The December Market (Shelter Springs #2)

26

She was a coward and a fool.

With tears dripping down her cheeks, Amanda rushed out to the parking lot.

Despising herself for her weakness, she climbed into her car and started the engine. The cold steering wheel made her fingers ache but she didn’t want to take the time to pull out her gloves. She had to get away.

She quickly pulled out of the parking lot and drove off through the dark night, the moon obscured by inky clouds that held the portent of snow.

Knowing she needed to compose herself before she arrived at the hospital or she would upset Birdie, she decided to run home so she could change from her work clothes to yoga pants, which would be much more comfortable to sleep in at the hospital.

A few more moments likely wouldn’t make any difference to her grandmother.

Her Christmas tree glowed with cheerful welcome in the window, the exact opposite of how Amanda felt right now. She wanted to climb into her bed, pull the covers over her head and pretend that this horrible day hadn’t happened at all, starting with that phone call from Rafe.

When she unlocked the door to Rose Cottage, Oscar and Willow wandered out to greet her, long tails swaying, and she sank to the floor for a moment, needing the comfort of their warm softness.

Willow, the more affectionate one, nudged her arm with her head. Even Oscar patiently let her pick him up. To her dismay, she felt more tears well up as she petted them.

I am falling in love with you. I have been for some time.

When she thought of tough and hard-edged Rafe Arredondo baring his heart to her, more tears slipped down to drop into Oscar’s fur.

After a moment of indulging the tears, she pushed them away and drew several deep, cleansing breaths. She had been right to push him away. She had always known they could never be together.

She was fine being alone. She had her friends, her store, her volunteer work and her cats.

Okay, maybe some part of her longed for something else. But at what cost?

Love was fragile. Ephemeral. Those she loved could be gone in an instant, either by fate or by choice. Birdie’s accident had certainly reinforced that.

She hurt too much now, when she and Rafe had only shared more than a few fleeting kisses. If she allowed herself to love him and Isaac wholly and without reservation, she could very well end up completely wrecked if things didn’t work out.

“I’m fine, dear. You don’t need to fuss over me.”

“What if I like fussing over you?” Amanda said with a smile the next afternoon as she tucked a blanket around Birdie more securely, making sure her grandmother was warm and cozy in her favorite recliner in her apartment at the Shelter Inn, with Dash watching protectively over her from the floor.

Birdie touched Amanda’s hand, her own clearly showing the bruise from the IV line that had been removed earlier that afternoon. “I should be taking care of you. I don’t like having our roles reversed.”

Amanda kissed the top of Birdie’s head. “It’s about time you let me help you then, isn’t it? Now you relax and take a nap while I fix our Christmas Eve dinner.”

Birdie sighed. “I feel like all I have done for the past twenty-four hours is sleep.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Your body is telling you that’s what it needs.”

“I wish my body would shut the hell up sometimes,” Birdie muttered.

“Can I help you find something to watch, then?”

“Sure. Find a good Christmas movie for me. The more romantic, the better.”

Amanda selected a movie from one of the streaming services that she had saved in her own profile to her grandmother’s device. Soon the opening credits were playing, and Amanda headed to the kitchen to find the ingredients for their dinner.

By the time she gathered everything for the lasagna they had already planned to make together, Birdie’s eyes were closed and she was snoring softly.

Her grandmother looked fragile as a paper-thin petal trembling in the wind, especially with her bruises and that stark white bandage.

After a night spent in the hospital with nurses and aides and doctors interrupting her sleep every time she closed her eyes, Amanda wanted to curl up on the sofa next to her grandmother’s recliner and nap for a few days.

Birdie was much tougher than she was. Her grandmother had endured the comings and goings without complaint while Amanda had wanted to march out to the hallway and post a big sign on the door that said Do Not Disturb. Healing in Progress.

She was chopping onions for the lasagna when someone knocked softly on the door. After quickly washing her hands and swiping her watery eyes with a tissue, she crossed the room to answer it.

Her brother stood on the other side. “I came to check on you two,” he said in a hushed voice when he saw Birdie sleeping from the doorway. “How is our girl?”

