The Duchess Takes it All

Chapter Fifteen

Tamsin’s head wouldn’t stop spinning. One moment she’d been staring at the moon, resigning herself to a life of solitude. And the next…

Oh, the next, his lips had met hers and the world had ceased to exist. Or perhaps it had begun to truly exist for the very first time. It wasn’t a world she knew. It was a world she had never known she’d always been missing. And now that she knew, how would she ever live without it? That one singular moment in time had completely changed everything. Settling for safe no longer felt like an option.

But that was a problem she would have to solve later. Just then, there was a more pressing issue at hand. One she didn’t want to face. Though, at least, for once, she wasn’t facing it alone. Of course, she hadn’t gotten into it alone, either.

What a mess. She didn’t know whether to push Christian away or bury her face in his neck and hope whoever had seen them just went away. Of course, she wasn’t that lucky.

“I’m…sorry, my lord, Your Grace,” Lord Feldhagen stammered, his eyes wide with shock. And amusement.

Christian’s shoulders sank with obvious relief. Tamsin, however, was not so sure that they were safe yet.

“Feldhagen, what do you need?” Christian said, sounding for all the world as if his friend had just interrupted some diplomatic meeting instead of a clandestine kiss under the light of the moon.

“I apologize for the, um…interruption, mein Herr. But the Duchess of Beaubrooke has noticed that the Duchess of Clevesly is no longer in the ballroom and worried her absence will be noted. We thought perhaps we should locate you before others come looking.”

Tamsin’s stomach dropped, and Christian swore under his breath. “Who is we?”

“Lady Kitty and Lady Georgina are also searching. As well as the duke and duchess. And likely Bainbridge.”

“Is there anyone who didn’t come?” Tamsin muttered.

“Yes,” Feldhagen said with an amused smile. “The hosts of the party and the other guests who are not your closest friends in the world.”

“I think, perhaps,” Christian said, “we should go before anyone else wanders this way.”

Tamsin immediately stood. She couldn’t believe she had gotten so swept up that she had forgotten where they were. And what the stakes were should they be found.

“Christian,” Feldhagen hissed at him. “Make haste, man.”

Tamsin started to walk past him, but Christian caught her hand and brought it to his lips. She smiled up at him, wishing they had a few more moments to themselves. But Feldhagen, thankfully, wasn’t having it.

“Really, the two of you have less sense than God gave a mule.”

Christian snorted again, but they took the less-than-subtle hint and hurried away from the tree, glancing about to make sure no one had seen from where they came. Once they were a safe enough distance away, they stopped rushing and began meandering about the gardens on their way back to the house. A few moments later, Georgie and Kitty found them.

“There you are!” Georgie said with relief. Then her eyes widened when she saw Tamsin’s companion.

“Sorry,” Tamsin said before Georgie could ask anything. “Didn’t mean to alarm anyone. Shall we go back inside?”

The other women followed her, obviously brimming with questions.

She glanced back at Christian as she ascended the stairs. He gave her a slight nod…and a slow smile that stole the breath from her lungs.

“There you are!” Lavinia said once she’d made it back inside. “Where have you been?”

“You don’t want to know,” Tamsin muttered and flushed anew.

Although, while she might be near squirming with embarrassment, she also hadn’t felt so alive in…perhaps ever.

She had never been kissed in such a way. Her husband’s kisses had been…not exactly unpleasant. Not always. But not something she welcomed or anticipated, either. She had never guessed that the act could produce such an ache inside her. A fire that she hadn’t known she was capable of feeling.

Her previous experiences had been nothing like what had just occurred between her and the count. Christian. Just saying his name made her heart beat faster. And all that had passed between them was a simple kiss.

Well, not so simple. Nothing about that kiss, from the way it had made her body sing to what it might mean for them to what could have occurred had anyone other than their dear friends found them, had been simple. But she couldn’t regret it. Christian had managed to awaken desires in her she hadn’t known she’d possessed. Everything she’d felt before, every fantasy she’d ever dreamed, paled in comparison to what it had actually felt like to have his lips moving over hers.

“I think I already know,” Lavinia said, trying to keep from smiling as Tamsin blinked at her a few times, belatedly realizing she had been lost in her thoughts.

