Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

19. Sophie

SOPHIE

I jerked awake in the carriage only to realize that I’d fallen asleep with my head leaning against Meena’s shoulder. I quickly scanned her leather tunic and cotton cloak to see if I had drooled on her. “I’m sorry.”

She smiled down at me, her face shadowy in the low light of the kryalcomy lantern. “Don’t be, Lady Sophie. It’s good for you to get some rest while you can. You had a terrible fright at midday and then had to explain yourself to the king before being interrogated by Princess Annabelle. Your mind can’t have had the chance to process half of what’s happened.” She paused. “You’ve done an amazing job today. Rest. You’re safe here with me. There is no need to worry about appearances.”

I looked away, my cheeks heating. “Thank you, Meena.” I licked my lips as the fog of sleep cleared a little from my brain. “And I’m sorry for what happened at Lord Lyrason’s manor earlier. I know I don’t make it easy for you to guard me.”

Meena inclined her head to me. “Guarding and defending you will always be the greatest honor of my life.”

I smiled at her, not sure what she saw in me to warrant such a statement. “I’m very grateful to have you, Meena.”

The carriage wheels scraped over gravel as we came to a stop. The footman tapped on the roof. Meena opened the door and held out her hand for me. “We’re back in Highfair, my lady. Watch your step.”

I was so tired, I swayed as I stepped out of the carriage onto the street right next to our garden gate, gravel spilling out from the path to our house. The moon was clear and bright, the air cool enough for me to clutch my cloak tight across my chest. It had been such a long day, and now that things were quieter, my mind kept circling back to being trapped with those creatures in the half-dark, Gregane’s delighted laugh at my terror, and the similarities between that room and the pitch black cellar of broken glass where I’d sat in dread, straining to hear Father’s approaching footsteps.

Normally after such incidents, my mind was caught in a downward spiral of despair. But strangely, despite my bone-weary fatigue, underneath it all, I still felt strong. I had gone into Lord Lyrason’s house and taken what we needed. I’d been terrified, but I had still won. Then I’d spoken with the king, turning the incident against Lord Lyrason instead of me. And now, Annabelle was on our side as well.

All in one day.

I had achieved things I’d never thought possible. I was…proud of myself. Just a year ago, I wouldn’t have managed any of that. The thought made me almost heady with pleasure.

I had taken large risks, and only then had I seen what I was capable of.

I stumbled on the gravel. Strong arms caught me from behind. I looked over my shoulder and smiled gratefully to Meena. “Thank you.”

Meena looked concerned. “I worry you’ve pushed yourself too hard today, Lady Sophie. Physician Harris wouldn’t be pleased. Maybe you should spend tomorrow at home. You must be exhausted. You’re part of a team that can share the load. Remember that.”

I sighed, the concern in her voice bringing me down from euphoria with the reminder of how much more we had to achieve and what was at stake. “We have too little time, Meena. I worry that we’ve realized the situation very late.”

She tightened her lips in sympathy. “If there is one thing I have learned about the general, it is that no situation is too late for him to turn around. Have faith in us, Lady Sophie.”

I smiled at her warm, earnest eyes. “Of course. I have faith in all of you. But I hope you have faith in me too. It shouldn’t just be up to Kasten to turn this situation around.”

The grip of her hand softened. “I didn’t mean to imply that I have any less faith in you than I do the general. All of us have important roles to play.”

I nodded in agreement, too tired to continue the conversation.

I trudged up the last of the narrow garden path to the steps and looked forward to collapsing onto the sofa with a hot drink. I’d only made it up the first one when the doors flung open and Kasten came out, jumping down the steps three at a time. Before I had the chance to exclaim, he scooped me up into his arms and carried me inside. I barely managed to contain my squeal. What would the servants think? What would anyone think?

I locked my arms around his neck as he carried me to the small sitting room that was meant just for us now the soldiers were housed elsewhere. “Kasten, I can walk.”

