Spare Me

Chapter 19

A fter their talk on the morning of New Year’s Eve, Maddy and Alex had fallen back into something closer to the rhythm they’d had before the holidays. They slipped in and out of a handful of discreet restaurants, took the occasional trip to Windsor to go on long rambling walks with Bertie, and found ways to be together whenever they could. Sometimes Maddy wondered if Alex wanted more, but she tried to push her suspicions aside, reminding herself that their relationship had a “best by” date and taking things any deeper would be bad for both of them.

One Thursday night in early February, Alex rushed into their private dining room in a storied Mayfair restaurant fifteen minutes late. Maddy wasn’t complaining—the small space boasted luminous green floors and stunning works of art by famous painters on the mirror-paneled rooms. She’d been quite occupied examining the priceless paintings and the glitzy surroundings.

“Sorry, darling,” he said, slightly out of breath as he loosened his tie and leaned down to kiss her. Maddy slid her hands up his shoulders to the nape of his neck, looking to prolong the kiss, which had started as a quick peck on the lips. He tasted like minty ChapStick, the sensation heightened by the chill lingering on his face from the wintry evening air outside.

“No apologies necessary,” she said, as he took the seat next to her and reached across to where his menu had been laid at the chair directly across from her. “Long day?”

He sighed heavily, flipping to the cocktail list. “Just when I thought we were finally starting to make progress on this reparations project, the prime minister caught wind of it and suddenly wanted to stick her fingers where they don’t belong. But of course we have to play nice, so we had to take three steps back to include her and two of her staffers. I don’t know how Eric stays so calm and patient about this crap. I was ready to flip the table after two hours.” He finally paused for breath, raking his hand through his already disheveled hair in frustration. Maddy had learned, after several months of after-work dinners with Alex, that the state of his hair was a direct correlation to how his day had gone. Slightly mussed meant things had gone well. The more it was standing up, the harder things had been. If it was still perfectly combed, it either meant he hadn’t worked at all that day, or it had been so bad that he’d had to go home for a shower to cool off before meeting her.

“That sounds maddening,” Maddy said placatingly. After their server had taken their order, she returned to the topic at hand. “Are you open to feedback on this whole reparations project?” she asked, gently.

“Of course,” he said immediately, looking her square in the eye. “I always want to hear what you have to say.”

Maddy took a breath, choosing her words carefully. “I wonder if Eric has an easier time keeping his cool because he knew this was going to be an uphill battle? I know he’s grateful for the effort you’re taking to try to make this happen, but I wonder if some part of him has set a very low bar?”

Alex drew back slightly. “You think he thinks I’m not going to follow through?” The defensiveness she’d been afraid of lurked just behind his eyes.

“Of course not. I know he trusts you. But as someone whose lived experience has told him that his needs aren’t a priority for his entire life and many centuries before that, I wonder if he was going into this with a slightly larger dose of realism than you have?” When he didn’t respond, Maddy went on. “What you’re doing is really admirable, Alex. Truly. This has the potential to change the course of history. But it’s also literally changing the course of history. This is a gigantic departure from centuries of practice, philosophy, and mindset. Your optimism about it is so necessary, but so is Eric’s realism. This is a huge project and not an easy one, and I think Eric might have had a clearer picture of that than you did.”

Alex sighed and took a long pull of the apple highball their server had silently deposited at his elbow while Maddy was talking. “Christ, I’m an idiot sometimes,” he finally said in a low voice.

“Not an idiot,” Maddy corrected. “This is just new to you. There’s a learning curve. You may just need to adjust your expectations. This isn’t something that’s going to happen overnight.”

“I know you’re right.” Sighing again, he looked up at her. “Do I owe Eric an apology?”

Maddy stopped to think. “I don’t know that you’ve done anything that requires an apology…”

“Besides coming from a family that has profited massively off colonialism and white supremacy for centuries?”

“Well, I mean, there’s that. But in this case, since you haven’t actively intentionally subjugated anyone, I suspect what is more meaningful is your actions. You’re the one person in all these centuries who has really stopped to say, ‘How can I bring about meaningful change here?’ and that’s not nothing.” She took a pensive sip from her martini—which had become one of her favorite cocktails almost overnight. “I was going to say, it might be worth having another conversation about it with him. Admit to him that you’ve been operating under unreasonable expectations about how this project is going to go. Ask him to share how he sees it going so that you can both be on the same page and you’ll be able to moderate your expectations.”

Alex reached over to cover her hand with his. “You’re so wise,” he said, smiling at her fondly.

“I don’t know about that,” she said, brushing off his compliment. “I just spent the first twenty-seven years of my life as a cog in a massive bureaucracy. I know a thing or two about procedural red tape.”