Christian and Lord Feldhagen reappeared, and Tamsin only glanced at him for a brief second before she decided it was better not to risk a second look. Even that singular moment, that split second when their gazes met and held, sent a heat and a yearning through her that must surely show on her countenance. So she tore her gaze away, not trusting that she’d be able to keep their secret if she continued to look upon him.

Christian perhaps felt the same. For instead of remaining in the ballroom, he walked straight through and out the doors, making his escape.

Lord Feldhagen, however, approached their group and bowed to the ladies. “Pardon me, Your Grace,” he said to Tamsin, “but I was sent to inquire whether you were ready to depart for the evening. Lord Rauchberg has gone to see about the carriage.”

“Of course. I’ll just say my goodbyes.”

He bowed again and headed for the door while the ladies all watched him walk away. As did most of the other ladies in the room.

Tamsin turned to her friends and bid them each good night.

“We will talk soon,” Lavinia warned, and Tamsin flushed again.

“Yes, we’ll call on you tomorrow,” Georgie said. She stepped closer to whisper in her ear. “And I want all the details.”

Tamsin opened her fan and tried to cool her burning cheeks, though their heat had nothing to do with the warmth of the room. Hopefully, the other attendees wouldn’t realize that. She really had very narrowly avoided disaster. And, frankly, still might see some consequences of her foolish actions. Her friends weren’t making a stink of the situation just yet. Mostly, she suspected, because it was Lord Feldhagen who had actually seen them kissing. Were it one of her lady friends…the outcome may have been different. And even still, if one of them decided it were better for her to be immediately wed, all she had to do was speak up.

Tamsin trusted her friends to keep her secrets. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t someone else out lurking in the dark. They had been foolhardy, indeed.

And the worst of it was Tamsin knew given the choice, she would do it again.

The carriage ride back home was an interesting one. Tense, though not in a totally uncomfortable way. More in an expectant way. She and Christian couldn’t keep their eyes from one another. She tried. As did he. Yet no matter how many times he looked out the window or she plucked at an invisible thread on her skirt, within moments, they would be staring at each other again.

Until Feldhagen would grow uncomfortable enough that he’d clear his throat and they’d all go back to pretending that the delicious anticipatory tension between Christian and Tamsin wasn’t so thick they could cut it with a knife.

When they arrived back to Tamsin’s London residence, Feldhagen descended first, muttering something about ninnies in a muddle who couldn’t control their baser natures. Christian chuckled, and the sound sent a delicious tremor running through Tamsin. He alighted and reached in to take her hand and help her out. And even that small touch had her hurrying inside so they were out of sight of any possible prying eyes.

Feldhagen finished handing his coat and hat to the footman, and then he turned to Christian, his gaze brushing over Tamsin. His lips twitched, and then he shook his head.

“I’ll be in the study,” he said, turning away before either of them could say anything else.

Christian chuckled again as he and Tamsin finished removing all their outer coverings.

“We won’t be needing anything else this evening,” he said to the servants who waited nearby. Once they’d all bowed and left, Christian took her hand and led her to the library.

Then finally, they were alone again.

The moment the door closed behind them, Christian pulled her into his arms. She rose on her toes, wrapping her arms around his neck as his lips descended and met hers. The second they touched, she melted against him. Like a taut wire that had suddenly snapped. She was boneless, nothing more than a ball of desire and need that was somehow filled with both an urgency that she couldn’t explain and a sense of coming home that soothed her to her very soul.

He kissed her until her head spun and then drew back just enough to press his forehead to hers, her chest heaving while her lungs remembered how to breathe.

“I should apologize—” he began, but she shook her head.

“No. There is nothing to apologize for. I do not regret a single moment.”

His deep chuckle sent another wave of fire burning through her, and she pressed her lips to his again. And again.

He cupped her face and gave her a smile so sweet her heart nearly burst. No. She couldn’t regret a single moment of what had transpired between them tonight. She didn’t know if she hoped it was only the beginning of more, or not. She wanted to explore this. Wanted to know what this feeling was that threatened to overwhelm her every time they touched. Yet knew that doing so could lead to disaster.