The tendons on his neck were standing out. His face was serious. “You must be exhausted. I’ve been worried about you. What were you doing to be back so late? Callum told me everything you discovered today at Lord Lyrason’s manor. I can’t believe what that twisted excuse of a man did to you.”

Instead of putting me down, he sat with me still in his arms so I ended up curled beneath his chin on his lap. His arms didn’t relax, but stayed around me, locking me in place. He rested his forehead in my hair. “I’ve missed you. I’ve been so worried.”

If any of my limbs hadn’t been completely weak from exhaustion, they were weak now that I was with my husband. I didn’t try to pull away but nestled into the firmness of his chest and the strength of his arms. That endless strength. At last, I could relax and be vulnerable. Nothing depended on this moment. I could simply be.

“You don’t have to do everything yourself, you know,” he murmured into my hair.

I tilted my head back to look up at his face, all sharp lines from shadows and firelight with the exception of his lips that always seemed too soft for the rest of him. “Nor do you. And I didn’t. I had Meena and Callum with me. Callum is the one doing the really hard work discovering the cure. I don’t know how he thinks he can work it out from the little information he has, especially when it involves haemalcomy.”

Kasten was studying each feature of my face in an intense way that made my toes curl. He freed one of his arms so he could brush some hair behind my ear. My hairstyle had to look a mess. I had barely had the chance to look in a mirror today, and my dress was ill fitting. It was all we had managed to find when Lord Lyrason had told a servant to grab a spare dress—so he didn’t have to put up with the smell of my soiled clothes—before dragging us to the palace. Kasten didn’t seem to notice any of that.

He pushed back another strand of hair that I was pretty sure was already behind my ear, but he seemed to like stroking my face, and my skin tingled under his calluses. “If anyone can do it, Callum can,” he said softly. “He said the Originals had collars around their necks, similar to one they fitted around you when they were healing you. He thinks they block the link between the two kryalcomy poles. It’s what stops more of the Original’s vitality from being sucked away so they remain alive yet weak enough to still be infectious.”

I frowned. Callum was right, they had all worn collars. I’d assumed they were to attach them to the walls by their chains. But now I thought about it, their collars had been thick and made of a paler metal than the chain. How had Callum been so observant in that situation?

Kasten’s eyes were combing my face in concern. “We don’t have to talk about that place now if you don’t want to.”

I sighed and shook my head. The event still wasn’t haunting me like I’d expected. I was glad I’d done it. Everything today had been worth it. “No, it’s all right. We need to talk about it. I just wish we could free them and save them.”

“Of course.” Kasten half laughed then smiled his unusual tender smile that he only gave me. “Of course, that is what you would be thinking about.” He gave a small shrug. “Perhaps we can, once Callum makes the cure.” He looked up from my face and stared into emptiness. He curled a finger on his chin. “Maybe the right thing to do would be for me to go and raze that place to the ground and for us to cure every halfsoul we can find.”

I smiled, sleepily. I liked the sound of that. I wanted that dark prison to simply cease to exist.

Kasten watched me for a moment longer. “I’ll carry you to bed.”

“No!” I sat up on his lap, trying to look more awake. “I have more things to tell you.”

I reported what Annabelle had told me, including her revelation that the king was behind the halfsouls and we suspected they had been once used to save Prince Stirling’s life. Kasten confirmed he had heard a faint drone on his detector from the prince.

I picked at a nail. “Annabelle doesn’t think we have very long.”

Kasten grimaced. “I know. I’m bringing in more troops from Kasomere, but I have to be subtle. Any more than ten a day will be noticed and questioned, and I don’t want us to get blamed for plotting treason before we actually manage to do anything. We’re already being watched carefully. The king and Lord Lyrason seem to be waiting for something before challenging me. They want the secret of the starstone. Can you imagine? Immortal men like them with that sort of power?” His expression turned dark.

I started to speak but ended up yawning instead. My jaw cracked loudly. Despite the importance of our conversation, it was hard to keep my eyes open. Kasten picked me up, and this time I didn’t resist. “Let’s go to bed now. We can talk together in the morning.” He sealed his words with the finality of a kiss to my forehead.

