Rock & Roll Nights: The Lila and Rivers Edit

39. Rivers

39

RIVERS

I crowded onto the bus with the rest of the band, despite the fact that I’d told them I was going to leave, because until the paperwork from my lawyer came through, I was still officially on the tour. I also didn’t want to let the guys down and leave them in a bad way for the next show, which was booked for tonight.

Leaving the tour was still the right thing to do. But taking care of my band—my best friends—was, as well. We’d spent too long watching each other’s backs for me to leave them high and dry now. I might be a bad boy and a rebel. That didn’t mean I was going to fuck my friends over. I figured I’d told them about my plans, and that was about all I could do for the moment. They had time to figure out what they were going to do—probably wrap Lila and Anna into the band, if they were smart—and how they were going to do it.

Until then, I’d be there to support them.

Once it was done, though, I was on my way out. I had a cabin in the hills around Knoxville where I was planning to hole up for a bit, a bank account big enough to support me through any break I might take, and... Well, I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t have one fucking clue what I was going to do now that I’d started down this road. But I figured that was what the cabin was for.

Sitting around by myself and deciding what my next step was.

I shied away from that thought as quickly as I’d had it, hating the idea of spending so much time with no one but myself and my thoughts for company, and dropped onto my favorite couch in the bus. Everyone else was already here: Matt, Noah, Hudson, Molly, Lila, and Anna. Those two had been included on our bus ever since they started performing with us, and I grinned to see Lila lounging in a chair, sunglasses over her face and her hair in a messy bun. She looked like the epitome of a rock star; carelessly elegant, like she’d just rolled out of bed looking all rock and roll. I was guessing she’d paused at least long enough to make sure she knew where we were going and what we were doing, though, and probably had her guitar stowed somewhere on the bus in case she wanted to write a song.

That was just who Lila was.

Anna, on the other hand, looked anything but messy. Her hair was neat and tidy, her eyeliner perfect, and she was writing in a journal like it was her freaking job. I didn’t think that girl knew how to take breaks. She was probably always planning something in her brain, getting ready for the next step.

She’d be perfect for Matt, who usually couldn’t keep track of both of his shoes.

If they made it work. I hadn’t asked him what was going on between them—didn’t really have time for anything but my own problems right now—and I wondered again if I should. Especially if I was going to be leaving the tour. I’d always been closer to Matt than the other guys, and a wave of guilt washed over me at the fact that I hadn’t even bothered to inquire about a girl he obviously found special.

Then again, I was a big enough jackass that I guess I should have expected it of myself. I’d go to the mats for Matt—for any of them—but I’d never been the one taking them chicken noodle soup when they were sick. It just wasn’t me. I didn’t know how to care for myself, much less other people.

One of Taylor’s assistants came around then, handing papers out to everyone, and I took mine and glanced at it. The truth was, I already knew what it was going to be. We’d run through the cities we’d already prepped for, which meant this was a new list of destinations.

I already knew what I’d see.

That didn’t make it any better.

Jonesboro was at the top of the list, right there above Kansas City. We were in the section of the tour where we hit the big cities, evidently. Not that I’d see any of that.

I’d thought we were still a couple stops away from Jonesboro, which was why I’d thought I could stick around for a couple more shows to support the band. I figured we had one or two small towns to get through before we hit the towering buildings and lights of Jonesboro.

The trailer parks on the outskirts of town.

The orphanage where women dumped their unwanted kids and probably never thought about them again. After they went back to their trailer park, where they probably still fucking lived.

I’d been willing to do the small towns leading up to Jonesboro. I wasn’t willing to do Jonesboro itself.

And just like that, my plans changed. I got up and made my way toward Taylor, who was sitting at the back of the bus. Dropping into the seat across from her, I reached over and grabbed her wrist.

She jerked and looked up at me like I’d just burned her, and maybe I had. I didn’t think I’d ever touched the woman before.

“I’m off the tour,” I told her bluntly.

She frowned. “You told me you’d do two more shows. We’ve been doing publicity based on that assumption.”

“And now I’ve changed my mind. I’m not playing Jonesboro. You’ll have to find someone else. As soon as we stop, I’ll find my own ride back to Nashville.”

I stood before she could answer and made my way back to my seat, popping in some earbuds and doing my best to telegraph to everyone that I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to lose myself in some music and forget about where we were going. Forget what had happened there—again and again and again.

And I didn’t need anyone else to try to try to pull me out of the slump I was heading for.