” Lerrel tugged on my arm. “We need to hurry. I have a show to pull off in less than twenty-four hours, remember? And I still need to stop by at the palace stables to see if we can use their horses tomorrow instead of bringing ours all the way out here.”

“You don’t need me at the stables, do you? I’ll wait for you in the carriage.”

“Are you going straight to the carriage right now?”

“Right after I’ll say a quick thank you to Madam Trela for talking to the queen about me. I didn’t get a chance to do it during the meeting.” Lerrel seemed to hesitate, so I added quickly, “It can’t hurt to stay in good graces with the city guards. We shouldn’t take for granted good relationships with anyone in our current situation, should we?”

“Goddess knows you’re right.” Lerrel heaved a sigh. “You may be my best bet to salvage this shitty situation right now. Without you, we’d be done the moment the princess was taken. If she didn’t survive—”

Not wishing to contemplate the scenario of Ari not surviving that day in the arena, I placed a supporting hand on Lerrel’s shoulder. “It’ll be all right, master. We’re getting a medal tomorrow. You saved the games.”

“May Goddess hear you and help us.” She patted my hand on her shoulder. “Go, be nice to the Head of the City Guards, then go straight to our carriage. The last thing I need right now is someone catching you loitering in the queen’s palace unsupervised. I’ll see you in a few minutes. It won’t take me long.”

I had no plan. All I wanted was to see Ari one more time before leaving the palace. The most I hoped for was to say hi to her without people policing every word or gesture passed between us.

The voices from the corridor behind me had quieted by now. Then I heard a door opening and closing and several sets of footsteps spreading in different directions.

Did I miss my chance? Had Ari departed along a different corridor?

As one set of footsteps approached, I stepped from the main hall into the one crossing it to get out of sight of the person approaching. If it was anyone else but Ari, they didn’t need to see me “loitering” around.

The new corridor appeared to be guarded by warriors in old-fashioned, all-body armor on both sides. Then I realized these were just empty armor suits displayed from the days long gone, with Rorrim banners and historical tapestries hanging between them along the walls.

The footprints came closer, then the princess passed me by.

“Ari.”

She turned and saw me.

“Salas?”

No one ever looked at me the way Ari did, like she finally spotted sunshine at the end of a long, devastating storm. Her shoulders relaxed, her eyes lit up, her lips curved into a gentle smile.

“You...” She stepped closer, and my hands ended up on her waist as if that was where they belonged.

“Is it not enough for you to wrestle bears and dragons in the arena that you have to fight the serial killers in the streets too?” she scolded softly, cupping my face.

“Thank you. For the investigation.”

“It has to be done,” she said resolutely.

Yet no one of the important women in the meeting this morning understood that. Whatever happened to Das could be happening to others right now, but they were likely employed in fun houses, and saving lives of whores clearly held no value for the state.

Ari’s past had damaged her, but it had also opened her eyes to the things that even her mother couldn’t see. I sensed it in her the day I met her. She’d been my light after the storm, a breath of fresh air in the suffocating smoke of hatred, scorn, and judgment.

“Thank you,” I repeated. “And thank you for the shirts again.”

She smiled, not releasing my face from her hands.

“Do you know what it means, darling?” she said tenderly. “You saved my life. No one can question my taking care of you now. I set up a fund in the crown's name for you. The queen made a huge donation too. You will never want for nothing. For as long as you live.”

“Except that the only thing I want, I still can’t have.”

“What is it?”

“You.”

Keeping in my feelings for her proved impossible. Gods knew I’d tried.

She reached up to me at the same moment as I leaned down to her, and our lips met. I had no time to think or plan for it. The kiss just happened, and now I didn’t want it to be any other way.

Somewhere out there, like in another world, doors opened, people walked, their footfalls echoed through the grand halls and corridors of the palace. I didn’t want them to see us. I didn’t want this kiss to end.

Keeping my mouth on hers, I lifted her in my arms and walked her backwards into the hallway with the silent armored suits standing guard by the wall tapestries. The fervent desire to keep her all to myself for just a second longer guided me behind a long banner and out of sight of anyone who might pass by.

She broke our kiss as I leaned her with her back against the wall, but she wouldn’t take her hands off me, stroking my cheekbones with her thumbs.

“I want you, too, Salas. Never stopped. If it’s so wrong for me to want you, then why is it the only thing in life that feels so undoubtedly right?”

I couldn’t answer it for her. As for myself, I knew why.

Thinking about her had become as natural as breathing. I needed her touch and her kisses to sustain my soul, just as I needed food to sustain my body. Next to her was the only place I wished to be.

Because I loved her.

I loved her so much that I could never tell her that. My love was of no use to a princess. I could give her nothing when she deserved everything.

A stronger man would let her be. I crushed rocks between my hands in the arena, but I wasn’t strong enough to break the invisible thread that tied me to her.

She opened the buttons of her dress, and I helped her slide the fabric off her right shoulder. The red healing scars from the dragon’s claws marred her skin. I kissed along one jagged line. Breath rushed out of her. She sank her hands into my hair, keeping me close. Slipping my hand inside her neckline, I cupped her breast.