A panicked shout tore through the night, wrenching me from sleep. It seemed to be echoing all around me, and the air was suddenly cold on my skin.

I jolted upright, hardly daring to breathe. What was it? Halfsouls? Lord Lyrason’s guards? Assassins?

But everything in the room was silent and unmoving. Blinking in the half-light of early dawn, I realized Kasten sat hunched over beside me, his head in his hands as he slowly rocked back and forth, the muscles in his powerful arms stark with shadows. The sheets were tangled around his legs. Even in the poor light, his hair looked slick with sweat.

It took several heartbeats for my mind to clear enough to realize the shout had come from him.

Tentatively, I reached out my hand and touched his back. I had never seen him like this. “Kasten? Are you all right?”

He flinched, then raised his head, blinking rapidly as he took me in. His eyes were wide and wild. “Sophie,” he whispered ever so quietly, as if only just realizing I was there. “Sophie,” he repeated with more certainty, like a man in a desert convincing himself he’d found water and not just a mirage. He reached out and pulled me into him, squeezing me against his damp shirt. “Thank the kingdoms.” He fell back onto the bed, bringing me with him. His body sagged as if in relief and he held me so tightly, I didn’t dare move.

A soft knock sounded on the door. “Everything all right in there?”

Kasten cleared his throat. “Just the usual, Tara. No need for concern.” His voice sounded remarkably steady considering how his heart raced beneath my cheek. His breaths were deep and rapid as if part of him was still locked in a place of terror.

I tried to wiggle free of Kasten’s grasp so I could look at his expression, but his grip held me tight like iron. I relaxed against him instead and stroked where his shirt covered his ribs, hoping it would help him find calm. I whispered into the empty half-dark. “Was it a nightmare?”

My voice was so quiet, I thought for a moment he hadn’t heard. Then he started to stroke my hair in the same rhythm as my hand. “It was. You scared me today. Your visit to Lyrason’s house… I didn’t even know you were there until afterward.”

A sharp stab of guilt made me bite my lip, glad he couldn’t see my face. “I’m sorry, Kasten.” I had never wanted to make his life more difficult than it already was. Though it was hard to process that he could be scared of anything, I hated that I was the source of his fear.

How could I explain to him that today had made me feel strong and powerful and capable?

His hand kept stroking my hair, then lowered to my cheek, his thumb hooking under my chin. His calluses grazed my skin. My lips parted at the sensation.

“I feared that I’d lost you again,” he whispered, his voice rough and cracking at the edges. “I’m so glad you’re here, safe with me. That we have this moment. Why do we never have enough moments?” His voice was becoming ragged with frustration.

The fingers on my cheek kept stroking, distracting any thought of a reply. My face remained pressed against his chest, and through his shirt, his heartbeat wasn’t slowing.

He needed me here, pressed against him right now. It was strange to feel needed. I was so close to him, so wrapped up in him, that I didn’t want to move. This was where every part of me belonged, where every part of me felt safe. And all I wanted was to be closer until the only thing left in the world was him.

“Kasten, I’m sorry I scared you.” I honestly hadn’t meant to. “But taking that risk was worth it. We got what we needed.” I had proved I could even face the king; it made me feel like a whole other person.

Kasten took risks all the time, and now it was my turn to share in them. But I didn’t want to cause him such deep anxiety.

He didn’t reply. I still couldn’t see his expression. I could only hear his racing heart. I raised my hand across his body, feeling for his face. I reached the hard bow of his collarbone and then swept down into the tender dip of skin above it. My fingers vibrated over the pulse racing at his throat. I slowed as my fingers reached up to his chin, then stopped as the very edge of my fingertips grazed the swell of his lower lip. His head dipped, and warm lips brushed my fingers, making my stomach dip.

His free hand caught my wrist, and he kissed my hand again, his lips traveling down my fingers. My palm. My wrist. My forearm. He released his grip around my back as he rolled his large body onto its side, and at last, I could see his expression. It was no longer distressed, but something close to desperation was there in the shadows of his deep-set eyes.

