The Duchess Takes it All

Chapter Eighteen

Tamsin took her seat in the lecture hall, head held high, pretending like she didn’t hear the whispers and see the stares. Though at this point she was accustomed enough to them that the sting of rejection had dulled. At least somewhat. And was helped considerably by the presence of her friends. And a few of her acquaintances through Lavinia had greeted her kindly enough, though they did not linger. Still, it was a start. And an indication that all hope was not lost.

She was flanked on either side by Lavinia and Georgie. While she would have liked to sit beside Christian, the consensus among their group had been that she and Christian were better kept apart while in public. Apparently, they could not be trusted not to give the gossips more meat to chew.

A smile played at her lips at that thought, as concerning as it was. She hadn’t expected to find anything more than an interloper, a usurper when he’d arrived on her doorstep. He was still that. But he was so much more. So much she’d never expected to feel. So much she still had yet to discover. She didn’t know when it had happened, but the man had somehow wormed his way into her life. And if she wasn’t careful, he’d find his way into her heart as well.

But their friends were correct. She couldn’t afford to give the gossipmongers anything more to spread about. The only invitations arriving for her now were from her own circle of friends. Or those that her friends had coerced out of others. She’d finally had to ask them to stop advocating on her behalf. While she appreciated the efforts, it was difficult enough to attend many of these functions, even when the people hosting them wished for her to be there. It was far worse to know her presence wasn’t desired.

The smaller affairs hosted by their own circle were the ones she enjoyed best. The other guests might not always be the friendliest, but her hosts wanted her there, and the others tended to follow suit. At least to her face. So she would stick to those for the foreseeable future. Perhaps when her mourning was over, she would attempt to spread her wings a bit more. She may still not be accepted, and she had no doubt the judgment would still be very present. But at least she would know that there was no cause for it aside from their own prejudice.

At the moment, she had a difficult time faulting the naysayers. She was, after all, still in half-mourning. And it was becoming more and more impossible to hide her growing feelings for Christian. Even if she wasn’t quite ready to define what those feelings were. They were there, whether she liked it or not.

The lecture the Duke of Beaubrooke and Lord Bainbridge were delivering on one of the new plant species they had created through grafting was the first public function she’d attended since the night of the play. She’d hesitated to accept the invitation. While the event honored two of her close friends, and their wives and families would be present, so would a great many others. Tamsin did try to not let the whispers affect her too greatly. But that was rather easier said than done.

But even that was easier than ignoring the presence of Christian, who sat several seats down from her. She could feel him watching her, his eyes straying to her as often as hers did to him. And yes, she was fully aware her behavior was often contradictory to the guidelines she had set. But when she was in his presence, God help her, she just couldn’t help herself.

Getting her friends to try and interfere had become something of a game long before the lecture even began. Every time she looked in Christian’s direction, Georgie would thrust her head in Tamsin’s line of sight and ask her some inane question or other. Or Lavinia, on her other side, would tap her shoulder, drawing her attention to something on the opposite side of the room. She always listened politely, answered expeditiously, glanced at whatever it may be quickly, and then did her best to sneak a subtle peek at Christian. Who seemed to be doing the same with his pseudo-guardians.

Lord Feldhagen in particular seemed ready to simply knock Christian unconscious and drag him into some out of the way closet until the lecture had ended.

The duke and Lord Bainbridge finally took the dais and began the lecture.

“Really,” Lavinia whispered to her as the men spoke. “Can the two of you not control yourselves for more than two minutes at a time?”

Tamsin arched a brow. “Did we make it two whole minutes? That is actually an improvement.”

Lavinia pinched her lips together, but Georgie chuckled quietly next to her.

“So have you completely abandoned your dislike of the count?”

Tamsin snorted softly. “It depends on when you ask me.”

Georgie had to turn her bark of laughter into a coughing fit that drew a concerned gaze from the duke. She waved at her brother that she was fine, and he resumed his lecture, sending baffled looks their way every now and then.

Lavinia took her hand and squeezed. “Well, if you ever figure it out for certain, we are always here for you and will support you, no matter what. But it would be a bit easier if the two of you would explore whatever may be going on in more private locales.”