Amanda walked out into the hall with him so they could speak without disturbing her rest. “She says she’s fine but I don’t know. She’s exhausted.”

“I’m not surprised. Hospitals are lousy places to get a good night’s sleep.”

Yes, she had learned that lesson well the previous night.

“You should be resting, too,” her brother said and she knew he must be seeing the circles smudged under her eyes and the lines of fatigue around her mouth.

“I’m fine. I’ll rest after I prepare our dinner.”

“Are you making Birdie’s famous lasagna?”

“Of course. It’s our Christmas Eve tradition, isn’t it? It won’t be as good as hers but there will be plenty of leftovers for you later tonight when you’re here.”

They had agreed that Griffin would keep his prearranged plans to have Christmas Eve dinner with Natalie’s family at Steve and Liz’s house. He would then take the overnight shift to watch over their grandmother.

“Yum. I’ll be back here as soon as we’re done with dinner.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather spend Christmas Eve with Nat? I can sleep on the sofa.”

He frowned. “You spent last night on an uncomfortable chair at the hospital. You don’t need to have another one on the sofa. No. I’m fine staying here. Nat and I have the rest of our lives to spend Christmas Eve together.”

His words stung like hand sanitizer on an open wound. She hadn’t let herself think about either Rafe or Isaac since she had rushed away from the building the day before. It hurt too much to imagine how colorless and drab her world would be without them in it.

Some of her emotions must have shown on her face. Griffin gave her a careful look. “Are you okay?”

She blinked away the pain, forcing a smile for him. “Yeah. As you said. I’m tired. And I was chopping onions.”

“We won’t be late. According to McKenna and Travis, we have to be done with all the festivities early so they can get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour.”

“I wish her luck with that, knowing Hazel and Nora.”

“Right?” He smiled and Amanda spent a moment imagining all the noise and chaos and wonder.

Thinking of the girls drew her thoughts back to Isaac again. She truly hoped he was not too disappointed when his Christmas wish did not come true and he did not find a new mother wrapped with a ribbon under his tree.

“Take your time,” she said. “We’ll be fine.”

After he left, she returned inside to the apartment to find Birdie still asleep.

Her grandmother awoke just as she was pulling the lasagna out of the oven.

“Oh, that smells delicious.”

“I hope it is. I don’t have your kind of magic.”

“You have plenty of magic of your own, my dear,” Birdie said with a fond smile.

“It needs to rest for half an hour now, then it will be ready.”

“Oh good. I’m suddenly starving,” Birdie said with some surprise. “I just need to wash up then I’ll be ready to eat. Would you mind taking Dash out?”

“Not at all.”

After helping Birdie to the bathroom, she waited until she could resettle her grandmother on the lift recliner before finding the dog’s leash.

When she walked outside, she found a vast, clear sky dotted with stars that gleamed and winked. She and Dash made a circuit around the building, where he sniffed at every single inflatable decoration as if he had never seen them before. When she returned to the apartment, she felt invigorated by the cold and the exercise.

The rest of her Christmas Eve with Birdie was quiet but enjoyable. They ate lasagna with cheesy bread sticks, then watched her grandmother’s favorite Christmas movie, It’s A Wonderful Life. This time Birdie stayed awake for the whole movie, listening intently to the classic tale .

“Do you know, I think I enjoy it more now that I can’t see the action,” Birdie said halfway through. “It’s like listening to an old-time radio drama from the days of my childhood, especially because I can picture that handsome Jimmy Stewart.”

Despite her enjoyment of the film and all her best intentions, Birdie almost nodded off before the movie was over, jerking as the bell rang and Clarence the angel received his wings.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Amanda said gently. “You would be much more comfortable in your own bed than here in the recliner.”

She certainly knew Dash would be more comfortable. The dog was anxious to be snuggled up next to his person on the bed. Amanda would have insisted on the dog sleeping out here in the living room if she thought it was worth wasting her breath. Her grandmother loved that dog and no doubt would find just as much comfort and warmth in cuddling him.

“Would you mind taking Dash out one last time. You don’t have to walk him. Right before bed, we usually just head outside, he does his thing, then he’s ready to settle down for the night.”

“Of course I don’t mind.”

