Room One Hundred and Nineteen: Watching Her (Club Sin: Seattle Session 2)

1. Elena Flores

1

ELENA FLORES

T he heavy picnic blanket beneath me was dusted with the sand that surrounded me, but that was bound to happen. The sun shined and warmed my shoulders, and I pulled my legs into me, resting my chin on my knees. I looked out at the bright blue ocean water. Water so blue that it reminded me of a particular doctor’s eyes. Then, just like that, while the waves slowly came in and then drew back the same way, three doctors filled my head.

“Mommy!” Betsy’s voice cut through the air, and I smiled. I waved at her and Mike while they tried to perfect the sandcastle they had been working on for the last hour. “Loook!” She grinned from ear to ear.

“You guys! That looks so good!” I praised. They looked at each other before high-fiving one another, then grabbed their buckets and ran off toward the shallow shore to get more water. My shoulders relaxed as I watched my babies play, and I realized breathing was just a little easier than it had been in a long time.

When the guys, the doctors, suggested I take their beach house for the long weekend, my first instinct was about to turn them down. I had a hard enough time staying away from them. Thinking about them as my guys, my doctors, my friends, was stupid.

Na?ve.

And I knew better. They weren’t mine. Not even close.

The three handsome, crazy-talented doctors on their own were completely and utterly out of my league. But since the moment I met them, then befriended them, it was like my brain, body, and heart had gone hay wired.

I didn’t know which way was up and which was down, what was right or what was wrong. I didn’t just have a crush on one—I wanted the three of them. The truth made me blush. I glanced at my kids playing in the sand. They were currently adding a tower to their castle, and my thoughts drifted back to Miles, Rick, and Josh. Again. Not that it was a hard task. It felt like when I wasn’t thinking about the logistics of the day, like the kids’ drop-offs and pick-ups, working enough to make sure to cover my bills, and a million other things, they were always at the edge of my thoughts. Who was I kidding? They were always flitting and floating through my head.

I kind of hated it. But not really. Because I was pretty sure I was in love with them.

Mike and Betsy ran toward me, and I grinned up at them.

“Mommy, can we go for a walk?”

“A walk?” I asked, surprised because I was pretty sure they weren’t finished.

“We want to look for seashells to decorate the castle with.” Now, that made sense.

“Okay, babies, let’s go.” I stood and reached for my swimsuit cover, then pulled it over my bikini-clad body.

Being a single, divorced mom wasn’t easy.

I knew better than to want for things that wouldn’t happen. But my stupid heart couldn’t stop thinking of them in a certain way. I was thankful for them offering the house. For their friendship. Even if that was all it could be, despite how my body and heart wanted so much more. I watched my twins bend and pick up shells, sharing them with one another, pointing out their colors and shapes.

It was the first vacation we had taken in a long time. Thankfully, he had moved and left us the moment the ink was dry on the divorce papers. I didn’t even care if it meant there was more financial strain on me since getting him to agree meant letting him sign his parental rights away so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. At the end of the day, whatever extra hours I had to work were worth it because we were better off without him. I didn’t need nor want any kind of ties with him. Even if that meant my kids didn’t have a dad. Not that I didn’t struggle with that. I did. I’d felt like a monster, but I’d had to face facts.

I glanced at the house behind me, and my lips crept upward. Josh Silver and his sweet tone talking me into agreeing to take the beach house played over and over in my head.

“Mom, can we go get a cookie?” Betsy asked, pointing at the house. I nodded, and they made a fast dash toward it, running with never-ending energy. I followed behind them, my attention focused on the white beach house with its dark brown shutters. The place was gorgeous. It was an oasis in the hurricane that was my life.

I walked up to the small fence and closed the gate behind me before I sat down on one of the lounge chairs they kept out there. From here, I could hear the kids in the kitchen grabbing a snack and a juice box.

Josh had cornered me in the locker room and insisted I get away with my babies. My eyes shut for a moment, and I could see him. His stormy icy blue, almost gray, eyes. That angular bone structure making up his handsome face that took my breath away. No sane woman could have turned him down. Then, because I was already heading down a twisted path, my thoughts drifted to the other two doctors.