Tamsin nodded. “We are trying. For the most part,” she said, unable to keep a mischievous grin from escaping. “However,” she added, “it doesn’t seem to matter greatly how we behave. The whispers are rampant regardless of our actions.”

Lavinia sighed deeply. “While I do not disagree, trying to be a bit more discreet would not be amiss.”

“We are only looking at each other.”

“It’s not the look,” Georgie whispered. “It’s the type of look. I feel scorched just from sitting between you.”

Tamsin chuckled. “Fine. No more clandestine looks. I shall endeavor to keep my eyes to myself.”

“Good,” Lavinia said. “Now we just need to get the count to do the same.”

Tamsin grinned again and then clapped her hand over her mouth to smother a laugh as Lord Bainbridge purposely moved the easel that the duke was using to display some beautiful illustrations of their plant so that he could point to it instead, leaving the duke pointing at empty air as he explained their grafting process.

“Oh dear,” Lavinia said. “They promised to behave themselves today.”

Georgie laughed on the other side of her. “They cannot help themselves. Though, in their defense, this is rather tame when it comes to their usual behavior.”

Lavinia pursed her lips but tilted her head in a half-nod, half-shrug. “You are unfortunately correct.” She sighed deeply, muttering something about giving the men a talking-to when they returned home.

The lecture wrapped up without too many incidents. The duke and Lord Bainbridge kept things mostly civil and managed to impart their rather interesting information without coming to blows, so the evening was considered a success by all. The conversation mostly centered on the upcoming wedding of Lady Kitty and Lord Feldhagen.

Tamsin was filled with happiness for her friend, and her new friend in Lord Feldhagen. That happiness was perhaps slightly tempered with jealousy. But only a small fraction. She did not begrudge them their happiness in any capacity. But she did wish that her own life was as uncomplicated.

The vivacious Kitty had parents who loved her enough to want only her happiness when considering a spouse. They did have one daughter who had made a brilliant match, of course. An arranged match, Tamsin was surprised to learn. But one that had afforded both parties a choice in the matter and that had turned out brilliantly in the end. It was obvious to anyone that the Duke and Duchess of Beaubrooke were besottedly in love with one another.

The Wynnburns’ eldest daughter Harriet had married an artist. Not the most auspicious of matches, perhaps. But through their connections with the duke, her husband had secured several prestigious positions with royal courts across Europe and had made quite a name for himself.

And now Kitty had fallen in love with the handsome and carefree Baron of Feldhagen, a man from a good family with a title, wealth, and estates. Neither of them had been married before. Neither had any impediments why they could not or should not be together. And no one was spiteful or speculative about their relationship or the hastiness of their forthcoming marriage.

Well, that might not be entirely true. There were always those willing to drown another’s happiness in their own sorrows. But the malice behind it seemed more tempered than the whispers about Tamsin and her own affairs.

She sighed and plastered on a smile. She was determined to enjoy this night and celebrate her friends, the men for their accomplishments, and the newly betrothed couple for their unopposed and uncomplicated love. May she be as lucky should she ever fall in love again.

Her eyes strayed to Christian of their own accord, her heart pounding when their eyes met. There were many words she’d use to describe him. Uncomplicated was not one of them.

…

Christian kept a close eye on Tamsin throughout the evening, though he tried his best to be unobtrusive about it. He likely didn’t fool anyone, though. Especially not his friends. He cared not so long as Tamsin was protected. She was, at that moment, speaking with Lady Kitty and her parents. They were unlikely to be unkind, yet she still seemed tense. He moved closer, ready to be at hand should she need him.

Kitty and Lavinia’s mother, Lady Abberforth, leaned toward Tamsin with a smile. “Your necklace is lovely, Your Grace,” she said.

Tamsin touched the gems at her throat and smiled shyly. “Thank you, Lady Abberforth. It belonged to my mother and was a particular favorite of hers.”

“It is exquisite. Your father is a jewel merchant, is he not?”

Tamsin’s head jerked up, and she regarded Lady Abberforth for a moment before nodding hesitantly.

Christian understood her reluctance. After all, a large part of the prejudice against her was due to her common blood. Lady Abberforth was either trying to deliver a barely concealed barb or was truly interested (and perhaps a little tactless).