She threw on her coat and walked with the dog outside again. Birdie was right, Dash didn’t dawdle, whether from the cold or his own eagerness to be with Birdie. He seemed in a hurry to go back inside to the cozy apartment.

When she returned, Birdie had changed into her nightgown and had already climbed into bed. The dog jumped up beside her, stretching out at the foot of the bed.

After making sure Birdie had everything she needed, Amanda adjusted the blankets one more time.

Birdie touched her arm. “I’m afraid this was a very boring Christmas Eve for you.”

“Are you kidding? There’s nowhere else on earth I would rather be than right here with you.” She kissed Birdie’s forehead, deeply grateful she had at least one more Christmas with her grandmother. After giving a pat to Dash, she headed for the door. “I’ll leave the door open slightly. Griffin and I will try not to wake you when he arrives and I take off. Merry Christmas, Grandma.”

She wasn’t sure Birdie even heard her. She had pulled on her CPAP mask and already had her eyes closed.

Outside in the living room, Amanda settled onto the sofa, hoping she could stay awake until Griffin arrived. She read only a few pages of her book before there was another soft rap on the door. She opened it for Griffin, who came in bearing two wedge-shaped containers.

“Liz insisted I bring you and Birdie some cherry pie.”

She did enjoy Liz’s cherry pie. If she weren’t so tired—and if she could dredge up any sort of an appetite—she would find some ice cream in Birdie’s freezer and have a slice right now.

After talking with Griffin for a few moments about his evening and the girls’ funny skit they performed for the family, Amanda couldn’t hold back a yawn. Though it was barely 8:00 p.m., she was ready to go to bed.

Exhaustion pressed in on her like a dense fog as she walked outside. The clear skies of earlier had given way to random clouds that trickled out a light snow to brush against her cheeks and melt in her hair.

The church parking lot next door to the apartment building was full. She considered slipping inside to enjoy the evening service, but decided she would probably fall asleep on the pew. And wouldn’t that be embarrassing?

Anyway, she should probably get back home to her poor, neglected cats, who would be happy to see her for more than the few quick visits she had made home in the past twenty-four hours to make sure they had water and food.

If she could stay awake, she would try to watch the Pope’s televised midnight mass from St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome and marvel at the gorgeous building and the tradition and ceremony, as she did every Christmas Eve.

As she pulled into her driveway, her little tree twinkled merrily in the window. She had to force herself not to look down the street toward Rafe’s house or to wonder how their Christmas celebrations were going.

When she let herself inside, she found Willow and Oscar both stretched out under the tree. This time, they didn’t come over to greet her, probably demonstrating their annoyance at her long absence.

Now that she was home, in her own space, the fog seemed to lift and she felt strangely energized. After hanging her coat in the hall closet and storing the pie slice in the refrigerator to enjoy as a special Christmas treat the next day, Amanda turned on piano Christmas music on her smart speaker. She added more water to the cats’ bowls and made sure they had food.

When she sat on her favorite chair in the living room, Willow jumped up for a moment of affection before wandering off again.

Amanda picked up the Christmas book she had been trying to read all season and enjoyed the lights and the music and the story. This was a perfectly lovely way to spend Christmas Eve, she told herself, even if her beloved cottage did seem quiet.

She had read perhaps half a chapter when her doorbell suddenly rang, making Oscar bounce in the air like he had been zapped with an electrical shock.

Amanda glanced at her watch. Still not yet 9:00 p.m. One of her neighbors was probably out taking treats around this evening. Sometimes Delores Parker down the street liked to make peanut brittle on Christmas Eve and take it around to the neighbors.

She opened the door with a ready smile that froze with shock when she found not her elderly neighbor but Rafe and Isaac standing on her porch.

All the things she had said to him the day before jumbled through her mind in an instant as her heart seemed to squeeze with love and sorrow at the same time.

For one wild moment, she wanted to slam the door shut again and lean against it to keep them out. She had found some measure of contentment this evening. Why did he have to show up with his adorable son and ruin it for her?

Oscar had joined her at the door to investigate the newcomers. Only when his back arched did she realize they had a small cream-colored dog with them, who had blended in with the snow in the darkness.

