Sine Qua Non

Chapter Eighteen

When she was young, she used to have the same recurring dream. She was looking for her father and he was singing to her, and she knew with the logic of dreams that he would only come back to her if she could remember the lyrics. She had to remember the lyrics.

But she could never remember how the song went, and he never came back, and Jay would wake up with tears in her eyes and a stinging sense of failure that she could never put a name to. Lying in the warm bed, with one of Nicholas’s heavy forearms draped around her waist, she felt the fleeting vestiges of those feelings even now.

They whispered, You’re not good enough to be loved.

Looking at Nicholas put an ache in her throat. Being with him made her feel for the first time in her life that she could be enough—and not just for him. For herself, too.

That was terrifying.

She ran trembling fingers along his jaw, rasping over the sawtooth blades of stubble. The shape of his face was as familiar as her own, with those vaulted cheekbones that were sharp enough to gouge and a prominent nose that he spent far too much time looking down at others with. And that mouth , she thought. It was a wicked, sullen mouth that did terrible things to her heart.

“Please don’t hurt me again, Nick.” She touched his nose, thinking about the way that he was always flicking hers with such irreverence. “Can you do that? Can you just—love me?”

His fingers flexed at her hip, but otherwise, he didn’t stir. He would soon, though. The rise and fall of his chest was steady and his breathing was too shallow for deep sleep.

“Thank you.”

Impulsively, she pressed a kiss to his nose before sliding out of his arms and quietly creeping to her own room. She didn’t look back, so she didn’t see his eyes open, following her as she left while his fingers ghosted the path hers had taken.

Jay fed her anxiously pacing cat and patted his butt the way he liked before sliding her arms into a floral blouse and doing up the buttons. As she clasped on a statement necklace that she refused to believe was out of fashion, she studied herself in the mirror.

It wasn’t the loss of Danielle she grieved so much as the loss of a mother who had never really existed at all. She had made excuses for that mother, but every time she stayed out late at night, it wasn’t because she had been trying to provide. She had been looking for a way out—with or without Jay. And when she had needed her mother most, her mother had chosen without .

Maynard was scampering around the kitchen and kicking up his heels, so Jay fed him, too. He was an excitable dog, and was beginning to get quite large. Sometimes Nicholas had to walk him three times a day, and Jay would quietly go to the front door to watch their shapes disappear around the curve of the hill, her stomach flipping when he would bend to ruffle the dog’s ears.

The only thing the dog liked more than them was the cat, who stayed locked in Jay’s room. He would claw at the door like a creature possessed, while her cat’s little shadow floated back and forth beneath the gap in the door, hissing audibly.

I bet he’s lonely , she thought, as the puppy sniffed her hand with interest, detecting hints of the cat he could smell but never see. She smiled when he licked her and scratched behind his ear, watching him kick out his left leg in a rhythm of pure blissful joy.

“I get lonely, too,” she told the dog. “But maybe none of us has to be lonely anymore. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Jay.” She jumped guiltily, falling back on her ass as Nicholas placed his briefcase on the kitchen table. The puppy gleefully took advantage of her discomfiture by jumping into her lap. “You ran away again.”

She set the puppy to the side and got to her feet, straightening her shirt. “The cat was hungry.”

He looked at her, with an expression that clearly said, I might be, too. When he slid a hand into his pocket and strolled over to her, her body thrummed in anticipation.

“This is pretty.” He fingered her statement necklace, lifting one of the pink rhinestones.

“It’s just a necklace,” Jay said, looking down at his hand. “I brought it back with me from the city.”

“Would you wear something like that for me?”

“A necklace?”

“No. Something that will go with the lace you wear for me at night. Delicate and sweet—until it’s not.” He gave a tug on the rhinestone. “Something that tightens when I pull on it.”

“O-oh,” Jay heard herself say faintly, as his fingers drifted harmlessly down her blouse.

“I like that reaction.” He pulled away with a grin, which faded when he realized how stiff she was. “What is it? What’s wrong? You don’t want the necklace?”

“N-no, that’s fine—” she flushed. “They’re announcing my role today and I’m just really nervous.”

