Shattered (Koa #5)

29. Asher

Chapter 29

Asher

L ila lets us help her into the bathroom, and then we give her some privacy, remaining outside the closed door. Once she’s finished, we get her back to bed. Her movements are so heavy; she’s so weak. The poor girl looks like absolute crap.

And I did this to her.

She’s exhausted, and after the nurse checks on her, she falls back to sleep with us sitting on either side of her, watching over her. My leg fucking kills, and Turner must figure that out by the amount I’m fidgeting in place, desperate for the slightest relief of pain, but it doesn’t come.

“Is your leg alright?”

It’s funny how the last time he asked me that, I broke his car mirror. The thoughts bring me right back to Bane and nearly take me out. I haven’t registered that he’s gone. He’s been my best friend for years, and now he’s just gone. And it’s all my fault.

“It fucking hurts,” I admit, my voice breaking. Now that Lila’s safe, I can think straight and feel the shame sinking in.

“My friend, Macy, was kidnapped a couple of years ago, and my best friend, Gareth, almost died saving her. If I’d lost him, I think I’d burn down the entire fucking world.”

“Would you shut up?” I snap, tears burning in my eyes that I try to hide.

“Are you going to avoid this, too? Like you’ve avoided your leg?”

“Turner, I may be crippled, but I still have two fists that work just fine.”

“Is that what you need? Then let’s go. Outside, right now,” Turner says coldly.

I roll my eyes. “Get bent.”

If looks could kill, the glare that Turner hits me with would dissolve me.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything, but clearly, you haven’t learned a damn thing,” he growls, jabbing a finger toward Lila. “This is your fault. You did this to her. And don’t think just because we saved her together that we’re friends. I don’t like you, I don’t trust you, and until you grow the fuck up and stop avoiding your issues, you will never get anywhere with her.”

“What, you think you can keep her away from me?”

“No, but she can. You think she can deal with this and you at the same time? She’s hanging on by a thread! ”

I shake my head, frustration burning me to the core. I need to throw my head to the sky and scream. This is such a mess. I let out an angry grunt as I bury my face in my hands.

“Deal with me… She’s dealt with me just fine until now!”

“And look where we are. Your best friend is dead, and Lila’s not much better.”

There it is. The moment my heart shatters.

I’ve tried so hard to shove it down to deal with it later, but Turner hits me with it like a punch, chilling my blood. Because he’s right, this is my fault. They took her to hurt me because I was an idiot. Because even back then, I couldn’t accept my limp. It wasn’t bad, and it was probably temporary. I couldn’t face it, and because of that, I fucked Raven and had my leg fucked, which is why I left Kingston and why Rocco and Rooney came after me. I roped Bane into helping, and now he’s dead. I should have just said no to Jared’s tattoo, but I didn’t, and now he’s dead too. But worst of all, Lila.

They tortured her. She was put through an unthinkable amount of pain. She was so scared. How does a person get over something like that? And who the fuck am I to add one more problem for her? My leg.

Not just my leg… Me.

How many times have I yelled at her? Violated her, even if some part of her did want it.

When my eyes meet Turner’s again, all his hatred pierces me.

“Leave, Asher.”

I shake my head, more tears filling my eyes. “How can I leave her now?”

“Because she’ll be better off without you. ”

I glance back to Lila in a penetrating sleep, and my heart fucking shatters. Some part of me believes that he’s right. She will be better off.

“She’ll be taken care of,” he reassures me.

I believe him. It’s the only reason I turn and walk out the door.

I don’t make it far on my damn leg. I end up in a long, quiet hallway, sitting on a bench, attempting to massage the pain away, but it won’t go. Eventually, I give up and lean my head against the wall, shutting my eyes. I let myself go numb, lost in my mind. There’s no room in me left for the grief coursing through my veins, and it comes out in the form of tears and pained grunts.

“Sir, do you need help?”

I open my eyes to find an older, large woman in scrubs with concern in her eyes. But I only shake my head, unable to speak. She seems to understand and walks off, looking disappointed.

Everything seems so clear now. I’m at a crossroads. If I go left, if I get my leg taken care of, and let it the fuck go, I can try to be the person Lila needs me to be. If I go right, I keep going the way I am…

Well, I fucking can’t.

There’s no way for me to ever make this up to Lila. And she may never forgive me for this. This is when Bane would come in and call me a fucking idiot and tell me to get my damn leg checked, start using something to walk, and get the fuck over it. And he would be right. All these mistakes I’ve made have ruined everything .

It’s time for me to become the man I need to be. And maybe, just maybe, this man will be good enough for Lila to forgive.

It costs me an arm and a bum fucking leg to get back to Alton with no car. Once I get home, I head to the hospital, finding the parking lot full, with no handicap spaces available. I pull the car to the front, where a worker stands outside in a vest. I roll down the window as I approach and wave him down, wanting him to walk up so I don’t have to shout.I don’t know why this is so fucking hard.

“Yes, sir?” the man asks as he approaches the window.

“I’m going to need a wheelchair to get inside. Can you help me out with that?”

“Yes, sir, I can bring one out for you.”

“Thanks,” I say, feeling a breath of relief.

He finds the car quickly and parks the wheelchair where I can transfer into it. I don’t want to walk another step on the fucking thing when I’m in this much pain, and it could be damaged. For the first time in my life, I need to be responsible and not think of just myself.

“Do you know if Dr. Ramos is working today?” I ask the man as he pushes me through the parking lot.

He chuckles behind me. “Dr. Ramos? He’s always working.”

“Good. I need to see him.”

The man helps me navigate the hospital, and I ask if he can park me where I can find Ramos. He’s in the Gastroenterology and Liver Unit. I wait for a few minutes in an empty waiting room and get questioned twice by the cranky receptionist, who says he’s about to leave for the night. I tell her I just need to speak to him.

Eventually, he comes out with a backpack over his shoulder. He slows when he spots me, and for the third time today, I have to ask someone for help.

“Asher? What are you doing here?” he asks in surprise, his eyes flickering down to the wheelchair.

I sigh. “I figured you’d be in the ER.”

“I’m a Hepatologist, but I work in the ER sometimes. What’s going on?”

It’s like a plug is pulled from my mouth, and everything falls out.“I’ve been through hell, and I fucked my leg up. I need help.” My voice breaks at the end, and even more fucking tears start pouring from my eyes. I must be dehydrated as fuck by now.

Ramos frowns, nodding sadly at me. “Let’s go get an X-ray.”

Ramos takes over and brings me to radiology himself. To my relief, he doesn’t speak again until we’re alone in an empty room, and he helps me get ready for the X-ray.

“What happened?” he asks.

I only shake my head. If I open my mouth, I’m going to scream until I bust every window in this room.

“I’ve paged Dr. Lannick from Ortho, but it looks like you have a few rebreaks.”

“How do they rebreak when they’re bolted together?”I grumble.

“Not the big ones; some of the smaller breaks were still weak.”

“So what will this mean for me?”

“That’s what we’re going to ask Dr. Lannick. But I do know that whatever treatment you need will involve a walking aid and potentially even a wheelchair for a while to give your leg a rest.”

Before this mess, I would’ve told Ramos to go fuck himself. But now? The thought of using a walker or wheelchair is terrifying for reasons I’ve never allowed myself to admit. I’d be weak. Damaged. Pathetic.

But the reality is, I already am.

My fragile fucking ego got me here and nearly ended Lila. Now, I need to make it as right as I can. I’ll do anything to be what she needs.

“Whatever you think is best.”

Ramos gives me a surprised half-smile. “You’ll be alright.”