Rise of a Fallen Man (A Look in the Mirror #2)

Chapter 23

Ari

M aids fussed over me, putting the final touches on my outfit of the lacy white gown adorned with drops of aquamarine and a long, heavy train embroidered with gold and blue.

I sent a maid to Leafar’s rooms. “Please let His Highness know I’ll come to take him downstairs in a few minutes.”

The prince was supposed to meet me at the top of the grand staircase, but I wanted to greet him in private first, to gauge his mood.

Today was the last ball before the Olakrez delegation’s departure. Aside from his personal valet and a few loyal gentlemen-in-waiting, Leafar’s escort was leaving the day after tomorrow. I worried he might feel sad or lonely. He was probably fearful about the duchess’s threats too.

The enormous train of my dress dragged behind me as I walked along the corridor to Leafar’s rooms. It was hard to move in these clothes. Thankfully, today’s ceremony required more poise than agility on my part, and after all the outdoor ceremonies, I was supposed to change into a more practical gown suitable for dancing at the ball.

I found Leafar in his dressing room with a whole army of valets and groomers getting him ready.

“Your Highness.” He lowered his head as I entered.

The men in the room bowed too.

Dressed in white to match my outfit, Leafar already had a wide-sleeved shirt on with lacy cuffs and turquoise cufflinks. A waistcoat corset in blue-and-gold brocade tightly laced his torso with a gold cord at the back. A cameo pin of a horse carved from lapis lazuli in a gold frame sat deep in the ruffles of his voluminous cravat.

With his hair meticulously coiffed into waves and his chin smoothly shaven, Leafar looked like a prince from a fairy tale. But it didn’t escape me how pale his cheeks were or how nervously his eyes roamed the room, unable to settle on anything.

I searched for something to say to cheer him up and put him at ease. “I arranged to put a bid in for that baby horse you wanted.”

“The prized foal from Tresed?” He perked up.

“Right. That one.” I mentally congratulated myself for remembering to make the arrangements despite everything that had been happening lately. “The stable master said we have a great chance of winning it. My father will personally supervise the bidding process when it starts, and he’ll adjust our bid with every correspondence from Tresed.”

“Thank you.” He beamed, and I would’ve gotten him three baby horses, despite the ridiculously high price, if only that smile stayed.

Sadly, it slipped away quickly. Worry creased his smooth forehead.

“It’s time for us to go, isn’t it?” He snapped his fingers at his valet. “My coat.”

The man grabbed the white coat with gold buttons and shimmering embroidery along the cuffs and lapels, but I waved him away.

“You won’t need it,” I said to Leafar. “The day is warm.”

Leafar stared at me as if I’d just told him to go out in public naked.

“I can’t possibly show up at the ceremony in nothing but shirtsleeves,” he muttered, confused.

“You have enough layers on.” I gestured at his outfit—the shirt, waistcoat, long pants, and dress shoes with gold buckles. It left nothing but his hands and face exposed. “Any more, and you risk spending the day uncomfortably hot. But come, see for yourself.”

I opened the tall glass doors and walked out onto the balcony, inviting him to follow. With my train in the way, I couldn’t close the doors behind us, but out here Leafar and I had a little more privacy than in his dressing room filled with people.

“So, what do you think?” I lifted my face up to the morning sunshine. “Today is one of the last scorching-hot days of summer. It will start cooling off soon. But the weather will remain fairly warm well into the fall. Rorrim is north of Olakrez, as you know. The climate here is significantly warmer than what you’re used to. It’s fine to lose a layer or two of clothing, even for men. I know for a fact that King Trebor is dressing down to a waistcoat, too, and so are his gentlemen-in-waiting. You won’t be the only one, if that’s your worry.”

He chewed on his bottom lip, staring out into the gardens. The ceremony site was on the other side of the palace. But even here, the servants had put the extra strings of lights in the gardens. At night, the lanterns will illuminate the entire grounds with a golden light.

“My aunt wouldn’t approve of my showing up in public in any state of undress,” Leafar said quietly.

Irritation at the grand duchess’ incessant meddling spiked in me once again.

