Ruthless Regret (Ruthless Games Duology #2)

Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

ASHLEY

“We don’t have to talk, if you don’t want to. I just wanted to check on you, and make sure you’re okay.”

Her words ease something inside me, just a little. She doesn’t push as hard as Jessa-Mae when she wants to know something, and I’m not sure I could handle that right now. Still, I can’t just ignore it either.

“I thought coming back was the right thing to do. It made sense. But it doesn’t feel right, Karla.”

She nods. “Can I come in?”

I step back, and she walks past me and settles on the edge of the bed.

“Just from the little you’ve shared, it’s obvious you’ve been through a lot the last few days. It’s normal to feel out of place, especially after what happened today.”

I close the door and join her.

“I guess. But it’s not just that. It’s like … I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I’ve spent so long running away from what happened, changing who I am, and now … Now I feel like I’ve spent the last fourteen years living … not a lie, but …” I shrug, frustrated. I don’t know how to explain it.

Karla reaches over, and covers my hand with hers. “You don’t have to figure it all out right now, Ash. You’ve only been back here a couple of hours. You’re allowed to take some time to settle in, no matter what Jessa says. No one expects you to bounce back to normal straight away.”

I nod, but I’m not sure I believe her. I know she’s trying to help, trying to remind me that it’s okay not to be okay. But tonight, I don’t think anyone can convince me that things are going to work out.

“I don’t know what I feel,” I admit, my voice shaking. “I thought … I thought coming back, coming home would be safer, but it isn’t. What if coming back here has put you and Jessa in danger?”

She squeezes my hand. “It’s normal to be worried. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t. But the sheriff said it was safe for you to come back here. He agreed that you’d be better off out of Whitstone.”

“I know, but what if he’s wrong?”

The words are spilling out faster now. “What if leaving Whitstone was a mistake? What if this is going to follow me everywhere I go?”

“Ash, you can’t think like that, otherwise it’s going to drive you crazy. Whatever happened today was about Zain, not you. No one is going to come after you. It’s probably someone who followed the original case and doesn’t believe he’s innocent.”

Guilt twists like a knife in my stomach.

If that’s the case, then it’s something else that’s my fault. Another thing Zain is going to have to deal with because of me. I’ve been telling myself that everything is his fault—because it is, right?

He’s the one who forced me into marriage.

He’s the one who manipulated me.

But he wouldn’t have done any of that if I hadn’t taken the stand and told the world he murdered my brother. None of that would have happened if I hadn’t been responsible for him losing his freedom.

Taking a deep breath, I turn to look at my friend. “There’s something else.”

I can feel the words preparing themselves in my head. The ones I’ve been avoiding. The ones that make no sense to me.

“It’s Zain.” I lick my lips, what I’m about to say sticking in my throat. But I can’t keep it locked inside anymore. “I slept with him.” The words leave me in a rush.

Karla’s eyes widen. “You … what?”

“We were arguing. And then … I don’t even know … we were fighting, and the next thing we’re naked.”

“Ash, did he …” Karla’s voice is careful. “Did he force you?”

“No! No,” I repeat softly. “Everything is such a mess. I don’t know how to feel about him. Part of me hates him for everything he’s done to me. For manipulating me. For forcing me to marry him … But, I don’t know if I hate him as much as I should. Not when he has good reasons for doing what he did.”

The words hang in the air between us, and Karla doesn’t reply right away. I wonder if she’s trying to make sense of what I just said.

Hell, I’m trying to make sense of it.

“Okay,” she says softly, after what feels like an eternity of waiting. “There’s no rule that says you have to feel a certain way, Ash. It’s okay to be confused. He put you through hell, but by your own admission, you did the same to him. It doesn’t mean your feelings have to be black and white.”

I shake my head. “I should just forget about him, and move on.”

“It’s not that simple.” Karla’s voice is gentle, but firm. “You’re still processing everything. You need time to figure things out.”

I let out a shaky breath. She’s right, but it doesn’t make it any easier. The confusion, the mix of anger, guilt, and something I don’t even want to name—it’s all tangled up inside me, and I have no idea how to start unraveling it.

“I feel like I’m losing my mind.” My voice is barely audible. “One minute I hate him, and want to hurt him, and the next …”

“The next you find yourself looking at him like he’s dessert in a fancy restaurant?”

I let out a choked laugh.

“That’s okay, too. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It means you’re human.”

“I don’t feel very human right now. I feel like I’m falling apart.”

Karla moves closer, wrapping her arms around me. “You’re not going to fall apart. You’re stronger than that. You just need time to figure out how to make all the new pieces fit. It’s going to take time.”

I rest my head against her shoulder.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to know everything in advance.”

“But I do … that’s who I am.”

“That’s who you were . You already said that the person you’ve been for the past fourteen years isn’t the real you. You need to figure out who you are first, then you can plan what to do next. Just take it a step at a time.”

I close my eyes, letting her words sink in.

One step at a time. I can do that.