What that would mean for her, for them, for her future… That was the part that sent a ball of dread to the pit of her stomach. She didn’t want to give up what she’d fought so hard to gain.

But what if, in doing so, she gained something even better? Then again, what if she was wrong, and she’d given it all up for naught?

She just didn’t think she could take that risk.

“I do not regret it, either,” he said, kissing the tip of her nose. “Though it…probably shouldn’t happen again. If we had been seen by anyone else…”

“Yes.” She couldn’t deny the disappointment that cascaded through her. But…there was relief as well.

“If circumstances were different…”

“Yes,” she said again, her heart thumping at the longing in his voice. “If only.”

He drew his thumb across her bottom lip, and she leaned into him. No one was there to see them now. Surely one more moment wouldn’t damn them.

He hesitated and then drew her in for one last heart-stopping kiss. She drank him in, relishing every second. The memory might need to last her a long while.

He released her with a sigh and stepped away.

“It’s late,” he said. “And Feldhagen is waiting to give me an earful, no doubt.”

That drew a laugh from her. “I will leave to you to deal with him,” she said, opening the door to leave. “But do thank him,” she said, looking back over her shoulder. “Sincerely. If it had been anyone else…”

He nodded, not needing her to finish that sentence.

“Good night, Tamsin.”

Oh God, her name on his lips sent her heart pounding in her chest again. Such a simple thing. Yet so powerful.

“Good night, Christian.”

His slow, heated smile sent tingles through her body that probably wouldn’t stop until long after she’d drifted off to sleep.

She would hold onto that feeling, if only in her dreams. Because what had just occurred could absolutely not occur again. She couldn’t risk what such a liaison would do to her heart. Not to mention her reputation.

Oh, there were women who flouted convention and did as they wished. The notorious Duchess of Devonshire who had passed away just a few years prior not being the least of them. That magnificent woman had taken her lovers where she pleased and had not even had the freedom of widowhood. Then again, she had been vastly influential and too powerful and well-connected for anyone to fuss about her too heavily. The opposite of Tamsin’s position. At the moment, at least.

No. For Tamsin, at least until she’d claimed her place in society, it was best to safeguard her reputation—and her heart—by keeping her distance from the captivating count.

…

Christian watched Tamsin ascend the stairs until he could no longer see her. And then he took a deep breath and went to face the tongue-lashing he was sure awaited him in his study.

Just as he’d suspected, Feldhagen sat in one of the armchairs before the fireplace, not saying a word. But his face said enough.

“I know,” Christian said, taking a seat.

“You know what, my lord?”

Christian narrowed his eyes. “I know what you are going to say.”

“And what is that?”

“It is late, Feldhagen,” he said with a sigh. “Must we play this game?”

Feldhagen snorted. “Going by what I interrupted this evening, yes, we do.”

Christian sighed and rubbed his temples. “I am very well aware that kissing an unmarried woman in the gardens during a dance, widow or no, is a wonderful way to find oneself with a wife. Or to leave said woman with a ruined reputation. Something we both know I would never do.”

“Which brings one to the question…why on earth did you?”

Christian leaned forward, his elbows propped on his knees. He rubbed his hands over his face and then let them dangle. “I do not know.”

“Don’t you?” Feldhagen pushed.

Blasted man always saw through Christian’s Bl o dsinn. “Fine. Yes. Because I could not bloody help myself.”

Feldhagen shook his head. “You are going to help yourself right into matrimony.”

Christian snorted. “I am not that reckless.”

Feldhagen stared at him, one eyebrow lifting. “Why do I sense a ‘but’?”

Christian leaned his head back against his chair with great exhalation. “I like her, Frederick.”

Feldhagen blinked at him. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that about anyone before, my lord.”

“Likely because I haven’t,” Christian pointed out.

“Well, then. I suppose that is that.”

Christian sat up and glanced at him warily. “Is that truly the end of the conversation?”

Feldhagen shrugged. “I would suggest you exercise a bit more caution in your dealings with the duchess going forward. The lady is not only still in mourning, she is undertaking the gargantuan endeavor of trying to get into the good graces of the ton . A daunting prospect by any standards that would be made even more so by dallying with a man not her husband less than a year after burying her actual husband.”