Tamsin finally smiled tightly and nodded. “Yes, he is.”

Lady Abberforth nodded. “I’ll wager he’s brought home a few spectacular pieces. What a joy,” she said, genuinely excited as far as Christian could tell.

Lavinia came to stand beside her mother. “My mother loves nothing so much as a shiny bauble,” she said.

“Oh,” Lady Abberforth said with a chuckle.

“Hmm, yes,” Lord Abberforth said. “In fact, this could be quite a dangerous friendship,” he said, waving a finger between Tamsin and his wife.

“Oh, hush you,” Lady Abberforth said, waving him away. She took Tamsin’s arm and drew her close. “Now, you must come and meet my particular friend, Lady Harwood. She loves gemstones even more than I do. I’m sure she will be appreciative of your especial knowledge on the topic. And how is your son? Lavinia was telling me all about him after her last visit to you. I would love to meet him. I simply adore babies, and I only have two grandbabies of my own just now. My Harriet’s son is with his parents on the Continent, of course. And Lavinia has only seen fit to give me one grandchild so far,” she said with a pointed look at Lavinia, who rolled her eyes. “Though, of course, we adore our little Charles.”

Tamsin laughed, Lady Abberforth’s steady stream of chatter putting her at ease finally. The lady introduced her to several friends, who were much kinder than Tamsin would have expected. By the time they’d completed a circuit of the room, Tamsin had actually begun to enjoy herself. It had been quite a while since she’d had the guidance of a mother figure. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed it until now.

Lady Abberforth, seemingly reading her mind, patted her hand. “I believe you lost your own mother quite some years ago?”

Tamsin nodded. “It has been…near fifteen years now.”

“I am so sorry, my dear.” She patted her hand again. “Well, if you ever need some motherly advice, I would be very pleased if you would call on me.”

Tamsin smiled at the older woman with genuine warmth. “That is very kind of you, Lady Abberforth. I will do so.”

“Excellent. Well, then, here we are,” she said, coming to a stop where Lavinia and the rest of their friends stood chatting.

Tamsin met Christian’s eyes for a brief moment and smiled, her heart thumping when the worried creases around his eyes cleared and he smiled in return. He’d been anxious for her. Knowing he cared eased another knot in her stomach. She didn’t think her late husband had ever worried about whether or not she was being mistreated when she wasn’t in his presence. Let alone wondered, or cared, whether she enjoyed herself.

It was a feeling she was very much afraid she could get used to. Which would make it hurt all the more when he went away.

…

Christian watched Tamsin as she drew closer with Lady Kitty’s mother. Frederick’s future mother-in-law, he realized with a start. He smiled in welcome as they stopped in front of him, his gaze lingering on Tamsin.

Her cheeks flushed, and he had to bite his lip to keep from smiling. He loved how he affected her.

She quickly introduced him to Lady Abberforth, and he clasped his hands behind his back and gave her a sharp bow. “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady,” he said.

“Thank you, my lord. It is a great pleasure to meet you, as well,” Lady Abberforth said with a soft nod. “We have heard much about you from Lord Feldhagen, of course. He seems quite fond of you.”

Christian chuckled. “He must be to have followed me here from our home.”

“Well, we are most pleased he did, of course. I have never seen my Kitty so happy,” Lady Abberforth said, looking to where Kitty and Frederick were standing close and talking, both glowing with happiness. “And how have you been enjoying your time in England so far?” she asked him.

“I am finding it much more…diverting than I had believed I would when I first arrived,” he said, risking a quick glance at Tamsin and smiling when she flushed again.

“I’m so glad,” Lady Abberforth said. “Though your family must miss you terribly.”

He hesitated. His family was not a topic he typically wanted to discuss. But not answering would not only be rude, but odd.

“My parents both passed when I was quite young,” he said. “My brother and I were raised by my uncle who, I daresay, is enjoying the respite from my presence.”

What might have been a sad moment brought laughter instead. “Oh, surely not,” Lady Abberforth said. “You are far too charming.”

Christian chuckled. “He would disagree with you on that point, I have no doubt.”

“I did not know you had a brother, my lord,” Lavinia said.

He gave her a wry smile. “Conrad and I do not always get along. He is my opposite in nearly every way possible. He is the charming one.”

