Shelf-Made Man

Chapter 8

Chapter

Eight

“ I am a troll.”

Tobias repeated it because saying it out loud was a surprising relief. Maybe because the sky didn’t fall. Maybe because it could sometimes feel a lot better when you stopped lying to yourself.

He hadn’t been entirely honest with himself for a long time.

Ever since he was very young, he’d known he was different. He tried to chalk that up to the obvious things: He was adopted. He didn’t look anything like his mother. He was always bigger than everyone else his age. He was gay. All of that set him apart from many of his peers, but aside from the awkwardness of being oversized, he’d never minded any of it. He knew his mom loved him exactly as he was; she said so often, and it showed in her actions.

But he’d never asked her about his biological parents. When he reached adolescence, she’d offered to discuss the details of his adoption more than once, but he’d nervously shied away from the topic. He didn’t want to know where he’d come from because, deep in the back of his mind, he already knew: he’d come from somewhere very strange.

So Tobias and Denial had spent nearly three decades living together, and as far as he was concerned, the arrangement could have continued indefinitely.

Until an elf appeared in his home, leaving no more room for Denial.

When you collected data for a living, and you organized it and analyzed it, sometimes the conclusions were inescapable, no matter how unpleasant they might be. And Tobias had now collected a lot of data: His adopted status. His size. The difficulty with social connections. The fact that Alfie had at first believed him to be a troll. The glee he’d felt when battling the home-invading trolls—who’d at first assumed he was one of them. Jerry’s conviction that Tobias was not an ordinary human.

Of course, this self-revelation raised a lot of new questions. Had his mother known what he was? How did she come to adopt him? What had happened to his biological parents? How had he even left the other world and gotten into this one? Was he destined to become ill-natured and violent? What did all of this mean for his future? And what would Alfie do if he found out ?

Right now , however, only one question was important.

Where was Alfie?

If Tobias was a troll, he might as well embrace the useful aspects of his nature. Alfie had told him that trolls could track anyone.

So he took a few deep breaths of the cold mountain air, closed his eyes, and followed the steps he always used for a thorny work problem. First he pictured a blank computer screen. At the top of the screen he placed a tiny image of the beginning, which in this case was him right now, in the middle of a parking lot with his breath pluming and the sky above slowly lightening. At the bottom of the screen he imagined the end result: Alfie, safe in Tobias’s arms. Now all he had to do was figure out the path between them.

When he was at work, that path consisted of numbers, computer code, and client specs. So what should it be now?

Elf. Christmas. Christmas tree. Tree!

Hadn’t Alfie mentioned that the forest here reminded him of home? It made sense that he’d retreat to the woods, which would also allow him to avoid endangering innocent bystanders when Snjokarl’s trolls arrived.

Alfie was in the forest; Tobias was sure of it. But they were surrounded by millions of acres of forest, and Tobias had no idea in which direction to set off. Plus, a substantial portion of this region had much rougher terrain than Tobias could handle. He hiked sometimes, but he wasn’t an experienced mountaineer.

“That’s fine,” he reminded himself. “You know the general program to use. Now concentrate on the specifics.”

His eyes remained closed, and as he focused on his steady heartbeat, another image began to appear on his mental screen. It was fuzzy at first but eventually clarified to Alfie sitting on the ground with his back against a tree, his knees drawn up and circled by his arms. He looked cold and lonely and miserable.

“Where?” Tobias murmured.

The screen cleared and was promptly replaced by a map depicting Siskiyou County. When Tobias zoomed in a little, a red circle appeared, exactly like when he searched for addresses on his phone. He continued to zoom in until the precise location was clear.

Alfie was five miles south, inside a state park and, thankfully, not far from the freeway.

Tobias took a few minutes to check out of the motel, then got into his car and zoomed out of town. He drove a lot faster than was legal or advisable, but there was very little traffic and the road was clear of ice and snow.

The lot at the state park was deserted. It was too early for most day use, and presumably, few people wanted to camp when the temperature was well below freezing. After parking in the spot farthest from the entrance and closest to where he knew Alfie sat, he took off down the trail.

He might be more of a plodder than a sprinter, but he could keep going for a long time. And while he felt the cold, it didn’t bother him, didn’t make him shiver, didn’t make his skin chap. When he was little, his mother had fussed over him in winter, insisting that he wear warm coats, thick socks, and mittens. When it rained—which was often—she handed him umbrellas. But he’d always managed to lose the umbrellas and mittens, forget the coats at school, and wear holes in the socks. Eventually she’d accepted that he wasn’t going to succumb to hypothermia, and she’d given up on protecting him from the elements.

Was cold tolerance part of being a troll? He had no idea, but whatever the reason, he was thankful for it now as he hurried toward Alfie.

Dim light filtered through the evergreen branches, and Tobias’s tread was nearly silent on the needle-covered ground. He felt almost as if he had the world to himself. Under other circumstances, he would have quite enjoyed a jog in this place, where he wasn’t in danger of being run over by an inattentive driver or splashed by a bus barreling through puddles. Maybe, if he survived this adventure, he should consider moving out of Portland, maybe getting a little place up on Mt. Hood. He did mostly remote work anyway, and it wouldn’t be too terrible a commute if he didn’t have to do it often.