And now her head was full of explicit images, thanks to him. She shook her head side to side, trying to dispel them.

“I’m worried about how people will take it after that article.”

“It doesn’t matter how they take it. You’ll be the smartest person in that room.”

The praise made her smile unwillingly, even as she searched his face for deceit. Absently, she reached up to fasten his crooked shirt collar, before taking the silk tails of his unfastened tie and knotting them beneath his throat. He smiled at her. The smile was not reassuring.

“You’re not going to scare them into respecting me,” she said, partially as a warning.

“It isn’t my fault most people listen to me when I tell them to do something.” His hand smoothed down her back, which would have been sweet, until he squeezed her ass. “You happen to be the lone exception to that rule, little bird .”

She pushed his hand away from her butt. “I listen to you when you’re being reasonable. I just also call you out on your toxic bullshit.”

“It’s a simple, reasonable equation, Jay. If they’re afraid of me, and you’re not afraid of me, why are you afraid of them ?”

It was a good point and she was mildly annoyed that he had made it. “Just don’t meddle.”

“Trust me. I told you I’d take care of everything. All you have to do is pass the probationary period.” He scrolled through his phone. “I’ll send you a picture of the necklace I’m having made for you later. I think you’ll like it.”

“You found one already ?”

“You shouldn’t leave me alone in bed in the mornings. I get very distracted when I’m horny.” He gave her ass another grope. “Come on.”

She tried not to fret over what he might do on the car ride over, while she kept absently nudging his wandering hand off her thigh. Nicholas’s method of taking care of things tended to be oppositional to hers and sometimes it got people hurt.

But when Annica gave her the cold shoulder, refusing to even look at her, it was clear that she had not only read the article but believed every word. She was still stinging from the looks she had gotten from some of the other female employees in the bathroom that morning, and the mocking laughter that had followed in the wake of her departure.

Maybe Nicholas is right, and there is something to being feared.

“Jay,” Arthur said, “does that clarify what the transition plan should look like?”

“Yes,” she lied, too cowed to admit that she hadn’t been paying attention.

“Good. I’ll forward you the 30-60-90 plan Nicholas had drafted up for our last executive hire. But as a very quick debrief, the plan is to have you in your new office within the week.”

“So quickly?”

He nodded. “Annica can take over your duties while we interview candidates to fill your role. By the two-month mark, you should be making most of your decisions independently, and in about three months, the training wheels will be off, and you’ll be a full-fledged executive with all of the responsibilities that entails. Which reminds me, did you sign your new NDA?”

Jay nodded, thinking, Provided that I pass the probationary period.

Nicholas had explained in the car that this was the only way the board would go for it, given her lack of experience. No matter how prettily they spun the narrative, she was a risk. If she failed, they would replace her with someone more capable and Nicholas would lose his job, or so she assumed. He hadn’t actually said that , but the fortunes of many powerful men were riding on his shoulders.

She swallowed hard and forced her smile around her unease.

“On the third Wednesday of every month, we circle up and discuss various pain points within the company. Sometimes people will share team updates or brainstorm ideas. The meetings are always very loose and fluid, following a freeform structure. I thought it would benefit you to attend the one that we’re having today.”

“Yeah, sure. That makes sense.”

“Do you have any questions about what we expect for you?”

“No, um, you’ve been very clear.”

“Then I think we had better head over now.”

They walked side by side to the massive conference room that Nicholas had used to take her into whenever they went through prospective clients together. A little shiver passed through her when she saw that he was already there, his head bowed as he talked to the head of security.

“Odd,” Arthur murmured. “I wonder what James is doing here. He never attends these meetings.”

Nicholas caught her staring while he was nodding along to whatever the other man was saying, but his mouth crooked up at one corner. Then James took his leave and Nicholas took his seat, causing the chatter to drop by several decibels. A couple of people looked at her curiously.

Arthur put his hand on her shoulder gently propelling her forward. “Everyone, this is Jay, our new VP of Operations. Some of you may have met her before,” he added, acknowledging her change in status. “Jay, perhaps you’d like to say a few words before we kick off this meeting?”