“Your aunt no longer has any power over you, not unless you let her have it. You’re a married man now. You no longer depend on your family for anything.”

He glanced at me before quickly averting his eyes again. “Unless the consummation happens tomorrow in her presence, our marriage will be declared invalid. And then...” he drew in a shaky breath, “she’ll take me back to Olakrez.”

Would she really go through with that? There was no political advantage for Olakrez to reclaim their prince.

“I’ll talk to the grand duchess first thing tomorrow morning,” I promised.

He paled, turning almost as white as his cravat. “Don’t... Please.”

“I’ll have to,” I explained softly. “I can’t let her intimidate you like this.”

Having sex with Leafar was even less possible than before. Not after I saw Salas yesterday. But I had to carefully consider all implications of my refusal to fuck my husband for his aunt’s viewing pleasure. Our marriage might be a sham, already falling apart at the poorly constructed seams, but it couldn’t be annulled. I would not subject Leafar to shame and punishment from his family.

The Queen of Olakrez might feel upset about the lack of proof of our physical relationship. She might even use it as a leverage against me in our future negotiations, but I wouldn’t let her take her displeasure out on her son.

“You don’t have to worry about it, my prince. I will take care of it.”

His manicured fingernails scraped against the stone of the parapet as he turned to me with anguish etched on his perfect face.

“How can I not worry, Your Highness? I’ll have to go back to Olakrez and...” he swallowed hard, jerking his gaze back to the gardens, “face my mother.”

“Leafar.” I touched his arm, bringing his attention to me. “Why do you not believe me when I say that no one will take you back to Olakrez against your will? We vowed to trust each other. Why don’t you trust me to keep you safe?”

He looked torn, with a haunted expression in his cerulean eyes.

“How much can a husband trust his wife when he doesn’t have her love?” he asked.

I couldn’t lie to him, not even when I desperately wished to comfort him.

“It has never been about love between us, my prince. But I gave you a vow to protect you in front of this entire court, in front of your family and mine, and I will keep it.”

“Until your love for another will step between us,” he muttered, gripping the parapet.

“What are you talking about?”

“A vacant heart can always be filled sooner or later, and if it’s not with love for me, then with love for another.”

The words didn’t sound like his. I’d bet my crown, they came from someone else—his aunt, his family, or someone from his entourage—whoever had been feeding him all these insecurities.

But wasn’t there some truth to that too?

My entire being was filled to the brim with a strong, passionate feeling that never belonged to my husband.

Was it love?

My heart slammed against my ribs. The day suddenly felt even hotter and its sounds more acute.

That head-spinning sensation of falling that I always experienced when next to Salas, was it from my plummeting to my destruction?

Or was it the soaring thrill of flight?

Had it been love all along that filled me whole and lifted me without wings?

Was that how love felt?

Stunned by the realization, I blinked, turning away from Leafar’s questioning stare.

I had nothing to tell him, nothing at all.

Life seemed both more beautiful than ever and dreadfully tangled at once.

“We should go,” I said, licking my dry lips. “The ceremony is about to start.”

As we passed through the dressing room, Leafar waved away the servant with the coat. I could only hope he did so because he found the day too hot to wear it, not because I told him so.

GEM AND HER PEOPLE had outdone themselves, making the ceremony one of the most spectacular affairs that had ever taken place at the queen’s palace, especially considering how little time they had to pull it off.

After the procession through the gardens to admire the chocolate fountains framed by the islands of exotic fruit, the waterfalls of expensive wine, and the giant ice sculptures steaming with multi-colored glow from the magical substances added to the ice, we took our seats around a rink over a lawn, and the gladiators’ performance began.

Without the magic of the arena, the show relied solely on the men’s skills and agility. Other than the palace horses for the opening procession, no animals were involved in the performance, either. Instead, the gladiators demonstrated their skills with weapons in fighting each other.

Salas used his swords against Regit and Raob. Both the light, agile Regit and the stout, heavy-hitting Raob made worthy opponents. The victory over them didn’t come easily to Salas. His heavy breathing and the sweat-soaked brow were not an act as he finally raised his swords in the air after defeating them both.