If he survived.

He jogged for over fifteen minutes, following the route map in his head, until he came to a spot that was especially crowded with trees. One of them, recently fallen, blocked the trail. Instead of clambering over it, Tobias walked slightly downhill and past the root end. There was no path, but at least the underbrush was a little easier to get through during the winter. He’d gone perhaps a hundred yards when he spied a cedar with a particularly thick trunk.

That was the one. He was as certain as he was of his own name—and more certain than he was of his species.

Heart racing, Tobias rushed to the tree. Alfie cowered at the base on the other side.

“It’s me!” Tobias announced as he collapsed to his knees beside Alfie.

Alfie’s eyes grew wide. “T-T-Tobias?” His lips were blue and his teeth chattered.

“Yes!”

“N-not a troll?”

Best to sidestep that issue for the moment. “It’s me, Alfie. Are you hurt? Hang on.” Tobias took off his hoody, removed Alfie’s too-thin coat, and put the hoody on him. Then he replaced the coat and wrapped him in his arms, sharing his warmth.

Alfie clutched him back and murmured into his neck. “But you can’t— How did you?—

You’ll be cold, and the trolls, and how?—"

“I’m fine. Can you walk back to the car? It’s about a mile or so, I think.”

Alfie feebly tried to pull away. “Go away, Tobias. You’re not safe here. ”

“Neither are you.”

“I’m not safe anywhere,” Alfie snapped. “Didn’t you read my note? You need to get far away from me before the trolls come again.”

“I won’t. Look, you come back with me to the car, or I’ll stay here with you in the middle of the goddamn forest. I’d prefer the car. It’s warm and we can drive to breakfast. But in any case, I’m not abandoning you.”

For a moment, Alfie was silent, and then he sniffled against Tobias’s shoulder. “It’s stupid of you to stay with me.”

“I never claimed to be brilliant. Now, come on. Can you walk okay?”

As it turned out, Alfie couldn’t, at least not without Tobias’s help. But he did his best, Tobias supported him as needed, and about half an hour later they were back at the parking lot. Tobias helped him into the passenger seat and buckled him in before getting into his own seat, starting the engine, and setting the heater to full blast.

Alfie leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “You weren’t supposed to find me.”

“I’m responsible for you— No, don’t argue with me. I am . And it’s a responsibility I accept willingly because I’m your friend.” And because he was maybe falling in love with Alfie, but he didn’t say so. No need to make the situation even more complicated.

Instead of answering, Alfie sighed.

Tobias drove out of the parking lot and merged onto the southbound freeway. He wanted breakfast but didn’t want to backtrack into town. He’d find something, maybe in Redding, which was less than an hour away.

They’d traveled for five or six miles when Alfie spoke again. “How did you find me, Tobias?”

This was the part Tobias dreaded. Being a troll had come in handy when tracking down a missing elf. But the elf in question had a strong—and understandable—detestation of trolls. How would he react when he found out about Tobias? He’d be horrified, terrified, angry. And just the anticipation of that was enough to break Tobias’s heart.

“Could we discuss this after we eat?” He could at least postpone the inevitable.

“All right.”

They continued on for a while, the silence between them deafening. Finally, Tobias cleared his throat. “Will you promise me something, please?”

“I cannot promise your safety if you remain with me,” Alfie replied wearily. “In fact, I can almost guarantee the opposite.”

“I’m not asking for that. Look, I’m going to do my very best to get some answers and find a way to protect you permanently. This is something I want to do, okay? I’d be really upset if I didn’t get a chance to at least try to help. So promise me you won’t take off again without me—not until you’re safe. Please.”

Alfie reached over and set a hand on Tobias’s leg, a gesture that already felt familiar. “Very well. I promise. And Tobias, if I had a choice—if not for trolls and Snjokarl and Kol and… well, everything—I would remain at your side forever.”

“You don’t have to?—”

“I have, erm, interacted with a goodly number of people over a variety of species. I told you I was wild, yes? But I have never met anyone who draws me as you do. It’s not only that you are brave and handsome, although you are certainly both of those. When I am with you, food has more flavor. Colors are brighter. The scenery is more beautiful. Everything is simply more and infinitely better.”

The freeway grew a little blurry, and Tobias had to blink rapidly to clear his vision. His throat felt tight. That cinnamon roll sensation was back, but at the same time a thousand tiny blades poked at his heart. Because he felt the same way about Alfie—inexplicably, completely in love—but it couldn’t go anywhere. Even in the happiest of outcomes, in which they both survived, Alfie would be horrified when he found out that Tobias was a troll. There was also that little detail of them living, literally, in two different worlds.

“How about a sausage McMuffin?” he asked, knowing it was the most idiotic response ever to a poetic declaration of love.

Alfie didn’t seem to mind, however. He chuckled and squeezed Tobias’s leg. “I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure it’s delightful.”

Multiple crises averted. For now.