Scars and Burns (No Light Without the Dark #1)

24. Dinalia

24

Dinalia

“ S aphrina, your magic is never going to develop if you don’t try” It’s barely light out and I already have Saphrina awake working on her magic lesson.

“Why does it have to be so early?” She whines. Shoulders slumped with her arms dangling at her sides.

I’m standing right across from her. Arms crossed over my chest. Trying to keep my composure. I’m not a teacher. I don’t have the patience for anyone else. I barely have it for myself.

Signing to myself. I have to rethink this. I can’t push her the way I pushed myself. She doesn’t have the drive.

At least not yet.

Doesn’t have anything to prove.

We need a place where she feels safe. Comfortable even. A place where her mind can be at peace.

I uncross my arms and walk over to her. Placing a hand on her shoulder. “Saphrina, is there a place you feel safe?”

She gives me a curious look. As if I’m crazy.

“Safe? What do you mean? Am I not safe here in the castle?”

“I don’t just mean physically safe. No one is going to attack you. At least not that I know of. And I will surely not attack you until you are ready to spar with magic. What I mean is a place you feel authentically yourself. A place you can be yourself.”

She scrunches her face. Moving her mouth to one side, thinking. “Um, no I don’t think so. I feel like myself all the time. Everywhere I go. I’ve never had to hide or shy away.”

I roll my eyes internally. Of course not. Even with the distress of her magic not coming to life. She has always still been able to fully be herself without judgment or question. Because she is the princess. She isn’t the judgee but the judger.

“What about you? Where did you practice your magic? Where do you feel like yourself?”

I remove my hand from her shoulder. Averting my gaze out the window of the drawing room. Walking towards it, looking out to the forest. I can feel her looking at me intently. Patiently waiting for my answer.

Finally I speak, “As you know Mother and I would hold my magic lessons in her garden.”

She huffs, “Okay, so that only answers half of it.”

She walks over to me. Joining me at my side. Looking out the window to the forest she’s never ventured into. She gives me a worried look before asking, “Dinalia, where do you feel like yourself?”

I stare straight ahead. Taking a deep breath and as flatly as I can, I say, “I practiced many places. Mother’s garden, my chambers, even the forest itself. That’s where I disappear for hours. I spend most of my time there alone and secluded.”

“Soooo??” She asks, still waiting for an answer. “Is it the forest? Is that where you feel like yourself?”

I look down, “The truth is Saphrina, I’ve never felt like myself because I don’t know who I am.”

She gawks at me, “What? But you’ve always been so confident. You’ve always seemed so sure of yourself. Walking around the castle with your head held high. Going wherever you please. Ignoring the gossip that surrounds you. Speaking to servants and nobles in the highest regard. Never once seeming to waver. Even in your lessons - magic, fighting, all of them really. You’ve always excelled.”

I’ve presented myself well. Maybe a little too well. Keeping it all together, all inside for no one else to see.

Sighing, I continue, “Excelling at things doesn’t make me who I am. I was grateful for King Elio and all my Mother had done for me. That’s why I worked so hard on my lessons. My magic and fighting were things I needed to do for myself. To fulfill a promise I made to myself when we fled to the capital city of Akino. I speak to the servants and nobles in the same regard because I believe they both deserve that respect. Needing to maintain my reputation among the nobles if I ever wish to marry. The servants do not deserve to be spoken down to just because they are of a lower class. Just because they were given different circumstances in life than us. Perhaps, understanding that for myself a bit more than you. I have to ignore the gossip that surrounds me in the castle. It will never cease. I cannot escape it but I can rise above it. If not, it would have consumed me.”

She thinks on this for a moment. Her eyes dart in every direction but meeting my own. “So, you don’t know who you are?”

I give her a small laugh. Recalling what my Mother once said. Does anyone ever truly know who they are?

“I don’t believe it’s as simple as you think. It depends on the person. Some are more sure than others but we are all always changing. Always growing and developing. If you don’t feel as if you have more growth to do then you don’t believe in yourself enough.”

“What do you mean?” Saphrina looks more confused now than when we started this conversation.

I’m not even sure I know what I am saying or where I am going with this.

Sighing, I guide her to the couch. We sit there with our hands together.

“Mother and I had a similar conversation when I was about your age. She told me no one knows who they are at your age. Our lives had just been uprooted, seven years prior. Attempting to master my magic. Live up to the title of lady I had just been given. I was really struggling with knowing who I was anymore. I was frustrated that my magic was not growing at the rate I wanted it to. Life had been chaotic and full of questioning. Much as your life is now. Mother said we are one in the same with our magic. It is a part of us. It grows and develops as we do.”

