See Her (Turn it Up #1)

Chapter 31

31

MAYZIE

I stood on the other side of that bathroom door until my bones were stiff with the damp cold of my skin. Still shaking slightly, I jumped back in the shower to warm up and rinse out some suds I didn’t even realize were still in my hair, before pulling on a black tank top and yoga pants.

Unable to be bothered about my appearance, I weave my wet hair into a loose braid as I step off the bus into the warm afternoon air, hoping a walk will clear my head. The back lot of the venue with buses and trucks everywhere, however, is a hard place to find any peace. After a while, I find myself knocking on Erin and George’s bus door. Erin swings it open, dressed pretty much the same as I am, but looking far more glamorous. Okay, now I care about my appearance.

“Mayzie! Hey, get in here.” She steps aside, letting me on to the luxurious bus. I’ve hung out with her a couple of times before in here, and while I think our bus is nice, this is a mansion on wheels.We sit down on the couch after she’s poured us both some iced tea. “How’s it going?” she asks.

“Actually, not that well.”

She takes a sharp inhale through her teeth at my admission. “Really? What’s going on? ”

I tell her how the tour has been going, how the band hasn’t seemed to have found their groove. I talk about feeling lost in this new marriage and new road life at the same time, and how Jack almost missed the sound check in San Francisco.She listens, nodding her head, and occasionally looking down in her lap. And when I tell her about the three minute altercation with Josh that shook me so bad that I can still feel the reverberations, she blows out a big breath.

“At what point in your first tour with George did it get easier?” I ask, throwing my hands up in frustration. She pauses, drawing in a deep breath before answering.

“It didn’t. The first tour was hell, the whole way through.The rest of the guys were frustrated, George was frustrated because he felt pulled in two directions, and there was so much he and the guys had to learn. Things got seriously tense between them all, and they argued a lot.The way George and I saw it, we were married, and therefore a package deal.” She lifts a shoulder, shaking her head at the memory. “But being in a band is like a marriage in its own way. I always accepted that, but what we just didn’t realize is that during delicate times like going on tour for the first time ever, the band relationship was the one that needed the attention for a while.” I nod as I look out the window, considering all this.

“If I had it to do over,” she continues, “I’d have stayed home for the first tour. I would’ve let them figure out how to live together and work together on the road.It’s like being in a whole other dimension that’s centered around them, and if I had stayed out of it until they got their bearings, it would have gone a lot smoother, for the band and for our marriage.”

“How do you know it would have?” I ask.

“Because I stayed home for the second tour.We decided that was best, and we were right. George was able to focus on the music and the routine. It made things flow between them easier.”

“So you spent a whole tour apart?” I ask, cringing at the idea. That sounds like it would be awful.I can’t imagine going that long without Jack.

“Actually… no,” she says with an emphatic shake of her head as she prepares to delve into a whole other piece of the story.“That was the plan, but the distance made our relationship struggle. Their schedule was so jacked that sometimes I’d go two or three days without hearing from George. Obviously I’d get upset, and then we’d argue when we finally did talk.I was a wreck the whole time, not knowing what was going on with him.” She gazes off, shaking her head. I can tell how hard that must’ve been.

“For all I knew,” she goes on, “he was enjoying life without me, and our life wouldn’t be the same when he got back.That was mistake number two: not communicating well while we were apart,especially when gossip rags and internet trolls are posting sketchy shit online. Even if you trust your husband to a fault that can fuck with you.”

“Great,” I sigh, the sinking feeling in my stomach getting heavier.

“Anyway, after three weeks, neither of us could seem to take it anymore.I flew to their next tour stop to catch the show and visit him.When I got there, things were flowing so well for the band. They’d established a rhythm with each other, and they’d learned to roll with the schedule glitches really well.George and I were so relieved to be with each other and reconnect that I stayed on the tour.It was like night and day. He was able to compartmentalize so much better, and both relationships were getting the attention they needed. It was like finding a happy medium.”

Balance , I think to myself, remembering mine and Jack’s talk on the beach.

“Do you think… do you think I should go back home? Should I leave the tour?” I look her in the eyes, wanting to know what she truly thinks.

“It’s hard to say, sweetie.It was different for George and me, only b ecause we’d already been married for three years when The Shock Wave started to take off.Our marriage already had a sturdy foundation.You and Jack still have some groundwork to lay down.”

“Fuck,” I say, running a hand through my hair, not caring about standing on ceremony. My eyes are beginning to sting in response to all of this.I’m happy to hear that things panned out eventually for Erin and George, but this whole story is only reaffirming what needs to happen here. I blink back the tears, and take in a shaky breath.“I don’t want to be away from him, Erin,” I say, holding my hands up, completely at a loss.