“Hi, Amanda. Merry Christmas. Look what we have!”

She managed a smile for the boy, who wasn’t at all to blame for her emotional tumult. “Oh my. Did you get a dog for Christmas?”

“Nope. This is my cousins’ dog. Her name is Sophie and I think she’s the best dog in the whole world, besides Dash.”

“Did you dognap her?”

He giggled. “No. We’re dog sitting. Jade and Samuel went to see their other grandma and grandpa. They live in Utah and they didn’t want to take Sophie because she gets carsick, so me and my dad are watching her for Christmas.”

“That sounds very fun.”

“I’m going to keep her in my room so she can’t bark at Santa Claus and scare the reindeer.”

“Great idea.”

Rafe, she couldn’t help but notice, hadn’t said a word throughout this exchange, or when Isaac reached inside his coat and pulled out a small square gift covered in red plaid wrapping paper.

“I brought you a present,” Isaac said cheerfully. “You can open it if you want. I made it at Abi and Ito ’s house tonight after we had dinner.”

Amanda gazed at the present, feeling the heat of tears beginning. Only because she was so tired, she told herself. “Oh, how nice of you. Come in.”

“Is the dog okay inside?” Rafe finally spoke, his voice gruff.

“Sure. The cats will probably make themselves scarce in my bedroom. They like to hide out under my bed when they’re nervous.”

Isaac giggled again as he carefully wiped his boots on her mat, then walked inside. Rafe followed him with a reluctance that was obvious in every hard line of his body.

“Sit down,” she said, gesturing to her sofa.

Isaac plopped down instantly. Rafe hesitated, his expression remote, as if he wanted to scoop up his son and his brother’s dog and head for the door. He finally sat, holding the dog’s leash while Sophie sniffed the sofa and the rug and the cat’s climbing gym.

Isaac held out the gift and Amanda took it, touched all over again at the sweet affection the boy offered so freely.

“It’s lovely.”

“ Abi helped me wrap it.”

“That was nice of her.” She had to wonder if Louise had known the gift was intended for her.

She peeled away the wrapping and found a small cardboard box inside. After unfolding the top, she pulled out a clear plastic ornament, the kind sold in craft stores that could be decorated in any fashion.

Inside the ornament was a smattering of glittery fake snow in the bottom, along with a drawing created with markers on a transparent plastic sheet cut to size so it stood upright inside the ornament.

She held the clear ball so that she could see it better. The lights of her tree gleamed through and she saw there were three figures drawn with markers on the plastic, a woman with red hair, a taller man with dark hair and a small figure between them with curly hair and glasses. He was holding hands with both of them.

At least she thought they were hands. They might have been basketballs.

She looked from the picture to Isaac, her emotions tangled like strands of tinsel in a box. “Oh.”

“That’s us,” he explained happily. “You and me and my dad.”

Tears burned hotter and she blinked rapidly, aware of a deep ribbon of pain in her chest that she had been doing her best to ignore all day.

She couldn’t ignore it now. It curled and twisted through her as she looked at those smiling figures inside the ornament then at Isaac and his father.

I’m falling in love with you.

She could have had that. The joy, the belonging, the love .

Instead, she had chosen fear over faith. She had let the pain and loss of her past taint something that could have been beautiful and right.

She forced a smile, though she could feel her lips tremble. She had to hope Rafe didn’t notice.

“It’s lovely. I like the colors very much.”

Isaac hopped up and came over, pointing at the ornament. “You have a green sweater on because you’re always wearing red or green sweaters.”

“I do like Christmas sweaters,” she agreed.

“And my dad is wearing a Santa hat. Can you see that?”

She glanced at Rafe briefly, all she could allow herself, then back at the figure he had drawn. “I see that. Good job with the pompom.”

He grinned at her and she hugged him, feeling her heart shatter into a thousand pieces.

“Would you like to hang it on the tree? I think it has to be pretty far up or the cats might knock it down. Maybe your dad can help lift you.”

Rafe stood again. He lifted Isaac with both arms, even the one still in the brace, so that Isaac could find a spot for it in the top branches.

“Thank you. That was very sweet of you. I will treasure it.”

