Rock & Roll Nights: The Lila and Rivers Edit

20. Lila

20

LILA

I watched him walk out, my jaw practically on the table in shock.

“Sorry, did I interrupt something?” the guy from last night asked.

I looked up at him, only now remembering that he was there and that he’d said something to me. Something about advice, wasn’t it? He’d shown up so suddenly that I’d barely registered his presence, and second later Rivers was throwing money on the table and storming way like this guy had somehow offended him.

“No, it’s fine,” I said faintly. “Um, you’re welcome.”

I didn’t know what the guy meant, exactly, and couldn’t even remember his name—had I ever known it?—but I didn’t want him hanging around any longer. I also didn’t know what I was supposed to do now. What the hell had this guy said that had set Rivers off? Did they know each other or something? Have prior history that made Rivers overreact? He’d been talking and laughing with me like everything was fine—like he hadn’t left me standing in the hall on my own last night—and then suddenly this guy shows up and...

Wait.

Last night when I was talking to this guy, Rivers had called me up on stage. Now the guy showed up again and Rivers stormed out in a huff. Was there something about this guy that specifically set him off? Or was it the jealousy I’d thought it must be last night? Could it be that Rivers had gotten so attached to me that he didn’t want anyone else talking to me?

Was he the sort of guy who not only had the tattoos and angst and rebellion, but also a healthy dose of protective jealousy? I’d thought I understood last night, but looking at it now, in the light of day and with a stack of pancakes sitting in front of me, I wondered. I didn’t know everything about Rivers, but I did know he’d never had a serious girlfriend. He didn’t keep girls around for longer than a single night, and I thought it likely that his bandmates were his only true friends. He didn’t seem to be close to his roadies or the techs on the tour and I’d only ever seen him doing meals with Taylor.

Neither of them had looked pleased to be there. I didn’t think I could count Taylor as one of his friends.

Could it be that he was just the sort of guy who didn’t know how to be close to people? Did he… not have friends or people he cared about?

Had I somehow crossed that particular bridge and become someone he wanted to hold onto?

Or was he just too dramatic to bother with? So used to being the most important guy in the room that he couldn’t handle a little competition?

Honestly, I didn’t know which was a better option. The thought that I might have burrowed through his walls and found a way to get under his skin had me practically glowing with sudden affection for him, but I wasn’t stupid enough to be sure I was right. We’d barely spent any time together. I’d only known him a couple days, and we’d spent most of that in a fake relationship, doing our best to fool the press.

But there had been that game we played the first night. The one where we told each other our secrets. And that afternoon spent cloud-gazing in a deserted meadow. The shock of his hands on my skin, the fire in his eyes when he touched me…

I shook my head, feeling both dazed and confused. I’d come on tour to win a contract, and had only agreed to the fake dating scheme because it gave me a better shot. Getting close to Rivers had been both a perk and a dangerous side effect.

I hadn’t been trying to build a real relationship with him.

The thought that I’d done it on accident was… unsettling.

Especially if having a relationship with him meant him stalking off in full-on brooding mode whenever something upset his balance.

Maybe I should swear off breakfast with rock stars, I thought. Go back to Nashville, where I knew what to expect and who to expect it from. Get myself out of this whole rock-and-roll world full of guys who did things that didn’t make sense and relationships that may or may not be what I thought they were.

Leaving, though, would mean walking away from my chance at a contract. Right now, I had a good shot at that contract, and I wasn’t the only one counting on it. Taylor had practically promised it to me and Anna was already starting to write new music for a possible album. I didn’t want to let either of them down—or myself. And surely this wasn’t so hard. All I had to do was keep pretending to be with Rivers and keep him on the straight and narrow.

The problem was, I was starting to have real feelings for the guy. And if I was right, he was getting more attached to me than I’d thought possible. Things were getting a whole lot more complicated than Taylor had probably intended. And I wasn’t sure how to protect myself from that.

I got up slowly, still not certain what I wanted to do, and walked toward the door. One thing was for sure: I wasn’t going to sit here and eat breakfast by myself when Rivers Shine had just walked out on me again. I’d go outside, get some fresh air, and try to get my brain working. Maybe I’d go find Anna and see if she had anything useful to say on the subject. I might also find Taylor and tell her that this whole thing was getting too complex. If I was lucky, maybe she’d let me out of the deal early for good behavior.

Except that would mean losing my right to spend time with Rivers.

I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, either. I might not like what he’d just done, but that didn’t mean I wanted to up and leave him.

Please see what I said above about having feelings for him. Those feelings wanted to be heard, not ignored. And they sure as hell didn’t want me running away from him. If I was being honest with myself, I wanted the opposite—to crawl into bed with him and feel his arms around me. Gaze up into those midnight-dark eyes and see them light with affection for me. Watch his lips curve into a smirk as he teased me.

Feel those lips on my skin. Feel him spread my legs and look into my eyes as he?—

I pushed through the door, still thinking, and came to a sudden, lurching stop.

Just in front of me, maybe twenty feet from the restaurant, Rivers was standing looking back at me, his expression torn between sorrow and something that looked a whole lot like resignation. My eyes rose to meet his and something passed between us...

And then a girl came running in from the side and threw herself at him like she knew him way better than I ever would.

I watched her grabbing at him while he tried to push her off, his eyes still on mine, but then saw him shake his head at himself and give it up. He turned to her, a slight smile on his face, and put his arms around her.

While I was left standing alone.

I whirled, my heart breaking, and walked quickly back toward the hotel. Of course. Of course there was another girl waiting in the wings. He’d probably had her on the side this entire time, and I’d been stupid to think otherwise. What had I expected? That I had somehow actually gotten deep enough under those walls to get into his heart? That he’d actually respected me or liked me or wanted me more than he wanted the millions of other girls constantly vying for his attention?

Had I really thought he had actual feelings for me, after everything I’d seen of him?

God, I was stupid. That man wouldn’t know the meaning of commitment or loyalty. He’d been proving that to the world for years. Hell, it was the very thing I was supposed to be fixing with that stupid fake-dating idea.

At least this helped me make my decision. I’d already been thinking about calling this whole thing off due to Rivers’ behavior, right? I’d already had a plan to talk to Taylor and drop it. Tell her it was too much. I’d gotten in too deep, and now I wanted out.

I wanted my equilibrium back.

And Rivers, it appeared, wanted to live a life where he was free to turn away from me and talk to other girls whenever they appeared at his side. He’d basically deserted me last night in that hallway, and really, I should have known right from the start. When we first got on tour, he spent entire days ignoring me. He didn’t want a girlfriend. He’d never wanted a girlfriend, and he probably didn’t even want a friend. God, what if he’d been laughing at me the entire time? What if he thought I was na?ve and silly and too gullible to know any better?

What if this had all been a big joke and he’d just been using me? The truth was, he’d only been hanging out with me because Taylor had told him he had to.

I’d just been another contract for him.

Well, now I was going to end that contract.

And that was all there was to it.