“So, you’re saying I just need to grow up for my magic to develop?”

Goddess, no that’s not what I am saying at all. Mother was so much better at this than me.

“Not exactly.” She gives me a curious look.

I shake my head. Trying to think of a better way to explain this. “I’m saying your life has had a great shift. You lost your Mother during a raid on your home. Your Goddess mark began to fade. The destiny and fate you have been told your whole life slipping away. Come to find out it was an illusion. Put there by your Mother in order to protect you from your Father’s wrath. Only for your true Goddess mark to reveal itself.”

She’s looking at me intensely. Tears building in her eyes, as I lay out the reality of her life in front of her. “I think you know less about yourself and who you are now more than ever. The more you discover on your own. The more you become your own person again. The more your magic will grow with you.”

“How did yours develop? How did you come to discover who you are?”

“I still haven’t fully discovered who I am. But I found things that brought me joy and happiness. My fighting lesson. Spending time with Cookie in the kitchens. Baking and assisting her. My time in the forest alone. Becoming more at peace with myself has helped.”

Ugh, I hope I am doing this right.

“I think I understand.”

I raise my brows, “Good. That’s good.”

“And I’ll tell you a secret Mother told me once. No one is or ever should be done growing. There is always something new to uncover within ourselves or of someone else.”

She smiles up at me through her lashes. “Dinalia, can I ask you one more thing?”

“Of course” A touch of concern to my voice.

She’s looking down at her hands in her lap as she fiddles with them. “I know a few things. I know I am the princess of the Middle Kingdom. I know that I am betrothed to the Prince of the Celestial Realm. I’ve lost my Mother and essentially my Father. Since he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with me now.” She pauses for a moment. “I also know I want a companion in my life.” She looks back up at me. “Will you be my sister?”

My eyes widened in shock. Shaking my head, “Saphrina, I have always been your sister. And I always will be.” I take her hands back into my own. “You and I may not have had the best start. We may not see eye to eye on things with the differences in our lives. But I will always, always be your sister. I have not been there for you but I am here now. Whatever you need.”

She smiles at me. Embracing me in a hug. We’ve never once hugged. I’ve only ever hugged my Mother and Cookie. “You remind me of her.” she says.

My heart pinches a little. I could never be my Mother.

Pulling away from me, she looks me directly in the eyes, “I’m ready to try again.”

* * *

I’m standing on the boulder that sits on the mountain above the stream. Teetering on the edge. My favorite spot. Listening to the rush of water flowing down the mountain side.

Saphrina and I gave her magic lesson another go. I cupped her hands in mine. Told her to picture it, feel it. Just as Mother once did for me.

Then it came to life. A ball of energy with the slight glow color of a full moon. The light in her eyes brighter than I had ever seen.

We ended her magic lesson there.

She still had other lessons for the day. So, I bid her farewell. Ensuring her that I would return in time to have supper together.

I made my way to the forest like I always do. I’m looking out over the clearing. Caressing my fingers around the wound I received from the raid.

It’s a four inch gash on the soft area between my neck and shoulder. Not even realizing it at the time. Not until I showered and it stung from the water. It will leave a nasty scar.

Not the first but definitely so far the worst.

I keep messing with it. Breaking it open. Not allowing it to heal. The sting I feel every time the skin parts again is satisfying .

I’ve gone numb again. Just as I was after I made my first kill. The world around me is distant and far away. I keep waiting for a rush of feelings or emotions to come over me.

But it never does.

My mind has been desensitized.

I haven’t felt a thing since that night except for my encounter with the Shadowling.

I recall the warmth. Not truly realizing how cold I had grown all my life until he ceased it.

He didn’t just take away my numbness, he reached something inside of me.

He pinned me to a tree and I let him. He restrained my hands above my head and I liked it. His lips met my skin and it’s all I can think about.

That’s when I feel it. A warmth settles over me again. Something inside of me, changing.

A pull.

My breathing begins to increase. My heart rate is rising, chest tightening.

The boy - man - from the Shadowlands. He’s back.

I haven’t seen him for six years and now he appears here twice in the span of a week. That can’t be a coincidence.

Welcoming the warm feeling spreading throughout my body.

Just to feel something. Anything.

I don’t move. Not wanting him to know I sense his presence.

Why or how he is able to fill me with such warmth when a fire burns in my chambers day and night can’t, is beyond me.

I freeze my movements other than brushing my fingers around my wound. That’s when I hear,

“Thinking about jumping, Princess?”