Stars May Fall (Stars May Burn #2)

37. Annabelle

ANNABELLE

T he chaos of the day only made the contrasting silence of the late evening feel more stark. Never before had I been in a room with Father, Mother, and Stirling when it had been quiet.

Father had always seemed so big, his presence the gravitational force in every room he entered. Everything and everyone had rotated around him for as long as I could remember. Now, he looked so small, it was hard to understand how he could be so easily reduced to nothing.

All three bodies had been washed and prepared before being laid in beds of flowers with sickly sweet scents. Clarence had visited briefly; a servant wheeled him around in a chair due to his weakness from his injury, but it had been too much for him. I lingered, my throat thick, knowing that I’d never get the chance to see them again. Once I left this room, all I’d have left would be memories.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say goodbye.

Pressure pounded in my forehead and behind my eyes, but I couldn’t cry. I was detached from my body, staring at lifeless faces that had once been so much more. How was I meant to rule when I wouldn’t have these people guiding me, shielding me, loving me? How was it possible for life to keep going when they weren’t in it?

Faced with death like this, it was too easy to think that I should have been in that room with Stirling and Mother. I should be dead too, stabbed in the back by guards I’d thought were loyal. None of them had a chance. And knowing that Father had made such bad decisions and done such bad things only made it worse. I felt like I needed permission to grieve him, that I shouldn’t miss him.

But although he may have permitted the awful experiments, he’d still been a loving father. I’d been far closer to him than to Mother. He had understood me on an instinctive level that I didn’t share with anyone else.

And Stirling…poor Stirling hadn’t deserved any of it. I waited for the tears to come, but still that pressure merely remained in my head like a wave building higher and higher but refusing to break.

I’d won the crown and defeated my enemies, but the victory was hollow. Why, oh why, had Father led our family down this path?

I stood, freezing time as long as I could to have this final moment with them. My eyes traced their waxy features over and over so I wouldn’t forget a single detail. When I left this room, I would have to be a different person. I would have to be queen. Right now, it was all too much.

The door opened and closed, but I didn’t turn, hoping to shut everything out for a few precious seconds longer.

Nobody spoke, but quiet footsteps stepped across the marble and stopped to one side. I caught the smell of smoke. “Annabelle, have you eaten or drunk anything?”

I turned, surprised to hear Venerick’s voice. Relief flooded through me when I saw him. He looked a mess; his face was smeared with mud and blood, a bandage around his temple. His jacket was ripped in numerous places and bloodstained. More bandages peeped through the holes. His hair, which bounced up rebelliously at the best of times, was now sticking up in an almost comical fashion, stiffened with blood and sweat. Yet his eyes were full of concern for me. He hadn’t even bothered to wash and change before finding me. He offered me a glass of water and a plate with a napkin over it. Underneath was a thick slice of bread with butter on top. “It’s very late, my dear. You should eat.”

I took the offering, realizing my headache could well be from dehydration. It felt good to not be alone. “Venerick, when did you get back? What happened to you?”

He half smiled and looked down as if what had happened to him was of no consequence. “I just arrived. I needed…some time to process the fighting. Then it took a while to make sure the rabble following Callum went home and didn’t turn to looting. I also needed to install some new commanders of the city guard, make sure James’s servants were safe, and then defend all of them against the sudden plague of halfsouls with Sir Luke and Sir Philip. I thought I was the best person to control the guard until you could elect somebody more suitable. They didn’t trust the men from Kasomere.” He grimaced. “I’m not sure I did the best job, but we’ve survived.”

My heart warmed at his humility. His sincere earnestness to do his best. I could see unspoken pain in the corners of his eyes that I wished to unpack, but I wasn’t sure that I had the right to do so. He was such a good man, and I’d made him do some hard things today. Awful things.

“Yes, we’ve survived,” I whispered back. It was something I needed to remember to be grateful for. I drank my water and ate the bread before placing the cup and plate down on a side table. Venerick remained silent, his eyes on the bodies as if he were paying his own respects. I noted one of his wounds was bleeding through its bandage, the bright scarlet slowly blooming out on his arm. He had to be exhausted and in pain. Yet he was still here, still looking out for my well-being.

I took the clean napkin and gestured to his wound. He let me tie it over the bandage with a wince so the extra pressure would stop the bleed. “You should see a healer, Venerick. Have you taken something for the pain?”

He rested his hand over the napkin-bandage. “I’ve already been seen briefly and have been given some analgesia, but they’re very busy and many need them more than me. I’ll go again tomorrow for stitches when the urgent cases have been dealt with.”

I stood by his side and breathed in his calmness. “Thank you for everything you did today, Venerick. I know James was your friend. It was a lot for me to ask you.”

His eyes shuttered as he turned and then looked at the body of my father. His voice became quiet. “I don’t regret today since I knew it needed to be done. But…” He seemed to run out of words. He shook himself. “I know you’ll do a brilliant job as queen, Annabelle. You’ll make this all worth it when Fenland becomes a country of true justice and fairness.”

His words held absolute conviction, making my throat thicken all over again. I focused on my trembling breaths. Now was not the moment I wanted to cry, despite the fact I’d been trying to for hours.

Venerick pulled out a small piece of folded paper. “One thing you’ll want to know before I write the full report. When we were sorting through Duke James's house, we found cells with unregistered prisoners.” He scratched his cheek and unfolded the paper, handing me a list of five names. “One of them said he was Regan Jones. He was terrified but alive. I’ve sent guards to return him home and confirm his identity. All of these prisoners were being held without documented reason or formal charge. They were completely off the record. It’s a clear sign of Duke James’s guilt and complicity with Lyrason. I thought you would want to know.”