His voice was a rough whisper. “Sophie, why did you go today? What made you go to Lord Lyrason’s house and take such a risk? What was the real reason behind it all?”

I frowned in confusion, struggling to know what he meant. My chest clenched. I opened my mouth but struggled to form words. My skin was still alive from his kisses and my mind addled. I forced a swallow, my mouth dry. “I’m sorry, Kasten.”

His knuckles grazed my cheek. “I’m not after an apology, Sophie. I’m not saying you did something wrong. I want to know what you were thinking. What drove you to do it?” His gaze bored into me as if he already knew and feared the answer—as if all my secrets and insecurities were written across my face.

I drew back slightly, scared about what he saw inside me. I looked up at the shadowed ceiling. I searched for the right words to describe emotions I didn’t fully understand myself. “We needed to find what is needed for the cure and find it fast, Kasten, before anyone else’s life was in danger. And I wanted to be helpful. I…wanted to be strong. I wanted to show that I could…that I could…” Belong at your side. The words sounded too foolish to speak out loud. As if I could ever contribute as much to this as him.

More than anything I didn’t want him to think of me as weak. And today, I hadn’t been. I had been brave and victorious. Why couldn’t he see that side?

Kasten pulled himself close to my ear. “You’ve got nothing to prove, Sophie. You’re already strong. You’re already useful. I’m so grateful you’re here with me.” His words were soothing, but there was an edge of pain to them I didn’t understand. “You don’t need to put yourself in danger for me to see how lucky I am to have you.”

I wet my lips, still refusing to look at his face. I wanted to believe his words. I so desperately wished the version of me he saw all the time was real. And today, it had been. But if I didn’t take risks, if I didn’t take the opportunities to prove to myself that I was strong, how was I to continue seeing myself like that? How could I grow? How could I be strong if there was no chance to be?

He rested a hand on my belly and stroked up and down ever so softly, distracting me from the negative thoughts. “Sophie, you are so beautiful. I will never get used to how beautiful you are. Or that you’re my wife.”

I turned to look at him, and my breaths felt like they contained no air. His acceptance of me was intoxicating. It was something I had longed for my entire life without realizing, and now it almost felt like too much.

I was completely frozen under the weight of that gaze as his face became more serious and earnest. He lifted my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist again. I swallowed as he lifted his head to mine. He kissed my mouth in a way I had never been kissed before, like I was the only thing real in the whole world. It left me disorientated.

He pulled back. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” I whispered, and I really didn’t. I tangled my hand back in his hair so I could kiss him again. I could feel the walls crumbling between us with every passionate touch. For now, I could pretend to always be enough.

The sunlight was bright when I woke up. I looked at the clock. It was past eight. Kasten was going to be late.

I rolled over to my husband. He was still asleep on his back, his forearm spread across his eyes, the other splayed haphazardly across his pillow. I hesitated, suddenly awkward, my arm already outstretched to wake him. A flush rushed to my face as I became aware of his physicality in a way I had been unaware of before.

He appeared peaceful, yet still radiated potential strength. When had his size stopped being intimidating and started to make me feel safe? His position highlighted the muscles of his arm and shoulder, the tendons casting sharp shadows in the dips and swells. His shirt was still discarded somewhere on the floor. Sometimes everything about him felt like too much for me to be able to process. He dominated every part of my life.

I swallowed and touched the bare skin of his arm, determined to act as if everything was normal. “Kasten? Kasten, wake up. We’ve overslept.”

He dragged his arm from over his eyes and wrapped it around my waist instead. “Sophie.” He uttered my name like a half-remembered prayer. He pulled me into his warmth, tucking me under the crook of his arm. My skin was sensitive and seemed to shiver at every place we touched. The position felt…different after last night, especially since he wasn’t wearing his shirt. The way he touched me was different. Everything suddenly carried more meaning.

