The Bluestocking’s Absolutely Brilliant Betrothal (The Notorious Briarwoods #6)

Chapter 16

“I s that you, my pet?”

Her father’s voice slipped through the hall like a silvery whisper, and Aurelia tensed. She felt like the most nefarious criminal being caught stealing the silver candlesticks when all she had done was do what one does with one’s future husband. She had been hoping to make it back to her room completely unnoticed and have a little bit of time to herself, but it seemed she would not.

It was late, and the night at the theater had gone on for some time, and she had not seen her father since before this afternoon’s amorous encounter. She wasn’t sure she was prepared to face him now that she was no innocent maid.

But she would have to. And he didn’t have to know.

She turned to the sound of that voice and cringed. “Yes, Papa. It is me.”

“Come in, my pet. Come in,” he called.

She drew herself up, fortifying her nerves. What else could she do? Tell her father, who was unwell, that she needed a few moments to compose herself?

Of course not. And so she tugged on her long white evening gloves and headed towards his chamber. She slipped quietly into the room, spotting him on his bed, and crossed to him. She quickly sat on the side of the massive mattress, and the sheets crinkled under her legs when she climbed up to sit beside him.

“Papa,” she said and took his gnarled hand in hers.

He looked as if he was ready to go to sleep under the soft candlelight dancing from the single stick on his bedside table. Perhaps he was.

“The night feels rather good, doesn’t it?” he said softly. “It’s so still and quiet.”

“It has been a very beautiful day, but very long, and I had a wonderful time at Heron House and then at the theater.”

“I’m glad to hear it, my dear. I’m glad to hear it.” He lifted one of his shaking hands and patted hers.

She tried not to stare too long at that shaking hand. After all, what could one do? Nothing. He placed it over her hand and squeezed.

“You look perplexed and yet happy at the same time,” he said.

She winced. What was she to say? “Well, if I must tell you the truth, I think that I should like to marry right away.”

“Right away, my dear?” Her father’s brows lifted. “I see. You like the gentleman a great deal.”

“I do like Lord Achilles,” she ventured, feeling as if she was now trapped in a sea of half-truths. “I can’t help myself. He’s annoyingly appealing.”

“He is that.” Her father smiled softly. “I’m glad. You see, I think he’s quite marvelous myself, and I think he’s a perfect match for you.”

“I’m glad you agree, Papa.” Her heart twisted. She knew her father longed for her to have a love match.

“It will do me good to see you settled.”

Tears pricked her eyes. “Papa, please don’t talk like you’re…”

“What?” he said.

“Dying.”

His eyes flared. “I’m not dying. Don’t be absurd, my dear.”

“What?” she gasped, turning towards him.

“Is that what you think?” he queried, his creased face softening.

She dared to nod her head.

He let out a long-suffering sigh. “I’m sure many people think that I’m about to shuffle off this mortal coil, but no. I swear to God it is not the case. I am merely tired, and something has gotten ahold of me, but I’m not going to die. I’m going to be here for as… Well,” he corrected, “of course I’m going to die. We all die eventually, but I’m going to hold on for as bloody well long as I can.”

She laughed at that as tears stung her eyes. “I’m glad to hear it, Papa. For a moment there, I thought you were getting ready to go through death’s doorway at any moment.”

He grinned. “Never. I have too much to do. I’m sorry you thought so. You’ve been so worried about death since you were small. I should have known you’d fear that was what was happening. Forgive me?”

She stared into his eyes, searching for the truth. And she saw it there. “Forgive you? I am so happy.”

He pulled her against his thin chest then, holding her as he had when she was small. “It’s simply that my body is a bit of a failure, my pet. That makes things rather difficult, but my mind is sharp as ever. I simply need to adjust. Likely, the doctors tell me, I shall have to use a chair, and if I would just admit to having to use a chair, I would have a great deal more energy.”

She blinked and gazed up at him. “Indeed, Papa, is that what’s amiss? The fact that you refuse to admit that you need help?”

“Probably,” he groaned. “Look, I’ve been independent all my life and not had to rely on others, and I’m simply going to have to start if I wish to live my life. I can’t spend my entire life in this bed. The doctors don’t think I’m dying. I might not live as long as I’d like,” he said softly, “but I have many years left. That’s what the doctors say. They had hoped that Bath and a rest cure might help with some of the symptoms, but they said I’m simply going to have to live with them for some time.”

“I see,” she said softly. “That’s very good news. I thought…”

He held her tight. “You thought I had some sort of cancer.”

“Yes,” she said softly.

“I blame myself. I should have shared more, but since I didn’t know what it was, I thought I should wait to tell you.”

She licked her lips, still not quite able to let go of the fear. “But you said the doctors don’t know what it is.”