She stilled, pressing her lips to my temple.

It was wrong of me to kiss her, to stroke her breast, to trap her nipple between my fingers... It was wrong for me to crave the sensation of her skin under my palms. Yet it felt right, and I didn’t stop. I knew she wouldn’t stop me either, as I hiked up her skirt and slid my hand up her thigh.

“You know...” she whispered against the side of my neck. “It’s only your hands I think about now...” she lifted her head, meeting my eyes, “when I touch myself.”

Oh, gods.

“Fuck, sweetheart, you’re killing me,” I groaned, growing harder than a rock.

Ever since I left her bedroom, she had become my one and only fantasy. It was the most exquisite thrill to discover I was hers too.

I yanked her underwear aside to find her soaking wet already.

“You think about me as you come on your dainty little fingers, Princess?” I slipped my thick digit inside her, and her inner muscles gripped me.

“Yes...” she whimpered, rocking her hips against me. “I do.”

“Do you wish to have my big, rough hands on you?” I found her most sensitive spot and teased it with my thumb. She arched her back, her breath catching in her throat.

“Your hands are big...” She hooked her leg around my hip, opening wider for me. “But they’re never rough.”

She slid a hand down my stomach and past the belt of my pants, but I shifted away from her touch before she could reach my cock. If she touched me there, I feared I’d lose control. I’d fuck her until she screamed my name and I roared hers, until all of Egami heard us and the entire palace ran here.

Instead, I played her body with my fingers, delighting in her little whimpers and soft gasps of pleasure. This was the best music, the most glorious symphony I’d ever heard.

“Have you seen a man pass by here?” Lerrel’s voice suddenly invaded our space.

The games master was looking for me out there, but I had unfinished business. I had to see this intense, beautiful symphony play out all the way to its magnificent completion.

Ari’s eyelids fluttered close. She fisted my shirt on my chest, her whimpers growing into moans as she came undone.

Lerrel’s footsteps came closer, and I placed a hand over Ari’s mouth, working her with my other hand.

“Hush, sweetheart. Shh,” I exhaled into her hair as she came on my hand over and over, holding on to my shirt like to a lifeline in a stormy sea.

Slowly, she unclasped her hands, releasing my shirt. I leaned back, dropping my hand away from her mouth, and she opened her eyes.

Lerrel kept searching for me, explaining to someone out there, “...a big, bearded man in a nice shirt with horn buttons. You wouldn’t miss him if you saw him.”

“You need to go,” Ari mouthed.

A veil of regret fell over her gaze. I hated to think she regretted what had just happened between us, but I understood if she did. She was a married woman now. From my experience, not every woman viewed marriage as a binding commitment or a reason for monogamy, but if Ari did, she’d be feeling guilty about us now.

Her marriage meant nothing to me. It was a political arrangement that forced two strangers to share a lifetime, potentially depriving them both of a chance to find a true connection with anyone else. But if her marriage meant something to Ari, then it mattered to me too.

“I don’t want you to regret anything we’ve had, Princess,” I whispered. “No matter how many pure, noble men you’ll end up having in your life.”

“Should I call the palace guards, master?” a female voice sounded just outside of our hallway.

I couldn’t care less about being discovered. But Ari had a lot to lose to be seen with me like this.

“I need to go before they find me and you in here.” I tore myself from her and lifted the banner to go out there.

“Salas.”

With her dress undone, exposing her right breast, the hard bud of the nipple teased me relentlessly above her neckline. With her lips swollen from my kisses and her skin rubbed to a glow by my beard, she was the vision I’d keep with me forever.

“Salas,” she breathed out. “You’re still the only one. There has been no one else.”

Her words, quiet like a whisper of a breeze, slammed into me like a hammer.

“Why?” was all I could say.

“Raeb!” Lerrel shrieked, turning into the hallway. “By Goddess, there you are.”

I let the banner drop between Ari and me, concealing her from Lorrel and the rest of the world.

Ari’s secrets were safe with me. All of them.

Ari

“WHY?”

The word echoed in my head over and over as I listened to Salas’s heavy footsteps move away and die in the distance.

Why?

Sliding with my back down the wall, I sat on the marble floor of the hallway behind the banner and hugged my knees to my chest.

I’d never asked myself this question.

Why, despite my getting married, Salas was still the only man I’d ever been with?

I could’ve at least tried to sleep in Leafar’s bed on our wedding night. Maybe it would’ve made the matters worse between us sooner, but maybe some intimacy could’ve grown from that. I would never know that now because I’d never given it a chance.

Leafar accused me of avoiding him, and he was partially right. I felt more comfortable away from him than in his company. There was no natural pull that would bring me to him. Every minute I’d spent with him so far had been because of guilt or obligation.

Only now I understood the true source of all that massive amount of guilt that had been plaguing me. My struggle was not about keeping my loyalty to Leafar.

I’d been avoiding sex with him and fighting the expectations of two queendoms because the intimacy with my husband felt like a betrayal of my feelings for the former slave.

I never gave Salas a vow of loyalty. Yet in my heart, I stayed true to him and only him.