The Christmas Cookie Crush (Arcadian Falls Christmas #4)

Chapter 33

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Austin

I stumble back to my car in the dark, my jaw clenching rhythmically in an attempt to hold back the emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

I don’t?—

I can’t?—

What just happened? How did everything go so wrong?

I know we hadn’t hashed things out. We hadn’t talked about future plans except in the most generic sense. I guess, to be more precise, I talked about future plans more specifically, while her talk of the future was more uncertain.

I guess I took that as a sign. If she wasn’t tied to a specific plan or future, then maybe she could make plans that aligned with mine. Of course, I didn’t expect anything that concrete now . But I thought we could at least continue seeing each other while she’s in school, give the relationship a chance to develop, and then consider making plans for after she graduates. What’s so wrong with that?

There are no answers, though. None that make sense, anyway. The only real answer seems to be that I was more into our relationship than Nora was. Maybe she never really got over the way I treated her when we were kids. Maybe Dylan got into her head more than she let on. Or maybe she felt like she was betraying him somehow by being with me.

Or maybe she just doesn’t like you as much as you like her. Definitely not enough to even consider the possibility of coming back home—a thing she admitted was an option anyway—to be with you.

That’s the truth of it. And it stings. It burns. It fills my throat and sits on my chest like an elephant.

And there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

I’ve already burned out all my grand gestures just trying to get her to give me the time of day. What else is there to do?

Nothing.

Not. A. Thing.

My grandparents give me surprised looks when I burst through the front door, pausing whatever they’re watching, Grampy reaching for his walker.

“No,” I say, waving him off. “Don’t bother. I’m fine.” I practically swallow the last word, though. Which doesn’t matter because I’m obviously lying, but I just as obviously want to be left alone, and my grandparents are kind enough to respect my wishes. They watch in stunned silence as I lurch through the living room and down the hall to my room where I drop my things and flop onto my bed fully dressed.

At last, safe, I let out the tears that have been building up.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s better to end it now than drag it out longer. If I’m already this attached, how much more heartbreaking would it be to find out she won’t come back to Arcadian Falls for me in a few months?

It’s much harder to keep up the pretense of Christmas cheer the next day. The day that was supposed to be the best. Long and tiring, sure. But the last hurdle before I get to spend as much time as I want with Nora.

Except now that’s not happening.

I do my best to put on a smile and say, “Merry Christmas,” to everyone, but I feel it falling flat. There’s not much else I can do, though. A few people ask about my plans for the holiday, and I just tell them I’ll be spending it with my grandparents.

I dunno. Since I have a week off, part of me’s thinking about taking a couple days and going home to see my parents. They decided not to come here, not wanting to burden Grampy and Nana with catering to them when Grampy needs to focus on healing properly. It’d be good to get away. It’ll be easier to avoid Nora if I’m not here. Especially since the other main option is to be a hermit and never leave the house.

It depends on how much help Grampy and Nana need, though. I’m here to help them, after all. Not fall in love or run away when the girl I want to be with doesn’t want to be with me.

I do my best not to look for her at ChristmasFest, but it’s almost a habit at this point to crane my neck and try to see back to the North Pole to catch a glimpse of her. I catch myself doing it several times and always stop and pull back, refocusing on the people in front of me.

Unfortunately, Christmas Eve isn’t as busy for me as it appears to be for others. The customers I get are people just here getting a cookie or a pastry to sustain them through the last mad rush of shopping. A lot of booths have big discounts today since it’s the last day for ChristmasFest, and whatever doesn’t sell has to be packed up and taken home. So even beyond the people who waited until the last second to pick up gifts, there are the deal hunters out in force, trying to find something cool for less than normal.

I can’t blame them. If I weren’t tied to Give and Cake and if I were still going to see Nora tomorrow, I’d make a circuit and see if I could find something small and fun for her. I know I’d said the room last night was my Christmas gift to her, but since she got me an actual present, part of me wishes I could reciprocate.

I’d looked at the hat this morning when I was getting ready. I wanted to wear it but couldn’t bring myself to put it on. It’s too soon. Maybe in a month or two I’ll be able to wear it without wanting to cry, but today? I can’t.