The Christmas Cookie Crush (Arcadian Falls Christmas #4)

Chapter 34

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Nora

I get through Christmas Eve on autopilot, and when the day finally ends, I don’t feel any of the usual swirl of emotions. The end of ChristmasFest is typically bittersweet. The end of long days and cajoling smiles out of crying children is always a relief. But I enjoy working ChristmasFest. It’s fun watching the kids interact with Santa and capturing those sweet moments for families. Most of them are fun to work with. Sure, some are flustered or frustrated, but when you’re dressed as an elf, being silly with their little ones, and offering free candy canes, tempers are more easily soothed.

Yeah, there are always people who are jerks. But they’re definitely not the norm. At least not for me.

But this time, after taking the last set of photos and waving goodbye to the family, I’m fairly numb as I go through the standard routine of putting away the camera equipment for the last time this year.

Mom approaches, rubbing my back when I straighten from the camera case. “How are you, sweetheart?”

I give her my forced smile but lean into the hug she offers. A few stragglers are still making their way out of the space, but since we’re closed, I feel more okay about letting my guard down. I already let Madison go while I finished with the last family, so it’s just me, Mom, and Dad at the North Pole.

“I’ll be okay,” I reassure her. I hadn’t planned to announce the end of my relationship with Austin, but when Dylan made some snotty remark when I got home this morning, it came out.

And it came out loud. “He left last night. I spent the night alone. Are you happy?” I’d shouted at him.

He stared at me like I’d grown a second head, and I’d spun around, grabbed my things, and drove myself here, not waiting for Mom and Dad like normal. I just needed to get away from Dylan. I didn’t need to hear his smug reminders that I’m bad at relationships, that it’s no surprise this ended, that just yesterday I’d told him I was different, yet here I was proving him right.

Because that’s what happened, isn’t it?

I really am just the fuck up everyone sees me as.

I have no plans, no future, and no luck with men. At all.

I’m just the flighty, silly ditz I’ve been my whole life, good grades notwithstanding. My brief tenure as a responsible manager is just a blip, after all. Not the standard routine.

“I’m proud of you,” Mom says, still rubbing my back. “You did a fantastic job as Lead Elf this year. I’m only sorry I couldn’t give you that job earlier. And next year, you’ll probably follow your siblings’ footsteps and only come back for a visit since you’ll be done with school and living on your own.”

At her words, I can’t hold back the tears I’ve been holding back all day. I cling to her, sobbing into the velvet of her Mrs. Claus dress while she makes shocked noises at my outburst that quickly turn into soothing nonsense as she holds me and lets me get it out, removing my hat so she can caress my hair like she always did when I was little.

When I regain some control of myself, sniffing and wiping my eyes, she leads me to the bench and has me sit down. “Oh, Nora. I know things feel terrible right now. But you’ll get through it, I promise.”

Shaking my head, I swipe under my eyes again, gratefully accepting the tissue box she snags from the computer counter. “It’s not that. Well, it is that. It’s just”—I throw my hands in the air, a tissue still clutched in one hand—“everything. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t have any plans for after graduation.”

Mom reaches up and caresses my hair again. “Oh, honey. You’re so young. You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You’re smart and capable. You’ll find your way.”

I snort. “You’re the only one who thinks so.”

She gives me a patented Mom look. “That is categorically untrue.”

“Please, Mom,” I protest. “Be honest. We both know—we all know—that I’m not known for my persistence or reliability.”

She makes a derisive sound and waves away that observation. “Please. Because you made your siblings cover some shifts when you were a teenager? As though they didn’t regularly pull the same kinds of things?”

“Dylan didn’t,” I point out. “And Sarah didn’t.”

Pulling another doubtful face, Mom folds her hands in her lap and leans back. “You’re just too young to remember. Sarah made Ty cover for her on more than one occasion. And he did the same thing back. And Sarah covered for both of you more times than I can count. You’re just the most recent one because you’re the youngest.” She reaches out and rubs my back again. “And part of it could be my fault. I didn’t expect as much of you as I did your older siblings.” She holds up her hands, palms out. “Not because I didn’t think you could handle it. It’s because you’re my baby. You always seemed younger to me, even at the same age, and sometimes I forgot that you could handle more responsibility because there wasn’t a younger one who couldn’t.” She leans into me and nudges me with her shoulder. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you were less capable or less trustworthy than your siblings. You’re every bit as capable as they are. You’re smart, and you’re beautiful, and you’re fun to be with. You handled the schedule beautifully. You smoothed interpersonal conflicts between your coworkers, making sure not to schedule certain personalities together if you could help it. You worked your ass off.”

I giggle at Mom’s use of mild profanity. She doesn’t curse often. And usually it only happens when she’s spitting mad, so the casual use of ass in this context is funny.

She smiles. “You’re set to graduate a year early, and you’ll be magna cum laude . I’m so proud of you, sweetie. And your dad is too.” She bumps me with her shoulder again. “I’m going to miss getting to work with my kids here.” Inhaling deeply, she looks around ChristmasFest. “It’s going to be strange being here without you. For the entire run of ChristmasFest, I’ve had my kids with me.” She refocuses on me. “And now? You’re all grown up.” Tears fill her eyes. “How am I going to do this without my very own elves?”

“Oh, Mom.” I wrap my arms around her, and she laughs, though I can hear the tears in her voice. “You still have Sarah.”

“Not the same,” she says, her voice hoarse as she wraps her arms around me and pats my back again. “It’s not the same, and we all know it. She hasn’t been an elf in years, and she’s too busy with the store to even fill in occasionally.”

“True. But what about Sophie? I know she’s too young now, but in a few more years …”

Mom nods, considering that. “True. But that’s still a few years without any of my family in the elf crew. I’m allowed to be sad.”

