Spite Crush (Rock Hard #2)

Chapter Fifteen

~Kellen~

From the moment I landed in Florida, I was too busy to freak out about the almost conversation Zak and I had shared regarding our not-quite-relationship.

The end of a tour was always insane, trying to wrap up obligations to the crew and ensure that instruments and electronics were cataloged for repairs and tune ups before being stored or shipped to our individual homes .

Then there were the back-to-back final shows, which were exhausting on their own, but coupled with the fact that Tim, Ford and I were so sick of each other by that point that every word spoken between us was pretty much shouted…well by time I walked off stage after our second encore I was ready to climb in a hole and sleep for a week.

But when I got back to the hotel, sleep wouldn’t come. Now that everything was done and I was free of the stress of touring, I just wanted to talk to Zak .

Kellen

Are you awake?

Zak

It’s eleven. I’m not that old.

Kellen

Sure you’re not.

Did you have a game tonight?

Zak

Playoffs start Tuesday. How was your show?

Kellen

It was fine.

“Hey,” I said, answering his call. “What’s up? ”

“Nothing,” Zak said. “I just wanted to talk for a few minutes. I’m not really a big texter.”

“Yeah,” I teased. “Not a lot of old people are.”

“Fuck you.” He chuckled. “So how was your show, really?

“The show was fine,” I said. “Really. I’m just glad it’s over. What have you been up to?”

“Practice.” He let out a sigh. “Sutherland is so freaked out about us reaching the playoffs that he’s terrified we’re going to fuck it up right out of the gate. So he’s got us running drills, reviewing tapes and encouraging us to meditate and shit. It’s fucking annoying.”

“Sounds like he should try meditation.”

“Well, it’s that or we’re going to have to sedate him until Tuesday.”

Silence stretched for a minute and I ached to admit how much I missed him. But that wasn’t helpful for either of us. He was about to start a playoff run and I had to go back to Los Angeles.

“Should I let you go? ”

“No!” I answered, a little too loudly and definitely too quickly. “I mean, if you need to go, that’s fine.”

“I don’t have anything else I’d rather be doing,” he said.

“Really?”

“Really,” he said and I could hear the smile in his tone. “Can I tell you that I miss you?”

“I miss you, too.” I covered the receiver as I let out a sigh of relief. “Look, I know we haven’t had time to really talk about stuff, but I want you to know that you’re very important to me. ”

God. Really? Could I sound any more stupid?

“Yeah?”

“I could have worded it better,” I admitted. “But, yes.”

“You’re important to me, too, Kellen. I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I don’t know how they usually start, or how you even discuss with someone if you’re in one.”

“Do you want a relationship?” My heart started hammering in my chest and I hoped like heck that my voice wasn’t shaking as I asked the question.

“I think I do,” he said.

“You think?” I huffed out a breath. “Listen. I have an anxiety disorder, as you well know. I’m going to need you to be very, very clear with me when we have serious conversations. Words like I think, maybe, probably…you need to drop those from your vocabulary when you speak to me.”

“You’re right,” he agreed. “It’s not fair to be ambiguous. But somehow I feel like asking you to be my boyfriend is the most high school bullshit phrasing that could possibly come out of my mouth. So why you don’t help me out and tell me what the fuck you want.”

“I want you,” I said. “I want only you for as long as we’re both happy with the arrangement.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“Well, I feel the same way.” He chuckled softly. “That was both easier and more difficult than I thought it was going to be. ”

“I think you’ll find that that’s pretty common when it comes to dealing with me.”

“Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” My brow furrowed as I wondered what I could have said to upset him.

“Act like you’re some kind of burden people have to deal with?”

“Well I kind of am,” I admitted. “I mean, the first time we actually met you had to calm me down from a panic attack. ”

“That doesn’t make you a burden,” he insisted. “It makes you human.”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” I said.

I appreciated the sentiment, but I’d lived with my challenges my whole life. I’d watched relationships crumble when I got to be too much for people. Had dealt with my best friends turning into little more than colleagues because I’d driven them so crazy with my ADHD and anxiety that they could barely tolerate me anymore. He really had no idea what he was talking about.

“So what do you want to talk about?” he asked.

“Something real,” I said. “Tell me something real about you.”

“Something real,” he repeated slowly. “Like that my favorite color used to be green until I met you and saw the color of your eyes?”

“Stop it.” I felt heat rise in my cheeks, embarrassed by his very sweet compliment. I might like to hear stuff like that in bed, but it made me uncomfortable everywhere else .