Fuck, they hadn’t prepared her for this . She glanced around the table in alarm, her eyes bouncing over everyone except Nicholas, who gave her another one of those subtle not-quite-a-smiles. Nobody was being outwardly hostile—especially not with him in the room—but some of the executives stared a beat too long and she knew from the way their eyes narrowed what they were thinking and why.

“H-hi,” she said. “I’m Justine Va—ah, Beaucroft,” she corrected herself. “I’m a Cal alum and I’ve been with BA for the better part of a year now.” She fought the urge to duck her shoulders and make herself small, the way she always had whenever people looked at her too long. “Before I came to this company, I worked at a small luxury home goods manufacturer in the Financial District of San Francisco. My role there was largely administrative, too—at least in the beginning. But I worked my way up, and that was where I got my experience managing to the operations and financial health of a business.”

Her eyes darted to Nicholas again. She had his full attention. She had everyone’s attention but it was his that made her cheeks warm as she set her shoulders and kept going. “You already know my husband—” her voice cracked, and a few people looked away “—I’ve heard the rumors circulating and I’m willing to acknowledge that our relationship probably makes my presence here seem questionable to some of you, but I plan on working very hard to prove to everyone that I deserve to be here. I promise that I won’t let any of you down.”

A long, frozen silence followed her words. A bead of sweat rolled down her spine. Arthur saved it, by saying, “Well said, Jay,” and clapping, and slowly others joined him. It was the most tepid accolade she had ever received but at least they weren’t booing or sewing a scarlet letter to her chest.

After her cringing introduction, the talk shifted to the promised department updates. Jay listened to the various executives give perfunctory reports of their metrics before launching into their lists of grievances with far more gusto. Jay struggled to look competent and interested, even as she wondered how many of these “operations” would actually fall into her court.

When she dared to look over again, Nicholas was on his phone.

She felt drained and useless dragging herself back to the desk that would only be hers for another week before she got an office of her own. Annica wasn’t at her seat and her desk appeared to have been cleaned—ruthlessly so. All of her various knickknacks and photos were gone.

Her eyes swung to Nicholas’s office. He wasn’t in there.

Back-to-back meeting? It wasn’t uncommon for his day to be stacked—she knew that from managing his schedule—but a bad feeling nipped at her like a biting fly. He’d seemed so distracted in that previous meeting. And what was that about with Security?

Is everything okay? she asked him.

Don’t worry about me. Tell me what you think of this. It’s a mock-up.

He sent her a picture of a silver chain necklace that had a bunch of little charms dangling from it: a big sphere of citrine surrounded by smaller spheres of onyx, heliotrope, kyanite, and what appeared to be pallasite, with small chunks of olivine crystal,

Is it space-themed? she asked, looking at the meteorite.

They’re the planets from your documentary.

Jay stared, her breath leaving her in a rush as she belatedly recognized them all: the irradiated desert planet; the one that was half-lava seas and frozen volcanic rock; the hurricane planet with diamond rain; and a real chunk of space, meant to sit frozen against her skin.

(Can I watch the world burn with you?).

*****

Nicholas sat with his laptop out in front of him, tucking his phone away. There was a document open on the screen but it was mostly there for reference: he had been preparing for this meeting for weeks now, with an attention to detail that would impress even Jay.

And he was so looking forward to it.

James entered the room, standing against the far wall. One of his subordinates had already been to Annica’s desk, cleaning it out and revoking her credentials—after copying her hard drive. If she did somehow make it back to her desk before she was escorted out of the building, she wouldn’t be able to access her computer. It only took one spiteful employee with a magnet and a grudge to learn that lesson.

He watched her adjust her headphones, taking her time making sure everything was arranged just so before walking down the hall. A fastidious little control freak, he thought. There was a notepad under her arm and her face was expressionless as usual, although he didn’t think he was imagining the new undercurrent of distaste whenever she looked at him.

The feeling was mutual, though she’d be finding that out for herself soon enough. His smile hardened as she walked in. Her eyes flicked uncertainly to James as she sat down, opening her legal pad to a fresh page. When the seconds ticked by and he didn’t kick off the meeting or introduce his “guest,” she began to squirm, dog-earring the page and working it back and forth.