The games master declared Salas the winner, and the Queen of Rorrim announced the great honor of awarding him the queen’s medal.

Mother placed on his shoulder the silver sash with the ribbon rosette that held the golden medal paved with precious mirror stones.

“For the incomparable service to the Crown and the Queendom of Rorrim,” she declared. “To the special man touched by magic.”

Music surged, but it drowned in the applause. The entire royal court and the guests of the palace stood to their feet, cheering and clapping.

Salas held his head high. Rolling back his shoulders, he swept his gaze over the rows of finely dressed nobles applauding him.

For a moment, our eyes met, and a shiver ran down my spine.

I loved him.

It was that simple.

Now that the warm, tender, but all-consuming feeling inside me had a name, I wished I could revel in it.

But all I could do, with so many people around us, was to smile and lift my fingers off my armrest in a tiny wave to show I was happy for him.

He deserved the honor, the admiration, and the applause. His tragic beginnings meant he had a much longer way to climb. But he made it. And he deserved it all.

“Did you petition the queen to award him the medal?” Leafar asked from his seat on my right.

“Me? No.” I shook my head, forcing my eyes away from Salas. “Why would you think so?”

“Well, he saved your life in the arena that day, even risking his own life to defy the dragon.”

“The queen saw it with her own eyes,” I replied. “She also got a report that he apprehended a violent criminal in the city. She decided his heroic deeds deserve the medal. Do you not think so?”

He dropped his gaze to his lap. “I dare not question the queen’s decisions.”

“But you can think on your own. You have the right for an opinion...” I let my voice trail off, distracted by the gladiators around Salas.

As he busked in the well-deserved glory, I caught a look Falo cast at Salas. It was brief but intense, like a furtive stab of a poisonous dagger.

The next moment, Falo’s expression shifted to sweet and flirty as he blew a kiss to Gem sitting next to Leafar and me.

If I caught anyone at the royal court throwing a toxic glance like that at me, I’d watch them carefully from then on. I had to warn Salas to watch his back. He might have enemies among the gladiators that he wasn’t aware of. As much as his rise to fame attracted the admiration of many, I imagined, it would also bring forth envy in some.

After the ceremony, the gladiators went to the rooms allocated for them in the palace to change for dinner. Salas was here not as a slave but as a guest of honor. As such, he got a room to spend the night at the palace.

At dinner, Salas sat at the same table as me, just a few seats down on the same side. He’d changed into a dove-gray shirt and a waistcoat in charcoal jacquard. A silver pin depicting two crossed swords on a round shield nested in his simple cravat.

Compared to the ruffles and jewelry of the men at the royal court, Salas’s outfit was modest, but it was elegant and suited for the occasion. He wore it well, too, with grace and not a hint of awkwardness about his surroundings.

From this position, I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t even see him unless I leaned over the table, but I felt his presence with my whole being, like always. The awareness of him was visceral. He was in my soul. Every cell in my body came to life when he was near.

Was it love that made me so acutely aware of him?

I never was in love before. I never thought it would feel like this, like a hurricane of thrill and longing, of passion and ache.

How could one hide something like this? I wished to scream to the entire world that he was mine. I wanted to go to him and to hold him like I would never let go.

Instead, I had to remain sitting and chat with the courtiers on topics of no importance like how hot the weather had been lately or how beautiful the gardens looked today.

Once the dinner ended, the party moved into the ballroom. The doors between several grand rooms were open, as well as all doors to the patios outside, expanding the space where thousands of people could dance to the music played by several orchestras positioned in different rooms.

As required, I opened the dancing by taking Leafar into the middle of the main ballroom. We were the first couple on the dance floor under the high cathedral ceiling.

My pale pink evening gown had a far more appropriate skirt for dancing than the white one I’d had on earlier today. The several layers of the light, gossamer material floated around my legs as I led Leafar in the cotillion. He followed me perfectly with the grace of a well-trained dancer.

“We only have one night, Your Highness,” he whispered so that other couples on the dance floor with us wouldn’t hear him. His sweet smile made it look like he was paying me a compliment, disguising the nervous urgency in his voice.

