Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

Bellcolor

W hen Naomi Fermi, who I believed at the time was my mother, left, a huge pit opened up within me, and I knew there wouldn’t be enough soil in the world to fill it. Now I know that same pit existed in Naama as well.

Lilith was so selfish, from the moment of her creation to this day. The greatest destruction was the ruins formed in those she left behind. The grief is so heavy that any attempt to redeem her actions seems too small, too late.

Prof. Sapienti had used his last words to plead with me not to let the Morningstar fall, but I’d failed. Lilith had tried to save her angel through me, and the moment she realized it couldn’t be done, she sought out the only one who could save her soul.

God had banished her from her home, and in the eternity since she had sought a way to fill the bottomless pit He’d left in her. The fire He’d given her had changed her face, but she was forever destined for that primordial longing for God’s love, His acceptance and forgiveness. Now I know Lilith only knew the nature of lust, she’s seeking the one and only Creator’s love but will never be worthy of it.

I watch the lake the boy-soldier had called the Kinneret, which brings life to the Holy Land and instills faith in millions across the lands of Adam, and I notice a small gathering. White cloth dancing on the wind, all the humans are wearing white, the sight seems so pure to me and I’m inexorably drawn to it.

Black among the pristine, I shield myself from the eyes of the guests using the cloth, assuming this is a wedding. The woman’s face is glowing as though she were the sun itself, and her groom’s smile sends cramps through my belly. I’ll never have this. The thought darkens my mood.

“ Love is patient,love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies,they will cease; where there are tongues,they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away 1 .” I hear the priest’s words and my heart expands at the beauty of the declaration. Who wrote that? Are these the words of God, or of Man who longs for Him?

“God is love,” the priest continues. “For as it is written: ‘He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love 2 ’. And I wish you strong and fierce love, as your love for each other is proof of God’s presence in you. For it is written: ‘If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us 3 .’”

My heart begins savagely pounding in my chest, and I wonder if there’s any truth to the priest’s words or whether he’s a false profit, like others throughout human history.

Is this the reason Lilith never gave her heart to another? Is she incapable of it, because God would not return her love? And what does that say about me? Am I also cursed to be just like her? I wanted to give Bar my heart, but Hillel corrupted his soul and I’ve lost him.

I’m struck with anxiety as the questions spin around in my head. God, help me. Help me find the way. I’m lost, and fear I’ll never be found. I’m afraid to discover that I’ll suffer Lilith’s fate. Because if I’ve lost my innocence, and I’ve lost Bar, what else do I have left?

I look over at the tables and notice a cellphone lying there unattended. The eyes of the guests and waiters are all turned to the ceremony, and I take advantage of the opportunity to sneak between the tables and grab the phone.

I flee far from the event before anyone can notice their phone’s missing, and dial the one person who might be able to give me answers.

“Vatican’s office, how may I help you?” the clerk answers in a high-pitched, nauseatingly-optimistic voice.

“This is Lilith,” I make my voice hard as stone. “I demand to speak with Ellis.”

“I-is this some sort of a sick joke?” she gasps over the line.

“If you keep wasting my time, the Pope won’t be pleased, and you’ll be the one who thwarted his only shot at me.”

“Y-yes, of course, I’m sorry,” she stutters, and after a few moments of silence she transfers the call.

“Lilith,” I recognize Ellis’ voice. “Have you considered my offer to join us?”

“Yes,” I answer. “I want you to tell me where I can find Him. I was at the Foundation Stone and He’s not there.”

He bursts into laughter so loud I have to pull the phone away from my ear. “Lilith, silly girl, a place isn’t sacred just because it has some meaningless trinkets.”

I ponder his answer, “Then He’s where His saints are?”

He sighs. “The presence of saints doesn’t make a place holy either. Humans make that same mistake too.”

“Then where is He?” I’m losing my patience.

“He is within all who know Him, and are willing to accept His leadership and grace. The worthy will enjoy the bounty of His gifts.”

“Then why did He give His gifts to me of all people?” It makes no sense. Ellis’ words only reinforce that.

“Mysterious are the ways of the Lord,” he casually says.

“That’s your answer? I refuse to accept it.” That’s not going to cut it.

“His word is the only answer you require. And I pass it on as it was revealed to me. Within me.”

“Whereas all I hear is silence,” I counter.

“And what if you don’t? What if there is a message in the silence? You must learn to listen.”

His answer is still vague, and I can’t pin down the elusive logic. “I just heard someone say God is love. Do you believe that?”

“Faith is strong, Lilith. They who do not believe will walk the world as blind men. They who do not love will find no anchor in chaos. Forever are they condemned to life without purpose.”

“But you don’t really love,” I insist, “You’ve accepted celibacy, though some believe in ‘multiply and be fruitful’, as I believe they call it.”

“God created humanity, and the angels for that matter, and set them apart. Thus, His truth cannot be the same for all. My word cannot be your word. Does a man who visits church every day love God more than one who has never set foot in a church?”

“A different word for everyone…” I repeat his words as they sink into my thoughts. “A different word gives birth to a new religion, a new faith.”

“True.”

An involuntary laugh slips out of my mouth. “It creates division as well. War. Destruction.”

I hear Ellis sigh for a long moment before he says: “That is human nature.”

“No,” I grow angry. “It’s His nature!”

“And yours,” he whispers.

And mine . I look at the lake, a whisper echoing in my mind. The wind picks up, creating long ripples that move towards me. It whistles to me as if inviting me into the water, and I can’t help responding. Step by step I walk into the cold water, sighing slightly. “I think I hear Him.”

“Where are you, Lilith?” he whispers, closer to the mic.

“In the one place that could extinguish the fires of rage,” I say, and dive into the water. The cellphone immediately switches off as I let go of it, letting it drown as I give myself over to drowning as well.