The Coast is Clear (Breakaway Shores #1)

Izzy

The Worst

We didn’t talk about it after Zander put Kingston to bed. I wasn’t sure what to say or if I should mention anything. He seemed normal throughout the rest of the night, but now, as he made breakfast for all of us, something felt different. Kingston knelt on his chair and threw his head back, sucking down juice from his water bottle. Then he said, “Is it ready, Dad?” Zander flinched, and I felt my shoulders tense.

He'd gone on a trip, something he’d had planned for months, he told me. But we hadn’t really talked while he was gone. Something about it felt strange to me. Off-putting. I stood up from the table. “Why don’t you go into the living room with your brother, and I’ll call you in when it’s ready?” I waited a moment for Kingston to shuffle out of the room. “Is everything okay?” I asked Zander, standing at the end of the counter.

Zander flipped a pancake and then shifted toward me, holding the spatula with both hands. “Dee never called me Dad. She calls me Pops, which is close, I guess, but no one has ever called me Daddy before. I just feel like this immense pressure now. I guess I should have thought about all of this before now, maybe.”

My heart seized. “Thought about all of this?” I asked with fire in my veins. All of this. Which had to mean me and my kids. Lumped in together like something terrible that he hadn’t quite considered.

His eyes went wide. “That’s not what I meant. I shouldn’t have just…”

I could feel the walls around my heart slam back down. I stepped forward and gently pulled the spatula out of his hands. “Well, why don’t you go and think about all of this.” I tried to keep my voice even.

Zander stepped aside as I grabbed the empty plate meant for the pancakes. “—"

“Go, Zander. We’ll be fine.” And he didn’t fight any further. I put the finished pancakes on the plate and listened as he said goodbye to the boys.

Kingston rushed on in. “Pancakes are done?”

I forced myself to smile and walked toward the table. Christian followed his little brother, and I tried to shut out everything else as we ate breakfast.

This, all of this, was all that mattered to me. I’d been reckless, falling for Zander so quickly that I’d let them spend too much time with him. And now, reality was settling in.

Kingston shoved a big piece of pancake in his mouth, and syrup dripped from his chin. We’d be okay. The worst had already happened, and we had ended up okay. Everything was going to be fine.

I’d almost managed to finish my book. I just needed to write the epilogue. I hadn’t heard from Zander since he left that morning. The boys asked about him, and I’d made something up.

We’d had a movie night, and now I was sitting up in my bed, writing. I was so close, close to finishing this book and having some actual time off. I wanted to take a trip. Maybe a weekend away would be fun for the boys and give me the ability to have some space, too.

I decided to wait for my agent’s feedback before deciding what the epilogue should be. It was a little bit taking a shortcut, but I wanted to be done. I attached the file to our email chain and sent it off.

Then, I started searching for places to stay. I was ten internet browser windows deep when my phone buzzed. I picked it up embarrassingly fast, only to be slightly disappointed that Luke was calling me. It wasn’t super late, only eight-thirty. He was probably getting ready to hit the town. “Hey, big brother. ”

“Hey,” and the way he said it let me know that Zander told him. Or talked to him.

“How was your day?” I asked, focusing in on the KOA just an hour north. The boys would love it. But it was fully booked this weekend.

I heard the ding of Luke’s car, like he had the door open, as he answered, “Good. Busy day with a new client. How are you today?”

I chuckled, trying to play it cool. “Just peachy. I think I’m gonna take the boys up to the KOA soon. Have you been?”

“Me? To the KOA?” Luke laughed on the other end of the phone. “No, can’t say I have, but do you want me to come?”

“The boys would love it. I’m going to get a cabin because I don’t want to deal with any kind of tent camping.”

“Okay, I’m down. Is Zander coming?” The question made my chest seize up.

I wanted him to come. I wanted him to say that Kingston calling him Daddy scared him, but not to the point of leaving us. I wanted him to say it but because he wanted to. “I think it’ll just be family this weekend.”

“Zander isn’t family at this point?”

“Luke—"

He cut me off, “He told me what happened, and he’s mildly freaking out. I think he definitely has some groveling ahead of him, but you two are great together.” I didn’t answer, not sure what I wanted to say. “I know. I mean, I can imagine that this is terrifying for you. But he loves you. He loves the boys. Just give him a chance.”

“You think he loves me?”

Luke chuckled. “Yes, I really do. He told me as much today. I’ll back up whatever you do, but when he decides to man up a little bit, give him a chance for me?”

“Maybe.”

Zander showed up the next morning with two kid-sized hot chocolates and an iced chai for me. “Hey. I figured that the boys might be distracted enough by the hot cocoa for us to talk for a minute.” He wore a canvas jacket with a Henley tee underneath. Tiny drops of mist covered his coat. It was a cloudy morning.

“Maybe a minute. We can try,” I said with a smile. I hadn’t liked the silence, the space from him, even though I’d been the one who initiated it.

Zander got the boys settled in front of the TV with their tiny to-go cups. I followed Zander back out onto the front porch, leaving the door wide open. He stood on one side of the stairs, leaning against the railing, and I mimicked him. The chai was perfectly mixed, with just enough spice and just enough sweetness. “So, first, I am going to apologize again. I was freaked out, all in my head, and my words came out wrong. I made it seem like I had jumped into this casually, not understanding the full weight of this situation. I did not. I know it hasn’t been too long our relationship, but I tried to take it slow. To be mindful of your feelings and of the boys’. I just was freaking out a bit because the full reality of this,” he moved his hand between the two of us, “Really hit me in the face. If, for some reason, this doesn’t work, those boys have to lose someone else. And I really don’t want that.”

“I don’t want that either.”

Zander nodded. “I wanted to ask you that night how you felt about what Kingston said and what he called me, but I got scared. I was afraid you’d be mad.”

“Mad? What would I have to be mad about?”

He ran a hand through his dark hair, which had little drops of rain in it. But misty rain, which was one of my least favorite kinds. “I don’t know. I didn’t want, don’t want you to think I’m trying to replace Jack in any way.”

I held out my free hand to him and he took it. I pulled him closer to me, putting my hand on his waist, now having to look up to meet his eyes. “I know you’re not trying to replace Jack. You can’t replace him because you’re not him. You’re you, and that’s why we adore you. The boys will always love their dad, but I’m happy that they love you, too. You’ve been so good to us, so good for us.”

Zander’s hand brushed against my neck before his fingers moved across my collarbone. I rested my head back against the beam of the porch and relished in the soft touch. “I want to do right by you, by the boys, and by Jack. That’s all I want to do.”

“You are,” I said, opening my eyes. Zander leaned down, kissing me softly on the lips, and I pressed my body into his. He’d left on his trip right after we’d been together for the first time, and then all of this. My body missed his.

Zander smiled and kissed me again. It was soft, almost chaste, which was good because Christian said, “Ew, stop that!”

We didn’t pull away from each other as much as press the side of our faces together to see Christian standing in the doorway pretending to throw up. Zander kissed my cheek, “I will not,” he said in a playful tone and then kept kissing me. Roughly pressing his lips all over my face, everywhere but my lips. Christian laughed, like a belly laugh, and it made my heart so happy to hear him so happy. Zander met my eyes before turning to Christian. “Now it’s your turn!”

Christian squealed and ran into the house with Zander on his heels. I sat there for a moment and took another drink of my chai. I looked out at the rainy street and felt something lock into place inside me.

It was going to be okay.