“Do you know why you’re here?” Nicholas asked, after several minutes had passed.

“No. You didn’t send me a calendar invite for this meeting. Was there supposed to be a brief attached to it?”

Nicholas leaned forward, pushing his laptop to the side so that there would be no obstructions between them. “This isn’t a meeting. Let me enlighten you on why you’re here today. We have security footage of you making unauthorized use of Arthur Hartwell’s computers after hours to access confidential documents.”

“What?” The shock in her eyes could have been convincing if not for the panic.

“We also have footage of you going to the photocopier before hours, using credentials that weren’t yours—seemingly to circulate copies of The Hollybrook Herald’s front page amongst staff. I don’t think I really need to specify which issue.”

The color faded from her face. He relished it; he’d been planning his revenge since the day she’d demanded a promotion, figuring he could get her slapped with a performance improvement plan after catching her in enough mistakes. But corporate malfeasance?

That was so much better.

“Additionally,” he began, drumming his fingers on the table, “I’ve managed to obtain a transcript of a conversation you had with a reporter from said newspaper. Not only were you foolish enough to have that conversation during work hours, you fed him information that violated your NDA and slandered me.” He raised an eyebrow. “That looks a lot like retaliation.”

“I get a lot of phone calls. Any one of them could have been a reporter.”

“Don’t give me that shit. I have proof. He was eager enough to sell you out after I called his boss and threatened to pull my funding if he wasn’t fired. Several of that paper’s biggest advertisers are clients of this firm. But I suppose you knew that already, being so good at your job.”

Her shoulders sagged and she threw a look at the door. “Whatever you think I did, I can explain.”

“I’m not interested in explanations. The consequences of your actions speak loudly enough. I already know you met with Michael Valdez, that he fed you information that you then leaked to the reporter. I have photographs of him slipping you cash before you both left the Bayview. And since I happen to know for a fact that you aren’t his type, I’m guessing he was paying for a different kind of fuck.”

That made her lurch back in her seat. “You can’t let him talk to me like that,” she said, appealing to James, as if expecting agreement. “That’s harassment.”

Nicholas could see James’s subordinate boxing up her things, including those meticulously placed headphones. Jay wasn’t there to see it, of course. She was in another development meeting with Arthur—he’d planned that out, too. Everything was shaping out perfectly.

“Harassment,” he repeated. “That’s an interesting choice of words, coming from you.”

“W-well, what about you ?” Too angry to maintain the illusion of ignorance any longer, she rose to her full height. In the corner of his eye, Nicholas saw James tense. “Everyone knows that you’ve been playing favorites with Jay . Your own stepsister—who you’re obviously sleeping with!” Her voice, which had been rising steadily, became shrill. “You wouldn’t even consider my promotion, but you’ll pour company resources into paying off your office mistress, even though I’m way more qualified than that wh— ”

“Don’t.” Nicholas pressed his hands flat to the desk as he stood. “You were not more qualified. You were complacent and vindictive. And rather than address your own shortcomings, you denigrated another employee. You didn’t get the job because your performance wasn’t up to par.”

“Or maybe it wasn’t the kind of performance you were looking for.”

He smiled. She flinched.

“James will escort you out. Don’t bother stopping by your desk for your things. They’ve been boxed up already and will be mailed to the address you provided on the day of your hiring.”

“You’re—” Annica flicked a wild look at James. “You’re firing me?”

“I already have. For violating your NDA and sabotaging the company.” He allowed himself the privilege of a sneer. “Good luck with your future employment.”

James shepherded her towards the door, and Nicholas followed, watching the man march his ex-secretary out. His third secretary to leave in as many months. He had flashbacks of Crystal’s voluble departure—when she’d called him heartless, screaming it for everyone in the office to hear.

The other employees were watching with interest, sensing blood in the water. Jay was back at her desk and looked up when the shadows of James and Annica fell over her desk. The other woman seemed to find that provocative. Nicholas took several steps forward but Annica had already lunged, aiming not for Jay herself but her cup of coffee, sending it flying with a single, well-placed swipe before James grabbed her by both hands.