“Oh God, I know that honey.” She leans forward to put a hand on my knee, “Believe me.But do you realize how much Jack loves you? I know I’ve only known you guys for two weeks, but I see things. It will be okay,” she says, leaning in fully to give me a hug.

I try very hard in my heart to believe her.

A little while later, I step off of Erin’s bus and start slowly walking back to ours.I feel like some evil creature has reached inside me and is squeezing and twisting my insides. I focus on putting one foot in front of the other the whole way.As our bus comes into view, I see Jack stepping off of it.Relief comes over his face when he sees me, and he helps me close the distance.

“Hey, there you are,” he says, stopping in front of me. “Are you okay?” I’m sure he’s referring to the pain on my face and my slumping shoulders. He wraps me in a hug, and I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. After a few seconds, he pulls back enough for me to look at him.

“How’d the radio show go?” I ask.

“It was fine, but I don’t want to talk about that. Listen, Matt told me you and Josh got into it or something.Josh won’t tell me what happened and he’s avoiding me like the plague. I especially don’t like that it seemed to happen with you in nothing but a towel.What’s going on?”

“He was just… pissed that I was in the shower when he needed i t.” I shake my head, downplaying the whole scenario.Jack doesn’t need to get revved up about that right now when there is something so much bigger we need to address. “Listen, baby… I’ve been thinking…” I say, putting my hand in his.My eyes are swimming in unshed tears as I look up at him.I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with as much oxygen as possible, as I get ready to have one of the hardest conversations I’ll ever have.

Jack

I’ve got my arms locked around Mayzie’s waist as I rest my forehead against hers. Closing my eyes, I try to pretend we’re back on that beach… or on top of that hill… anywhere but curbside at the fucking Phoenix airport.

Back by the bus, she told me how this chapter needed to just be me and the guys, at least for a while, while we got used to this new life.I’ve been hearing it from other people too, like George and Erin, and Matt didn’t want to say so, but he told me she had a point. I knew she had one too, I just didn’t care. I want her with me anyway. Selfish? Definitely.But I can’t help it.It feels like not long ago I was carrying her across our threshold, because it wasn’t that long ago. We should be enjoying our new married life together, but instead, she’s going to be in our home, alone, and I’m going to be stuck on a bus. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

“Keep your phone close to you, because you’re my first call when I wake up every day,” I say.

“I will,” she says, looking at me with her hands resting on my arms.

“I mean it. Before my head’s even off the pillow, I want to hear your voice, first thing. ”

“I will, I promise,” she repeats.

“I don’t like this,” I say, letting out a frustrated sigh.

“Me neither,” she sighs back.

“So then don’t leave,” I puff out. My maturity flew out the window somewhere between the venue and the airport.

“Jack, I’m not going anywhere.” She looks up to show me her eyes.

“It kind of looks like you are.” I gesture cynically to our surroundings.

She lets out a small sigh as a dejected look passes over her eyes. “You know what I mean,” she mutters softly, looking down to the pavement.

Fuck.

I remind myself she doesn’t actually want to do this, and that I don’t want to hurt her worse than she already is. I gather her back in my arms and kiss her nose, silently apologizing. “I know, I’m sorry,” I whisper tenderly.

“I just mean that you are trying to juggle two new aspects of life when you haven’t gotten used to either one individually. This chance is going somewhere if you don’t jump on it. But me? I’m still going to be here when you get acclimated, and then it will be my turn,” she explains with a shade of determination in her voice.

Only a few weeks in and she’s being a true wife; putting her partner first.I just hope that one day I can do this for her, and I vow right then to myself that I will as I bring my hands up to cradle her face.

“I love you.”I just can’t think of anything else to say that would convey how I’m feeling right now.How amazing I think she is with how selfless she’s being, even though it’s ripping me apart. How much I’m going to be missing her touch the next few weeks. How her presence keeps me sane. All of it. I try to tell her with my eyes.

“I love you,” she says back, speaking a million words with her gaze right back at me. Her eyes are shimmering with threatening tears, and one escapes down her cheek.I swipe it away with my thumb and bring my mouth down to hers, kissing her deep, long, and hard.Everything I just tried to tell her with my eyes, I try to put into this kiss. And once again, I don’t give a shit who sees.

My arms tighten around her as I feel hers go around me and hook under my shoulders.Our heads tilt and switch sides with the stroking of our lips, and it just can’t go on long enough.When it’s time to reluctantly pull away, her lips look slightly swollen. I hope that means she’ll be feeling me on her lips for hours. My heart gets heavier still when she slings her carryon over her shoulder and walks away with her suitcase behind her. She pauses at the entrance to look over her shoulder at me before walking through. The automatic doors close behind her, sealing her in. And just like when I walked out of the coffee shop the day we met, I can feel the distance stretching between us deep down inside, and it feels all kinds of wrong.