“Well, if he is half as charming as you, then we’ll have to hope he makes an appearance at some point,” Lady Georgina said.

Lord Bainbridge frowned. “There are far too many charming, unmarried men here as it is. How are the rest of us supposed to outshine them all?”

Everyone laughed, and Christian shook his head. “Do not worry, Lord Bainbridge. With me here, he must stay home shouldering both our responsibilities until I can return.”

Lady Georgina said, “Oh, that’s a shame,” at the same time that Lord Bainbridge said, “Thank heavens,” to another chorus of laughter.

Christian glanced around the group with a growing appreciation for what they had all truly built. Not merely a group of friends, but a family of sorts. One that cared for each other and protected one another from the dangers and ills of society. Christian had never had that before. He had Frederick, of course. Frederick, who often felt more like a brother to him than his actual brother.

It wasn’t that he and his brother didn’t get along. They did, for the most part. And Christian was every bit as responsible as Conrad. But Conrad was duty-conscious to the point of self-destruction. Nothing else mattered to him. There was no room for anything else. But then, Christian had had Frederick influencing him, ensuring he had at least a few moments of frivolity in his life of obligation.

And they had tried to include Conrad in those moments when Frederick succeeded in getting Christian to shirk his duties for a bit of harmless play. An hour running through the parks surrounding their home instead of staying cooped up inside being drilled on their studies by their tutors. But Conrad would never agree to something even as simple and innocent as that.

Christian realized with a start that since arriving in England, he had changed. At least in his desires for the future. When he’d arrived, he’d wanted nothing more than to do his duty to his cousin and return home to the duties awaiting him there. Now… He glanced at Tamsin again. He still wished to fulfill his duties, both here and at home, to the best of his abilities. But now, he also wished for her .

“Well, at least there will be one less unmarried man in the room soon,” Lord Feldhagen said, smiling at Lady Kitty. “The banns must be read once more, and then I shall be happily wed to my beautiful lady.”

He beamed at his future bride with such love that Christian nearly teared up.

“And I, for one, will happily go to the altar, my lord,” Lady Kitty said, her smile equally bright and besotted.

“I am glad to see you are not as cynical about the institution as that Anonymous Bartholomew,” Lord Beaubrooke said. “Did you see his latest caricatures?”

“His?” Lavinia said. “Do you think he is a man?”

“Well, his name is Bartholomew,” the duke said.

“The surname,” his wife pointed out. “With the first name Anonymous. It could be anybody. I personally believe it must be a woman.”

“Oh?” Georgie said. “Why is that?”

“Well, take this latest cartoon, for example. The point of view certainly seems to be more that of the woman than man. A wealthy widow in black, dripping in diamonds next to a turned-over pedestal—likely depicting how women are held to unrealistic standards—holding a handful of playing cards in one hand and a cigar in the other. Not ladylike pastimes according to Society, but those in which many women indulge. And she is surrounded by a mob of men all shouting orders at her.”

“No,” Georgie said. “No woman would draw herself so unbecoming. The widow had a great hooked nose and horrid hair.”

Everyone laughed, but Christian didn’t join in. He hadn’t seen the cartoon yet himself, but it certainly depicted a very familiar sentiment.

“Well, I think it might be more than one person. The subjects are all so varied. A cartoon depicting the plight of a widow in a male-run world in this week’s. One criticizing the Prince Regent throwing a ball for a pompous foreign prince in another. Another highlighting the plight of the poor. Perhaps the Anonymous in the name shields a group of people.”

Tamsin’s lips were pursed, and she nodded, interest lighting her eyes as if that were an idea that appealed to her. As if she didn’t know who the real artist behind the drawings was.

And yet…

Lavinia looked at Christian with a slight frown. “Now that you are here in front of me, you rather look like the caricature of the man who was shouting for the widow to get a husband. Hmm.” She shrugged, dismissing the thought. “Well, just a strange coincidence, I’m sure. Anonymous’s caricatures never look like anyone in particular. He, or she,” she said with a smile, “is rather well known for refraining from depicting anyone real. Aside from the prince, of course.”

She laughed and turned back to the discussion.

But Christian’s gaze whipped to Tamsin. Whose face had drained of all color.