Jay jumped to her feet with a yelp as hot coffee dripped down her pants and blouse.

“Enjoy the victory,” Annica snarled over her shoulder. “Little Miss Slutshine.”

The whispers in the room got louder. A few people exchanged half-smothered grins that quickly disappeared when his harsh gaze swept over the open floor plan. Eyes dipped and they got back to work, or pretended to.

Jay stared after Annica. His anger spiked at the look on her face—lost and devastated, but also so unsurprised—and he had to suppress his sudden desire for violence.

Not now , he told himself. Everything’s going exactly to plan. Security will deal with her.

Nicholas put his hand on her shoulder, rubbing her arm through her blouse. “Let’s get out of here,” he suggested. “I think this calls for an early day.”

Still looking stunned, Jay folded her arms over her soaked and stained blouse. Is she off the property? he texted James.

The response was prompt: Yes, Mr. Beaucroft, she’s gone. I sent her out in a taxi.

He needed to get Jay out of the building before the shock broke. He’d seen that brightness in her eyes too many times not to know when she was about to cry. With his mouth in a firm line, he herded her out the door.

By the time he had gotten Jay into the passenger seat, tears were rolling down her face. He turned off the radio while backing out of his parking space one-handed, swearing when someone walked in front of his car.

“Call my accountant,” he barked at his phone, which obliged him by dialing. “Go to speaker.”

The man picked up after two rings. “Hello?”

“Cancel my installments on the Valdez project.”

“Really? Are you sure? They’re in the middle of development.”

“I don’t care. Cancel it. Tell them there was a breach of contract. If they don’t like it, he can get a lawyer. End call,” he snapped at his phone, and it went silent.

Jay sniffed. “Wasn’t that the project you were telling me about in the restaurant?”

“It was.”

She rubbed at her eye. “What happened?”

He sped up to beat a yellow light. “Did you know Annica was the leak to the paper?”

“N-no, what?”

“Yeah, she came to me asking for a promotion. But she tried to throw you under the bus. Then she went to the newspaper when I didn’t give it to her, complaining about our hiring practices, feeding them all that bullshit about our homelife.”

The petty little cunt.

Jay rubbed at her hands. “How would she know about our homelife? She told me she grew up in Ridgeview.”

“Because, like your mother, she wasn’t working alone.” Nicholas turned down a familiar street and Jay sat up when she realized that they’d missed their turn off.

With a crunch of gravel, he pulled up in front of a big house with a marble bird path and a row of agaves leading up to the wraparound porch.

“This is Michael’s house,” Jay said.

He hated that she remembered that.

A look of sudden comprehension dawned over her face. “Nicholas, did he—”

Not wanting to hear her finish whatever that sentence was—because the answer was almost certainly yes—he got out of the car and headed for the driveway.

With a curse, Jay scrambled to unfasten her seatbelt. “I don’t like that look on your face. Whatever you’re thinking of doing—please, don’t be hasty—”

“It’s just business,” Nicholas said grimly. “Just like our fathers used to do.”

He rang the bell. Jay hovered conspicuously at his side. When the door opened, he half-expected some uniformed member of the help to answer it, so it was a surprise to see Michael himself appear in the doorway. He must have been hurting. His wife seemed like the type of woman who would think it was gauche to answer her own front door.

“Nicholas?” His eyes bounced from him to Jay. He looked scared—but not scared enough. “What are you doing here? I just got a call saying you cancelled our fund—”

Nicholas clocked him in the face.

“ Nick .” Jay tried to grab for him but he sidestepped her, grabbing Michael by the front of his green Lacoste shirt and using his body to shove the door the rest of the way open before throwing him against his tasteful mahogany credenza. Several equally tasteful pieces of pottery shattered and fell to the tiled floor, causing a fluffy Pomeranian to appear out of nowhere and start barking.

Nicholas nudged the dog away, swinging one leg over Michael’s torso to straddle his chest. He was heavy enough that the other man began to wheeze. “I warned you.”