The conversation moved on to lighter topics as their server brought in a decadent array of courses. They were lingering over coffee and petit fours when there was a short knock on the door to their dining room and then, without waiting for an answer, Graham entered, quickly shutting the door behind him. Maddy could tell from the look on his face that something was wrong.

Clearly Alex could too. “What is it?” he asked, his face registering slight alarm.

“Sir, it would appear the press have discovered you’re here. There’s a growing crowd of paparazzi out front. It’s starting to create something of a scene…”

Maddy was pretty sure Graham kept talking and she was aware of Alex saying something in response, but she couldn’t process any of their conversation. A dull buzzing had started in her ears. Her legs had gone all tingly and she couldn’t feel her hands. Her eyes focused on the half-eaten cake bite on her plate, but she wasn’t really seeing it. Horrendous scenes from almost two years earlier were playing in her mind’s eye. She heard the loud clicks of the cameras, the strange voices shouting her name. Felt the jostling of her body as photographers tried to get to her, indistinguishable from the touch of those trying to hurry her away to privacy.

Suddenly she was jolted back to the present. Alex had turned her chair to face him and taken both of her hands in his own. “Mads,” he was saying, insistently. “Maddy, darling, it’s okay.” She could tell by the tone in his voice that it wasn’t the first time he’d said it.

She blinked and tried to recenter herself in the present moment, but it was a struggle and she was only half hearing what he was saying. “…Really, it’s all right. I’ll saunter right out the front door, and Graham will take you home. Nobody will see. Truly, darling. It’s not that bad.”

She was vaguely aware of Graham standing over Alex’s shoulder, a look on his face that seemed almost… disapproving? Although that couldn’t be right. Graham was more loyal to Alex than Bertie was. As quickly as she’d registered it, Graham was turning away to answer his phone. A moment later he turned back to them. “Your Royal Highness, the other car is out front. You go out that way, and I’ll get Miss Maddy back to my vehicle.”

Maddy stood numbly and let Alex help her into her coat. He held her face in his hands gently and said something reassuring before kissing her quickly and slipping out into the main part of the restaurant.

“This way, Miss Maddy,” Graham said gently, leading her out the same door Alex had left, but turning in the opposite direction, toward the back of the restaurant. She followed him through the kitchen, ignoring the curious looks of the staff. After having her wait at a back door for a moment, he returned and ushered her directly into the backseat of his waiting Range Rover.

As Maddy sank into the black leather interiors, engulfed by the warmth from the blasting heat and the sumptuous interiors, she felt her awareness returning, measure by terrifying measure. Realizing how close they’d been to getting caught, how narrowly she’d escaped finding herself in the exact media circus she’d been subjected to after Evan’s death. Graham slowly pulled away from the curb and out of the alley behind the restaurant. As they swept past the front of the restaurant, she caught a glimpse of Alex posing gamely for a small handful of photographers on the front steps of the restaurant, allowing her and Graham to pass unnoticed.

The initial numbness had started to wear off, and Maddy realized that she was trembling violently and tears were running down her cheeks. In her periphery she was abstractly aware of the fact that Graham was sneaking frequent, concerned looks at her in the rearview mirror, but either out of respect or his years of training, he didn’t say anything, just drove her silently back to the side entrance of Winfield House and escorted her to the door.

An hour later, Alex was sprawled on his sofa, a tumbler of whiskey on the rocks in one hand, his other hand idly scratching Bertie’s ears. He’d changed from his suit into his favorite gray sweatpants and a worn black long-sleeved T-shirt. There was a football game he’d recorded on the TV, but he wasn’t really paying attention. He gazed into the fire in the fireplace, reflecting on Maddy’s insights into his expectations of the reparations project with Eric. He was turning over something she’d said when his phone buzzed on the couch next to him.

Graham

Sir, if it’s not too much trouble, could I come up? I’d like to debrief what happened tonight.

Alex sent a quick response before loping downstairs to let his driver in. Bertie made a nuisance of himself, showing off and prancing around on his back legs, trying to get the attention of one of his favorite people, while Alex tried to convince Graham to take his jacket off and relax.

“This won’t take a moment, sir,” he demurred quietly but firmly.

“Okay, well, at least come upstairs and stop loitering in the entry like an encyclopedia salesman.”

“Very good, sir,” Graham replied, following Alex begrudgingly up to the sitting room.

“I wanted to apologize, sir,” he said when they were both finally seated back in the sitting room. “I’m not sure how the paparazzi found out where you and Miss Maddy were dining, but I promise we’ll be more thorough in the future.”

“These things happen, Graham. I think we handled it well. Maddy got out of there without being seen. No harm, no foul, as they say, eh?”

“Well, that’s the thing, sir,” Graham said. Alex registered that Graham was fidgeting with his hands, the man’s clear tell that something was bothering him. He should have noticed it sooner.