“I’ll wait—” he started, but I shook my head, stopping him.

“Don’t wait for me.”

I was married to one man while being in love with another. Nothing about this situation was fair. I had no one by myself to blame for marrying without love, then for falling in love so carelessly.

I never acted spontaneously. Every action I’d made, I had thought through. Every step I’d taken, I had valid reasons to take. And yet, there I was in a mess I’d created and pulled two men into it with me. Because I didn’t believe before that love existed. That was my biggest mistake. I didn’t foresee the things that could hardly be predicted.

No one could untangle it all now but me.

One thing was clear, however, I would never visit Leafar’s bedroom again. Making him believe otherwise would be a cruel lie.

“Don’t wait for me, Leafar. Get a good night's sleep tonight. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, after my audience with your aunt.”

At my mentioning the grand duchess, he swallowed hard and bit his lip. The influence of that woman over her nephew was strong. Maybe with her leaving the country, he’d learn to relax and find more joy in life. Right now, the poor thing looked anything but joyful.

“You know what? Why don’t you come to my living room after breakfast tomorrow?” I offered. “You can spend the morning there while I’m meeting with the grand duchess. Bring a friend or two to keep your company. Stay the whole day, if you wish. No one will dare bother you there, not even your aunt.”

“It’s very kind of you, Your Highness.”

“You don’t have to face her at all other than to say goodbye just before she leaves.”

The music ended. The prince bowed to me, allowing me to lead him off the floor and to the sitting area between two sets of open patio doors. My mother and father sat in armchairs, surrounded by a group of courtiers, including the grand duchess and a few of Leafar’s gentlemen-in-waiting.

“Oh, I can’t wait to dance again,” Father stirred in his chair.

“Patience, Your Majesty.” Mother patted his hand on the armrest. “You’ve just started to walk again. One step at a time, please.”

A valet handed Leafar the coat he’d abandoned in his dressing room.

“Put it on,” the grand duchess replied to his questioning glance. “Dress as a decent young man, Leafar. You’re not one of them.” She tipped her chin at the group of gladiators at the other end of the room. All of them were in shirtsleeves like many of the court gentlemen, including my father.

Indignity flared in me, scorching my chest. But Leafar obediently turned around, allowing the valet to put the coat on him.

“You look lovely tonight, my prince,” I said calmly, before turning to the grand duchess. “There is nothing indecent about my husband, Your Grace. His upbringing instilled the unshakable sense of propriety in him that nothing could corrupt.”

Sadly, that was as much as I could rebuke her in public without causing a scene and potentially a political fallout with Olakrez. Mother looked tense already, watching me with concern.

I didn’t insist on Leafar taking off his dress coat. Doing so would put him on the spot and undoubtedly result in an argument with the duchess when it wasn’t about her, or me, but about Leafar and his ability to stand up for himself.

There was strength in him. Though, his ways of getting what he wanted tended to be sulking and manipulation, but I hoped that with time, he’d learn to speak his mind and defend his point of view in a more straightforward manner.

Giving his aunt what she wanted, Leafar quietly moved away from us with the group of his gentlemen-in-waiting

One of the Olakrez ladies chuckled, pointing at the gladiators.

“Those boys are natural. Just look at them mingling with the nobles as if they weren’t of a low birth themselves.”

“They act like they belong here,” a gentleman scoffed.

Mother lifted her head. “Tonight, they’re our guests of honor.”

I smiled at the courtiers politely. “Some of those ‘boys’ did more for the queendom in the past few days than many people of the court have done in their entire lives.”

“One of them saved our daughter’s life,” Father reminded everyone. “Wouldn’t it be lovely, Your Majesty, if you asked our hero to dance? I’m afraid no one had asked him. One would think his card would be filled by now, but I haven’t seen him dancing yet.”

The dance floor had filled quickly. Gem danced with Falo. The games master and her husband were also there, swirling in the quadrille.

“I’d rather stay with you, dearest,” Mother cooed, not letting go of Father’s hand. “But I’m sure Princess Arini would welcome the chance to express her gratitude to him for saving her from the dragon. What do you think, my dear?” She looked at me.