He beamed, pushing up his glasses. “We’re going to take Sophie for a walk and look at Christmas lights. Do you want to come with us?”

“Isaac,” Rafe chided. “Amanda was probably in the middle of something.”

She thought of her book and her music and her solitary evening. She had been trying to convince herself she was exactly where she wanted to be. Now, though, with Isaac gazing up at her out of those cheerful dark eyes magnified by his lenses, she couldn’t imagine anything she wanted to do more than take a walk with the two of them on a quiet Christmas Eve.

She looked back at the ornament and the picture of those three figures.

You can do hard things.

She thought of how many times Birdie had said those words to her.

She wanted to be as brave as her grandmother, who was willing to trust someone else with her heart, even at eighty years old.

As brave as Griffin, who had found love after his own terrible loss.

Her pulse sounded loud in her ears. This was a season of miracles. Surely she could ask for one more miracle—that she could find the strength to reach for the priceless gift of love she had rejected the day before because of her cowardice.

If Rafe still wanted to offer it, anyway.

“A walk sounds lovely,” she said after a pause. “Let me throw on my boots and my coat.”

She hurriedly donned her warmest parka, along with her lined boots and her favorite matching scarf and beanie set that had been knitted by Birdie before her eyesight failed.

Rafe stood by the door, watching her with an impassive expression while Isaac sat on her wood floor, petting Sophie.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

They walked outside and she saw it was still snowing lightly, tiny swirling flakes that sparkled in the streetlights.

“We weren’t planning to go far,” Rafe said, his voice still gruff. “Only around the block.”

“That sounds perfect. I would enjoy stretching my legs. I feel like I have been sitting all day, either in a hospital room or at my grandmother’s place.”

They set off down the street, with Isaac taking the lead, holding the dog’s leash and moving ahead of them several paces.

“I’m sorry,” Rafe said in a low voice, when Isaac was too busy laughing at the dog and lifting his face to the snowflakes to pay them any attention.

“My mom always has a craft project on Christmas Eve. I didn’t know what kind of ornament Isaac was making until he finished it and showed me or I would have tried to talk him out of it.”

“It’s fine.”

Better than fine , she wanted to say. That ornament might possibly become her most precious possession.

“After we left my folks’ house, he insisted he had to give it to you tonight. He wouldn’t rest until I reluctantly agreed we could drop it off when we took Sophie out.”

“I love it,” she assured him. “He’s such a sweet boy, Rafe.”

They lapsed into silence while Amanda fought an epic battle within herself. She had to say something but her words seemed caught in her throat.

Faith over fear , she reminded herself sternly.

Finally, she drew in a deep breath for strength and plunged forward. “Rafe, I...I owe you an apology.”

He shifted his gaze from his son to her. “For?”

Amanda curled her fingers inside her pockets. “Yesterday was a rough day for me. I’ve had time to...to think about it, and Birdie’s accident triggered old trauma in me, remembering my father’s accident and all the horror that came from that. I was so scared I would lose Birdie. I was not in a good place.”

“Understandable. It was a rough day.”

She looked up at him, wishing she could better read his expression in the amber glow of the streetlight. “Yes. And I made it worse. I can’t make important life decisions from that place of fear.”

His scrutiny sharpened and she took another deep breath. This was so hard. Yet she knew suddenly that trying to live without the two of them would be so much harder.

She drew strength from the picture Isaac had drawn of the three of them together and finally went on, her voice low, “I don’t want to miss out on something wonderful because I can’t find the courage to take risks outside my comfort zone.”

She halted on the sidewalk in front of a brightly decorated yard and he stopped with her, facing her fully now with an intensity in his gaze that both thrilled and terrified her.

“On someone wonderful.”

She saw it then, a tiny glint of hope in his eyes. Of hope and joy and love. He didn’t kiss her. Instead, after a moment, he reached for her hand.

That was all. He didn’t say anything, he simply held her hand as they followed after Isaac and his cute little borrowed dog.

Happiness seemed to wash over her in warm waves, and Amanda had to blink back tears as they continued walking, boots crunching in snow and a young boy’s giggles rising up through the perfect night like sleigh bells.