Rock & Roll Nights: The Lila and Rivers Edit

36. Rivers

36

RIVERS

T he first thing I remembered the next morning when I woke up was what I’d done at the party.

The second thing I remembered was the look on Lila’s face after I finished my announcement. She’d looked both shocked and resigned, like she’d suspected I might do exactly this and couldn’t believe I was going through with it. Her cheeks had flushed, her eyes going from deep and sad to something a whole lot more determined. Like she wasn’t going to let me get away with what I’d already decided on doing.

Though I noticed she hadn’t come after me when I left.

I breathed out slowly at that, letting it hit me right in the heart. I hadn’t wanted the company—not when I’d already made up my mind to leave the tour and everything included in the music industry behind—but I had to admit that I’d thought she’d follow me. It was just so her to see a problem and be certain she could fix it. She’d been that way from the moment I met her, and though I hadn’t thought she could ever actually fix me, there was a small part of me that had evidently been hoping she’d keep trying.

Maybe even that she’d succeed.

That part had died last night, though, when it waited around outside for an hour before finally realizing that she wasn’t going to show up. I didn’t know why she’d stayed inside. Maybe she’d realized that she couldn’t save me no matter how much she tried. Or maybe she’d just come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to be saved—that I was on my way to the bottom, where I’d always known I’d end up, and that I wasn’t going to accept anyone trying to stop me.

Though I guessed there was a possibility that it wasn’t about me at all. She may have just realized that she had better things to do with her time. Or that she didn’t care enough about me to keep trying.

I jerked out of bed, hating the thought, and put it sharply to the side. Why was I even thinking about her? Why did I care if she’d decided she didn’t want to save me?

I didn’t need saving.

I didn’t care about her.

She was better off without me. In fact, I was glad if she’d realized that. Maybe now she could move on with her life and do something worth her time.

It wasn’t my problem.

Today, I had other things to do.

* * *

I looked out across the group of smiling faces and found myself grinning in a way I hadn’t smiled in a long time. God, I loved this part. Every time I went on tour I did my research ahead of time, cataloging the cities we’d be in and then searching for orphanages and group homes in the area. Most small towns didn’t have them, but every so often we played a city big enough to host these sorts of establishments, and when we did, I got to do my favorite part of the job.

“So where are you taking them?” one of the employees asked, her voice hushed.

I turned to see an older lady, her face lined by what I knew had to be a trying job full of stress, and gave her my most charming smile. Her eyes immediately went glossy with that starstruck look I knew so well.

Perfect.

“Bowling,” I said quickly. “There’s a bowling alley just down the street, and I figured it would be the perfect place. It’s big so there’s room for all of them.” I leaned toward her. “I also already have the place booked out for myself. And filled with gifts for them.”

Her face lit up at that, and I almost laughed. These kids didn’t have much of their own, and the places that hosted them were almost always underfunded. They might have wanted to do right by the kids, but they might also not have the money, and they never said no to a day out for the kids and plenty of gifts for them to bring home.

This was the best thing I could do with my money. I already had everything I needed: a house, a big bank account, and food to eat. I had my band—or at least I had—and I had a career. But all the rest of it? Millions in the bank that I’d probably never use?

I’d never been able to find anything I’d rather do with it than helping the kids who didn’t have a mom and dad to help them.

“We’ll get them ready,” she said breathlessly. “And organize chaperones.”

I nodded once and watched her walk away...then turned back to the kids to see Matt, Anna, and Lila standing in the doorway. Lila and Anna looked hesitant and nervous, like they didn’t know what the heck they were doing here.

Matt looked triumphant, the asshole. When his eyes met mine, he shrugged and grinned like he had zero regrets for what he’d obviously done—telling the girls exactly where I’d be—and when his gaze slid sideways toward Lila, I followed it.

And found her looking at me like the fucking sun was shining out of my ass.