“What is it?” he asked, a bit more sharply than he’d intended.

“Well, it’s Miss Maddy, sir,” he began slowly.

“She was pretty rattled,” Alex acknowledged.

Graham leveled him with A Look. “She was having a panic attack, if I may be blunt about it. ”

Alex’s eyes narrowed. “I mean, I know she was uncomfortable?—”

“Respectfully, sir, you didn’t see her once she got into the car,” Graham interjected.

“Go on,” Alex urged, leaning forward in his seat, suddenly wondering what he’d missed.

“She was a fair sight more than rattled, ” Graham told him directly. “The poor girl started shaking like a leaf and crying as soon as she got into the car.”

Graham’s words hit Alex like a physical blow. “Wait, really?”

His driver nodded somberly.

“Did she say anything?”

“She didn’t, and I didn’t want to pry,” Graham said. “But she was more upset than I’ve ever seen her.”

Alex slumped back into the couch, running a hand down his face. “I’m an idiot,” he sighed. Graham didn’t say anything. “I should have realized she wasn’t going to be okay.”

“If I may, sir?” When Alex nodded, Graham continued, “It may be that this is bringing up painful memories for her?”

“You know about that?” Alex asked, surprised.

“It’s my responsibility to know about the people with whom you’re spending time, sir.”

“I guess that’s true,” Alex responded. “But I’m sure you’re right. I suppose I didn’t realize the degree to which that would still impact her.” Graham stood as if to leave, and Alex suddenly felt extremely vulnerable. “Graham?”

“Sir?”

“What should I do? Should I go to her?”

Graham thought for a moment before responding. “Maybe just check on her, sir? She’s had a long night, and it’s getting late.”

Alex sighed. “And once again, you’re right.” He stood too. “Thank you, Graham. I needed to hear that. I appreciate it. ”

He walked the older man back to the front door and locked it behind them before returning to his place on the sofa. He picked up his phone, intending to call Maddy, but something made him stop. He set it down again, staring pensively into the fire. He found himself sifting through thoughts that swirled in his mind. How much he wanted Maddy. How badly they were failing at keeping things casual. How desperately he wanted their relationship to be something more, if he really got honest with himself. But also how hard his life would be for her. How fervently he wanted to prove to his family that he could be useful. He found himself wondering if there was any way to reconcile the seemingly contradictory ideas that were floating past his mind’s eye.

He was pulled from his thoughts by the vibration of his phone, still in his hand.

The Hot American

I’m so sorry about tonight. I totally freaked out and that was absolutely not what you needed. I think maybe I haven’t been entirely honest with myself about how much of that has stuck with me from before…

Regret and something bordering on outrage shot through Alex as he read her message. Without allowing himself to think further, he tapped her picture at the top of his contacts list to call her.

“Hey,” she answered. She sounded tired.

“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” he said fiercely, by way of greeting. “None of that was your doing. If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. Graham came by after he dropped you off to tell me how upset you were. I should have realized it, should have made sure you were okay before leaving you there. Maddy, I’m so sorry.”

“Alex, no, it’s not your fault. This is something I need to work on.” He heard a small sigh before she continued. “I don’t think I knew how not okay with it I was until tonight.”

“Right, but I should have realized how not okay you were.”

“You’re not a mind reader, Alex.”

“I’m not, but I am your—” He paused, realizing that they really hadn’t discussed labels for their situation, much as he’d love nothing more than to be able to call himself her boyfriend. Starting over, he said, “I’ve spent enough time with you that I should have been more aware that you were panicking. Should have noticed that you were more than just a little shaken up.”

“Alex, it’s okay. You were in damage control mode. I’m the one who just completely froze.”

“Darling, you froze for completely understandable reasons,” he said, his tone gentling. “I just wish I’d stopped being in solutions mode for two seconds to realize that so I could have helped.”

“I’m fine,” she said quietly. “Graham probably thinks I’m a nutcase, but I took a hot shower and made myself a cup of tea when I got home and that helped.”

“If Graham thinks anyone is a nutcase, it’s me,” Alex retorted. “The way he had to explain how not okay you were to me like I was five…” He heard a small chuckle from Maddy’s end of the phone and some of the anxiety that he hadn’t fully processed unwound itself from around his chest. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. “Do you want me to come over?”

“I’m fine.” He heard a stifled yawn. “Now that the adrenaline is wearing off, I’m mostly just exhausted. I really just wanted to apologize for totally losing it tonight.”

“Don’t you dare try to apologize again, okay? Your feelings, your responses are valid. We’ll just be more careful in the future, yeah?”

She murmured her assent, and after saying goodnight, they rang off.

An hour later, Alex found himself still staring into the flames in the fireplace again, wondering how far “more careful” could really take them.