Spare Me

Chapter 32

E arly afternoon light dappled the walkway next to the Tidal Basin, the light streaming through the blazing autumnal leaves of the cherry trees that lined the reservoir. Maddy hadn’t spent a spring in Washington yet, but even though she knew the blossoms would be radiant in April, it was hard to imagine topping their October glory. She and Alex were strolling leisurely, hand-in-hand, his plainclothes security officer following them at an inconspicuous distance.

She glanced up at Alex’s face, shaded partially by the Georgetown baseball cap he’d borrowed from her hall closet on their way out the door. After another languorous session of reunion sex that morning, they’d wandered over to Maddy’s favorite brunch spot in the neighborhood, where Alex tucked into a huge plate of challah French toast and Maddy stuffed herself with eggs Benedict. The conversation had been easy—they fell right back into their old ways and had so much to catch up on after having not spoken in months. She told Alex about the relaxing few weeks she’d spent at her parents’ before moving to Georgetown, about the orange-and-white-striped neighborhood cat who kept jumping the brick wall into the courtyard outside her bedroom window and scaring the crap out of her when she opened her blinds. Alex got her up to speed on his mother’s recovery, the way he and Ben and Hannah had stepped up to fill in for his parents, and the slow but steady progress he and Eric were making on their reparations project.

Maddy found herself marveling that they could just pick back up where they’d left off. In her low moments, when she couldn’t sleep and felt the absence of a warm body in the bed next to her, strong arms encircling her, she’d sometimes allowed herself to wonder what it would be like if she ever saw Alex again. Let herself dream about him surprising her by coming to Washington. Never in a million years had she actually thought it might happen.

And yet here he was. Walking next to her like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like she hadn’t broken both of their hearts and left him just exactly at the moment he’d needed her most. Like they hadn’t been apart for five months. But they had. And the facts of the situation hadn’t changed. Maddy’s life was here in DC, going to class, teaching her students, and figuring out, for the first time ever, what she really wanted to do with her life. Actually choosing a path forward, blazing her own trail. And Alex was doing amazing work in London. The way his face lit up when he talked about the team Eric was developing and the weekly Wednesday dinners he’d instituted with Ben and Hannah. How could she ask him to leave all of that? She couldn’t.

And so, even though she was deliriously happy to find herself strolling past the elegant arched dome of the Thomas Jefferson Memorial, looking across the water at the Washington Monument, holding hands with Alex, she couldn’t stop herself from asking, “Okay, so I have to know: what are we doing here? How long are you staying? We can’t keep doing this without an actual plan to be together. It’s not good for either of us.”

Alex smiled down at her fondly. “My Mads, always thinking about the logistics.”

He led her over to a bench and drew her down to sit next to him. After kissing the side of her head gently he turned, one bent leg on the bench, to face her.

“You’re right,” he said, inhaling deeply. “Well, to answer one of your questions…” He paused and bit his lip. “I bought a flexible ticket. I can leave tomorrow, or I can stay forever.”

Her eyes went wide.

“I mean, if you want me to.”

“I mean, you staying forever would be the absolute dream, but what about your family? Your patronages? Bertie?”

“Well, Bertie we’ll have to get over here, one way or another,” he said. “But really, my family has been doing just fine without me for years. Plus, now they’ve got Hannah. She’s got the mind and complete intolerance for bullshit to keep Eric’s reparations project on track day-to-day. And I’ll go back for the big meetings, videoconference in when I can. That’s really the only patronage I’d be really worried about. And realistically, with the way she and my brother can’t stay away from each other, they’ll start popping out heirs to replenish the ranks any day now. I have a degree in the history of art and architecture, and I have a little bit of experience and family history in international relations. I figured between the modernity you Americans consider ‘old’ buildings and this being the center of your government, I can probably find some way to earn my keep.”

Maddy huffed out a laugh then sobered. “But what about your role there? You wanted them to take you seriously for so long. And you finally got there. You’re doing this. You’re amazing at it. Why would you walk away from that?”

“Well, you see, there’s this girl,” he said, reaching out to toy with a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. “And it turns out, I can’t really live without her.”

“Alex, be serious.”

“I’m dead serious.”

“But you’d just walk away from that role for me?”

“My role being ‘the Spare’? Maddy, the fact that it took me this long to do it makes me a certifiable dumbass. I’m a prince. At the risk of sounding obnoxious, I could have twenty job offers tomorrow if I wanted them. All I want is to be here. With you. Making sure you finally get to do whatever you want.” He smiled at her and then grew more serious. “What is it that you want to do? I never got the chance to ask about your program, to hear what you’re dreaming up. It’s been eating at me for months.”

“What?” she said incredulously. “All those important things to figure out, and you’re wondering what I’m doing for my master’s?”

He leveled her with a serious gaze. “There was not a single day I didn’t think about you. Wonder what you were doing. Wonder how you were. I regretted letting you walk out of my apartment that night as soon as I woke up the next morning and wasn’t out of my mind with exhaustion. Hell, I think I regretted it that night too. But I never stopped wanting to fight for you. For us.” Her eyes filled with tears, and she looked out over the water, blinking. “So yes, I want to know what you’re doing. What is this amazing degree you’re getting?”

“Well, the degree is called Democracy and Governance.”

“And what does one do with a degree in democracy and governance?”

“Well, past graduates have worked for all kinds of American government agencies, international agencies, NGOs, political campaigns…”

Alex interrupted her. “Ok, let me rephrase that: what do you want to do with a degree in democracy and governance, besides memorizing the brochure?”

She sighed. “Honestly? I’m not really sure. Which feels kind of stupid.”

“Are you enjoying your classes? Do you feel like you’re getting something out of it?”

“I mean, it’s only been six weeks, but yeah, I love them. I’m learning so much. It’s so hard but so fascinating. They’re taking us on a trip to Slovakia in the spring to learn about establishing post-communist democracy.”

Alex smiled at her warmly. “Then it’s not stupid at all. It sounds like a great fit for you, Mads.” She felt her cheeks flush, warming at his praise, his interest. “You don’t have to know exactly what you want to do—as long as it feels like you’re doing something that’s the right thing for right now, I say that’s more than good enough.”

“Thanks,” she said. “When I applied I thought I’d want to use the degree to go back and get another embassy job, something with a bit more policy and strategy and a bit less coffee fetching and craft projects, but now I’m not sure. There are so many opportunities here.”

“Do you want to know what I think?” Alex asked, reaching over to put his hand over hers where it rested on the bench between them.

“Of course.”

“You’re doing this amazing thing, choosing your own adventure for the first time in your life. I don’t think you have to decide exactly what you want to do. Let yourself explore. Let yourself try things and see what you like. You’re finally doing this, finally figuring out what you want for yourself. You don’t have to know exactly what that is on the first pass. You can take time to just enjoy the journey.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “I just… I don’t want anyone to think I’m wasting time. ”

“Maddy, I’m so proud of you. In my book, nothing that you’re choosing to do just for yourself could ever be a waste of time.”

Maddy found her eyes filling again. “Thank you.”

“And, if you’ll let me, I’ll be here cheering you on the whole way and finding anyone who says you’re wasting your time and kicking them in the shins.”

She let out a watery laugh, then leaned closer to kiss him, nuzzling her nose against his. “Are you sure?”

“Madeleine Cartwright, I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”