Spare Me

Chapter 21

M arch turned to April, and spring started to come to London in tiny fits and starts. The slush had mostly melted away from the gutters and tiny pops of bright green were starting to appear on the barren branches of the trees in Regent’s Park. Maddy had returned to her habits of the preceding fall, trying to get back to being able to run the full four and a half kilometers around the outer circle of the park. She didn’t get out every day, but she found it so useful for clearing her head when she was able to move her body, so she tried to make it a priority at least two or three times a week.

On one of these days, Maddy found her thoughts drifting to her relationship with Alex. After the near-miss in February, they’d made more serious attempts at keeping things casual, aided by his rapidly filling schedule of pre-wedding events. His parents had reluctantly handed over a few smaller patronages to him, mostly ones that didn’t require public events, she’d noticed, but still, between those and Maddy’s work at the embassy, they were only able to see each other once or twice a week most weeks. As Maddy’s legs carried her past the gleaming dome of London’s Central Mosque and towards the lake, she knew the time was coming when she’d have to make a choice.

The email telling her she’d been accepted to Georgetown had come the day before. The surge of immense pride she felt seeing the words “It is our pleasure to inform you of your admission…” was pretty much unparalleled. She’d experienced a number of proud moments in her past, but, upon reflection, a lot of them were being proud of someone else: seeing her father and Evan receive military promotions, seeing Alex and Mrs. Stewart carry off the gala concert, hearing Alex tell her about the progress he and Eric were making on the reparations project. Rarely had that pride been directed inwardly. Yet the pride was almost immediately followed by a surge of heartbreak, knowing that she’d have to decide between forging her own path and continuing to feel the warmth of Alex’s affection.

She hadn’t actually told Alex that she’d applied for master’s programs. The applications had been due right around the time of their first dinner date, so it hadn’t come up in conversation then. And then the moment had just never seemed right. Maddy knew that Alex would be thrilled for her. He’d made it clear that her happiness and fulfillment was a priority for him, and as someone who obviously felt that he lacked agency in the trajectory of his own life, she was confident that he’d support anything she did to take her own life path by the horns. And yet she still hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell him. Alex seemed so singularly focused on her own happiness and satisfaction. He constantly reminded her that he wanted her to know what it felt like to be someone’s priority. It felt amazing. But she also suspected that he’d push her toward her own accomplishments and happiness at the expense of his own. Because as much as he wanted her to feel like someone’s priority, she also suspected that his desire to make her feel valued and important came from a deep need to feel the same way. It was just one more thing that had the potential to torpedo their relationship, and she didn’t relish the idea of facing that reality any sooner than she needed to.

But the fact of the matter was that soon she’d have to decide whether she was leaving London over the summer or sticking it out a bit longer to see what happened after the election. To potentially give her relationship with Alex, such as it was, more time. The stark lines of the Marylebone Green playground’s concrete structures came into view as she turned her thoughts over in her head, the shrieks of children flying down the slide and the feeling of her sneakers pounding along the path accompanying her attempts to sort out her feelings. When it came down to it, the pros of staying were:

Alex

Staying out of the public eye

Alex

Not having to move

Nadia’s friendship

Nadia’s brownies

Alex.

The pros of going were:

Getting to choose her own path for essentially the first time

Forwarding her career with an advanced degree

Her love of learning

Not having to constantly figure out the time difference from London to her parents’ home in Kansas.

She had to admit that, on paper at least, the pros of going far outweighed most of the pros of staying. But the fact of Alex threatened to tip the scales. Even as they tried to keep things casual, Alex made her feel seen, important, treasured in a way she’d never felt before. When he asked about her day, her work, even what she was reading, the way he listened intently was unlike anything she’d ever experienced.

And the way he worshiped her body was entirely new, as well. She tried to push back the thoughts of how exactly he’d become so proficient in bed and instead focused on the many scintillating and creative ways he found to send her into orgasmic bliss. After their first time having sex on Christmas night, new toys not infrequently found their way into the drawer of his nightstand. Once he discovered exactly what she liked, it was as if he made an academic study of bringing her pleasure.

On one very memorable occasion he’d even had a small, discreetly wrapped package delivered to her at Winfield House containing a pair of lacy black panties that, as she discovered on their date that night, could be controlled by a remote that he hid in his pocket. After their entrees had arrived, he’d told their waitstaff not to come to take their dessert order until he called for them, and had spent a deliciously torturous thirty minutes teasing her while she tried to eat a piece of salmon.

But was the promise of their high-flying physical relationship and the burgeoning emotional intimacy enough to keep her from pursuing her own dreams? Maddy wasn’t sure. As much as she wanted to think that if she stayed somehow they’d be able to work something out, a big part of her knew it was impossible. No matter how many lovely things Alex said about his gregarious but caring family, she knew there was no way they could ever accept a thoroughly average American as his serious partner. He needed someone who could stand up with him in the most important, weightiest occasions of state. Someone who had been brought up amongst England’s upper crust and inherently understood the ways of high society and the appropriate form of address for each tier of nobility. An American army brat was never going to be accepted by the upper echelons of British society, and she knew it. Alex already had to fight every day to prove his worthiness to represent the family on the international stage. He didn’t need to have to fight to prove the legitimacy of his relationship on top of everything else.

And besides, she knew all too well that it was only a matter of time before the press found out about them. The British tabloid media was notoriously cruel, and the fact that they hadn’t been discovered yet truly surprised her. And the last time she’d subverted her own dreams and desires for a man, it had ended in heartbreak and a raft of unwanted press attention, and no matter how she spun it, she couldn’t imagine a scenario in which this flash-in-the-pan romance didn’t end the same way.

The London Zoo came into view as she continued to ruminate. All signs pointed to accepting Georgetown’s offer and pursuing her own dreams for once in her life. And yet. When she closed her eyes and saw Alex’s gray ones boring into her soul, the way he smiled at her, lifted her up, made her feel seen and cared for, it threatened to stop her in her tracks. She rarely let herself really examine her deepest feelings on the matter because the truth scared the crap out of her. But when she did, she found herself realizing that she wasn’t sure how she was going to live without him. That the collection of stolen moments together, of backroom kisses, of late-night cuddle sessions that turned into languorous sex at his apartment—they were knitting her soul back together. Alex’s attentions made her feel strong and motivated in a way she couldn’t remember feeling before. And something told her not to discount that, even as it flew in the face of all the rational thoughts she had on the subject.

She really wished she could talk to Alex about it, but she knew inherently that he’d push her towards her own dreams, even at the expense of his own happiness. As much as she didn’t want to hurt him, if someone was going to do it, it needed to be her. She couldn’t let him lay down on his own sword, which she knew he wouldn’t hesitate to do if he thought it was best for her. They hadn’t talked about it, but she was starting to suspect that Alex might also be developing the feelings they’d promised to avoid. Much as she hated to admit it, she was concerned that they might be failing at keeping things casual.

Passing the running track where the real runners practiced, Maddy gasped for breath as Winfield House came into view. Despite forty-five minutes of movement and mulling, she still didn’t feel any closer to a decision than she had been when she set out. So as she approached the back door of Winfield House, she shoved her thoughts back down deep into her brain and refocused on the day’s work at the embassy.