His next punch caught Michael in the mouth and he felt the bite of teeth in his knuckles, busting them up. There was pain, too, though he barely felt that—he was too angry. “I told you not to fuck with her. And what did you do? Pay off my employees to talk shit, just to—” his words splintered into a snarl and he slammed the man’s head against the tile. “You little fuck .”

“That’s enough .” Jay gripped him from behind, hauling him backwards beneath his arms. Michael took advantage of his distraction to lash back, hitting him on the nose. It was a glancing blow, really, but something cracked and Nicholas swore, lunging forward in a way that had Jay falling against him. “Nicholas, stop—”

“I never touched her.” Michael’s voice was clotted.

“I know,” Nicholas said coldly. “That’s why I’m hitting you and not cutting your dick off.”

“Nicholas.” Jay shrieked when he lunged again. “I said stop .”

She wasn’t strong enough to hold him back and she knew it. They both knew it. But her shaking arms reminded him of that terrible night that she’d left him for good.

Because she wasn’t strong enough to stop you then, either.

He sagged, giving Michael one last half-hearted swipe before allowing Jay to pull him away.

“Jesus,” Michael said, in a choked and miserable voice. “Fuck.”

“We’re through. The whole project’s through. I’ve got you for breach of contract. Nobody in this town will touch you with a nine-foot-pole when they find out that you tried to season your development plan with a little bit of extortion.”

From the depths of a house, a baby began to cry.

Jay went white. “You didn’t,” she whispered, seeming to register the gist of the conversation at last. But this time it was Michael she spoke to, Michael who couldn’t meet her eyes. “Why?”

“Mikey?” Angie’s voice echoed down the hall. “Mikey, I heard a noise. What are you—oh my god. Oh my god . What happened to you? Do I need to call the police?”

Nicholas gingerly touched his nose. “Hello Angie.”

“Did you do this?” Angie whirled on him. “Get out. Get out of my house, Nicholas, or I’m calling the police.”

“Ask him about the pictures.”

Angie looked rattled and stared at Michael with the trace of insecurity that he remembered so well from high school.

No matter how many extensions she purchased, or antique porcelain she put in her pretty house, she would always be that jealous, petty girl from high school, crying by the pool to her friends because her ex liked someone better.

“What pictures ? Pictures of her ?”

“No! I didn’t take any pictures.” Michael blotted his nose with his shirt collar, giving Nicholas a baleful, watery glare. “I paid your employee off with money and information so she could go to the papers but she was going to do that anyway. I never did anything else.”

“You say that like you’re capable of doing your own dirty work.” Nicholas put his arm around Jay’s waist, pulling her towards him. “Did you pay off anyone else?”

“No, I told you, I don’t know anything about any pictures.”

“If my husband said he didn’t, he didn’t,” Angie snapped.

“Why?” Jay repeated, her hazel eyes glittering with their own internal fire. “Why would you go against my back like that?”

“Because he wants you,” Nicholas said bluntly, when Michael didn’t respond. “And since he can’t do anything about that now, all he can do is punish you for not being the pristine little angel he never got to fuck.”

Jay jerked away from him. “ Nicholas. ”

Angie cracked him across the face, breathing hard. She looked at Jay, who flinched expectantly, but it was Michael she went for next, leaving gouges that must have stung.

“What the fu—”

“I’m taking our child to a hotel,” she spoke over him. “I can’t deal with any of this shit right now. I have to meet with our investors tomorrow. Someone has to bring in a paycheck.”

“It’s not my fault,” Michael protested. “Angie— baby —” She shook him off and disappeared deeper into the house, towards the direction of the crying child. His whole body sagged as he watched her leave. “Shit. Fuck .”

“You should have denied it,” Nicholas said. “But maybe you wanted to punish your wife for not being what you wanted, too.”

Michael turned hot eyes on him. “You’ve fucking ruined my life, Beaucroft.”

“No,” Nicholas said, reaching out and grabbing Jay’s left hand. “You’ve ruined your own.”

He saw the other man’s eyes go to Jay’s ring, and the matching platinum one that he wore on his own left hand. Horror and disbelief filled his eyes. “You—”

“Me,” he agreed coldly. “And her. Goodbye.”

With a final backwards sneer, Nicholas let the door close behind him with a slam.