Sin of the Saints (Between Delusion and Sobriety Duet #2)

Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

Bellcolor

I sit by the wooden desk. The layer of plastic covering it is faded and peeling away. It’s really sticky, a testament to the filth these lost souls leave behind in this place that can never be washed away.

A worn plastic plate is placed before me with a set of utensils, also plastic. They’re pretty smart, they’d never give us weapons. Despite the evidence, they still permit residents to smoke. The scars on many residents’ bodies prove that. I was deeply horrified the first time I noticed them on one of the patients, yet the administrator chooses to ignore it. Maybe he’s gotten used to them, maybe he’s gotten used to our pain as well.

“I thought you might miss breakfast,” Valentina sits down across from me. “Why didn’t you pass by our room and call me?”

“Sorry, the meeting was a little rough. I guess I was just on autopilot.” I poke at the lump of cheese with my fork, cutting it into smaller and smaller lumps, wondering if that’ll finally make them disappear without me having to eat them.

“Well, if you’d like to forget for a bit…” She leans towards me and whispers, “I managed to get us some weed. Finish up and maybe we can sneak behind the buildings before gym class.”

“How’d you manage that?” I whisper back, surprised all over again.

She smiles and naughtily wiggles her eyebrows. “I’ve got my ways. These angels of yours are no saints.”

I stifle a laugh, but the moment Ellis glares at us I quickly turn my gaze down and force a slice of hard-boiled egg into my mouth. Valentina smiles and winks at him, and he approaches. God, sometimes I think she teases him on purpose to get us in his sights.

“You’re not eating, Ms. Bandini?” He places his hands on his hips. Ellis is a very tall man, and when he towers over us while we’re seated I can’t help but feel intimidated, despite everything he’s done for me in this place, especially during the dark times.

“I already ate, Walter saved some for me earlier. I just came back to find Belle so we could go to gym class together,” she answers in a calm tone, and I know she’s lying. Valentina almost never eats, and somehow she manages to dodge the inquisitive eyes of the staff.

“Well, I’ll have to run that by him, if you don’t mind.” He doesn’t seem convinced. In response, Valentina grabs half of my egg and shoves it into her mouth. She chews it with exaggerated gusto and smiles venomously at him.

“Happy?” she asks with her mouth full, and pieces of yolk fall from her mouth and scatter onto the table. Her lies continue to pollute the filthy table.

Ellis shakes his head in frustration and goes back to his chair at the entrance to the cafeteria so he can keep an eye on the rest.

“You’re completely insane, you know that?” I try to poke her with my plastic fork.

“Look around you, Belle. We’re all insane here.” She swallows the egg with some difficulty, takes my cup of tea and sips a bit from it. I know the egg and tea won’t be in her stomach for too long.

I take a deep hit from the joint and hold the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can, knowing it’s a rare escape and should be used to the fullest. It’s beyond me how Valentina manages to fool the staff so easily, smuggling in all the things she gets her hands on. As her best friend in this place, I’ve had the privilege of enjoying them too.

“Don’t be greedy,” Valentina says, snatching the joint out of my hand. She inhales and presses her head to the rough popcorn wall. Damn, I really hate that wall. It’s as prickly as our reality, not providing us with the support we need so much.

“I don’t have the energy for gym class. I hate Miss Kingsley,” I grouse. My head’s spinning a bit but I’d rather stand, embracing the full high.

“She’s not that bad,” Valentina sneaks in another hit before giving back the joint.

“You say that because you’re the only one she likes.”

“How can she not? I’m so charming, after all.” She bats her eyelids exaggeratedly and I giggle.

“So are you gonna tell me how you got this or do I have to force it out of you?”

“Remember Prof. Sapienti, that old man who was here before Dr. Abano replaced him?”

“Yeah?” I’m curious to know what he has to do with this.

“During my session with Dr. Abano at the start of the week, I noticed something strange about his bookcase. You know how it is, those sessions with him are so boring you can’t help focusing on anything besides that stare of his.” Yeah, I know exactly what she’s talking about, except I’ve been taken captive by that stare. “So the lower shelf seemed out of place, which is weird, because he’s got this weird thing of having everything in its proper place, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, so?”

“You can’t imagine what I had to do so I could sneak into his office while he wasn’t there!” A dreamy look appears on her face and she smiles to herself.

I snap my fingers in front of her eyes and she blinks dramatically. “What did you need to do?”

“A story for another time,” she waves a hand and I roll my eyes. “As I suspected, Prof. Sapienti had a secret stash behind the bookcase! The old man wasn’t scatterbrained, he was just a burnout!” She grips her belly and bursts into laughter.

“Oh my God… he really was a space cadet, and I thought it was just because he was old.”

Valentina stops laughing and approaches so she can whisper: “Or he’s been working for the administrator for too long…”

Miss Kingsley’s familiar whistle rings out not far from us, and I leap into motion in a panic. I hurry to puff on the roach, the last part of the joint, one more time before I bury it in the ground to destroy the evidence, and run after Valentina to the outdoor field.

Valentina can be charming, but she can also be the exact opposite. With her demons, you never know which Valentina you’ll meet on any given day.

Luckily, today’s a good day.

We stand in a semi-circle of thirteen patients per class, with Miss Kingsley standing before us in a gleaming black lycra tracksuit.

“Good morning, children,” she announces, placing her hands on her hips. She always calls us children, even though there are no children here. Children have innocence, which we’ve all lost long ago. “We’ll start with a short warmup, then a 2-kilometer run around the field. If you finish the task early, you’ll be able to play some basketball.” We all groan and she silences us with her whistle.

We imitate her movements as she demonstrates the exercises, and I feel like I’m already having a tough time breathing through the second set. Damn it, maybe I shouldn’t have smoked before gym class. My head’s spinning and it’s hard to breathe.

“Belle!” she shouts my name, and I straighten up and look at her. There’s a warning glare in her eyes. Oh my God, I hate sports. With no other choice, I keep imitating her movements with as much precision as I can manage, but never at a level that satisfies her.

When the first torture session is finally over, I start running, trailing behind everyone. I look for Valentina and find her sitting on a bench to one side of the field, winking at me. Damn it, this girl can get away with anything in this place.

“Come on, Miss Fermi!” Miss Kingsley yells from the other side of the field, and I force myself to keep moving my legs. My muscles ache and I choke down the frustration. The pain isn’t foreign to me, sometimes I think it’s my only friend, but I’ve always preferred being responsible for my own pain.

Pain is inevitable. Life is pain, unending torment. Letting people into our lives means letting pain into our lives. When I hurt myself, I gained some measure of control over my life. It was the only way. This is the twisted logic that ruled my life, until I finally decided to put an end to it.