I tried to pretend everything felt normal and pushed back half-heartedly in protest. “You’re going to be late, Kasten. It’s past eight o’clock. You’ll be late for the campaign meetings.”

He grunted with his eyes closed. “They were all so drunk yesterday. Nobody will be there before ten.” His grip tightened around my waist. “Let me have this moment with you.”

I didn’t protest again, but lay with my head on his arm, listening to him breathe. This was a very different Kasten than the one he’d been yesterday, rushing around and not daring to sleep. Maybe it was because I had scared him by putting myself in danger again, and he would now do anything to stay longer at my side.

I dwelt on our words from the night before and managed to place a finger on what had jarred in my mind. He’d said he thought I was strong and smart and capable. But if he truly believed that, then why was he so scared about me taking risks?

I sighed, shaking the uncomfortable thought from my mind. Maybe instead, his sudden desire to keep me close was because of what we had done last night. We had finally become husband and wife in every sense, and it had been like nothing I had ever experienced before.

My thoughts went back to the suddenness of it all, finally taking it in. I wanted to bask in it, to relive the pleasure of the moment. But instead, however much I wanted to enjoy this new feeling of closeness with Kasten, worry immediately invaded my mind. Once it was there, I couldn’t push it back.

What if I was pregnant? What if I wasn’t?

I guessed we were finally going to find out how much father’s tonics had damaged my womb. Part of me dreaded the answer. Acknowledging my infertility once and for all brought up a pain I wasn’t sure I was ready for yet. But as soon as the thought of holding my own child entered my mind, fear thick and smothering made it hard to breathe. Now that it was a possibility, the raw emotion hit me harder than it ever had before.

If I failed to be a good mother, I would never forgive myself, and my relationship with Kasten was the first positive deep relationship I’d had with anyone. What if there was something wrong with me which meant I couldn’t nurture my own children like I should? Considering my own childhood, maybe it was a good thing if I didn’t have children of my own.

But I wanted to be a mother. Did that make me horribly selfish? How could I desperately want a child, yet fear the possibility at the same time?

I rolled away from Kasten and drew my knees up under the covers at the sudden heavy thoughts, tears pressing behind my eyes, shocking in their suddenness. How was I meant to be a good wife to Kasten when Father had taken so much from me already, even when he was gone?

A messy jumble of emotions ensnared me, and I tried to untangle and calm them but failed. I’d felt so strong yesterday. Now, I couldn’t bring back the feeling. I felt inadequate in the ways that really mattered.

I closed my eyes and saw Father, his cane cradled in both hands. He sneered at me in disgust.

‘You have no idea what I’ve sacrificed for this family, the fate I saved you from.’

I tried to shake off the memory of him. I had prevailed against him. He was gone. Gone. I couldn’t let him make me feel small again. I had even walked through those halfsouls yesterday. I had outwitted Lyrason in front of the king himself and become friends with Princess Annabelle. I had been victorious in every battle.

I tried to picture my mother, but she was just a haze of warm, fluffy sensations that I was half-convinced I had imagined. Would my life have been different if she had survived? Would she have managed to protect me against Father? Against Miss Claris?

An old, familiar ache appeared in my chest, and I rallied against it. No. I was strong. I wasn’t worthless. I was in the place I was meant to be. I repeated the words over and over, knowing I would only truly believe them when I had proved it to myself countless times. But proving it to myself yesterday had terrified Kasten.

Why was this all such a mess? Why couldn’t I simply be happy like a normal person?

Things had been going so well. But…the need to do better still burned within me. It still wasn’t enough.

If I was to be a mother, I couldn’t afford to make a single mistake. I couldn’t do to my child what had been done to me. I wanted to know without a doubt that I could be the mother a child deserved.

That was if I could be a mother at all. The thought was like a kick to the stomach all over again.

The future suddenly stretched out long and cold in front of me. Every month hoping and fearing pregnancy with such equal intensity, only to come crashing back down to nothingness. Month after month after month.

I wasn’t sure I could do this.