“They don’t, but they don’t think it’s fatal. So that’s good enough for me. Isn’t it good enough for you?”

She let out a shaky laugh. “I suppose it is.” Then she lifted her hand and wiped her tears away.

“Good,” he said. “Now you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to.”

“What?” she gasped.

“I’m no fool, pet,” her father said, his voice low and full of a tired sort of wisdom. “You don’t want to get married. You never have.”

She groaned. “Papa, can I not lie to you at all?”

“No, my dear. No, you can’t.” He laughed softly. “You were never very good at it, you know. You get this look upon your face, and when you told me about him, well, I knew that you were telling me a lie. I can tell that you like him a great deal, but you don’t actually want to marry him, do you?”

“I did lie to you then. But I do want to marry him,” she returned. “Now.”

“What?” he said. “All right, say that again so I can study you.”

She let out another laugh. “Papa, I do want to marry Achilles Briarwood.”

“Why?” he asked carefully.

She squeezed his hand and then began her list. “Because he will be a great partner in this existence. Because I will be able to do the work I want to do and without having to worry about the many rules of society. Yes, I think he’s an excellent choice. He will let me be exactly who I am. That’s what he said.”

Her father smiled then, his gaze alight with joy. “So, you are marrying him of your own free will, is it?”

She nodded.

“I see. And he is in love with you?”

“He is not,” she stated, frowning. “Don’t be absurd. We barely know each other.”

“I didn’t mean to be absurd,” he said. Then her father nodded and said with pleasure, “If that’s what you think, if he would be a good arrangement for you, that’s what most ton marriages are based upon, so I agree. Marry him as soon as you please. Your mother will be thrilled.”

She let out another laugh and wiped more tears away. Only they were tears of happiness that she could give her father this gift. “Do you think there are enough flowers in all of England for when I tell her to go ahead with the wedding date?”

Her father smiled again, a papery smile. It was the happiest she had seen him in a long time, and suddenly her own heart swelled.

Why had she ever thought that she was going to try to escape marriage to Achilles? It had been her plan, of course, to figure out how to fob him off. To make the engagement go as long as possible and then not have to go through with it.

It had barely been a few weeks, but now she thought it best to marry him right away.

How silly her own commitment to herself to remain unmarried and break the engagement with him had been.

For, if she married him, she could protect herself. If she married him, she could grow distant from him. It sounded mad, but she was sure she could do it. She could pull it off. She could make a perfect ton marriage. After all, that’s how most ton marriages were.

Couples barely saw each other. They did not even sleep together. And when they did, it was for the perfunctory making of children.

Suddenly, her blood went cold. Did he not care about having children? He had not said, and now she felt rather sick. Could she do that to him?

He would be such a wonderful father.

She did not know if she could face having children. She did not know if she could…

When her mother had taken to her bed in grief, when she’d been left all alone to watch her mother suffer and retreat, some part of her had sworn that she would never do that. That she would not have children. That she would not risk the yawning cavern of being hurt and hurting others.

Suddenly, she stood, feeling the need to be bold.

“What is it?” her father asked.

“Nothing. It’s just that I realized something.”

“What is it, my dear?”

Her mouth dried. “I don’t know if I can marry him after all.”

“What?” he said softly, all his joy dissipating.

That look terrified her, and she lifted her hands and said in rush, “Never mind, Papa. Of course I can marry him. Of course. I just need to speak to him about something.”

“Good girl,” he said with a breath of relief. “Achilles Briarwood is a very reasonable fellow. I’m certain the two of you will sort it out, and I cannot wait to have grandchildren. It’ll make me very happy.”

It was as if her own fears had suddenly slipped into the room and slapped her.

Now, she did not know what to do, and so she smiled tightly and did not say anything to her father. How could she not have thought of this? How could she not have allowed that to come into the conversation when she talked with Achilles today, and when she had made love to him?

He’d been careful, of course. He’d promised her he had, but now she suddenly realized that if she married him, he would likely expect her to bear his children.

She’d never even asked. And she realized then what an utter fool she was. She’d thought she wasn’t silly. She’d thought she wasn’t foolish. She was both.

And with that, she slipped out into the hall and knew she had a great deal to answer for. She was going to hurt Achilles because she had to.

She swallowed.

She didn’t want to admit it, but it hit her suddenly like a terrible, terrible blow. She was going to do the very thing that she had promised she wouldn’t do. She was going to hurt herself, but surely a little hurt now would pay off in the long run and protect her and everyone else from a great deal of hurt in the future.

For she could never forget. And as if the past wished to claim her, she could still see herself standing in the dark, in the doorway, looking at her little sister’s body nestled under a sheet… And her mother, wailing, lost to the world.

Lost to Aurelia.

Lost to herself.