“Yeah.” The word scrapes over my vocal cords. “Yeah, you are.”

“And you’re allowed to be sad, too,” she whispers. “Just know that it’ll pass.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I love you,” she says, patting me once more before releasing me.

“I love you, too.”

I feel a little better after talking to my mom, even if Dylan still thinks I’m some kind of stupid airhead. But I think he’s an arrogant asshole, so I guess we’re even.

My parents don’t think I’m an idiot. They’re confident I’ll figure out what to do with myself. And knowing that puts their questions in a new light. They’re not asking to try to trip me up or catch me out. They just … want to know. They want to hear my plans. They want me to come to them if I have questions or want input. Not to control me or make me feel stupid, but to benefit from their experience. And also because they love me and want to know what I’m doing.

It’s an odd sense of relief, actually, even if I’m still really sad about Austin.

I manage to get through our family’s Christmas Eve traditions—finding the pickle and opening the PJs Mom gets us all every year, now including all the additions to the family. It’s even louder and more boisterous than it was growing up, especially with Sophie in the mix.

The only thing I’d change if I could would be to have Austin here. But it’s my fault that’s not possible.

I told him I was having doubts, that I didn’t think we should try a long-distance relationship, and he had the only sensible response. To end things now.

I’d have done the same thing in his place. That doesn’t make it any easier, though.

Sarah, Shane, and Sophie stay the night so we can all wake up and do Christmas morning together.

“Sophie can stay in my room with me,” I offer when Sarah and Shane send her off to change and brush her teeth. “That way, you guys can have some privacy.”

They exchange a look, then Sarah meets my eyes. “You don’t mind? For real?”

“Nah. Soph’s a cool kid. It’ll be like a slumber party.” Plus, it’ll be a distraction for me.

Shane grins. “I’ll ask her when she’s out.”

After she’s changed into her new Christmas PJs and has her teeth brushed, Shane relays my offer, and she jumps up and down excitedly and launches herself into my arms. “Yes! Thank you, Nora! This’ll be so fun!”

Patting her back, I return her hug, my smile unforced but not as big as it should be under the circumstances. I’m already second-guessing my decision because part of me just wants to be alone to wallow in my sadness. But the other part of me thinks having Sophie around will be a good distraction. I guess the second part is winning. There’ll be plenty of time for wallowing later, after all. Tomorrow will be full of family activities, though there’ll be plenty of downtime in between presents and breakfast and the big meal later in the day. We usually play card games or board games, but that happens after dinner. And while my help will be expected off and on, I won’t have to sit and be a part of all the hustle and bustle every second if I don’t want to, especially with the size of the crowd we command now that everyone but me is partnered up.

That thought sends a pang through me, but I quickly push it aside. Just because things can’t work with Austin doesn’t mean they can’t work with someone else at some point, right?

Right.

No matter what Dylan thinks of my relationship history.

I get myself ready for bed while Sarah and Shane move the air mattress from their room to mine. When I come back to my room, Shane’s sitting on the floor talking to Sophie, who has her favorite stuffy tucked against her chest.

Shane glances up at me as I edge past the air mattress. “I’ll get out of your hair now. Don’t keep Nora up too late, okay?”

“Okay, Shane,” she says, reaching for him and giving him a hug, then snuggling back into the blankets, a big grin on her face. She looks like she’s vibrating with excitement and barely holding herself back from squealing.

“Come get me if you need anything,” he says to me.

I wave him off. “We’ll be fine. Won’t we, Soph?”

“Yup!” she chirps.

After one more indulgently doubtful look, Shane says, “Remember, Santa only comes if you’re asleep.”

“Aw, Shane. You know that I know Santa’s Grandpa Jake. And he loves me. So he’ll give me presents even if I’m awake.”

Chuckling, Shane starts to pull the door closed behind him. “Night. Sleep good.”

“Night,” Sophie and I both chorus.

“I’m so excited,” she whispers. Sitting up, she cranes around to look at me as I’m putting things away in my dresser and closet. “Thanks for inviting me for a sleepover.”

I smile at her over my shoulder. “Thanks for joining me. I like having you for company. Shane’s right, though. We should probably get to sleep soon. I’m pretty tired.”

As if on cue, she gives a jaw-cracking yawn. “Me too. Shane and I went sledding today and built a snowman afterward.”

Smiling, I climb into bed, glad that I invited her here. She is the perfect distraction. “Sounds like a fun day,” I say softly.

“It was. Hey, maybe we could all go sledding tomorrow?”

“Hmm,” I let my doubt color my tone. “Tomorrow’s probably pretty full with all the usual Christmas stuff. But maybe the day after? Even if no one else wants to go, I’ll take you sledding.”

“Yes!” It’s more whisper than shout, but her excitement is palpable.

“I love you, Aunt Nora.”

“Love you too, Soph.”

She settles into her bed, and I turn off the lamp next to my bed, but even though her breathing quickly evens out into the telltale deepness of slumber, I take much longer to fall asleep. My mind keeps replaying my conversation with Dylan and the events last night.

Did I make a mistake? Should I have just ignored my dumb brother and kept on as I wanted to? What if a long-distance relationship isn’t as hard as Dylan makes it out to be? What if Austin and I could make it work? What if it could be temporary?

Couldn’t we date, see each other when we have time, talk on the phone or video calls like he said, and cross the bridge of what comes after I graduate when we get there? It’s not like I have a job lined up after graduation anyway. I could end up back home regardless, and all I’ll have to show for it is heartbreak and an awkward relationship with the guy taking over my favorite bakery.

Did I just torpedo a chance at a relationship with the best guy I’ve ever been with for nothing?