The Bluestocking’s Absolutely Brilliant Betrothal (The Notorious Briarwoods #6)

Chapter 17

A chilles had woken that morning with a strange sense of dread.

The unpleasant sensation weighing his limbs and spirit was not at all what he expected to feel. Yesterday had gone extremely well.

They had laughed, sorted out difficulties, and come to an understanding.

She had agreed to marry him.

The theater had been marvelous. It had been a bit of a wild moment there when he’d had that conversation with his family. He and Aurelia had returned to the box. They had watched A Midsummer Night’s Dream . There had been much applause, chatter, and goodwill.

The play had been a tremendous success. The audience had adored it, as had Aurelia. And she had seemed to enjoy being at the center of the Briarwoods.

She had beamed at him.

And there had been that delicious exchange between them in the shadows of the theater hall.

Yes, everything had gone just as it should. So, why had he awoken this morning feeling as if the world was ablaze? Well, of course the world was ablaze. There was no denying that. He felt as if he was standing on a platform that kept getting shaken, which was quite odd for a Briarwood. Usually their feet were solidly on the ground and could withstand any sort of disturbance.

Despite the odd feelings rumbling through him in waves, he took his customary cold bath and then shaved and dressed.

Trying to convince himself that his thoughts were simply trying to drag his newfound relief and happiness from him, he went down to breakfast, hoping that a cup of coffee, perfectly toasted toast, and Cook’s beautifully cooked rashers would see him right.

He strode into the empty breakfast room.

Still standing and feeling quite full of unhelpful sensations, he stood by the silver pot and poured himself a cup of the black liquid into a beautiful, pale porcelain cup lined with gold.

Once that was accomplished, he sat in his usual high, delicately carved chair, stared out the tall windows, and tried to marvel at the deer that were crossing across his viewpoint.

Deer often crossed the green in the early hours. He’d always loved that. But today it did not lift his spirits.

He scowled.

This was the sort of morning that should have made him feel completely grateful to be alive. He should have been reveling in the fact that he had woken up at all. It was a miracle that so many did. His mother had taught all of them this from quite a young age. Some people did not wake up, and so those that did got to experience the joy of opening their eyes, looking at their ceiling, and experiencing another day.

His mother was always clear that being alive should be celebrated. Every morning.

He tried to savor his coffee, but he couldn’t quite manage it. The dark cloud he’d woken up under seemed to have traveled with him down from his chamber to the breakfast table. What the blazes was this about?

Much to his surprise, he heard footsteps thudding down the hall. Was he about to be joined by one of his siblings? He wasn’t certain he was in the mood. But no.

The butler appeared in the doorway announcing Achilles’ fiancée. He turned ever so slightly in his chair to take her in, and the dread and the doom increased.

“Good morning, Aurelia,” he called as the butler all but shooed her in.

“Have a seat,” he urged.

“I think I’d prefer to stand,” she said.

His hand tightened on his own cup. “I promise you our coffee and tea are most excellent. All of the food laid out is a marvel. Cook is very good.”

“I don’t feel like eating,” she rushed. “My stomach is in knots.”

“Why?” he asked, placing his own coffee down and forcing himself to draw in slow breaths.

Usually he adored the dark beverage, but right now the bitter notes only made his own stomach twist, and he did not need to add to the acridness there.

His beautiful Aurelia looked as if she had not slept, and her hair tumbled about her face. She had clearly not let her lady’s maid do it this morning. She had come quickly. He realized it was extremely early for a social call, even for one’s fiancée. It was not yet eight o’clock in the morning. He was an early riser compared to many rakes and bachelors.

Her cheeks were pale. The color he usually loved in them was gone and her eyes? They shone, but not with excitement. Her slender, gloved hands were twisting before her, playing with the ribbons of her cloak that dangled down to her waist.

“What is it?” he asked, alarmed and feeling as if the room was beginning to spin.

She licked her lips. “I’ve made a mistake.”

“We all make mistakes, Aurelia,” he ventured softly.

“No.” She shook her head. “This is much more than just a simple mistake. This is truly one that I regret.”

“I see,” he said, placing his hand down upon the pale linen tablecloth. “You have clearly come to tell me what that mistake is.”

She cleared her throat and folded her hands before her. “I told you yesterday that I would marry you because you said you would take me as I am, but we were not clear about a few things.”

His muscles tensed and his heart, his dratted heart, began to pound rapidly. And not out of excitement or desire. No, this was quite different.

“Please be clear,” he said, his voice low.

And he felt as if his entire body was readying for some brutal blow as if she was about to land a killing stroke. But he would not allow it to happen. He would not allow her to destroy the potential of their happiness because Jean-Luc had been right about one thing. Achilles had been certain that she was the one, and he couldn’t be wrong about this.

Surely his instinct had been correct.

