Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

20. Kasten

KASTEN

I could lie like this forever, half asleep with my wife tucked under my arm, warm and safe. Kingdoms, I loved her. Having her close was something I would never, ever take for granted. My untouchable star, somehow curled tight at my side.

This was…peace. Contentment. Even as the world crashed and burned around us.

Remnants of my earlier nightmare flickered in the corners of my mind: Sophie lying broken on the floor, her silver hair turned red with blood, her eyes staring sightless, and her flesh torn apart by halfsouls. I had gone mad with grief, destroying Adenburg in my rage. I could still feel the rawness of the emotion, the horror and devastation. And the absolute lack of care I’d had for the thousands of lives I had obliterated with chaotic sweeps of the starstone’s power. Without her, every life had become meaningless.

It had all been too real.

I swallowed, frustrated at the dream returning and destroying my rare sense of peace. But it wasn’t real. I would not let that happen. I would keep her safe. It was only as I made that promise to myself over and over that the images subsided. I would not let her face Lord Lyrason without me again. I needed to prioritize her safety over everything.

I stroked Sophie’s shoulder, and her presence pushed the darkness away until I felt peace once more. I drifted back into a state of half sleep listening to the gentle ticking of the clock.

Despite my sleep-addled state, I noticed Sophie tense under my arm, and a moment later she pulled away so her back was flush against my side. I blinked, my senses becoming sharp. Something was wrong.

I rolled onto my side and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Are you all right, Sophie?”

What I could see of her expression was conflicted and concerned. At my words, she turned to face me, and that fake smile I hated so much covered her face like shutters closing across a window. I hadn’t seen her do that for months. “We should get up, Kasten.”

She slipped from my grasp to the edge of the bed where she paused for a few minutes of breathless silence before walking to the bathroom. Her arms were folded tight around her shift.

I sat up and stared at the closed door in shock. What was wrong? This wouldn’t be the first time I’d said or done something wrong and only realized it afterward.

It had to be about what had happened during the night. She had been fine before. Tired and shaken, but in good spirits. Not like this.

I sank back into the pillows, guilt rising in a smothering cloud. I’d been selfish, I could see that now. I’d been so eager for comfort, so overwhelmed by her presence and desperate to show her that she was worthy so she wouldn’t feel the need to take risks, that I hadn’t stopped to think of the impact of taking our relationship further.

She’d been Frederick’s wife before me, and he had been cruel to her. Not that she ever spoke about it. What if last night had brought back unpleasant memories? What if she felt used by me, just like he had used her? What if I’d hurt her or done something wrong? I was largely ignorant in this area.

She had consented and been a willing participant, returning my kisses and caressing my body until every part of me had been utterly focused on her. But what if it had been an act? What if she had only said yes to please me when she knew I was distressed? What if she had said yes to fulfill her wifely duty as she had likely done many times with Frederick?

Anger washed over me like a wave, and I clenched my fists. I wished, once again, that I had been the one to kill him.

I sat up once again, deliberately cooling my temper to ice and feeling sick. I had hurt her feelings, and I hated myself for it. Without her, I was lost.

I held my head in my hands and blew out a breath. I had promised myself I wouldn’t run away from her again, like I had at the start of the marriage. I had promised myself I would be there for her. I muttered under my breath, “Kasten, you’re being ridiculous. Stop over-thinking and apologize to her. Talk to her. Fix this.”

I waited for her, but my suppressed emotions merely roiled around under my skin, making it impossible to sit still. I sprang from the bed and busied myself getting dressed. The bathroom door stayed closed.

I knocked on the wood. “Sophie, are you all right in there?” The smell of orange oil and roses drifted through the cracks of the door in steamy waves.

A pause. “I’m sorry, I’m washing. You might need to use the other bathroom.”

I hesitated. “Do you want me to call your maids?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you.”

I went to the bathroom down the hall, my mind occupied with how I would apologize. When I returned, she was sitting on the side of the bed, brushing her long, silvery hair. For a split second I saw it as it had been in my dream: copper with blood. Then the memory vanished, and she was safe once again. She stared straight ahead, her face expressionless.

I sat down beside her, and she didn’t move to acknowledge me, or look at me as she spoke. “I hope your day at the palace goes well.”

I rested my hand on her knee. “What’s wrong, Sophie? Please tell me. Is it because I took things too far last night? Did I do something wrong? Or is it something else?”

She winced. “No, it’s not that. I meant it when I told you not to stop. I wanted to…” She broke off with a deep blush. “I’m fine, honestly. Please don’t worry.” She smiled a little more brightly as she turned to face me. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

I looked between her eyes, their blue reminding me of pure, clean water. After last night, it only brought into focus how desperately I needed her. I couldn’t lose her. I just couldn’t.

I lifted my hand to the smooth porcelain skin of her cheek. She seemed so fragile right now. I hated that I couldn't stay by her side. “Sophie, I can’t be with you when I’m in the the war council meetings.”

She nodded. “I know. I’ll miss you, but we’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.” She stood up, and I followed.

I hesitated and made my words as soft as possible.. “Just…please don’t do anything that puts you at risk again. I can’t take it, Sophie. You’re too precious. Work with Callum with your incredible mind and befriend Annabelle. That’s where your strengths lie. Be careful. Please. Stay away from Lord Lyrason, Mister Gregane and Duke James. Keep Meena with you at all times. Ideally, just stay at home or with Annabelle.”

She flinched ever so slightly, and I cursed internally, not sure which part of what I had said was wrong.

How could I show her that her strengths were different than what she thought she needed to do to prove she was strong?

She lifted herself on tiptoes and planted a small kiss on my cheeks. “Stay safe too, Kasten. I’ll be waiting for you.”