Christian scowled, the last vestiges of elation from his interludes with Tamsin fading further from his grasp. “I already know all that, Feldhagen, thank you.”

“Just confirming, my lord.”

“What I meant was you don’t have anything to comment about my fondness for the duchess?”

Frederick shrugged again. “Why should I? You like her. The two of you enjoy each other’s company, though you would both deny it to the death,” he said with a smirk. “And you were tasked by your uncle to find a wife. She’s titled, beautiful, wealthy, and proven fertile. What more could you ask?”

Christian’s brow creased. “I would ask for a guarantee that my uncle will approve, and the law will allow my choice. And that the lady will agree. Which we both know she will not.”

Feldhagen shrugged. “I cannot speak as to the lady’s wishes. I suppose if she is not amenable, it is up to you to change her mind should you wish to pursue her. As for your uncle…he placed no restrictions on you.”

Christian’s frown deepened. “Because he knew he did not need to. I know the law well enough.”

“The lady is a duchess,” Frederick said, as if Christian needed any reminding.

“We have had this discussion. By marriage, yes. By birth, she is not even gentry, let alone nobility or royalty. I do not know if her current position satisfies the letter of the law or not. And I wouldn’t risk her heart or reputation on a mere possibility.”

Frederick’s brow creased, his visible hesitation signaling his intent to bring up Christian’s mother again.

“I already know what you will say,” Christian said. But Feldhagen said it anyway.

“She would not be the first woman of less-than-noble birth to marry into your family.”

Christian sighed. “I know. And I would rather not suffer as my brother did when his love deserted him rather than deal with the consequences of their unequal match.” He paused, his jaw clenching as he gritted his teeth against the memories that assailed him. “Nor would I have Tamsin suffer what my mother did before the emperor relented.”

Feldhagen looked away, his lips rolling between his teeth as he bit down on them. Christian blew out an exasperated breath and waved at his friend. “Just say what is on your mind, man.”

Feldhagen still vacillated for another moment before finally speaking. “You know I held your mother in the highest esteem. She was as dear to me as my own mother. But…she was not the strongest of women. She was, perhaps, not best equipped to deal with the ostracization to which her marriage condemned her.”

The words stung. But they were not incorrect. Christian’s mother had been kind, beautiful, ethereal almost…and just as fragile emotionally as she had been physically.

“And you do not think that Tamsin would suffer?”

Feldhagen shrugged again. “She is already dealing with such ostracization. Despite her marriage, she is still not accepted into the ranks of society.”

“Something which she has put all her energy into changing,” Christian pointed out.

“Yes,” Feldhagen acknowledged. “But in the meantime, she is handling the rejection with aplomb.”

“Perhaps.” Christian’s thoughts tumbled over themselves, hope and denial warring in his chest.

He finally sighed. “It matters not what either of us feel or may feel about the situation. Or each other. I could not in good conscience promise Her Grace something I am not sure I will be allowed to offer. No matter her feelings on the subject.” He thought for a moment and then nodded. “I shall write to my uncle tomorrow. It is premature to discuss anything concrete, but before I even entertain a union—with a woman who has made it clear she does not wish to wed, I’d like to remind you—it wouldn’t be amiss to know for certain where we stand.”

Feldhagen nodded. “An excellent plan. Now, my lord,” he said, standing up with a groan, “I am off to my bed. I suggest you do the same.”

Christian nodded absently, his mind on his uncle and what his answer would be. It would be too much to bear to find a woman he might actually want to spend his life with, only to be told it wasn’t possible. He didn’t want to raise hope in either of them. If indeed she actually wanted to be with him. One kiss stolen under the stars when emotions were high could not be taken for more than face value.

Tamsin had already made it clear her heart was not for the taking, and he could not be sure that would ever change. She had her son to raise, her charities to found, and her society to take by storm. And he had his duty to his country and family. He would not falter and disappoint his uncle as his father had done.

So he would enjoy Tamsin’s company while he could. But he would keep his distance before they must say goodbye. For the time was fast approaching when he would need to leave. He much preferred his heart to be intact when he did. Because unless multiple miracles occurred, he would be leaving alone.

And he didn’t believe in miracles.