“It’s true,” he said. “But I take your point.” He blew out a soft sigh before continuing. “I didn’t realize I was gay until college. I was too busy practicing and working my ass off to really think about dating anyone. I mean, I knew something was different, but I may as well have been asexual for all that anyone else mattered in my head.”

“What made you finally figure it out?”

“I got drunk at a party with a teammate. He grabbed me and gave me the grossest, sloppiest kiss. Honestly it was disgusting.” He barked out a laugh. “But everything inside of me lit up like a Tesla dashboard. It all finally registered and I was both relieved and terrified in equal measure. Nothing else ever happened between us, but we remained friends and he taught me how to pick up the signs. So when I did finally meet someone looking for a hook up a year later, it wasn’t as awkward as it might have been.”

I appreciated him sharing that story with me so much. This was what I wanted with him. Honesty and openness. And I knew I wanted to share my truth with him as well.

“I can’t remember a time I didn’t know I was gay. I had the biggest fucking crush on Steve Burns. Like…it was a problem.” I laughed as I thought back to the way I would stare captivated by the man on my television screen. “To this day I get hard when I see a green crayon.”

“So you must have started getting experience pretty young?”

“Kind of. I mean, in high school I gave a lot of straight guys handjobs.”

“Really? Why? ”

“Yeah.” I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “Straight guys don’t tell. I didn’t know if I wanted my truth out there for everyone to know my business, you know? And straight dudes don’t want to admit anything happened between them another guy.”

“What did you get out of that arrangement?”

“Usually five bucks and a candy bar.”

“You’re such an asshole.” He chuckled and I could imagine him shaking his head on the other end of the line. “Was any of that true?”

“All of it was true,” I promised him. “Well, not the payment. But yeah. And I guess what I really got out of it was confirmation. You know how people ask what you would do even if you weren’t getting paid?”

“You’d jerk off straight guys?”

“Shut up.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s one thing to see the beauty in Steve Burns on television. It’s another to touch a man and know for sure that you really are gay. Just like I know I’d still be playing music even if we’d never made it out of the garage. And you’d still find a way to play to hockey even if you never went pro. We are who we are, Zak. And the peace that comes from knowing that is everything.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I guess it is.” He let out a soft sigh into the receiver. “Your tour is over now, right?”

“Yeah. Tonight was the last show.”

“What are your plans?”

“Well, tonight I’m going to sleep in this big empty bed, all by myself. Then I’ll probably head back to L.A.. I’m supposed to be working on a new album and the label is going to want us in the studio eventually.” God, I really didn’t want to even think about that. I hadn’t had a new idea in months and honestly I wasn’t even sure I wanted to make another album for HSF.

“What if you took some time off?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come to Michigan.”

“ What ?” I couldn’t believe he was asking me that. I mean, I wanted nothing more than to see him again. But this was reckless. Dangerous even.

“I want you to come stay with me.” He let out a soft sigh. “Look, I’m not asking you to walk away from your life in L.A. or anything. But you’re done with your tour and I have a few days before the playoffs start and I feel like maybe this is an opportunity for us.”

“You mean a test,” I said, thinking I was finally understanding why he was asking me to come there. “To see if we only work in hotels and locker rooms or if this can be something real.”

“Kellen,” he said firmly. “This is real. I’m not saying I’m ready to come out and announce my truth to the world. But I want you to come to Michigan because…I want you to come to Michigan. There’s no ulterior motive, this isn’t a test we can pass or fail. This is just me asking you to come stay with me because I want to spend time with you.”

“Okay.” I mean honestly, how could I refuse him anything at this point? I didn’t want to believe that I was falling for him, because if I allowed that to happen I was going to get my heart broken. But he was right. This was something real. And maybe for once I owed it to myself to let things play out without just waiting for the inevitable end.

Not everything needed to be catastrophized before it even had a chance to start.

“Really?”

“Did you want me to say no?” I asked with a laugh. “Text me your address and I’ll be there tomorrow. ”

We hung up and I sat there for a minute, wondering how the hell I was going to make this work. I knew I needed to get to Michigan without drawing attention to myself, which meant that flying commercial was out. I’d chartered a flight to Vegas, but that was far less conspicuous than chartering another to the Midwest.

Then I remembered reading about a friend in another band who’d just negotiated for a private jet from our label. And that band happened to be playing a festival show in Tampa that very same night .

I opened my phone and scrolled to the V’s in my contacts, pushing the call button before I could chicken out.

“Yo.”

“Hey, Rye,” I said nervously. “It’s Kellen Fox. I was hoping to ask a favor.”