“If you insist, Your Majesty,” I replied quickly and headed across the room before anyone could object and stop me.

Was it reckless of me to accept Mother’s suggestion so eagerly? Was it careless of me to approach in public the man I loved in secret?

The music stopped as the quadrille ended. Now, all eyes were on me as I crossed the dance floor toward Salas.

He bowed to me, as did the men who flanked him on both sides.

“May I have this dance?” I offered him my hand as the orchestra played the first notes of polka. “That is if your card still has any space for me.” I tipped my chin at the sage-colored card pinned to his belt on the left. All single men at the ball had a card like that for the women to write their names in to claim them as partners for each dance.

“It’s full, Your Highness,” he rumbled quietly. “But only because I can’t dance any of that...” He gestured at the floor where the couples were gaining speed in a whirlwind of polka. “Despite my dance teacher’s best efforts, I’ve only mastered the waltz. They’re going to play it twice tonight. Both times, Lerrel already auctioned to the highest bidders this morning.”

Despite his words, he took my hand, as if accepting the invitation, anyway.

“The waltz is such a lovely dance, isn’t it?” I smiled, squeezing his hand. “There is no reason it can’t be played three times instead of two tonight.”

I lifted my free hand and snapped my fingers at the orchestra. The snap couldn’t be heard over the noise in the room, but the conductor caught my gesture over her shoulder and immediately halted the music.

“Waltz, please,” I ordered in the relative silence that followed.

She nodded and raised her arms. A new rhythm filled the ballroom.

Salas smiled as I led him onto the dance floor where the couples have regrouped to adjust to the change in music.

“The power of the crown princess,” he said.

“Sadly, that’s all there is to my power.” I sighed.

I was powerless to even tell the man I loved how I felt about him.

What would he do if he knew? Would he feel elated like me? Or would my love just add another complication to his life?

Doubts and hesitation entered my mind.

How did he feel about me?

Salas had been my rock in a stormy sea from the moment we met. He’d been my steady, unshakable support to lean on both in my thoughts and in real life. I knew he cared about me. But love was such a new feeling to me. I barely recognized it in myself. How could I tell it in others?

Meanwhile, our time together ticked away with every note of the waltz. It’d end soon, and I hadn’t said anything to him yet. We twirled around the dance room, Salas following my lead with unexpected lightness and grace.

“You’re a pretty good dancer,” I blurted out.

“For a man my size, you mean?” he teased.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you thought it, didn’t you?” He chuckled as I dropped my gaze. “You’d be right, though. With my size, I need to be exceptionally good at this. Imagine if I stepped on a woman’s foot. She’d probably be left with a limp for the rest of her life.”

Why was it so easy to talk to him about anything or nothing? I wished this dance would never end, and I feared it would end too soon. It was ending already.

“Salas, I...”

What could I say here, in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by the court that was always hungry for gossip? What could I do if my obligations tied me more effectively than chains?

The last notes of the waltz died, leaving us in a momentary silence. Couples bowed to each other, parting. Yet Salas still held my hand.

“What bothers you, Princess?” he asked, acutely attuned to my moods, like always.

I couldn’t give him an honest answer. With only the two of us left on the dance floor now, all attention was on us.

“I never realized before how short the waltz was,” I said with a neutral smile.

He bowed, leaning forward and bringing my hand to his lips in an elegant gesture.

“Meet me at the old barracks when the ball is over,” he said so quietly; I stared at him to make sure I hadn’t imagined hearing it.

He gave me one of his warm, comforting smiles and walked away without waiting for me to lead him back to the gladiator group.

Meet me at the old barracks...

My heart leaped with a thrill at the chance to see him without the entire palace watching us.

But how could I do it?

An even more important question was—should I?

Not even the strongest emotions could change the course of our lives. In our case, love could only bring pain and heartache, and in Salas’s case, a threat to his freedom and possibly his life.

It was reckless of me to fall in love with him. It’d be heartless to drag him into it with me.

My love was mine to bear. Alone. And in silence.