Spare Me

Chapter 33

O ne morning a few weeks later, they woke up, curled around each other. “There’s something I have to do today,” Maddy said.

“Okay…” Alex said, kissing her naked shoulder. “What is it?”

“I need to go out to Arlington,” she stumbled a bit, “to… to visit Evan. To go to his grave. It’s his birthday.” The words came out in a rush.

“Of course, sweetheart,” Alex said, holding her closer. “Would it be okay with you if I came with you?”

She shifted, looking at him in surprise. “You’d want to do that?” she asked. “You really don’t have to. I don’t mind going alone.”

“No, I’d actually really like to,” Alex replied. “He was an important part of your life for a really long time. I’d like to join you.” He paused. “Of course, if it’s okay with you.”

She looked at him, her eyes a little watery, “Of course you can come.” She kissed him, sweetly, tenderly, and then snuggled up to him, her arms around his naked chest, her head tucked under his chin. He kissed the top of her head, and she sighed contentedly. A year ago, the idea of doing this, of going to Evan’s grave, would have filled her with guilt and grief, but today she was different. Her heart still ached for Evan, for the waste of a young, promising life. For her best friend. But the guilt that had consumed her wasn’t there anymore.

“Okay,” she said, rolling over and sitting on the side of the bed. “I’m going to shower and get dressed, and then we can go.”

An hour and a half later, they were driving through the main gates at the cemetery. Maddy pulled a card from her purse and showed it to the guard at the gate, who saluted and waved them through. Alex looked at her questioningly. “It’s a pass. Family members get permanent parking passes so that we can come visit anytime we want.”

He squeezed her hand, gently. “When was the last time you were here?”

“The day he was buried. About two and a half years ago,” she said quietly. “Part of me wanted to come before I left for London, but between the media and the guilt and needing to get there, it didn’t happen.”

She directed their driver to the appropriate section and pointed him to the curb where they could park. She and Alex got out, and she led the way up a hill. Evan’s final resting place was in a line with the others in his unit who had been killed in the same accident. Together in their ultimate sacrifice, together for eternity. As his headstone came into view, Alex stopped and said, “I’ll be right here.”

Maddy nodded, grateful both for his company and that he understood that this was something she needed to do alone. She took a steadying breath and then walked the last twenty feet or so on her own, noticing the familiar names as she passed. Michael, Cameron, Joaquin… a few had fresh flowers by their headstones, but not all, and she made a mental note to bring more bouquets on her next visit. At the small white headstone, she crouched to lay the small bunch of burgundy dahlias she’d brought down in front and ran her hand across the top, wiping away the small amount of dust and pollen that had settled.

“Hey, Ev,” she said quietly, clearing her throat to try to dislodge the lump that had developed there. “It’s me.” She ran a finger over the inscription on the front of the stone, a simple outline of a cross with his name, followed by the insignia of the Medal of Honor he’d been awarded posthumously. Although they’d handed it to Maddy at the ceremony, she’d insisted that his mother take the medal itself afterwards. “I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been here,” she went on, feeling slightly ridiculous talking to a marble slab. “I needed to get away for a bit. To clear my head, to figure out what to do next.” She paused. “I feel like you either know all of this or can’t hear me at all, but I guess I can just tell you,” she said with a sad chuckle. “I went to London. I met someone. He’s amazing. I think you’d really like him. His name is Alex. He understands what it means to be loyal almost to a fault. Like you.” She choked up, again, surprised by her own emotion. “And he loves me. So much. He’ll take care of me.

“Evan, I think we both knew that even though we loved each other, it wasn’t the fireworks and stars kind of love. It kills me that you never got to experience that… but I do. Alex showed me what love can really be like. And I think I owe it to myself to let him love me. And to love him back. He can never change that you were my first kiss, my first everything. You’ll always have a special part of my heart. Please know that.” Her voice broke and as she closed her eyes, and took a steadying breath, a tear slipped down her cheek. “But I think Alex is my future, Ev. I’m pretty sure he’s the one. He brought me back from such a terrible place. He held me. He forced me to let hi m take care of me, which you know isn’t easy to do. You never could,” she let out a watery laugh thinking of Evan’s occasional half-hearted attempts to be the caretaker in their relationship, when they both knew that wasn’t ever going to be his role.

“I’m going to grad school now,” she said, unsure of what to say when there was so much to say. “I got into Georgetown, so I’m closer. I won’t go so long between visits,” she promised. “I hope you knew. How much I loved you. How much you meant to me. Even if you weren’t The One, you were so important. And I miss you so damn much.” She swallowed again, choking back the tears. “But I hope you can be happy for me. Maybe even proud of me. Because I’m so proud of you.”

It was an unusually warm day for November in DC—blue skies, the last vibrant leaves of fall clinging to the trees nearby, completely calm. But at that moment a sudden gust of wind swirled past Maddy, rustling her hair where it lay on the shoulders of her coat and cooling her tear-streaked cheeks. She looked up in surprise. She wasn’t one for superstition, but for just a second there, she believed that it almost could have been a sign.

A few more tears fell down her face and she pushed herself to standing, unable to keep going. She kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the top of the stone, her eyes closed, trying to convey her feelings without the words that she was struggling to form.

Brushing the grass clippings and a few leaves from her black pants and the hem of her coat, she turned and headed back to Alex. He opened his arms as she got closer and held her, silently stroking her hair as she cried into the front of his jacket. After a few minutes she pulled back, wiping her eyes, and nodded as she looked up at him. “Thanks,” she said unsteadily with a small nod. “We can go now. ”

“Actually,” he said, swallowing thickly, “I wanted to pay my respects too. If you’re okay with that?”

She looked up in surprise, but nodded. “Of course. I’ll wait right here.” A pause. “Unless… you want me to make introductions?”

He chuckled and kissed the top of her head, “No, I think I can take it from here, thanks.”

She squeezed his hand as he walked past her, stopping at Evan’s headstone. He crouched, a hand balanced on the top of the stone. Wiping her eyes again, Maddy could see his lips moving, hear the low murmur of his voice, but she was too far away to hear the words he was saying. After a few minutes Alex stood and, after standing silently in front of the stone for a moment, touched the top of it again, as if in farewell, and walked back to Maddy.

He took her hand and they started walking down the hill to where the driver waited, leaning against the car, his hat under his arm. “Do you feel better?” Alex asked, looking down at her.

She nodded. “Yes. I got a few things off my chest that I think needed to be said.”

“Good,” he said, squeezing her hand.

“Do you mind if I ask what you said?” she asked.

“I just thought I owed him an introduction. To make sure he knew that you had someone looking after you. I suspect he and I have a few things in common, and if I were in his place, I’d want to know that someone was taking care of my woman. Especially if she was a woman who was so focused on taking care of others…” He left the “and not herself” unsaid, but they both knew it.

“Thank you,” she whispered, wiping one last tear from her face.

“Let’s go home,” he said, putting his arm around her and guiding her into the back seat.