“What I told you yesterday about my mother and about my little sister?” she said, though her voice began to shake ever so slightly.

“Yes,” he said softly.

She lifted her chin and dared to say, “I don’t know if I can have children, if I can ever face it. That’s what I was trying to tell you.”

“I understood,” he said gently, even as his mouth dried.

“Did you?” she demanded with surprising force. “Do you understand that means you will never be a father?”

He slid his hand off the table and slowly stood. “That is generally what that means, isn’t it? If one’s wife doesn’t want to have children. Or love.”

“I can’t do that to you, Achilles,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Are you doing it to me or am I choosing it?” he countered, feeling as if his whole future was beginning to slip through his fingers.

She shook her head again, her golden hair dancing over her shoulders. “I’ve seen the sort of man you are. You secretly want a family, don’t you? Look at how much you love your family.”

Tears filled her eyes then, but she dashed them away as if she was dashing any sort of gentleness or ease away from herself too. She was making herself strong.

“Yes,” he admitted. “I won’t lie to you, Aurelia. I do want a family. I do want children.”

She sucked in a breath. “There then. Let us make this easy on each other. I know you said you would take me as I am, and it is a tremendously romantic thing to say, but you will resent me in a few years. You shall not wish to be with me. It will be terrible. I can’t do that to you, Achilles, and I… I release you.”

The words hung in the air between them, cold and brutal like a blade.

“You release me,” he gritted.

“Yes. I release you from this engagement,” she affirmed even as she looked as if she was losing her dearest friend. “One that never should have taken place.”

He stared at her, not knowing what the hell to do or say. “Perhaps you’re correct. Perhaps my mother never should have meddled. She’s very good at it usually, but even she said this might have been a…”

“Mistake?” she finished for him, her voice a rough whisper as the last of the color disappeared from her cheeks. As if she had been hoping that he might make some strong argument.

But he did not want to convince her anymore. If she could not see how much he loved her, how much he wanted to be with her, well, he didn’t want to beg. He was done trying to prove to her that they belonged together.

“I’m very sorry,” he said at last.

“Why? It is I—”

“No.” He took a step towards her. “I’m very sorry that what happened to you as a child has done this. I’m very sorry that it scarred you so thoroughly that it cannot be escaped. I don’t blame you, Aurelia. What happens to people? It shapes them and oftentimes people can never change. I’m not even sure you want to,” he said softly. “And that’s all right. It was my mistake to think that you might change. Not yours.”

Tears filled her eyes, and her face crumpled. “Achilles, it is so terrible.”

“Why?” he said. “I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me?” she demanded. “How so?”

“For telling the truth,” he growled softly, even as he felt as if his heart was burning. Not with desire. But with pain. Excruciating, searing pain. “It was no easy thing to show up here this morning, tell me the truth, and break it off. Especially when it will disappoint your family so much. My family too, actually.”

He was sincere. There was no mockery to his words, and he hoped she knew that. It had taken bravery to do this when the stakes were so high. It couldn’t have been easy.

She flinched, drawing herself up. “Surely, they shall not be—”

“Oh, they most certainly will be. They like you. Very much,” he said. “I will let them know. You don’t need to wait to assist. I won’t force you to marry me,” he said softly.

“You would never have to force anyone to marry you, Achilles.”

“I don’t know,” he said softly. “It certainly seems like it. It certainly seems as if you are running from me as hard and as fast as you possibly can, and that you are throwing away…” He sucked in a breath. He would not say things he couldn’t take back. “I hope you find what you’re looking for, Aurelia. Dear God, I hope it. I hope that you can heal from the fear that claimed you when you were small and that you realize you don’t have to be alone. You are choosing to be alone. You are choosing to abandon everyone as you were abandoned.”

Her mouth dropped open, but she said nothing. She did not argue or try to protest.

Which, in some ways, only made it worse. She had no wish to fight for him. For them. She never truly wanted him at all.

But he wasn’t going to hide. He never would. He wanted her to understand how he truly felt. How he’d felt almost from the moment he’d seen her on the day they’d met and she’d sought his mother’s help.

“I love you,” he said simply. “I love you with all my heart, and I think I always will.”

He said nothing else. There was no point. Instead, without thinking, he crossed to the door, but then he paused and looked down at her.

Seeing her pale face, her determination, he could not stop himself. He took her in his arms and kissed her softly. He kissed her with all his soul, as if he could memorize her. Memorize every bit of this because he would never have it again. And it was the hardest thing he’d ever done to admit the truth. To see things how they really were and not be deluded by a silly old story that his family always told. Even Jean-Luc had fallen for it. Even if she was the one, it didn’t matter.

He wasn’t the one… For her.

Achilles slipped out into the hall, his heart broken. Leaving her alone, just as she wished to be.