My heart stuttered and threatened to stop...and then started beating at triple its usual rate. I’d thought she was done with me after last night. That she’d given up and moved on. So seeing her here now, looking like I’d just become even more than she thought I might have been was...

It was like a balm to a soul that had been ripped to shreds.

And God, that scared me.

* * *

The bowling alley was a bigger hit than I’d thought it would be. I mean sure, I’d thought bowling would be good for the kids, and I loved the idea of taking them out for the day, but I hadn’t expected them to run shrieking toward the lanes, their faces alight with joy and their fingers grasping for the bowling balls in their racks. I certainly didn’t expect them to grab any adults in the vicinity—including Lila and Anna—and drag them along with them, chattering a million miles a minute and grinning up at them like they’d found a bowling alley that led straight to Heaven.

My heart grew about ten sizes in the space of ten seconds, and when the woman who ran the orphanage touched my arm, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Sorry,” she said quickly. “I just wanted to let you know how excited they are about this.”

“I noticed,” I said wryly. “They’ve never been bowling before?”

“We don’t usually have the time or money for this sort of thing,” she answered. “They see the bowling alley every time they go out, though, and have been asking for years to come. We just...” She gestured vaguely at the building and all the kids, her actions telling me exactly how hopeless it all was.

I bumped her shoulder with mine. “What if I set up a fund for them to go bowling once a month? I’d be happy to do it.”

It wasn’t a lot. It didn’t guarantee any of them the happy homes they deserved. But it could make the wait a little bit easier. And I had a feeling that this particular orphanage needed that sort of thing. The place had been clean and well-cared-for, the kids healthy. I didn’t think this was the sort of place that needed extra food or oversight, to make sure the kids found their way into better situations. But they could use entertainment.

And that, I could do.

I strolled away before she could answer, already knowing the answer was going to be yes, and before long I’d been pulled into a game with boys who looked to be about ten years old. They were telling me about the frogs that lived in the field behind the orphanage and the tadpoles they’d been raising in dishes inside when the creek dried up, and then about the birds they thought might be eating the frogs and a plan to build some sort of netting to protect said frogs. One of the boys, evidently an aspiring engineer, was going through the complications of the plan, and my mind was frankly spinning in circles by the time I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I looked down and recognized those fingers. The callus on the middle finger from playing guitar. The ring on the thumb. The particular color of bright pink polish.

I looked up into Lila’s eyes and couldn’t stop myself from smiling in welcome.

“Having fun?” she asked.

I stood up and took her in. God, she was gorgeous, her cheeks flushed and her eyes shining. “Better than a party. I’m learning all about their plan to save the frogs in their field.”

She made a face at that and eyed the boys behind me. “Saving the frogs? Have you already saved their tadpoles? You know they need to move into a safe spot before their water dries up.”

That was all it took. The boys grabbed at her and pulled her into their midst, all of them talking at the same time and telling her about the tadpole aquariums they had set up, and when they thought it would be safe to release them back into the wild. She was laughing and giving them tips she’d learned from her own childhood, then telling them about one particular frog she’d thought of as a pet, and I’d never seen anyone look so excited about fucking amphibians.

I’d thought the kids were over the moon when they were talking to me, but that didn’t hold a candle to how excited they were about Lila. They were looking at her like she was an angel come to teach them about frogs, and if I’d thought my heart had grown by ten sizes before, I didn’t know a damn thing.

She was taking to the kids like she’d had this whole thing planned right from the start, moving around them now to take her turn at bowling, and I wondered for a moment if she’d known we were going to be doing this today. Had she somehow found out early in the week that I was going to be doing this? Prepared herself to entertain a bunch of kids with no families and teach them the hard-earned lessons of her youth?

No, I realized. She wouldn’t have had to do that. She’d probably learned about it just this morning from Matt, that turncoat.

And she’d jumped right into it with both feet, ready to share herself with whoever needed a little sunshine in their lives. She wouldn’t have had to prepare. She just had to present herself. And she’d done it without thinking twice or looking back.

Because that was just who Lila Potter was.