Starstruck (Heartstrings Duet #1)

29. when I’m gone

[ 29 ]

WHEN I’M GONE

BAXTER

“LIGHT ON” BY DAVID COOK

T he dark night haunts me as I stare out the window of my tour bus, a pen in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. Colt sits across from me, strumming his guitar, while Levi is crashed in the back. It’s just after two in the morning, and we’ve been driving for about four hours, meaning we’re set to get to Foxborough around seven a.m.

I haven’t slept, and at this point I’m probably not going to. I never sleep well on the bus, so I’ll sleep at the hotel when we check in. Right now, I’m too busy running on pure adrenaline, knowing that tomorrow, I’ll be back on stage for the first time in nearly eight months.

This is the longest I’ve gone without performing in a stadium since my first big tour when I was twenty-two. It’s unusual for me—typically I try to do at least one show a month, because performing is the one thing that makes me feel safe.

The stage has always been my favourite place, and it’s been weird without it. Hearing the crowd scream my name, performing for people who love and appreciate music as much as I do—it’s always been a dream come true for me. After the accident, I was desperate to get back out as soon as possible, but then between working on my album and meeting Lennon, I stopped craving it as much.

Probably because I started craving her instead. I found myself tangled in bedsheets with the leggy brunette, and now instead feeling the urge to find a microphone, I feel the urge to drown myself in her.

I never thought saying goodbye to Lennon would be so difficult, but damn. It’s only been two months of our arrangement, and I’m fucking hooked. I can’t get her out of my head, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to go these next five weeks without seeing her.

Talking to her.

Fucking her.

Shit . I’ve never gone on tour and not found myself with a different woman on my dick each night, so that’s new for me, too. But I told Lennon I don’t share, and even if we are just friends with benefits, if she’s not hooking up with anyone else, then neither am I.

Besides, no one makes me feel the way she does. So even if I wanted to, I know it wouldn’t be the same as when I’m with her. And that’s half the enjoyment.

I turn back to the notebook in front of me, examining the page filled with Lennon’s words.

Before she left yesterday, we managed to get some more lyrics down. She gave me her ideas for how it should sound and told me the rest is up to me.

I’ve never felt the need to impress someone so much.

I scribble down some notes then pull a pack of Marlboro Blacks out of my pocket. I flick the top open and look across the table at Colt, holding them up.

He reaches out to grab one, and I hold the lighter to the end of his before doing the same with mine.

Inhaling deeply, I meet Colt’s sombre gaze. “What’s on your mind?” I ask, my brows furrowed.

He shrugs, a puff of smoke leaving his mouth. “Sadie, mostly.”

I nod in understanding. She’s set on leaving town after the benefit concert in August, and I know Colt’s beating himself up over it. All the guy wants is to protect her, and all she wants is to spread her wings and fly—hopefully without upsetting her brother, which is proving to be difficult.

It’s a lose-lose situation for both of them, though at least Sadie gets something good out of it.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Colt shakes his head, taking another hit from his cigarette. “I’m good, but thanks.”

I tilt my head in response before turning back to the window.

Colt and I have always had the kind of relationship where we can talk to each other about anything. He and I have way more in common than Levi does with either of us—he’s a breed of his own—and as a result, Colt’s opened up to me more, just like I have him. But unlike me, it takes a lot to get Colt to talk.

I have my demons, but Colt’s on a whole other level. He keeps to himself and never lets anyone see past the walls he’s built. His whole life is practically a secret—and we’ve learned the hard way that the harder you push him, the more he shuts down.

He’s shared a lot with Levi and me over the years, I think mostly because he’s come to trust us and has no one else to share his feelings with. But there’s still a lot we don’t know about Colt, and I’m not expecting that to change anytime soon.

I’ll be damned if he ever finds someone to open up to the way I’ve begun to do with Lennon.

As if he can read my mind, the next words from Colt’s mouth are, “How are things with Groupie?”

I put out my cigarette in the ashtray as a chuckle falls past my lips. The funniest part about that nickname is that Lennon is the furthest thing from a groupie anyone could be. In fact, if it were up to her, I think she’d rather never come to one of my shows. But as long as this is going on, I’ll make sure she does.

“Good. We’re good.”

He gives me a knowing look. “Mhm.”

I furrow my brows, a look of confusion passing over my face. “What?”

He shakes his head, shrugging. “Oh, nothing. Just never seen you like this over a woman before.”

“Like what?”

He quirks a brow. “You know. Friends with benefits. Actually letting her in…” He pauses, and when I don’t say anything, his shoulders drop. “Like you’re falling in love.”

My eyes widen.

As fucking if. Just because Lennon and I have an indescribable connection and I feel more like myself around her than I ever have around anyone doesn’t mean I’m falling in love with her.

Love is not a word in my vocabulary, unless it’s being used in a song.

I don’t do love.

Right?

“No way,” I scoff. “Just because we have good sex doesn’t mean I’m in love with her.”

A husky laugh falls from the back of the bus as Levi exits the bunk room. “Yeah fucking right,” he says over a yawn. “Next time I have sex so good it makes me lose interest in fucking or even talking to anyone else, hit me over the head with a brick or something. Dude, you’ve been obsessed since you met her.”

I roll my eyes. “Eavesdropping? Really, Tanner?”

He shrugs, falling onto the bench next to Colt and putting a cigarette to his lips.

Colt huffs a laugh, pulling my attention back to him. “Half your goddamn album is about her, and we wrote that back in February. If it wasn’t obvious then, it sure as hell is now. You’re teaching her how to play guitar. You can’t go a day without talking to her. Your eyes light up like a puppy when you see her. You smile more. Your songs are better. You’re less of a douche. You didn’t even want to go on this tour because of her, for fuck’s sake, even though performing is your favourite thing on the planet.”

I groan, letting his words sink in.

It’s not that I’m against falling in love, per se. Because if I were to fall for anyone, it would be Lennon.

The truth is I don’t really know what love looks like. I had a horrible example of it growing up, with parents who fought all the time. Based on what’s displayed in the media, I know my parents didn’t write the rulebook for what people look like when they’re in love, but I also don’t know who did. I’ve never truly seen a healthy example of love with my own two eyes, aside from what was displayed of Brennan and Audrey’s relationship over the years, and even their family had demons, as I’ve come to learn.

So it’s hard for me to believe that’s what this is. Because if love is anything like my parents’ version, I want no part of it. And even if it’s not, I still don’t want any part of it, because even those in happy relationships have lives full of pain.

I don’t need any more pain, and I know Lennon doesn’t either. But that’s exactly what she’d get with me, considering she still has no idea how—or even that—I know the man who killed her parents.

“I still haven’t told her about Logan,” I say finally, reminding them of how messy this situation could get if she finds out about my connection to him.

Colt lets out a low whistle as Levi’s eyes widen.

“Well, you’re going to have to come clean with her,” Colt grumbles. “And I’d do it sooner rather than later, because as much as you’d be content to just ignore your feelings, you’re falling in love with her, man. If you haven’t already.” He shoots a look my way. “And I’d be willing to bet that she’s falling, too.”

Levi chuckles over the smoke in his mouth. “I’ll take that bet. Lemon’s in deep.”

I grit my teeth, not acknowledging the stupid nickname Levi has for her, and sink back in my seat, letting their words settle around me.

As if this whole thing wasn’t already messy with me knowing what I do, if I am in love with Lennon, then this arrangement just got a lot more fucking complicated.