I looked down at the name at the top of the list: Regan Jones was written in immaculate handwriting. A surge of relief caused my walls to crumple, and before I could stop them, tears flooded down my cheeks. I hadn’t gotten him killed after all.

“Oh, Annabelle.” Venerick’s hand wrapped around mine and squeezed it before he looked back at my father, giving me space to cry. His face was calm and contemplative. We stood in silence until my sobs came under control. I cleaned my face with my handkerchief, and, strangely, felt better.

Venerick didn’t look at me as he spoke. “You don’t have to marry me, you know. Your father picked me to be your husband, not to be the next king. I understand if you wish to choose somebody else. I will, of course, always be loyal to you and bear no ill feelings toward whomever you choose.” He winced. “Well, not visibly.”

Despite myself, I snorted a half-choked laugh.

Venerick’s expression remained serious, but he didn’t look at me, still staring at the dead body. “In many ways, we’re not the same, Annabelle. I’m not strong in the same ways you are strong. I admire your ability to do whatever needs to be done, crossbows and all. But today, I struck a guard from behind and then I killed Duke James…” A tremble ran up his arm as his gaze took on a haunted cast. “I don’t think I could ever do that again. I’m a man of books and peace and quiet. I work toward a world where violence is never the only answer.” Finally, he turned to me, and his eyes were glassy. “I care deeply what you think of me, Annabelle, and I wish I could present myself as the strong man I appeared to be after today. But I realized I would rather you see me as the man I am, even if he appears weaker. And if that means we can’t marry, at least you wouldn’t be disappointed later when you saw I can’t fulfill a role I am not meant to fill. I’ll never be the king your father was: an iron will, ruthless to his enemies, leading the war councils, and able to change all the opinions in the room.”

I held on tightly to Venerick’s hand so he couldn’t slip it from my grasp. I knew asking somebody to become king was no small request, but I didn’t want to lose him now, not when I was finally learning who he was: the absolute best of men.

“I don’t want you to be like my father, Venerick.” The confession was whispered but still carried through the bare room. “Nor do I want to be married to somebody who has become numb to war and violence.”

The words hung in the air, settling lightly on us as I clung to his hand. “Do you know why Father arranged our marriage? He never told me.”

Venerick was silent for a long moment. “I didn’t at the time. But now I wonder if it was because he could see that Lyrason was never going to be a good husband for you. You’re too curious, too passionate, too clear on right and wrong. Being married to Lyrason would have destroyed you, because you wouldn’t have let injustice stand. I can see that now. I suspect your father could too.”

I frowned, trying to understand his words, then smiled. “You mean you think he chose you because we both want to do the right thing. He wanted us to supersede him in our lives, even if he didn’t expect me to become queen.”

He half nodded. “It is well known that I am passionate about everything being done in exactly the right way, much to the frequent annoyance of my clerks. But the reason I went into the justice system was because I wanted to make this world a fairer place. In that sense, we’re the same.”

Could that be it? Could it be that Father regretted going down an immoral path and didn’t want me to follow in his footsteps? Therefore he had chosen somebody who was immutably good rather than the person who brought him power and security.

I smiled up at him. “See, Venerick, Father didn’t want you to be like him either. He wanted you to be strong in the ways you are already strong.”

He’d chosen Venerick because he cared about my happiness and my future. The thought brought tears to my eyes. I wiped them free, hoping they wouldn’t become a torrent again.

How had it taken me so long to see the same thing as my father had, that Venerick was a genuinely good person? We could have worked together from the start.

I reached out and took his other hand without reacting to the stickiness of blood and grime on his fingers. “I need you by my side, Venerick. Please. I can’t do this alone. Help me make this world that fairer place you dreamed of.”

He shook his head and looked down at me, his brown eyes soft. “I will always be at your side, Your Majesty. You don’t need to marry me to guarantee that.”

I licked my lips, the way he was looking at me was close to adoration and it unraveled the tightness in my chest. The kind intelligence in his eyes made the fear inside me melt away. I noted the fine laughter lines and the straightness of his nose. He was safety, security, and trust, things I’d been in search of for a very long time. I just hadn’t realized when I’d found them. I didn’t release his hands. “I don’t want to call off the wedding. That is, if you’re willing to be king and rule at my side. I’ll support your dreams, Venerick, as you have supported mine.”

He stared at me for a moment, then grinned with such relief and pleasure, I couldn’t help but smile too. “That is…good news.” He was so overcome, his eyes were moist, making my eyes water too.

I stepped back and we both stood side by side, not looking at each other, and I was sure he hadn’t stopped smiling. Suddenly, I didn’t want to stay in this room of death any longer. I was ready to leave the past behind and reenter a world beckoning me with glimpses of warmth and hope.

I rested my hand on his shoulder. “Thank you for the food. We should get you cleaned up. We don’t want any of those wounds getting infected before they can be stitched. There’s a lot of hard work to do, and I don’t want any excuses.”

He bowed, a new energy in his movements. “I wouldn’t dream of it. Organizing is my area of expertise. We shall have the chaos under control in no time.”

He placed his hand on my back and led me out of the room into the warmth of the palace. The smile didn’t leave his tired, bloodstained face.