I wasn’t sane. There was something seriously wrong with me. I wasn’t normal, wanting the things I did. And at the end of our little talk, I hadn’t been able to turn Josh down.

If I let my mind wander, I could still feel his hands on me. Josh’s hands were always slightly cool to the touch. No matter what time of year. Big and strong with slight callouses he’d held my face with. God, everything inside of me had wanted him to kiss me.

It was stupid.

Kissing a man, much less one like Josh, would have severe consequences. A kiss was never just a kiss. Not with a guy like Josh.

Or Miles.

Or Rick.

As much as I wanted to know the feel of his full lips, it would have ruined everything. Yet I’d stayed still. I hadn’t backed away or tried to push him away. I knew if I did, he would have let me. But in that moment, I’d been weak. Weak and needy. Josh’s touch was just what the doctor prescribed. So comforting, so soothing. I had wanted to bask in it for as long as I could. He’d caressed my face, and if I tried now, I swear I could still feel it.

It was stupid.

I was an idiot.

I shook my head and sighed before standing. If they knew, if they had any idea of the things I wanted, the things I craved, they would think I was sick. Three men and me? That wasn’t possible.

It’s not? a voice whispered as I walked into the kitchen and smiled at my babies. Hadn’t I just inferred that same idea to my little sister about her and her three bosses before I made my way to the beach?

The kids were sitting down at the table that faced the small backyard and the water. They were talking on and on about the castle. I worked on lunch while my head filled with all thoughts Josh, Miles, and Rick.

What would they think if they knew the way I felt?

Would they be disgusted? Maybe intrigued? a voice whispered. I shook it away.

No. My three docs kept me up late at night a lot, when dirty fantasies came to life, and I had no idea where they came from. The idea of the three of them with me, touching me, loving me… I wiped the sweat from my forehead. I knew it had nothing to do with the slightly muggy ocean air outside or the heat wafting off the stove.

I needed to remind myself that the three men who plagued my thoughts and dreams were way out of my league. Even if by some weird miracle I had one night, that would be all it could be. I had a feeling that somehow, that would be worse than the place I was in now. Because then I would know.

I’d know what six hands touching me, loving me, cherishing me would feel like. What their appreciating gazes on my bare skin would feel like. They’d devour me until I was left a puddle of bliss. They would most certainly ruin me for everyone else. I’d never have a chance of moving on from an experience like that. One that would more than certainly remind me that I was more than a mom or nurse or sister, that I was also a woman.

No. There was no way I could ever suggest or hint at something like that. Ever.

Maybe if I didn’t have the responsibilities I had, I’d be brave enough take a leap of faith. I’d trust them to take care of me and scratch an itch. If all I had to worry about were myself, I wouldn’t be greedy and ask for more. I wouldn’t want forever with them.

I turned to look at my kids. Mike yawned. I knew I had to get lunch done quickly so I could get them down for a nap, or else they would really snooze out on me and wake up in the middle of the might wide awake and ready to party.

I hurried and plated the mac and cheese they liked and walked it over to them, ruffling the top of their hair before pressing a kiss on top of each of their little heads.

I was a mom.

I was doing this on my own, and that was okay.

My twins always came first.

There was no way I could ever ask or wish for a forever with three men like my sexy doctors. Nope. Men like them weren’t tied to anything or anyone. They wouldn’t know what to do with the twins. It wouldn’t be fair for me to even think about a forever with one, much less three of them.

No, I couldn’t ask for a forever. How would I even explain that to the kids? There was no way they would ever understand something like that. No way, no how.

I was a single mom of two kids. I had my hands more than full. I didn’t need to think about the doctors like that. I didn’t need to let my heart and mind wander and hope.

My twins came first. Always.

And as much as it sucked, I knew for my own sanity come Monday, I would need to start putting some space between me and the guys.

They weren’t mine.

They couldn’t be mine.

And when the day came that each of them found someone, I’d watch from the sidelines and silently wish nothing but the best for each of the three men who had somehow unexpectedly stormed into my life and stolen my heart.